Marriage Problem

[sherz4628]

Has anyone not told your husband that you take leave just so you can go off to have some me time to yourself?

My husband recently found out (or rather i confessed) that I took leave without telling him. The problem is, he does not believe that I will go to such lengths to hide this fact if I just innocently want some me time. He thinks that I am hiding something even bigger, like an affair. His reasoning is he himself will not go to such lengths to hide, in fact, he do not see the need to hide. At the same time, he cannot understand how I can even complain to him about not having time for myself, always going from work to home to the kids, when in fact I know I have doing things like taking leave and not telling him. To him, this is challenging him, testing him, to see if I can get away with this hiding.

I know I am wrong in hiding things from him in the first place. My reasoning/rationale at that time was, he will not understand and will defnitely expect me to take care the kids or run some errands for him, if I tell him I am on leave. Foolish, I know and realise now. I want to salvage our marriage. But he no longer trust me and keeps telling me he will never know for sure what I did on those days I am on leave and he definitely thinks things are not so simple. He also feels I do not respect him and this has impacted him so much that he even feel embarrassed in front of my friends (who do not know about this). He is embarrassed we are even in this situation. That our marriage has become like this.

What can I do?

 

[lynnliew]

I think you need to communicate more with your husband. Lack of good communication will result in alot of issues. Aldou this seems like a small issue, can see many underlying existing problems already. Theres alot to compromise in a marriage. Apologise to him & ask him how you guys can compromise & work out your differences. Tell him what you will do next time instead. Yes ...the fact that you intensionally hide from him is wrong but he should also learn to forgive & accept that ppl do make mistakes. Affair? I think he drag too far liao rite? He should know what type of person you are by now rite? What has this issue gt to do with affair blah blah etc..Ok back to the point, why do you think you have to hide from him? This issue is only a systom of the real problem. If your hubby trust you from the start & if this marriage has good foundation, i think this can be a very minor incident. Seems like he doesnt really trust you hence the affair accusation etc. Only you know what is the real problem...

 

[sherz4628]

I think you need to communicate more with your husband. Lack of good communication will result in alot of issues. Aldou this seems like a small issue, can see many underlying existing problems already. Theres alot to compromise in a marriage. Apologise to him & ask him how you guys can compromise & work out your differences. Tell him what you will do next time instead. Yes ...the fact that you intensionally hide from him is wrong but he should also learn to forgive & accept that ppl do make mistakes. Affair? I think he drag too far rite? He should know what type of person you are by now rite? What has this issue gt to do with affair blah blah etc..Ok back to the point, why do you think you have to hide from him? This issue is only a systom of the real problem. If your hubby trust you from the start & if this marriage has good foundation, i think this can be a very minor incident. Seems like he doesnt really trust you hence the affair accusation etc. Only you know what is the real problem...

He said from his understanding of me, I am not the kind of person who will spend the whole day shopping and eating alone. He said from the lies and hiding, he no longer knows who I am and all his previous understanding of me now seems to be all false. So he will not be surprised if I have changed and am now capable of having an affair.

I guess you are right, there are many underlying existing problems. We come from different family/educational background. Although I can be sure that we will be married anyway eventually, the fact is getting pregnant is the push to us getting down to getting married. After marriage and having kids, there are some resentment felt by me and I voiced them out without thinking I am actually hurting him and undermining his abilities as a husband and father. I now realise I could have been more appreciative, less lamenting, more honest.

Thinking back, the reason why I hide this from him is because I don't think he will understand my need for me time. And also because deep down i feel guilty towards my husband and kids that I even need the me time. I mean, I am supposed to be a mum and a wife right? I am supposed to give all my time to my family without any complaints right? But yes, I crave some alone time. Just time to focus on myself. Do the things I want to do. So instead of asking, I went the easy way out and hide. I tried to explain this to him, he still do not understand. Because he do not see the need to hide at all. He feels that if I had asked, he would have given the permission. Instead, I hide, and so now have to ask for forgiveness which is so much harder to get. I brought it all on myself.

It hurts that he could even think that I am capable of having an affair. We fought a lot over these past couple of months and was even at the point of considering divorce. Eventually, coz of the kids and hopefully because there is still love, we decide to stay together. I tried to make amends, be a better wife. Some days were ok, other days, he will remember the anger, hurt and humiliation and things will go downhill again. On my end, I will be elated and helpful on good days. On bad days, I will wonder if everything is too late and if my marriage can even be salvaged. And sometimes, the better I treat him, the more he wonder if I am treating him well because I am guilty of having an affair.

I'm really lost..

 

[ryanchew]

I think this is not a big issue. Yes, maybe you should not lie to him when you wanted some 'me' time but I do not see any problem with it.
Time will solve this issue...as long as you just tell him truthfully in future.
It's always good to have 'me' time. Me and wife are parents of 4 and we always try to have 'me' time occasionally.
Apart from that, you will need to have some 'couple' time as well. That will bring the marriage closer.

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

It's never wrong to have 'me time'! And you need to make your hubby understand this part. I can see where you are coming from, as in the urge to be away from the kids, may it be the screamings, the complaints etc. But at the same time, you felt horrible to be harbouring such thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to just be alone, without the kids, without the hub. But seriously, there is nothing wrong. Only thing you may have done wrong is to hide from your hubby. Some pple tends to be more insecure, so maybe your hubby belongs to such group. Find a good time, when both of you are relax, and have a heart to heart talk with him. Try not to focus too much on yourself by using too much of " I think/I need/I want". Do remember that when you need 'me time', your hubby will need too. This is a basic human need. I am sure your hubby will slowly get the idea, and hopefully, both of you can work something out. Like maybe each of you can take 2 days off each mth just to do whatever you want while the other party look after the kids. Good luck!

 

[Pocoyo80]

I fully agree with fisherman's friend that it is alright to have 'me' time. I also felt that you should not keep it from your hubby. Since there is nothing to hide, you can also ask him to accompany you during your "me" time so that he knows where u go and what u are doing. I think the moat impt issue tp build on is the trust. It will be gopd to give him the assurance that u will not cheat behind his back such as keeping whatever promises u made and also letting him know where are you and what you are doing.

 

[hymangaines]

I think, there is lack of communication between you, You should not hide any talk from your husbands in future. You must explain your consideration to your husband properly and make a promise that I am not tell a lie in life...