how to put it across to MIL

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ecila23

Member
Hi all,

Need your kind advice on how should I put it across to my MIL that I don't want her to come my house when I'm not around.

I used to stay with my MIL during my #1 confinement. She offered to look after my bb after I go work but she failed to look after bb during my maternity therefore I change the plan of letting her look after. My mom helped me since then. My MIL actually causes depression on me... When I came to know that MIL went to my mom place to visit my bb, I shivered badly at work and kept crying till my manager told me to go home if I don't feel safe.

Reason: mil totally don't know cleanliness and look after bb/children. She ever drop my newborn into cradle upside down, face facing the floor and when I confront her, she replied, the netting have holes so bb still can breathe ask me not to worry. She can leave newborn naked on corner of bed then she go prepare bath tub. Spray water on bb using shower head without turning on heater. After bb damped in cold water, she ask what must she do next ( common sense is to apply soap)

She almost apply yu ee oil at my dd vaginal!!! Thank god I hold her hand in time to stop her.

She claim sterilizing bb bottle is a waste of water... She can left bottle on sofa... When SIL dog lick the bottle, she claimed its ok... When the dog have some skin disease... She reuse the water discharged from washing machine again to wash the next round of clothing ( not even rags/ towel) like FEW TIMES and then use the wAter to mop the house... Imagine the house is so sticky/
Smelly and the tiles were blurred...

I went back immediately without driving my car as I was shivering badly. My MIL Left before I reached my mom place and I called to scold her. Since then she never visit my bb at my mom place. I will bring bb to her place like once a month for her to see. Anyway she always go for short trip and when I bring bb over, mil and fil talk to my husband in room and did not play with bb also... They care about their son more than anything.

When I have #2 by accident, mil actually comment... Actually one kid is enough... Don't have too many children. (We are financially sufficient, I think she just worried her son no time for her) I insist to keep as my # 2 is so innocent. During pregnancy, I heard many remarks like (its a girl again etc) mil visited me twice during pregnancy because I'm tired to bring #1 to her place and once during #2 confinement. Same thing, my mom look after my #1 and #2... So no issue of mil coming my house without me around.

Recently my mom have health issue and can no longer help me look after my children. My husband and I have the intention to let my maid look after at home while we were working. I just delivered my #3...same!!! When we announce our pregnancy, she goes like... Having three children is not easy... After this better stop. When mil visit me at hospital the first time, she ask me bb is a boy or not... She has to re-confirm despite gynae confirmed and blue card on hospital bb cot shows its a boy #3 is a boy and its so much different... She visited me EVERDAY in hospital, like 5-6 am in the morning!!! And evening! When I'm breast feeding, in order to see her grandson, she stood in front of my and state at me bf my son. When I'm done, she will carry the bb away. When relatives or fren visit me in hospital, my mil carry bb out of the room! She claimed... She let my fren and relative talk to me... When my fren left, she comment to my fren... Thanks for coming... Finally it's a boy... Worst still, EVERDAY after I discharged, she turned up at my house everyday. Some days she claimed she not coming but also turn up. When she turn up, she sat next to my son and keep trying to disturb him by touching him, checking his diaper every few min. When ds move a bit, she claim bb want her to carry and she will carry all the way and refuse to put back to cot ( I am jus worried bb use to carry and I have problem looking after at night) when my two daughters get near bb... She will raised her voice at them to go away from ds. This is so hurting to my daughters!

Back to topic... Since I am putting children and maid at home, I foresee my mil will drop by very often when I'm not around... How can I avoid this, how can I put it across to her that i don't want her to come? I told my hubby about my Concern but I am sure that he will not tell his parent! He might even help them hide from me!
 
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lyra

Member
U sound pretty stressed up. Poor mummy. U can try limiting her access to ur house by changing house locks n she can only visit when u r home. Instruct ur maid to not let her in when u r not ard. Dun open door n pretend nobody is at home. And disable the doorbell.

Ur mom can still help to look out for ur kids while ur maid do the taking care? She's unwell, maybe she can rest, watch tv etc while maid do the work. If ur mom is at home, it might be easier to keep a check on the mil. But then the best is communication. Tell mil what u want n come to a compromise, that is if she's the type who can understand reasoning n willing to compromise.
 
quincy1986

quincy1986

Active Member
lyra said:
U sound pretty stressed up. Poor mummy. U can try limiting her access to ur house by changing house locks n she can only visit when u r home. Instruct ur maid to not let her in when u r not ard. Dun open door n pretend nobody is at home. And disable the doorbell.

Ur mom can still help to look out for ur kids while ur maid do the taking care? She's unwell, maybe she can rest, watch tv etc while maid do the work. If ur mom is at home, it might be easier to keep a check on the mil. But then the best is communication. Tell mil what u want n come to a compromise, that is if she's the type who can understand reasoning n willing to compromise.
Click to expand...
yes, changing the lock is a good idea.
but before that you just politely tell her, you do not have to come over to my place, i can manage.
if she insist, then you change the locks.
 
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ecila23

Member
I told her Dont need to come but she is those sneaky type, do things secretly behind my back.. Tell maid also useless, maid cannot reject her rudely mah... Only when I'm around she will scared.

Change lock she also will ask Maid open. Hard to pretend no one home cos she call or knock my daughter will answer... I don't want to tell my daughter about these adult issues...

My mom will come on and off to check on maid but I can't possibly make my mom come 9-5... She need to rest also...

Hate to have in law!
 
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ecila23

Member
There is one instance told me she not coming cos she got relative gathering but on the day itself brainwash my elder daughter that the party can swim... Then my daughter want follow she suddenly turn up at my place to fetch her. I have to be the bad guy to stop my daughter because she is pang tang below 7 will have water accident, I won't allow her to swim unless I'm around. Can you imagine my in law leaving her alone at the pool?
 
quincy1986

quincy1986

Active Member
if talk nice nice cannot then talk seriously.
let her know you have your authority.
before that, let your hb know. say sorry i might do something that make your mother angry.

if possible ask your hb join in have a good talk with your mother
if you have a reasonable relative, then that person can sit in and be a mediator also.
 
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ecila23

Member
She bad mouth me in front of all aunt in law.. I sense that cos whenever I meet up with them.. They will say something like... Although your mother help you look after children but cannot alway say your mother sacrifice a lot...

My Hb will only tell me to leave it to him... He will settle... Then my in law turn up at my house, my Hb will say in law never tell him they coming.. This happened like 3 times already, Hb and I always quarrel Becos of these shit!

Personally I don't like her and she is also unsafe to let the kids b with alone... Even my maid say... When they go in law house, the utensils all so dirty and children porridge cook from left over gravy... She add in rice to cook as porridge for the kids... She cut the fish on the tiles instead of chopping board... I really pity my children.
 
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ecila23

Member
Example of incident that causes me to to hate her, after we announce we getting married in April, she force her son to sign cpf nomination form to nominate herself as beneficiary.

When my Hb and SIL graduate, she booked graduation photo taking at studio... She act angel invite me in front of my father in law and Hb... She ask me to dress nicely and take leave to take photo together. When I reach, I just help my Hb wear his gown, photographer told everyone to be seated, I also never thick skin go forward, I just pack the clothes of my Hb, my fil ask... Alice... Come stand with us... My mil tell me off loudly in front of EVERYONE... No no no, she not our family!!!

When I was preg with #1, I stayed with them, I took the broom and wanted to do house work, she tel me, I preg jus rest ( when fil around) I tot maybe she doesn't like ppl interfere her house chores, she went to tell my Hb I must help chores cannot treat her like slave!
 
quincy1986

quincy1986

Active Member
you say she bad mouth you
i tell you we as wives no matter how nice things may seem, in side the hearts of our hb's relatives, we are still the outsider.

if your hb say he will settle, try not to quarrel with him
it means u still have hope that he is on your side.
but you tell him, this is my concern as a mother, it is not fair to let you settle yourself.
you tell him if he want we sit and talk to your mother together
or you just have a good talk with your mil yourself.
tell your hb that you wish to change the locks if she insist her way

base on what i read in your story, your mil check on the maid is a good thing
but if you say like she do things very terrible then better dont have her at your place la.
 
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ecila23

Member
I mean my mother check on maid not my mil... She herself donno how to look after kids and keep house clean what can she check on maid.. Worst ar she will use money to bribe my maid to inform her when I will not be home
 
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kylnn

Member
Hi ecila23, poor thing. I sympathize with your situation coz my MIL was also like that. Kept visiting even though I insisted many times not to come, and she is utterly useless in looking after baby.

I had a few quarrels with my hubby over his mom, coz he tends to side her. And she would always privately complain to him when I tell her what she had done was wrong. Then hubby would get angry at me for saying his mom. Sometimes I would back off and just tahan the situation, other times I would bluntly tell them off if it's something I feel strongly about.

I know that we as wives, it's better not to piss off our hubbies. But some situations call for it. We cannot always just tolerate and tolerate. I believe that as long as we know we are in the right and explain to hubby why we want things to be done in a certain way (e.g. don't want MIL come visit so often), eventually hubby will understand (even though he will cold-war with me for a few days haha). Better 短痛 than 长痛.

Small things (like listening to irritating MIL's voice) we can afford to tolerate, but big things (like your dirty MIL's situation, ecila23) cannot.

Just wondering, how does your hubby feel about the situation? Have you talked to him about it? Does he know that MIL is very incompetent in looking after the kids? Try drilling it in his head that his mother is harming the kids with her dirty ways. Start by hinting, then explaining nicely, and if he still doesn't understand, then no choice have a very blunt talk with him.

It's all for your children's sake, especially your baby. Also, if this continues on, ur maid might quit and that would be disastrous for you.
 
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ecila23

Member
Yes.. I'm worried if I pressed my maid too hard she might leave... Haiz...

My husband won't open up to me how he think... He will just change topic and not be firm to his parent so end up in law repeat the situation and I must be the bad guy to scold my in law and quarrel with my husband.. But at the end my hubby will pacify me... I forgive him... Then the whole story repeat again...
 
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Anniston

Member
Woah.... this is really bad!!! I tot my situation with my MIL was bad... your situation is worst than mine. Don't mean to add more fire but I think such situation has to be resolved at your husband level, else we will never have peace of mind while working. In the end, it may even degrade your work performance. Hope all's well ends well... god bless you!
 
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