I would also like to highlight a few more points when communicating with your young/matured children based on my experiences with my parents. Mind you, my teenage years have long passed but the some of the ways that my parents treated and still treating me are really a big no-no as it frustrates me and is definitely widening the gap between them and me:
1) Don't compare your children with other friends'/relatives'/neighbours'/etc. children.
- This has become so prominent lately that I dread sharing, not to mention sad news, but even happy news with them. Everything is about whose child did what successful thing. While it's good to acknowledge people's achievements, but when it's quoted for comparison, it's not a good feeling for your child. They will cease to share things with you because they feel that you're always siding with outside people. I tried to make them understand that much as they're hearing the good things about those children, I am sure everybody or family has their own set of problems which you may not know about. Instead, mum will straight jump to defend those people.
2) Have confidence in your children (even if you don't, you should make them believe you do)
- Drawing on my own experience, my mum would rather listen to my cousins than to me, be it planning for a holiday, searching for accommodations, visiting specific places, health issues, what should or shouldn't be eaten for their age, which doctor to go to, even down to what cosmetic brands to use. E.g. I researched on all the information carefully for a trip to HK and shared the info with her. She listened but doesn't give much comments. Next thing I know, she tells me next day that my cousin said whatever whatever places are good to visit (I was the one who told her all that) so we should go. When I said I already told her that, she still goes on defending and saying the cousin knows best (I have no idea on what grounds that cousin knows best). I said I wanted to go Ocean Park previously, she said it's too boring so I decided since boring for them then better not go. Next day she says to include Ocean Park in the trip because that cousin says she wants to go.
3) Don't take your children's sharing of news/problems with you as gossip.
- I recently shared some problems/updates about my work with my mum since she asked. Next few days, my aunties asked me about the updates. SIGHH I was terribly disappointed when my aunties asked me that as I have told my mum I do not like to share my personal affairs with outside people. So now I resort to not sharing my things that I hold to heart.
4) Impart the sense as if you give your child freedom.
- My mum has the tendency to call me to ask somethings whenever she wants. That has never bothered me too much as I reply whenever I can. If I am held up and can't get back to her immediately, I usually explain later. Anyway, whenever I can't get back to her immediately, she will keep sending me messages and calls a few times. Just a few weeks back, she told me that I need to reply her immediately. I got rather frustrated and told her there are reasons why I can't reply immediately, I am usually caught up in meetings or some other things, if not I sure reply immediately. She wasn't happy and showed it to me. I really feel it's too inconsiderate. Especially I am not a child anymore but a working adult. I feel that she should impart the sense of being more understanding (even if she doesn't) to put the person at ease.
That's all I can think of for now which I keep reminding myself not to commit when I have kids in future.
1) Don't compare your children with other friends'/relatives'/neighbours'/etc. children.
- This has become so prominent lately that I dread sharing, not to mention sad news, but even happy news with them. Everything is about whose child did what successful thing. While it's good to acknowledge people's achievements, but when it's quoted for comparison, it's not a good feeling for your child. They will cease to share things with you because they feel that you're always siding with outside people. I tried to make them understand that much as they're hearing the good things about those children, I am sure everybody or family has their own set of problems which you may not know about. Instead, mum will straight jump to defend those people.
2) Have confidence in your children (even if you don't, you should make them believe you do)
- Drawing on my own experience, my mum would rather listen to my cousins than to me, be it planning for a holiday, searching for accommodations, visiting specific places, health issues, what should or shouldn't be eaten for their age, which doctor to go to, even down to what cosmetic brands to use. E.g. I researched on all the information carefully for a trip to HK and shared the info with her. She listened but doesn't give much comments. Next thing I know, she tells me next day that my cousin said whatever whatever places are good to visit (I was the one who told her all that) so we should go. When I said I already told her that, she still goes on defending and saying the cousin knows best (I have no idea on what grounds that cousin knows best). I said I wanted to go Ocean Park previously, she said it's too boring so I decided since boring for them then better not go. Next day she says to include Ocean Park in the trip because that cousin says she wants to go.
3) Don't take your children's sharing of news/problems with you as gossip.
- I recently shared some problems/updates about my work with my mum since she asked. Next few days, my aunties asked me about the updates. SIGHH I was terribly disappointed when my aunties asked me that as I have told my mum I do not like to share my personal affairs with outside people. So now I resort to not sharing my things that I hold to heart.
4) Impart the sense as if you give your child freedom.
- My mum has the tendency to call me to ask somethings whenever she wants. That has never bothered me too much as I reply whenever I can. If I am held up and can't get back to her immediately, I usually explain later. Anyway, whenever I can't get back to her immediately, she will keep sending me messages and calls a few times. Just a few weeks back, she told me that I need to reply her immediately. I got rather frustrated and told her there are reasons why I can't reply immediately, I am usually caught up in meetings or some other things, if not I sure reply immediately. She wasn't happy and showed it to me. I really feel it's too inconsiderate. Especially I am not a child anymore but a working adult. I feel that she should impart the sense of being more understanding (even if she doesn't) to put the person at ease.
That's all I can think of for now which I keep reminding myself not to commit when I have kids in future.
