feeling lonely...

[willows]

My opinion is, why want to know he will regret or not?

Why not just live for yourself? If you keep looking at will he regret? Keep recalling or thinking of the good old times. Keep pondering on the lost that your girl cannot have a complete family etc. Then it is difficult for you to move on. He has already move on with his life like an airplane already. Why are you still standing here moaning for all the losses? Move on. Dump him behind you. You deserve to be happy too.

Can I ask you 1 question? Do you think you and your children is a happy family without your husband? I always think that my girl and I is already a happy family so why should I look upon an ass that has hurt me to give us a happy family. You only have to think that your children and you are a happy family then there is nothing to loose.

Be more optimistic with your future.

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

I think you are still somehow in love with him bah, that is why it is difficult for you to let go. But just like what willows said, you have to move on lor, not for yourself but at least for your kids. You may say its easier to say than do it, i agree, but one just have to learn to cross over such a hurdle. Each individual takes different ways and length of time to do it, but with determination and your kids in mind, im sure you will be able to do it too.

A happy and complete family dun mean need to have the father, mother and kids. Some pple though they have such a pic but they seldom communicate with one another, or they seldom see one another, so do you think that is considered a happy one? If you are able to have a close bond with your kids, i think its the best already.

Jia you k? There are so many mummies supporting you so you must, MUST learn to cross that hurdle.

 

[angelababi]

sorry r u refering me ???
For my quote, my meaning is only that guy "regret' is a matter of time.. my frien ex hubby is oso like that.. is not mean that will still want to know guys will regret anot in future after many years ago... of course we should live the fullness of life and stay happy always..

 

[youknowsue]

thanks for all your supprt mummies!! i saw an article today and it quoted: the best gift we as parents can give to your kids are a complete family. that makes me upset!!!

because of tt fella's filthy deed, my kids have to adapt to a new 'status' & lifestyle. the article says kids living in a loving & complete family will grow up bring secured, happy and confident.

Qn: does it mean the kids wont in a single parent family?

At least now my kids doesnt see me cry, upset and no more naging at their dad. They won't witness how their dad talk to me with no respect, his heart is already not with this family... so I believe I make the right decision to pull out the root since I've tried all ways to maintain the relationship.

So now, my main concern is my kids, and mummies, I really don't want THE MISTAKE that we parents make affect their perception of marriage and their lives. As I still want them to have faith in having a relationship, one day walk down the aisle, although their mummy can't even sustain one.

 

[willows]

You have think too much. Don't think so much. You never know what is ahead of you and your children. There may be many happy things coming up soon.

Complete family? Aren't you and your children a complete family? As long as you are confident, your children will be too.

thanks for all your supprt mummies!! i saw an article today and it quoted: the best gift we as parents can give to your kids are a complete family. that makes me upset!!!

because of tt fella's filthy deed, my kids have to adapt to a new 'status' & lifestyle. the article says kids living in a loving & complete family will grow up bring secured, happy and confident.

Qn: does it mean the kids wont in a single parent family?

At least now my kids doesnt see me cry, upset and no more naging at their dad. They won't witness how their dad talk to me with no respect, his heart is already not with this family... so I believe I make the right decision to pull out the root since I've tried all ways to maintain the relationship.

So now, my main concern is my kids, and mummies, I really don't want THE MISTAKE that we parents make affect their perception of marriage and their lives. As I still want them to have faith in having a relationship, one day walk down the aisle, although their mummy can't even sustain one.

 

[happymummyo7]

My 2yo never had a father since birth.
The first time i cried over this was not when i ended with the sperm donor. It was 2-3mths ago when school request for a family photo cos the theme for the month is family. Saw the sms when i was at work n i burst out crying.
I cried cos, he is only two yrs old. It was me who caused him to not have that 'complete' family. He never had a father, n now, he has to know that he is different from other kids. I imagine if he wld feel confuse, y others picture has daddy n mummy while his only had mummy. Wld he start wondering what is a daddy n y doesnt he have a daddy n bla bla bla. In the end, my mum who hates taking photo n my didi who stayed in hg n travel dwn to amk, took the family photo with me n my boy. His family photo has his grandma, ahgu n mummy.
After the 'presentation', chk with the teacher how things went. Did he show any signs or anything, any sadness or confuse or change in mood. Teacher told me no he was ok. Infact he was very very proud of his family, proudly introduce the pple to his classmates. He know other classmate has daddy n he doesnt, he knows that micah's daddy, ariel's daddy bla bla bla. But he is still very confident of himself n proud of his family.
Another time my heart ache was when he came hm singing 'ke ren lai, kan papa, papa bu zai jia'.

But still, im glad i made the decision to leave the man. Its just not going to work. If after u yrself have tried all u can. U know theres really nothing more u can do. U already c the ending, y still wanna walk towards it? If i had really married that sperm donor because of the pregnancy, we wld prolly b quarreling 8times a week. I know he wont change, cos he is not ready yet. I know he wont b able to love my child as much as i do. So, i left. I give myself a chance to create n build my own happiness instead of walking into tradegy.

Looking at my boy now, i know what ive done is right. He is a happy child. He is my report card which showed that i pass the exams with flying colors.
He does has a complete family, complete with people who loves him. N he knows, when asked who loves him, he can name u everyone.
I cut off all my friends. Left a few who truly loves me, accept my change of status, understand y i can no longer hang out like before, n loves my son as much as they love me. I fill my son's life with pple who loves him.

I wld rather my son not have a father than have one n lose him. I wld rather my son not have a father than to have one who cant love him.

I haven been in contact with the sperm donor. He only saw my son once when he pop up at my father's place (where i use to stay) n request that i bring my child to let his parents c. That hits my limit n i use really harsh words n since then, he is completely out of my life, our lifes. I cant b bothered if he is alive or dead. I cant b bothered to 'take any actions' on him. I didnt include his name in the birthcert, didnt bother to ask for any amount. I just want him out n live us alone. I want our lifes peaceful without him coming in n leaving as n when he likes. I believe in karma n retribution. Up there will 'take care' of him, just like how up there has always taken care of us.

Youknowsue. My point is, this man, has decide to give up his family for another woman. He does not love u anymore. Whether u like it or not, u have to accept the fact n move on. Overcome the pain. Dont hate him. Its not wrong to fall in love. Something went wrong between the two of u. The love u had was not strong. Thats y he got attracted by something else out there. Its not his fault, neither its yrs. One thing we cant control is feelings. Its either u have it or u dont. Get over it n dont hate him. Its so tiring to hate. Who ever is up there will judge n do something when the time is ripe. U is whats most impt. By hating him u r clearing his sins n accumulate sins for yrself. Let it go, he shd pay for his own deeds. Not u. Y hate n make yrself suffer for someone like him? He's a lousy man a lousy husband.
But is he a gd daddy? Does he truly love the kids? From some lf yr posts i c that yr boy doesnt really like him. Has he already done like daddy or it started only after u two separated?
A husband is different from a daddy. He failed as a husband, his love towards u no more. But has he failed as a daddy too? Does he not love the kids? If he doesnt, cut him off. Dont risk yr children. The impact of him leaving now wld b much lesser than him leaving when ur kids r much older. Esp the younger one. He visits them now. Wld he b persistant n continue visiting the children regulary? Can he commit to the kids? Actively play the role of daddy? If he can. u have no right to deprieve ur kids of their father just because u hate the man.

Dont mix them together. Yr husband (ex) n yr children's daddy r different.

Jiayou mummy!

 

[angelababi]

in my views are selfish guy will only think of his own.. and if a guy really love his kids no matter what he will never sleep outside wont be coming back home and complaining everything then final divorce .. forget this kind of jerk that just pass through your life now .. and its not the end of fate furture who knows which good guy might came out and 'he' dotes n you and your kids and wanting to settle down with you? Nobody knows ,

be strong and stay happy always

 

[sharontankenny]

Yes....strongly agreed with Willows.

You all got a long long way to go......i was divorced when my boy was only 5.....and the worst....my boy was diagnosed with Autistic.......it was an extremely double blow for me......

However, i managed to pull thru the thunder storm and was seeing rainbow......

Sometime.....i keep asking myself.....did i make a right choice.....however....i did not regret the choice that i made......cause......i am proud to tell the whole world that i made it.....all on my own.

This is the path which i chosen....never never U-turn....if you have miss the right-turn.....dont panic....the next right turn is waiting for you in the next junction....

Learn to let go and move on......

 

[willows]

Hi,

Can share more about your success? Like to be inspire by your successful story.

How old is your boy now?
Did your ex visit him? How do you manage the visitation issue?

Yes....strongly agreed with Willows.

You all got a long long way to go......i was divorced when my boy was only 5.....and the worst....my boy was diagnosed with Autistic.......it was an extremely double blow for me......

However, i managed to pull thru the thunder storm and was seeing rainbow......

Sometime.....i keep asking myself.....did i make a right choice.....however....i did not regret the choice that i made......cause......i am proud to tell the whole world that i made it.....all on my own.

This is the path which i chosen....never never U-turn....if you have miss the right-turn.....dont panic....the next right turn is waiting for you in the next junction....

Learn to let go and move on......

 

[AugBoyz]

thanks for all your supprt mummies!! i saw an article today and it quoted: the best gift we as parents can give to your kids are a complete family. that makes me upset!!!

because of tt fella's filthy deed, my kids have to adapt to a new 'status' & lifestyle. the article says kids living in a loving & complete family will grow up bring secured, happy and confident.

Qn: does it mean the kids wont in a single parent family?

At least now my kids doesnt see me cry, upset and no more naging at their dad. They won't witness how their dad talk to me with no respect, his heart is already not with this family... so I believe I make the right decision to pull out the root since I've tried all ways to maintain the relationship.

So now, my main concern is my kids, and mummies, I really don't want THE MISTAKE that we parents make affect their perception of marriage and their lives. As I still want them to have faith in having a relationship, one day walk down the aisle, although their mummy can't even sustain one.

"Complete", it is just but a word. Its how you view the whole scenario that is more meaningful. A father, a mother and a child(ren) may mean complete family for some. A father, a mother, a child(ren) and grand parents is a complete family to some. A father or a mother and a child(ren) can be a complete family too. Don't be too upset with the words pple use to generalize things/issues/pple etc. You are too concerned about you "standing out in the crowd" becoz you are "different" from other "normal" pple/family.

"the article says kids living in a loving & complete family will grow up bring secured, happy and confident." A single parent family can also be a loving & complete family. Change you view, change your mindset and you will feel happier. You will be able to see clearly, plan ahead, be more confident. When you feel all the positives energy going through you, your kids will feel it too. A confident and happy parent(s) makes confident and happy kid(s).

 

[youknowsue]

hi happymummyyo7,

After i kicked him out of the house and now he and his family can only spend 4 hrs on a wkend with my 2 kids, he did insist to see them weekly (it could be cos he's been forced to pay for maintenance)... our papers are not signed so mayb he is still able to pay me... wat if ou papers are signed? will he MIA?

My boy knows and adapting to the routine ie his dad will see them on 1 of the wkend. As for my gal, she's treating him as a playmate perhaps with no emotional attachment.

I wouldnt want to cut off the ties (altho i would if i can find someone who loves me and my kids more than their biologicial dad). As I believe my kids are not at fault, it's us as parents who created this mess and now we just have to sort it out, lead our separate lives and move on.

i've tried and still trying to be happy, to be back to my old self (i doubt i've changed much), just becoming an exercise-holic. I'm enjoying my 'new freedom', just that at times i will feel super lonely (esp when the kids sleep and im all alone staring at the tv).

but if u ask me, i actually thank him for making me realise how shitty he is, how uncompatible we are and it's really a chance for us to move on. Life is so short! Why would I want to waste it? esp when i've wasted 6 yrs of my youth in this marriage?

 

[xiaodaisy]

when u feel lonely after kids sleep , maybe u could have some own time to urself? like watching dramas? play some games?

or have some chat with frens on any topic , fm the sun to the moon lol ..

 

[happymummyo7]

Great that u think this way! It seems like u know what ya doing.
I assume the loneliness is just a phrase. Prolly cos u r used to having him ard. Thats y when all sudden u have free time for yrself u donno what to do. Its must easier to 'cure'.

For the man, seems like he is still doing his job as a father. Yr younger one wld b able to adapt easier cos like u mentioned, she seems to c daddy as a playmate only. Any changes within the nxt 6mths shd still b manageble. Its yr elder child u have to worry abt. Give the father a chance to do his part. Dont b too 'demanding' on the financial part, b more demanding n firm on issues concerning the kids. Set terms like must stick to visiting time, cannot suddenly mia. Explain to him he wldnt want the kids to b disappointed if he missed any of the visiting dates. Set terms like if there is any function events in sch u wld like him to b present no matter what. Eg meet the parents session, award session, sports meet or whatever u feel he shd b there. Set a limit for yrself like eg 3chance. Of cos dont tell him that. If he miss anyone of those that he shd b ard, he wld definitely have a reason or excuse. Accept his explanation n dont make a fuss of it, like dont questioned further or blame him or amything. But when its the 3rd time or when it hits the limit u set. At least u gave him chance. Its he who did not do his part. N u did not 'stress or pressure' him when he failed. But too many times is enough. Something like that. If he fail his part, then u have all rights n reasons to kick him off.

For yrself, spend time bonding more with yr kids. Dumped housework n phone n everything aside. Focus n devote the time to purely them n do their things with them when they r awake. Seeing them giggle n laugh n happy n loving u wld one way or another cure yr wounds. Like for me, when im with my child, im fully his. He attends childcare mon to fri, i stopped sending him on sats to have more time with him. Go gaigai or stay hm play cooking play lion dance play tickling play superman etc etc. Everything that he likes n enjoys. Things like meal time bath time slp time still stick to his routine from sch. Other things like playing or gaigai all take cues from him. He is only two so no schoolwork. Letting him decide what he wanna do during mummy's 'no work days' n me pei-ing him going down to his level is my way of bonding.
My only free time is when he naps or after he slps in the night. Thats when i do my housework do washings n all.
If u leave yr housework to after the kids slp, u will have more time with them, more things to do when u r by urself. When the father takes them out on weekends, go do yr own things, movie or shopping or chilling ard.

There r times when i get tired n ask myself what im doing. Y do i end up like this. Wish i can have my own life drinking n getting drunk like before. But looking at my boy, hearing his say mummy iloveu at night before he slps, seeing his smile hearing his laughs, esp that cheeky grin, those thoughts fly far far. We r human, we r woman, we r more emotional than men. Esp during our auntie visits days.

Find out whats eating u up, find the cause n attack it. Like u say, uve wasted six years of yr youth. Dont waste anymore time. He doesnt appreciates u, there will b someone u do. If u have a religion, go to yr religion. It will help u find the 'inner peace' n heal yr 'inside wounds'. =))

 

[sharontankenny]

Nv nv look back anymore....what is past...is past....done cannot be undone....remember this logic.

Asked yourself....what is your objective now? Focus on the objective.....if you happen to detour out of your objective......STOP......and check again.

I strongly understand how you feel.....however, getting a new MAN.....would history going to repeat again....ended up who is going to suffer....nobody but YOU....in directly your child (ren).

 

[willows]

Youknowsue,

I will normally watch drama, read books or newspaper, do my facial mask etc after my child goes to bed.

When my girl is awake, I will try to chant prayers with her and she enjoys it. Can you imagine at the age of 2 she want me to chant heart sutra to her everynight before she sleeps.

If you are a buhddist, you can join me a temple service. I would say there is where I find my inner peace and met many nice people who encourage me and give me many positive energy.

 

[youknowsue]

hi mummies, really appreciate the advise and support!! it's true tt every night when i see them sleep peacefully, i feel blessed as it's a miracle to have 2 beautiful bb (when some couples are not even lucky as us to have kids).

so yes im gonna be strong and fill my 'me time' with activities so tt i wont even think about u-turning. at times i will ask myself, when i pass on, wat would i want my kids to remember of me? i hope by then i have already fulfill my duty as their mum and taught them how to survive on their own.... drama right?

stay in touch mummies!!

 

[happymummyo7]

hi mummies, really appreciate the advise and support!! it's true tt every night when i see them sleep peacefully, i feel blessed as it's a miracle to have 2 beautiful bb (when some couples are not even lucky as us to have kids).

so yes im gonna be strong and fill my 'me time' with activities so tt i wont even think about u-turning. at times i will ask myself, when i pass on, wat would i want my kids to remember of me? i hope by then i have already fulfill my duty as their mum and taught them how to survive on their own.... drama right?

stay in touch mummies!!

Jiayou babe!!

Its not drama at all. Human tends to only learn when something serious happen. We always realise how important something is after losing it. End up in tons n tons of regrets.
I always think of death, not suicide kind la. What if one day i die, what wld i wish i have done. What if one day touch wood my whoever n whoever is gone, what wld i wish i had done. That made me 'see' more things i didnt in the past. N that makes me cherish time more. Grabbing every second i have doing everything i can for people i love. My priorities changed. Work n earn money to splurge use to b impt, now, im contented to work n earn enough to survive. Earn lesser but have more time.. In the past, friends n love r impt, i can never have a day wout a bf or spend my day at hm. Now, my parents my didi my son r my priorities. Many friends left, but this give me a chance to c who r the true friends. Many men r not interested anymore when i make my pt clear, but, this give me a chance to find the 'right' men.
Its like in the past im struggling to c light in darkness. Now, my world is suddenly filled with colors.
Sometimes when u learn to c things in another angle, u c many that were all along there but u didnt realise.

 

[youknowsue]

how did u sort out visitation? i'm not keen to let them stay overnight or go overseas trip since they are so young... as for visits, how many hrs did u usualy let your ex have? did any of you allow your kids to mix with your ex's 'new love'?

seriously even if i can move on, i doubt i can allow it to happen as my kids will be confused isnt it?

 

[youknowsue]

today he came into our place after my son asked him to stay longer... so i close 1 eye and since he's alone and not with his stupid mum, i dun mind being the angel and agree.

he stroked my daughter's cheek when she was asleep, and spent 2 additional hrs playing wii with my boy (without staring at his phone.. i can buy toto liao). and i must admit my kids were super happy with him spending more time with them.

after he left, he texted to thank me for letting him play with my kids. My reply was why thanks me? it's his rights, altho he ruined my marriage, he just have to be there for my kids and make them happy, as i wont want them to be upset. he's so strange, suddenly become so polite when he doesnt even thank me for anything previously...

 

[Jess828]

Time heals all wounds...Keep strong and focused on the vision of yourself as a stronger, brighter and more confident woman in the years to come. You can do it, you have to believe that you can. That's alot of support out there for single mums, don't refrain from reaching out...all the best love xx Take care.