I got prob w my sister and SIL

[MsKoh1973]

my SIL, abt 40 yo, single, fr Msia, stayed at my house coming to 5 years, she earned more than me, but didn't pay a single cent or contribute to the house. Everyday come home, watch tv, ask the maid to do this do tat, play computer game, read books and sleep. My husband said since no other pp in Sg fr home is here, its our duty to take care of her FOC. Everyday, I have to make sure she is well fed with nurtitious meal, if I cook something which is fast food, my husband will be angry that I don't feed his dear sister well.

My sister, divorced w 2 girls, aged 5 and 9, staying w me. She used to be her own boss, working as hawker, but biz no good, stall closed down, now she working as cashier for other hawker. Ever since she started working for other pp, she now always on the phone even when she at home, bo chap her two kids, tell me to take care of them and teach them homework, but her two kids abit noti, and I oso have to take care of my own 5 yo. If I "delegate" the task of caring her own kids to her, on the slightest error, she will beat them, slap them, feel that they take up alot of her time.

Now my sister's happiest moment is going to work, tho she always complaint work is difficult. When I offererd her money to stay at home so that she can take care of her kids, she want higher pay (I offer to match her current) pay, bonus etc, in the end, I gv up.

If her kids no good, she blame me no take good care of them, now she tok to her co-worker and boss more then she tok to me, she said I interferring with her personal life when I stop her from toking on the phone for too long.......

 

[DodoTan]

Oh my, either you have a fairly large house or you've got way too many people under one roof. Sorry to hear of your situation. My first reaction upon reading your post is that you must be a very nice person. To agree to take in your SIL and your sister and her 2 rugrats isn't an easy decision.

I don't know the nature of your relationship with your sister, but I think it's not so much that she doesn't care/love her children. Perhaps she's still sore after the divorce; maybe too stressed and unhappy to have to depend on her sister; maybe the relationship with her ex ended so badly that her kids keep reminding her of him. Perhaps what she needs is professional counseling to help her sort out her emotions.

As for your SIL, it does sound like she's really overstepping. But your husband must be very close to his sister (or very protective of her) to want to take care of her like that even though she obviously doesn't need it. I think maybe your best bet would be find her a man hahaha... No, seriously in my opinion, she'll only leave your house if she gets married or if she has a fallout with your husband. Since neither seems very likely, I guess you might have to live with it. Just come mummysg every now and then and complain a bit to let steam lor...

 

[angelwendy]

I feel that ur hubby is over react about the fast food that u cook for his sister... nowdays who don't eat fast food... if he mind so much.. sorry to say that They must be from a kampong or somewhere that there is no fried food allow.. sorry for being harsh.. but i feel that is unfair to u.. maybe u can talk to ur hubby?? or if he really don't understand.. then maybe u suggest that he ask his sister go outside eat.. instead of u spend all the time cooking for her...

As for ur sister... actually there is nothing much u can do about it... because this is the way she is... just talk to her nicely.. & say that the resposible for her child is hers... no matter what... she is still the mother... Might be u r being too nice so she is taking it for granted... Patz.. sorry to heard about all this... U must be a kind lady...

 

[MsKoh1973]

It doesn't pay of to be Madam of the house, I have to go NTUC every few days, buy all the groceries and food for the whole house. Everyday I have to inform the maid what to cook. Decide what the children eat for the nite, what assessment books they do, record what type of educational cartoon for them.

Weekends, I have to bring them rush here and there for tuitions, sometimes my husband and sister work, then I have to go everywhere all by myself. My SIL never offer to help.

Sometimes I tried to ask my SIL for help, few times when I ask, she will say that she got appointment or she going out, later on when I came back home she still at home, then she will say change of plan.......

My husband always tell me, treat his sister like my own, if I want to ask his sister to pay for staying at my house, then should pay the same as what my sister pay me cos must be fair. My own sister is a hawker assistant, earning only about $1k pm, husband never pay maintenance, need to take care of 2 kids 5 n 9 yo. My SIL, pay at least $6K (her last job pay, now shd be higher), single, should she be paying the same amount as my sister?

Actually I don't really bother with her money, but is just that she is treating my house like hotel tat's making me angry. My husband once asked me, how much I want, I told him to get his sister to donate $500 to charity in my girl's name every month then I will be happy.

Tho My husband said his sister actually care for me, but I think he bullshit, last year Jan when I pregy and later miscarriage, my SIL only told me...its fate.......she did not even buy a bottle of chicken essence for me at all, not even till now......yet my own neighbours, upon hearing the news, when to buy top grade birdnest, gingsen for me.........

this only to show what kind of person she is, living off me and his brother only, don't even treat us like family, free food and lodging.....

sometimes I wonder, if her own frens and colleague knew what she has done, how would they view her??

 

[DodoTan]

I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. No one should have to go through something like that. Your SIL must be some ice queen to say what she did. Live with you for so long still got no feelings for you at all... and seriously, $6k per month is a lot of $$! What does she do with her money?

I really feel bad for you. After going through so much, these people around still can't see that you've got too much on your plate meh?

You know, I came across an old American Indian saying today: 'The house lays not on the ground but on the woman'
These people are not being appreciative enough of you, the woman of the house. Of course, you could simply choose to only do things your way. It could get ugly, but if they're really 'too busy to help' what could they do?

 

[MsKoh1973]

Thursday morning, my SIL told me, don't need to cook diner for her, cos she will be going to Msia that day.............

wowo so much respect..........

I wonder, if not becos of diner, maybe she won't even bother to tell me she is going back to Msia for holidays.......

Free food, free house..........check in and out any time you like............

beri good life

or am I too mean with her?

Last nite cooked her birdnest...........had it for breakfast this morning.....wonder when she found out when she back next week.........wats her reaction...........kekekekekek

 

[shopaholic]

I think you're nice enough to allow them to stay with you. To expect some contributions, I do not think it's overboard. Afterall, we hv to be practical. Without money, can one expect free lodging and quality food?

Honestly, I think living with adult siblings in your own home can be a potential problem. It's different when we all live with our parents in the parental home. Now, we are married with kids, so money, cleanliness, space and privacy can be potential problems.

Actually, being 40yo and earning a decent income, she shd be independent and able to live on her own. I find she's imposing on her brother and you by living in for so many years. She's no longer young, is she expecting to stay on forever??

 

[MsKoh1973]

hard to chase SIL out of the house, cos my sis with 2 kids oso staying w me, cannot justify.

but my SIL super buay zi dong, even if u ask her do things, she act blur or give excuses.. On the surface, she is those kind of princess looking kind, tok softly, beri gentle kind of pp, who would expect her to behave like tat, I think even her own close frens and colleage don't noe the dark side of her.

sometimes when I buy food home, I yi shi yi shi offer her.......then she said, if the food is good, pp will come and eat, the more I ask pp to eat, the more pp think the food is rubbish taste.

u see, this kind of words, free food still must listen to crabs fr her. But if I don't offer her, my husband will say I never take care of his sister.

I think unless she got retrenched and go back to msia, she will stay w me tian chang ti jiu.....forever............

I told my husband to go tell his sister, must do up a will and at least give some money to my girl cos now I am using my girl's future money to feed my xiao gu.

But I bet she won't leave my girl a single cent, cos I noe my xiao gu don't like me, she always think that I am trying to pick on my husband, actually most of the time, the quarrel all started all becos of her.

Actually, sometimes I really feel like posting my feelings on my facebook so that she can see it, my husband noe of my intent, he told me don't carry things too far since his sister will be able to read it cos they are "friends" in face book.

Sometimes I wonder, why my xiao gu dun feel funni that I never add her as a fren in facebook.......she never click on me oso, she oso never bother to ask.

 

[shopaholic]

Dealing with relations like sil is sensitive. This is esp so when your husband is sorta on her side and takes it upon himself to take care of her. I can only say you hv been very nice to allow, whether your sis or sil, to live with you. They shd appreciate your kind gesture and be more "zi dong". At least, maybe offer to pay for utility bills? For me, I do not like relatives living with me. I value my privacy too much and I'm a fussy person, so I dont want to spoil relations by having anyone live with me because I hv my house rules and some may not see eye to eye with me. In fact, I see living apart from relations and having no money dealings is a way of maintaining cordial relationships. Seen too many examples within the family or circle of friends. Also, once talk about money, whether borrowing or lending then later did not return etc, spoil relationships.

 

[MsKoh1973]

money part still under good control, I never hide my bank account from my gambler dad or broke brother, but they never try to borrow money from me

cos they noe, I don't like to lend pp money, I only give, but to make me give, I will have to inspect their cashflow for at least last 12 months, they have to give me justifications. Usually, they rather look for alternative then to borrow fr me........ha

looking after my sis oso no choice, she only has me this sister, and she oso not rich, divorce need to take care of 2 girls, I could never turn my back on her.

As for my SIL, ya, think she will stay with me forever, unless got other relative from msia hometown want to come to sg, cos some of my nieces and nephews planning to come sg to further study in few years time. I will definitely not let them squeeze into my house, my husband promise me, if that happen, he will ask his sister to go outside to buy/ rent a place and stay wif the msia niece or nephews......

 

[RunForrest]

Your situation really bad. It seems that you are avoiding your own problems while solving others' problems. If you are unhappy about your current situation, I think u really have to sit down with your hubby and discuss this.
It is nice to help your relative but not at the expense of your own happiness.
when people do voluntary work, they derive satisfaction from other people's joy. Your relative's joy is obviously taking a toll on your personal life.

And everyone must reap what they sow. If they have to suffer abit, then let them suffer and learn from there. if you pamper them, they will never know life is tough. Just help them when they are going to fall off the cliff, then let go again once they can stand.

Always take care of your own family first before u think of others. who is going to be there for the rest of your life, especially if bad things happen?
Do not let the feelings inside you snowballed and 1 day collapse.

In my opinion, to be fair, he love his sister, u love yours, give them the same financial assistance and ask them to be independent. don't stay together and build up all the unnecceary conflicts. and i guess $ assistance is more measurable.. so they can't say u are not helpful. Of coz depends on how much u want to give, you could be worse off financially, but $ is not everything. relationship is, especially your own family. Make the right choice. No regrets.

 

[MsKoh1973]

Your situation really bad. It seems that you are avoiding your own problems while solving others' problems. If you are unhappy about your current situation, I think you really have to sit down with your hubby and discuss this.
It is nice to help your relative but not at the expense of your own happiness.
when people do voluntary work, they derive satisfaction from other people's joy. Your relative's joy is obviously taking a toll on your personal life.

And everyone must reap what they sow. If they have to suffer abit, then let them suffer and learn from there. if you pamper them, they will never know life is tough. Just help them when they are going to fall off the cliff, then let go again once they can stand.

Always take care of your own family first before you think of others. who is going to be there for the rest of your life, especially if bad things happen?
Do not let the feelings inside you snowballed and 1 day collapse.

In my opinion, to be fair, he love his sister, you love yours, give them the same financial assistance and ask them to be independent. dont't stay together and build up all the unnecceary conflicts. and i guess $ assistance is more measurable.. so they can't say you are not helpful. Of coz depends on how much you want to give, you could be worse off financially, but $ is not everything. relationship is, especially your own family. Make the right choice. No regrets.

Thanks for your advise, but think it may not work in my case. You see, my SIL's pay is definitely higher than me, so she won't need any "financial aid" from me.....

as for my sister, she need help to take care of her kids, so even if I give her $$, unless its enough for her to buy a new house, get another maid.......she still couldn't settle on her own.

now my SIL is "improving", she helps to bring kids to school, tho is not much, but "at least" she moves her butt.

as for my sis, she oso slight improvement, she starts to spend at least half hour a day to coach her own kids rather than throwing them to me completely.

 

[RunForrest]

Thanks for your advise, but think it may not work in my case. You see, my sister In law's pay is definitely higher than me, so she won't need any "financial aid" from me.....

as for my sister, she need help to take care of her kids, so even if I give her $$, unless its enough for her to buy a new house, get another maid.......she still couldn't settle on her own.

now my sister In law is "improving", she helps to bring kids to school, tho is not much, but "at least" she moves her butt.

as for my sis, she also slight improvement, she starts to spend at least half hour a day to coach her own kids rather than throwing them to me completely.

If you are to carry on like this, then I guess you have to set a low expectation so you can be more contended.

All the best to you. I really hope "hao xin you hao bao"

 

[MsKoh1973]

If you are to carry on like this, then I guess you have to set a low expectation so you can be more contended.

All the best to you. I really hope "hao xin you hao bao"

I only worry one day I not around, the whole house will collapse........so I must be strong...