Is this Verbal abuse in a relationship?

[pixie]

If you are very certain that you did nothing wrong at all, why is there a need to private message some of the ladies here? Afterall, you have been trying to put your spouse down after so many posts already.

Hi Kimitsusei,

Thank you for the advice....wanted to send you an private mail but your account is not activated
;(

Again, generalisation from you.....men and women; we all have different level of tolerence.

Hi Kimitsusei,

Maybe every woman tolerance level are different....trival matter can become great resentment ;( ;(

Sorry, but the more you try to defend yourself, I find something is wrong. Not just your wife but in you too, Simon73.

kimitsusei has given a good summation of what most of us wanted to say and if you just want to ignore, then I reckon your marriage will fail and it sounds so obvious to me that you are the one who wants to be out but just finding yourself excuses to get out from the marriage.

Hopefully my guess is wrong and you do want to try to salvage your marriage. It's much easier to walk out of your spouse than work hard on a marriage/relationship.

 

[noelsmum]

Pixie, I don't think Simon wants to fix his marriage honestly. If you look at all his posts, he's just putting all the blame on his wife and telling others what a door mat he has been. My guess, he just wants us to feel sorry so that his ego can be fed and that he can tell his wife, see other women on the forum say that you're a bad wife. So that's why my advice to Simon is to walk away since he doesn't seem to be interested in fixing the problem but to point fingers at others. Yes, maybe your wife can be harsh and critical but what about yourself? What's with sending private messages to ladies? What's your intentions?

 

[pixie]

I fully agreed with you - very spot on!
But I am a person who always want ppl to work on their marriage before they give up.

Pixie, I don't think Simon wants to fix his marriage honestly. If you look at all his posts, he's just putting all the blame on his wife and telling others what a door mat he has been. My guess, he just wants us to feel sorry so that his ego can be fed and that he can tell his wife, see other women on the forum say that you're a bad wife. So that's why my advice to Simon is to walk away since he doesn't seem to be interested in fixing the problem but to point fingers at others. Yes, maybe your wife can be harsh and critical but what about yourself? What's with sending private messages to ladies? What's your intentions?

 

[lyra]

I think he send pm because if he describes the incident openly, his wife may know who he is if she comes across this thread.

I guess everyone needs a place where one can find a listening ear.

Men seldom have such a venue whether online and offline.

I do sympathize with you, simon73 and hopefully, you can find a way out of the situation. Like what noelmum said, even though it's sad, separation may be a better solution than to stay on in the marriage for the child. No matter what you and your wife choose, it must be a way that is for the best interests of your child, you and your wife. I've met friends who divorced and remarried and they have kids from first marriage. Sometimes it's just that ppl's character changes or the relationship just cannot be salvaged, and divorce is better than holding on. But the second marriage is working out great. The kids are happy and they are happy.

 

[pixie]

This thread was started in Dec 16 last year. If a man truly wants to salvage his marriage, I reckon he would have already taken some actions instead of constantly coming back to the forum and whinge about things and speak what wife has done to him. Lots of advises were suggested, so there is absolutely no reason why if a person who still loves his wife will not take up any suggestion at all.

Next, I bet he knows if his wife frequent this forum or else he would have already stopped posting already.

It is true that men seldom discuss such stuff openly but to private message women whom he doesnt know is even rarer (if they need a venue out and there's no other option, men will choose to speak to either the sister(s) or female friends whom they know)! First 2 sentences in noelsmum's reply was really a spot on.

 

[RedDevil]

Sometimes when I argue with my hubby, ya when you are angry, any stupid words will come out from our mouth. We will stopped talking to each other and cool down. When we are cool and calm already, we will talk each other why we are angry and apologize to each other. We never want to go to bed feeling angry with each other even before our wedding. Therefore, I feel that you should have HTH with your wife. Talk to her regarding the incident that happened 3 years ago and why can't she let go. Is not healthy to bring up an old incident that happened so long ago. You can alway go counselling on your own if your wife doesnt want to go at all and IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE!

 

[yuzudinga]

I believe in a relationship, one should never ever think or talk about seperation or divorce else it will defintely happen sooner or later.
If a person keeps blaming another for his predicament n not take charge of how he is contributing to the situation, I'm sorry, but I think his relationship or marriage never work out no matter how many partners he changes as the root of the problem is usually within ourselves.
Simon, if U R still reading this, please take charge of ur life n speak to a counseller urself b4 U make any decisions.
Pls ensure tat its a mutual calm decision for the 2 of u if ever u decide on having a divorce instead of saying it out when u R quarrelling.

 

[simon73]

-

simon73:



maybe what she wants is a sincere apology from you regarding that incident... otherwise she finds it very hard to forgive you in that respect


i dun think your wife enjoys being resentful towards you at all... every wife wants a blissful marriage... but something about that incident could have prevented her from letting go and moving on... so now she is kind of stuck at that awful memory... not that she wanted so... but deep inside, i believe she hopes you can understand, be more considerate, etc? what she really wants, after all, could be a sincere apology and kind explanation from you regarding that incident?




a friend of my friend suffered public embarrassment many years ago... she was very upset and angry that her cowardly husband did not choose to stand up for her... but he left her to become the public laughing stock instead... because he was afraid to offend other people and got himself into trouble


from then on... the wife becomes very easily irritated and agitated... she will pick on her husband for every little thing... then she will bring up the past memory of what happened to her in public... then the husband also is the very hot-tempered type... he will yell back at her... no end i tell you


up till today... there have been frequent heated quarrels between themselves... it is like a vicious cycle... and the only way to break this vicious cycle is to address the issue


whats worse is that both of them are the very hot-tempered type... so they cannot even agree to be willing to have a face-to-face talk... they have different demands from each other... need to raise 2 kids at same time without any grandparents help... their 2 kids are placed under childcare centre


they both shower their kids with lots of parental love... but they rarely even say a very simple "I LOVE YOU" to each other (between husband and wife)


quite a tragedy

thanks for sharing... are they still living together? your friend scenerio is more or less the same mine & sometime my wife will pitch me until my arm are blue black... but we still talk like a normal couple if she is a good mood

 

[simon73]

Pixie, I don't think Simon wants to fix his marriage honestly. If you look at all his posts, he's just putting all the blame on his wife and telling others what a door mat he has been. My guess, he just wants us to feel sorry so that his ego can be fed and that he can tell his wife, see other women on the forum say that you're a bad wife. So that's why my advice to Simon is to walk away since he doesn't seem to be interested in fixing the problem but to point fingers at others. Yes, maybe your wife can be harsh and critical but what about yourself? What's with sending private messages to ladies? What's your intentions?

please read carefully again...it is my wife who keep mentioned of going seperate way when we have a heat quarrel. what can i do if she refuse to go counselling.....what is this forum for is we guys are not allow to wash dirty laundry here....anyway mine is not because it doesn't involved any adultery or any financial embrassment

 

[simon73]

I think he send pm because if he describes the incident openly, his wife may know who he is if she comes across this thread.

I guess everyone needs a place where one can find a listening ear.

Men seldom have such a venue whether online and offline.

I do sympathize with you, simon73 and hopefully, you can find a way out of the situation. Like what noelmum said, even though it's sad, separation may be a better solution than to stay on in the marriage for the child. No matter what you and your wife choose, it must be a way that is for the best interests of your child, you and your wife. I've met friends who divorced and remarried and they have kids from first marriage. Sometimes it's just that ppl's character changes or the relationship just cannot be salvaged, and divorce is better than holding on. But the second marriage is working out great. The kids are happy and they are happy.

thank you for the kind words ...unless my wife file for divorce otherwise a man will always lose out on woman's charter

 

[extremepower]

Bro,

Being a single parent to take care of kids is not easy hor...

So, for those ladies, you can try giving your kids to your ex-husband to take care for 3 months see if they stress and see how the juggle their life. Then they will only appreciate. Correct?ancing_tongue:

 

[yuzudinga]

please read carefully again...it is my wife who keep mentioned of going seperate way when we have a heat quarrel. what can i do if she refuse to go counselling.....what is this forum for is we guys are not allow to wash dirty laundry here....anyway mine is not because it doesn't involved any adultery or any financial embrassment

hi simon, u listen only to gold 90 fm is it? only hear the good things? u keep asking what can u do if she refuse to go counselling? u can go for counselling urself!
the counseller should be able to advise u on how u can react to her so that she can understand what she's doing. if she find tat u have improved after the counselling, i'm sure she will be motivated to go counselling too.
if in worse case scenario both of u really get divorced, at least u know u did ur best and u will have a better future with ur next partner and have tried ur best for ur child. even if she refuse to do her part, u at least u did urs..

 

[Ekari]

Seems more like stress get into you...a vacation with your husband reminiscence of the old days would truly help.

Both side is at fault in my opinion. Your husband not being very helpful, you being a little too overstress on your contribution towards the family. No man likes to hear that or being compared to.

 

[busygal]

hi simon, u listen only to gold 90 fm is it? only hear the good things? u keep asking what can u do if she refuse to go counselling? u can go for counselling urself!
the counseller should be able to advise u on how u can react to her so that she can understand what she's doing. if she find tat u have improved after the counselling, i'm sure she will be motivated to go counselling too.
if in worse case scenario both of u really get divorced, at least u know u did ur best and u will have a better future with ur next partner and have tried ur best for ur child. even if she refuse to do her part, u at least u did urs..

Any reliable counsellers to recommend? We are also having some problems between us but seems hard to express, at times we try to avoid admitting that such a problem exists. Both of us know well that there are distinct changes in recent days. We have tried hard to patch in different ways through advice from books and our close friends. In common, both of us have been blaming on the feng shui of our house. We felt that this had caused our feelings to be impatient and the lack of want to hear each other out. We are more drowned by our individual problems at work. Often at the heat of the moment, we can't even see eye to eye. Then when I am alone, I felt surprise at the emotional level I was in. This had never happen to me before when we were staying in his parents place. More than often, we would bring out regrets and put the blame to wrongly engage master david tong. we don't seem to understand any other reasons that has caused our relationship to strain. Will counselling do the job? How long does it take to see improvement. I heard from friends that medication pychiatrist is another option.

 

[yuki12]

Dear simon,

From what I read and garnered from the posts here, I have a feeling that your wife might be suffering from depression which you may not noticed.

My husband's business associate recently told my husband, he wanted to divorced his crazy wife during the first few years of parenthood. He mentioned his wife is super emotional, like scolding him, abusing him and neglecting the family. She stopped dressing up and totally ignore him.

After 4 years of tolerating her nonsense, he said she is back to normal now... They are happier than before.

From this, I suspect she has post natal depression, but no one seems to understand that and bring her for counselling or give her extra TLC. Maybe that's why she went into a crazy state surpressing her sadness and anger.

Don't ignore her, do find out what is the real cause of these ok...

Its tough to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a best friend, a daughter and an employee. Women has to look into every single detail and take good care of everyone.

Last week is CNY festive and I have 9 long days break. Almost everyday I am washing clothes/ beddings/ bb clothes, sweep floor, mop floor, cook and look after husband and bb. (Husband is down with flu)
Need to run errands for my parents and brother. Reunion dinner at husband's house just seems like a MAID. But at least I look after my son in the bedroom with aircon. Imagine I am out in living room with all the maids? I didnt even have a chance to sit on the table and eat. No one helped me. You know, I wanted to cry. So hurt and so sad. Honestly, its not easy to be a woman...

Be more understanding to your wife okay? I am sure as time passes, she will be moved by your quiet love & concern. Each individual has different love language and we express differently. Take care ya.

 

[simon73]

Hi Yuki12,

Thank you & everyone for the encouragement & goodwill. This forum is good for people like me to share & pour my sorrow...haiz
Did receive some private message from some kind friends too....been busy so won't be able to reply immediately.
My relationship is like a time bomb...never know when it will explode....stressful hor..

 

[crystalpink]

Hi Simon,

Pls clear yr PM box as it is full, I can't send msg to u, thks.