lelecy0305
New Member
Dear all
Im glad that i chanced upon this forum while surfing.
Newly married for 6 mths, and already thinking of divorcing + seriously wonder how did i ever land myself with such a guy!
Background:
Courtship for 3 years, 6 months into marriage.
My husband is 4 years older than me, only son with two old aged parents, own car but no roof <parents married late and was contented with living in rental flat from hdb>. He is an introvert person with good temper, loving guy and filial son.
I am elder daughter living with parents and younger sister. Bad tempered girl, 脾气 is 三分钟热度, loves hopping around exploring and learning new thing, love the sun and sea and everything outdoor and under the bright sun.
I categorised him as: secretive, disrespectful, MCP ignore other people's feeling.
Reason:
1) when we're still in relationship, he doesn't talk about his family, until I asked then he will briefly say how are his parents right now.
2) he doesn't introduce me to his parents not until when we are about to ROM
3) never tell me where he stay until i accidentally came across his ic
4) he never bother to keep me informed of his departure and arrival date when he go holidays with his parents, nor did he bother to update me
upon his safe arrival.
5) when he is looking for me, he expects me to answer/return his calls or messages, but he has never done so when i'm looking for him.
6) he went total MIA when his granddad passed away, not even a single call or message to inform. I called several times, sent smses but no replies until
1 week later. Reason being he was too busy that he doesn't even have that few mins to return call or sms.
7) his promises are meant to be broken and not kept.
8) totally ignore when i highlighted we are facing some issues
When we are in courtship, we used to meet every weekend, he will arrange to meet on weekdays evening if he has to work on weekends. I cherish all the time spent together. He would pop by my place visit my parents as and when he is free, attend my family gathering and events. My parents and relatives have good impressions of him and i was warned not to bully him, because they said he is an innocent guy but kinda quiet. They are the ones who find topics to chat with him. From the beginning before we started, he already know what kind of family i grew up in, how much i value family gatherings etc.
I tried asking more about him, he only revealed that he is an only son and parents are of very old aged. As days pass by, i thought he would openly tell me when we are more stable in the relationship. Can you imagine I don't even know where he stay until i chanced upon his ic. He never took the initiative to bring me to his house, i asked and was rejected few times. He only introduces me to his parents officially after he proposed (i think i must have gone crazy to accept his proposal at that time). I was at the shock of my life when i first went and saw he actually stayed in a one room rental flat. My parents felt that, he could have felt inferior which was why he kept quiet about this house. His mother seems to be a very understanding and friendly lady when i first met her (that was before she started talking). The moment she talked about buying house near where they are currently staying or near the son's workplace (-_-"") kinda pissed me off, what seriously pissed me off was she is someone who shows favouritism, as she mentioned having grandSON next time. Well, i was pissed but i understand where is she coming from.
Things got worst when we were planning for wedding stuff. My family and myself wanted a simple affair (save cost at the same time), while they wanted a grand affair. I compromised but having him to promise a simple ROM (have to separate due to not a gd year to get married). He gave his promise to me for a simple ROM which i asked for, but things changed. 5 days before ROM, he told me we have to change venue as there are more people coming. From a simple ROM of 10 pax (immediate family only), it expanded to 30 pax. Reason given was his mother merely "informed but never invite" those relatives, plus he invited his friends. Though i'm the bride, the main for that day, i was the last person to know everything. No discussions, they open their mouth and I have to accept it. Where's the promise he had given to me? I highlighted to him, and he apologised and promised that there won't be next time and will discuss before making decisions.
As discussed before, in order to save costs, he agreed and promise that we will be putting up temporary at my parent's place after customary, because there's seriously no room for us to sleep in that envt. My parents offered us and he accepted. As days passed by, customary wedding is coming soon in July 2015 and more arguments arise when discussing. During these period, again things happened with him making own decisions with his mother to have this and that done their ways. The mother and son, decided to go for 4/5room whole unit rental which would cost $2400-2800 per month, excluding all other necessary expenses to maintain a home and other individual expenses. I was the last to know again. They have decided so I have to follow. He said he will only be fetching his parents to live with us, after we have settled down and have enjoyed our one year honeymoon period. Again, he did not keep to his words. Ever since ROM, we met once or twice a month, there are bound to be little arguments whenever we meet. I understand that he is working harder for future and I never blamed him for the lesser time spent with him. It is later then i realised, he can be free if he wants to. Reason: working over the weekend is not compulsory, i only found out when he said he can choose not to go work just because i mentioned i'm planning to go staycation with friends. He chose not to work but to go staycation with me.
I told him, that we are seriously down in communications and both parties have taken things for granted from the beginning. We argued but we forgot about the problems when we are happily patched. I had a few days of quietness to myself, I asked myself, is this the kind of marriage i want? Is this the kind of marriage that will keep go on with no changes? One day, i sent him a list of things I'm unhappy about him and all the differences in our character.
When i saw those in words, then i realised we actually had nothing in common at all, not even one. Annulment of marriage came into my mind, and I told him about it. He said I'm stupid to think of separating, we should learn to be forgiving and understanding. No matter what differences we have, he has never thought of separation because he loves me, and accepts me for who I am.
I had the whole house to myself when my parents and sis went holidays with other relatives. I applied leave staying home alone and started thinking of the problems we had. Problems were highlighted in the past but none was resolved, which ended up rolling like a big snowball now. His reply to me whenever i highlighted problems was "you are thinking too much, my dear." "we are doing fine, no worries". Main problem with us: Lack of communication. It is always a one-way traffic in this relationship. He doesn't call, he just sms/whatsapp. I called but he has never answered. He told me that he was afraid that we may end up quarrelling or him getting scolded if he answered the call. Despite the arguments, i still bought stuff like food, supplements, clothes etc for his parents, and he told me to mail it to him. He don't dare to meet me for the time being because he is afraid of seeing me, feared that will he get scolding from me, will we ended up quarrelling with each of us going back separately. I researched for marriage workshops, which he poured cold water over it by saying there is no need for that, we are perfectly fine. I highlighted that I do not enjoy the intimacy we had since day one. He went ahead when i said im not ready. When he only sleeps at my place for that few hours when he wants sex. 1) Dating till late night 2) have sex 3) rest for 2-3 hours 4) leave before dawn. These made me feel as though im a prostitute, not his wife. He then said he has to go because he can't leave his parents at home alone. I understood that because they are old, but it triggered my mind after our staycation trip! Why didn't he leave the hotel before dawn to go home?
Arguments started. He said if he is the wife, he would be very happy that the husband actually sacrificed his time with his parents to spend time with the wife, so i should be appreciative. That has never came across my mind all these years, because i need to weigh the importance, he is my husband, my lifetime companion, someone whom i should spend time with to keep this relationship going. It occurred and i questioned myself have i ever demanded him to spend time with me? I never expect him to stay at my place for all days without going home, i only asked for 1-2 nights. Am i asking for too much?
I felt that I have no more energy to continue in this anymore. Whatever i highlighted, whatever i said seems like my own problem and has nothing to do with him. I have never ever expect a husband to say he has to sacrifice his time with parents in order to be with the wife. He said things i said such as they never show respect for me, I have phobia to live with in-laws are hurting and not respecting him. Do i deserve this sort of treatment? Just because of his "innocent & honesty look" just like what his mother has.. they are the innocent parties, while i created this whole mess.
I am seriously lost.. Are we able to continue this marriage or should we just end it? People around me has told me to leave this person, when he doesn't even bother when he was informed that i met with an accident. Reason: i chose to go home myself, if i had taken his car, I would not have met with accident. It still boils down to my fault. Whenever i highlight problems, i always put it up front where my own mistakes are, the areas i have overlooked. He advised me to go counselling for anger/ stress management and he will get me the best psychiatrist.
Come to think about it, i am so surprised that i could endure such relationship for so long. We are no longer communicating until his fears go away. The best thing of all, i just discovered i am pregnant. I tested with 3 kits and are all positive. My marriage is a big mess, i really don't know what should i do if confirm pregnant by doctor. I love this guy, but i don't wish to continue in this marriage. My promises are meant for keeping while his are meant to be broken. A man who has broken all the promises he made... does he deserve another chance?
Im glad that i chanced upon this forum while surfing.
Newly married for 6 mths, and already thinking of divorcing + seriously wonder how did i ever land myself with such a guy!
Background:
Courtship for 3 years, 6 months into marriage.
My husband is 4 years older than me, only son with two old aged parents, own car but no roof <parents married late and was contented with living in rental flat from hdb>. He is an introvert person with good temper, loving guy and filial son.
I am elder daughter living with parents and younger sister. Bad tempered girl, 脾气 is 三分钟热度, loves hopping around exploring and learning new thing, love the sun and sea and everything outdoor and under the bright sun.
I categorised him as: secretive, disrespectful, MCP ignore other people's feeling.
Reason:
1) when we're still in relationship, he doesn't talk about his family, until I asked then he will briefly say how are his parents right now.
2) he doesn't introduce me to his parents not until when we are about to ROM
3) never tell me where he stay until i accidentally came across his ic
4) he never bother to keep me informed of his departure and arrival date when he go holidays with his parents, nor did he bother to update me
upon his safe arrival.
5) when he is looking for me, he expects me to answer/return his calls or messages, but he has never done so when i'm looking for him.
6) he went total MIA when his granddad passed away, not even a single call or message to inform. I called several times, sent smses but no replies until
1 week later. Reason being he was too busy that he doesn't even have that few mins to return call or sms.
7) his promises are meant to be broken and not kept.
8) totally ignore when i highlighted we are facing some issues
When we are in courtship, we used to meet every weekend, he will arrange to meet on weekdays evening if he has to work on weekends. I cherish all the time spent together. He would pop by my place visit my parents as and when he is free, attend my family gathering and events. My parents and relatives have good impressions of him and i was warned not to bully him, because they said he is an innocent guy but kinda quiet. They are the ones who find topics to chat with him. From the beginning before we started, he already know what kind of family i grew up in, how much i value family gatherings etc.
I tried asking more about him, he only revealed that he is an only son and parents are of very old aged. As days pass by, i thought he would openly tell me when we are more stable in the relationship. Can you imagine I don't even know where he stay until i chanced upon his ic. He never took the initiative to bring me to his house, i asked and was rejected few times. He only introduces me to his parents officially after he proposed (i think i must have gone crazy to accept his proposal at that time). I was at the shock of my life when i first went and saw he actually stayed in a one room rental flat. My parents felt that, he could have felt inferior which was why he kept quiet about this house. His mother seems to be a very understanding and friendly lady when i first met her (that was before she started talking). The moment she talked about buying house near where they are currently staying or near the son's workplace (-_-"") kinda pissed me off, what seriously pissed me off was she is someone who shows favouritism, as she mentioned having grandSON next time. Well, i was pissed but i understand where is she coming from.
Things got worst when we were planning for wedding stuff. My family and myself wanted a simple affair (save cost at the same time), while they wanted a grand affair. I compromised but having him to promise a simple ROM (have to separate due to not a gd year to get married). He gave his promise to me for a simple ROM which i asked for, but things changed. 5 days before ROM, he told me we have to change venue as there are more people coming. From a simple ROM of 10 pax (immediate family only), it expanded to 30 pax. Reason given was his mother merely "informed but never invite" those relatives, plus he invited his friends. Though i'm the bride, the main for that day, i was the last person to know everything. No discussions, they open their mouth and I have to accept it. Where's the promise he had given to me? I highlighted to him, and he apologised and promised that there won't be next time and will discuss before making decisions.
As discussed before, in order to save costs, he agreed and promise that we will be putting up temporary at my parent's place after customary, because there's seriously no room for us to sleep in that envt. My parents offered us and he accepted. As days passed by, customary wedding is coming soon in July 2015 and more arguments arise when discussing. During these period, again things happened with him making own decisions with his mother to have this and that done their ways. The mother and son, decided to go for 4/5room whole unit rental which would cost $2400-2800 per month, excluding all other necessary expenses to maintain a home and other individual expenses. I was the last to know again. They have decided so I have to follow. He said he will only be fetching his parents to live with us, after we have settled down and have enjoyed our one year honeymoon period. Again, he did not keep to his words. Ever since ROM, we met once or twice a month, there are bound to be little arguments whenever we meet. I understand that he is working harder for future and I never blamed him for the lesser time spent with him. It is later then i realised, he can be free if he wants to. Reason: working over the weekend is not compulsory, i only found out when he said he can choose not to go work just because i mentioned i'm planning to go staycation with friends. He chose not to work but to go staycation with me.
I told him, that we are seriously down in communications and both parties have taken things for granted from the beginning. We argued but we forgot about the problems when we are happily patched. I had a few days of quietness to myself, I asked myself, is this the kind of marriage i want? Is this the kind of marriage that will keep go on with no changes? One day, i sent him a list of things I'm unhappy about him and all the differences in our character.
When i saw those in words, then i realised we actually had nothing in common at all, not even one. Annulment of marriage came into my mind, and I told him about it. He said I'm stupid to think of separating, we should learn to be forgiving and understanding. No matter what differences we have, he has never thought of separation because he loves me, and accepts me for who I am.
I had the whole house to myself when my parents and sis went holidays with other relatives. I applied leave staying home alone and started thinking of the problems we had. Problems were highlighted in the past but none was resolved, which ended up rolling like a big snowball now. His reply to me whenever i highlighted problems was "you are thinking too much, my dear." "we are doing fine, no worries". Main problem with us: Lack of communication. It is always a one-way traffic in this relationship. He doesn't call, he just sms/whatsapp. I called but he has never answered. He told me that he was afraid that we may end up quarrelling or him getting scolded if he answered the call. Despite the arguments, i still bought stuff like food, supplements, clothes etc for his parents, and he told me to mail it to him. He don't dare to meet me for the time being because he is afraid of seeing me, feared that will he get scolding from me, will we ended up quarrelling with each of us going back separately. I researched for marriage workshops, which he poured cold water over it by saying there is no need for that, we are perfectly fine. I highlighted that I do not enjoy the intimacy we had since day one. He went ahead when i said im not ready. When he only sleeps at my place for that few hours when he wants sex. 1) Dating till late night 2) have sex 3) rest for 2-3 hours 4) leave before dawn. These made me feel as though im a prostitute, not his wife. He then said he has to go because he can't leave his parents at home alone. I understood that because they are old, but it triggered my mind after our staycation trip! Why didn't he leave the hotel before dawn to go home?
Arguments started. He said if he is the wife, he would be very happy that the husband actually sacrificed his time with his parents to spend time with the wife, so i should be appreciative. That has never came across my mind all these years, because i need to weigh the importance, he is my husband, my lifetime companion, someone whom i should spend time with to keep this relationship going. It occurred and i questioned myself have i ever demanded him to spend time with me? I never expect him to stay at my place for all days without going home, i only asked for 1-2 nights. Am i asking for too much?
I felt that I have no more energy to continue in this anymore. Whatever i highlighted, whatever i said seems like my own problem and has nothing to do with him. I have never ever expect a husband to say he has to sacrifice his time with parents in order to be with the wife. He said things i said such as they never show respect for me, I have phobia to live with in-laws are hurting and not respecting him. Do i deserve this sort of treatment? Just because of his "innocent & honesty look" just like what his mother has.. they are the innocent parties, while i created this whole mess.
I am seriously lost.. Are we able to continue this marriage or should we just end it? People around me has told me to leave this person, when he doesn't even bother when he was informed that i met with an accident. Reason: i chose to go home myself, if i had taken his car, I would not have met with accident. It still boils down to my fault. Whenever i highlight problems, i always put it up front where my own mistakes are, the areas i have overlooked. He advised me to go counselling for anger/ stress management and he will get me the best psychiatrist.
Come to think about it, i am so surprised that i could endure such relationship for so long. We are no longer communicating until his fears go away. The best thing of all, i just discovered i am pregnant. I tested with 3 kits and are all positive. My marriage is a big mess, i really don't know what should i do if confirm pregnant by doctor. I love this guy, but i don't wish to continue in this marriage. My promises are meant for keeping while his are meant to be broken. A man who has broken all the promises he made... does he deserve another chance?
I hope your parents will be supportive of you being a single mom! I nearly ended up one so I know your determination. Jiayous mummy!