New partner

[vendi]

Hi mummies,

I am a single mum with a daughter who is 5 years old. Recently I start dating again and I intro my bf to my girl. But somehow she dislike when my bf hold my bf or when my bf say he want to give me a hug. But she can get along with my bf quite well. Another thing is all along before I divorce my girl is not close to her dad at all. The dad was busy working hardly see her or even bring her out once.

Now how should I let my girl totally accept my new rs and my bf? Please advice me thank you. :embarrassed:

 

[Ting]

hi vendi~
im in the same position as u!
its normal for kids to be like that.
pin is 2.5 years old.
she adores my bf, loves playing with him, n even tells me she loves n miss him (he's in aussie studying now).
but when she sees him holding my hands, hugging me or whatsoever, she gets jealous.
esp since u hv been her main caregiver, so she is possessive over u, thus gets insecure when she sees u n your bf being closed.
pin even does that to my parents. my dad cannot hold my mum hands or hug her if not pin will get very jealous n angry.

for me, what me n my bf do, we ask her "permission".
in the beginning,like if he wants to hold my hands, he will ask her is it ok if he holds my hands? n if she say NO, he wont.. but after a few times, she will tell him OK, n let him hold my hand for awhile.
it takes time actually, cnt be rushed.
bcos, we do not want them to think we r abandoning them for someone else.
even now, my dad n mum also ask her if they can hold hands, but they do that to tease her actually.
now, pin can accept it easier, sometimes she will ask my bf to hold my hands or even give me a kiss.


hv some patience, n allow your bf to spend more time with your girl, maybe some 1-1 time. as in, sometimes when im watching tv/using the com, my bf will play with pin, like colouring/watching her fav dvds with her.
give them some bonding time.
she can totally accept him now, but im sure she would...


btw, dun mind me asking, are u in a serious relationship with your current bf?
as in plans to marry n all?
if not, i would advice not to let your girl get too emotionally attached.
so far, for my other bfs or guys i date, i dun let them get too close to pin, just let them see her once in a while.
only my current bf gets to interact with her n all cos we hv plans to marry in the near future.


HTHs.

 

[vendi]

hi vendi~
im in the same position as you!
its normal for kids to be like that.
pin is 2.5 years old.
she adores my bf, loves playing with him, n even tells me she loves n miss him (he's in aussie studying now).
but when she sees him holding my hands, hugging me or whatsoever, she gets jealous.
esp since you have been her main caregiver, so she is possessive over you, thus gets insecure when she sees you n your bf being closed.
pin even does that to my parents. my dad cannot hold my mum hands or hug her if not pin will get very jealous n angry.

for me, what me n my bf do, we ask her "permission".
in the beginning,like if he wants to hold my hands, he will ask her is it ok if he holds my hands? n if she say NO, he wont.. but after a few times, she will tell him OK, n let him hold my hand for awhile.
it takes time actually, cnt be rushed.
bcos, we do not want them to think we are abandoning them for someone else.
even now, my dad n mum also ask her if they can hold hands, but they do that to tease her actually.
now, pin can accept it easier, sometimes she will ask my bf to hold my hands or even give me a kiss.


have some patience, n allow your bf to spend more time with your girl, maybe some 1-1 time. as in, sometimes when im watching tv/using the com, my bf will play with pin, like colouring/watching her fav dvds with her.
give them some bonding time.
she can totally accept him now, but im sure she would...


btw, dont mind me asking, are you in a serious relationship with your current bf?
as in plans to marry n all?
if not, i would advice not to let your girl get too emotionally attached.
so far, for my other bfs or guys i date, i dont let them get too close to pin, just let them see her once in a while.
only my current bf gets to interact with her n all cos we have plans to marry in the near future.


HTHs.

Hi Ting,

Thank you for your advice. Ya I read from a book it also say that if you are not very stable with the bf you are dating with don't let them get too close to your kids. I am sure about my current bf for the last one which I date I never let him see my girl before.

We had plan to get marry in future which is after his course. Right now I wish my girl could slowly accept my bf totally. Maybe I will try your suggestion, seek for her permission instead of making her angry at all time.

My bf do spend time with her like watching the cartoon together. At times he help me fetch her from her childcare centre. But sometimes my bf try to reason out and alittle strict with her she will treat it as my bf is playing with her and she don't take it seriously at all. Will this affect if we get marry and stay togther?

 

[Ting]

hi vendi, well, i haven marry so i cant really advice u on that too.
my bf also "scolds" her when she is naughty, but she will throw her tantrums at him, in fact, she does that to me too.
but mostly, if he reason with her, she will listen..
sometimes, he will show her angry face n she gets scared too! haha.

actually, one factor u need to consider is, do u give your bf the authority to punish/discipline her when she is naughty n not behaving well?
for me, if pin throws a tantrum, im ok with him disciplining her. but he doesnt smack her hand or anything, (he dun even allow me to). so im ok with it.
in fact, he is the more giving one, while im the fiercer one, haha. so pin always runs to him first. he is more patient with her than me at times.
right now, my bf knows he isnt really in the position to discipline her, but he does share his views on what to do.


hv u ever asked your daughter if she likes your bf alot? n to be her daddy??
pin is stil very young, so she doesnt really know whats a daddy yet. she still calls my bf korkor.
but i did ask her if she wants my bf be her daddy n she says ok.
as pin is still young, i think it is easier for me to let her accept my bf as her future as bcos she nvr known of having a dad b4. (i left my ex when she was a few mths old, so she hv zero memory of him).


take things slow, as long as he truly loves n cares for her, she will accept him with her heart...

 

[masayuki]

I agree with Ting....

For me, having worked with children before, I have observed that children are actually able to discern the good from the bad....

In a way, a child knows if you're truly love him/her or that your actions have a motive behind them.... Of course I'm not talking about the times that people actually bribe children with toys.... They are able to feel and tell the difference between true concern and love vs faked concern....

 

[Ting]

haha, think my bf too good to her she already stepping all over his head. :tlaugh:

 

[masayuki]

haha, think my bf too good to her she already stepping all over his head. :tlaugh:

Wah, like that when you get married, you get the role of discipline mistress liao.... :realmad:

 

[Ting]

my role alr discipline mistress~
n he is the sch "nurse" to heal all wounds.
when i start my fire, pin will run to him for cover.... -.-"

 

[masayuki]

my role already discipline mistress~
n he is the sch "nurse" to heal all wounds.
when i start my fire, pin will run to him for cover.... -.-"

Wah hahaha....
Same for my neighbour's kid....
When he do bad things, he will go to find the grandparents, auntie & boyfriend, or myself....

On the bright side, at least I know that for my neighbour's kid, if he has anything he's facing that he cannot tell his parents, he'll look for me before making any decisions....

 

[Ting]

yeah i think some kids need more than one mentor.

 

[vendi]

Thank you :001_302:

My gal won't run to him for cover yet guess she is not that close to him yet. But she is only 5 years old she is showing her rebellious already sometimes I feel I m out of control. But when ever I scold her my bf will always side her which I find it unhealthy. Maybe some guys are like my bf anything also 'chin cai' :tlaugh:

 

[Ting]

same!!
my bf also like that.
when she gets naughty, n i raised my voice, he will tell me nvm, dun scold her.
then im like..... -.-"
pin is only 2 plus n i feel she is abit out of control at times..
she just does whatever she wants to.......

 

[masayuki]

I think it depends on the cue of the mother....

Eg: If I'm dating and consider marrying a single mum, I would be nice to her child. As a guy, I want the child to like me....

The mother must decide if disciple should only be dispensed by the mother....
For my neighbour's kid, I'm very close to him, when he's really doing something wrong or going to do something, I'll say "Xavier, NO" in a firm tone and he will respond by stopping it and look at me to listen for my explanation....

He's 3+ by the way and a little terror, he has broken lots of glass panels in his grandparents' house, but he listens to me because I explain things to him in a gentle tone....

 

[Ting]

yup, now my bf wont really interfere when im disciplining pin, unless im gg to whack alr then he will tell me not to.
he uses the gentle approach while i use the "scarier" one.
lol~

 

[thepinkdot]

if you're very serious about your r/s.. you should establish who gets to discipline your child. usually you should ask that your bf do not interfere when you try to do it.. or ask him to let you do it when she misbehaves.. it might create resentment when he does it..

 

[vendi]

Ting I try over the weekend when we go out with my bf I ask my gal permission to hold my bf hand she insist NO!!! I even try 5min she say NONONO!!! :nah: I also try to tell her u can hold korkor hand so mummy also hold a while she still say NO!!! Guess this can't work

 

[Ting]

it takes patience.
im with my bf for abt 1/2 a year alr, n pin still says NO mostly.
how abt letting her be in the middle n both of u hold her hands? so she wont feel left out??
pin also dun let my parents hold hands mostly. she very sensitive, will get jealous.
perhaps, all these while, she is the only one in your life, then now, a kor kor appeared, so she might get protective.

 

[vendi]

it takes patience.
im with my bf for about 1/2 a year already, n pin still says NO mostly.
how about letting her be in the middle n both of you hold her hands? so she wont feel left out??
pin also dont let my parents hold hands mostly. she very sensitive, will get jealous.
perhaps, all these while, she is the only one in your life, then now, a kor kor appeared, so she might get protective.

I will try again thanks Ting :001_302: