prejudice will only jeopardize relationship

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belwishupon

Member
Hee kibin, I hv my own place.. Lolx
But only go bk on weekend. Anyway these few days she giving me troubles like nv before. Say I close door loud , my boy not discipline enuff. Always say how gd her grandchildren is except my boy. Crazy.
 
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ali50n

Member
belwishupon said:
Hee kibin, I hv my own place.. Lolx
But only go bk on weekend. Anyway these few days she giving me troubles like nv before. Say I close door loud , my boy not discipline enuff. Always say how gd her grandchildren is except my boy. Crazy.
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Ur son now is take care by her or by you?
 
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belwishupon

Member
My son go to childcare. I tk cre myself. I stay here place since married n thr isn't any place or slot in childcare at punggol. All very very full that's y we go bk thr on weekdays. End of 2012 thr is new CC , alrdy register so still hv to wait!
It's tiring as fri we go bk own hse, Sunday nite shift bk to mil place. It's a hassle but I loves gg bk our own place, really very freedom and no bias, no nagging..
 
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paulinepoh80

Member
I also just move in w in law 1yr ago as waiting our new hse to come in 2014 end (I hope). We gave her $600 mthly as allowance, solely allowance n no taking care my son. We are family of 3 n I just gave birth to another baby. Few mths ago she ald hint me that we gv too little by saying " u know, ur husband elder bro n his gf gv $800 a mth", I replied " oh that sounds ok because they don hv children should be affordable for them". $800 a mth include buy breakfast for them only everyday. How can she compare like that? Recently she complain a lot to my confinement lady. Eg we are very stingy gv her very little money while so many ppl stay here, say I lazy always leave all the work to my husband etc. we are saving up for my new hse, I take care children after work n my hubby do some clothing washing, we have no issue between us why she bother? To me she is blood sucker always wan more money without thinking we can afford or not. My hubby work on shift, will try to ot if he can, my mil will say why he always go to work? My hubby say don work where got money, she say u don hv who hv? If she heartpain n think I bully her son why she still ask him wash toilet? She also say my hubby unfillial, and always listen to me, since she don like us she start to malign us many things. My husband also very sad why his mum like that. Whenever I cook I always cook my fil share if mil not at home. Now she tell my cl I only cook for my fil when she is ard. Fuck them. Those who eat n deny mouth will rot!!! They also hardly look at my baby. Not even a token of angpau as a blessing since baby born. She agreed to take care baby after I start work but she back out now, also gave me headache because send to infantcare will fall sick frequently. Send to nanny also not sure she will take good care or not. Life is like hell to me now. How to hang on for 2 yrs?
 
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paulinepoh80

Member
This issue is not only me n mil, my
Mil also bias. He never call n ask my hubby wan to come back for dinner or not, only call elder son. Even warm their food n serve them. I really pity my hubby why his own mum treat him like that just because he gv $200 lesser. My mum treat my hubby very nice like her own son until my hubby also felt it n appreciate it(she even ask me don bully my hubby). Now I pity my mil because she is losing a son.
 
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belwishupon

Member
Hi Pauline,
It's common right. I think we almost same issue. Yr mil also pattern hint hint say others ppl nicer right. Crazy , both oso her son.. Anyway u let her tk cre baby got pro n cons too. Look on the brighter side. My mil look after her both daughter children except mine lor. Same very bias. Recently I don't know why but quite happy cause we are not in talking term.. Haha since I talk back once and it's truly she Lao kui cause I say her double standard thn since thn nv talk much! Beta, no conflicts. We gg holiday soon, in laws suddenly say wanna tag along, I'm really neutral now and in my heart I hope our relationship will get beta instead of worst. At least I still filial I guess cause I sense hubby seems happy abt it. Hmmm, hopefully all mil don't give us troubles, don't bias too much.. It's very hard to stay together like that. Yr hubby know his mum pattern too just that however bad it's still their mum. I understand how u feel but always be the humble one won't kill, the most ownself annoying and angry lor..
 
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paulinepoh80

Member
Hi belwishupon,
True. Instead of having one more daughter they are losing a son. I really envy n take my hat off to U, "talking back" is something I always imagine I wan to do but never do it. End up stuff everything inside so suffering. Actually not really talk back but actually voice out how we feel. I also seldom initiate to talk to them because their face is almost black to us all the time. What for put our hot face on their cold buttock le? Lucky my husband side me and can't stand his mum nonsense most of the time. As for baby, worst case I find nanny or send to my fren mum at upp thomson, though quite tough for me from woodlands but no choice.
 
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Eliza

Member
Those who are still staying with in-laws, there is a lifeline. This is the arrangement of my hubby's cousin who got married and have an year old baby now (they are also waiting for their flat). His wife and dear daughter still stays with her own parents wherelse he continue to stay with his mother. This is to prevent any conflict from rising and I think this is a smart move. He will go over to her parents place on alternate days for dinner and play with his dear daughter and she will bring the baby back to his place on weekends (two days).

As for belwishupon, I think you should continue to snap back or 'correct' at what you mother in law says until she softens. I was rather submissive at first too but when my son had his H1N1 and my mother in law even try to prevent me from going to the hospital, that's when I snapped. She did mean things to me before and during our wedding and during my pregnancy and confinement. I was staying with them and had c-section and broke my stitches because she told my nanny not to let me 'dirty' her bathroom floor with the herbal shower water. I had to climb into the high bathtub to shower directly after I discharge from the hospital. I have tolerate all but I am not going to tolerate anyone who is trying to harm my son. My hubby is definitely on my side which is very important.

Nowadays, I will even remind him to visit his parents but when they start nonsense like telling my son: tell daddy to buy for you, daddy is rich. I will immediately correct my son in front of them: daddy will only buy for you during birthday and christmas or something that you really want. So nowadays when they say, ask daddy to buy things again, my son will tell them: nope. I dont't want. =) So basically somehow my son already in-tuned to whatever they say ask daddy or mummy, he will automatically say no to them and he is only three years old!! I think he can sense certain things with his own little mind. =)

So if your mother in law tell your son that, the room does not belong to him, just tell him in front of them: yes, the room does not belong to you. we will go back to your room on weekends alright. the room also do not belong to didi or meimei (your sister In law baby). we are only here for a short while until your childcare centre is ready. he may not understand what you say but this is also in directly telling you MIL that if she continues, she may not even get to see her grandson in year 2013 when childcare starts!!

After that, just bring your son and walk away. I tell you, she will be dumbfounded at first and if she tries to yell at you, ask her did you say anything wrong. She will be very red-faced. But in future, she may soften.
If she is sacarstic, always deal with her with the truth. Use the right way to teach your son from the wrong way she accused or scold your son. Remember, your son has their sir name, by the time he reached seven years old, they will probably 'crawl' back to you.
 
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belwishupon

Member
Hey Eliza,

That's very nice of you.. Yes yes, I will use yr tactic. I did that after 4 yrs plus of tolerating last month about the toy when I finally snap. Since thn she didn't talk much to me cos I think she herself know that she too much but still think I shouldn't hv say her.
The room thingy I'm very pissed til now. Yah very right, i'll tell my son that if it happen again. Right now I m quite happy with the no talking system.. No conflicts. I don't even wanna seat n eat home. I thinks it's gd. Ideally hope my son cc ready by Nov.. Yeah. Hope no more delay if not I will SCREAM.. I rather wash n mop n house chores all myself rather than staying here n see faces. Aiyoh.. I hv very high tolerance which I also tk my hat off myself, my sis n frds all say I crazy.. But I do complaints if not I think I go nuts..
Thanks for that. I appreciate so much. I think it's gg to help me alot if it's happen again.
 
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janalee

New Member
wow. having read this thread, i now know i'm not alone. Can't stand my mother in law, just need to bear with it for the sake of the kids.
 
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autumnfall

Member
Haiz I have a money-minded, overly sensitive and v realistic mother-in-law. Actually I can't stand her but in front of her I act and smile like I'm cool and fine with her...

Since before we got married, hubby gives her $800 allowance every month for nothing. She doesn't cook or pays for anything. When we were planning to get married, hubby reduced to $600 and she doesn't pay for anything in our wedding. Hubby just casually ask if she prepared money for his wedding and she said no cuz she Thot hubby wasn't going to get married. Ok nvm... Wedding dinner my father in law drinks so much alcohol and my dad pays for it. No shame, and becuz she doesn't want to spend much on my si dian Jing, she went to pawn gold she doesn't want anymore to buy a si dian Jing for me. Mind u she's rich k, got big fat bank account.

Nvm she nvr help with wedding, Reno and everything. And she and her beloved daughter still got the cheek to ask hubby if my parents are intending to pocket any angbao from our wedding dinner. So irritating! After we got married she scared she got no allowance immediately ask hubby to pay her $500 every mth. She thinks we v rich, we got housing loan and Reno loan! I only give my mum $200 and my mum cooks for us all the time. His mum only asks him for money to buy this n that.

I cannot stand my hubby giving his mum so much money, really taxing on us... But I don't know how to raise the topic. I ask hubby how much his sister (who earns much more) gives, hubby says don't know he doesn't want to ask. I v angry u knw, now I jus refused to go to their gatherings.

I drive, hubby doesn't and during gathering, I have to send our parents in laws home even though his own sister Oso drives and it's actually more convenient on her side. Now I'm pregnant I'm more tired and I can't drive for too long. I didn't tell my parents in law and I didn't allow my hubby to say. I just avoid these gatherings do I don't have to face that woman!

Maybe it's the pregnancy, I really find her a pain in the ass. Everytime I think of how much she gets from hubby I get v angry. She herself work and she doesn't need much money, and she has the cheek to ask for it from my hubby straight after wedding... Like scared we don't give her money lidat...

Actually I v v pissed off with her, and hope one day I don't have to deal with her but I don't know how to let my hubby know my unhappiness... Do u think I shld let him know, or keep it to myself?
 
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Alisa

Active Member
but u cannot stop yr husband from giving his mom his money. as long as he still got spare to save, i think its ok.
 
KiBin

KiBin

Member
autumnfall said:
Ya agree... That's why I nvr say anything, but deep down inside im
very unhappy.
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i think you need to find a good chance to talk to your hubby... do watch your tone when you talk to him so that it does not sound like you are accusing your MIL...

i think your hubby should be able to get his sister to help out now that you are pregnant.. :)
 
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autumnfall

Member
I know but I don't want to sound like I'm a calculative n insensitive daughter in law. Actually, his mother really doesn't need that much money and her daughter can jolly well give more becuz she's so much richer. My mother in law just questioned my hubby abt our pay increment but the thing is... We have no increment! Her daughter jus had one! So she sounded Abit disappointed becuz she wanted more out of us.

But $500 every mth is Aldy v v v xiong for us. I think his mother doesn't register the idea that we are Aldy married and have our own liabilities. His mother says my hubby gets thinner every time she sees him (he's not) and asks if he's not eating well, and that I should learn how to cook. Hello! We go to my parents place to eat every other day cuz my mum cooks for us! His mother doesn't even cook! And the last time She cooked flower crabs she was so upset she had to spend money to buy these ingredients!

I want to talk to my hubby but it's a very difficult topic to begin with... Maybe I will jus tolerate and pay for my stuffs on my part :(
 
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Alisa

Active Member
hmm... maybe like pretend that you are planning of setting aside $$ for the future, sit down with him and discuss on whether who pay this and who pay that, which area can spent more and which area can save. To let him know that you both are having liabilities that need $$ to pay, let him think for himself whether he can continue to feed his mom with the forever increasing greed. For us, we have a joint account, anything regarding housing, kids' we will pay from joint and we will put in equal amount into joint everymth without fail. If he cannot put, i will not put too. my husband will tell his mom about increment but he will sometimes hide bonus. hee...
 
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belwishupon

Member
I think it's very sensitive issue abt $$. You have to handle well if not yr hubby might think u are stingy to his mum. Guys can be sensitive too esp to their own mum.
 
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autumnfall

Member
Yes yes agree! That's why i do not dare to discuss with hubby yet cuz I know its gonna hurt him that I think so negatively of his beloved mother. Right now I didn't even allow my hubby to tell his parents that Im pregnant. I intend to let them knw these few weeks and then discuss this $$$ issue after that. Hope I m brave enough by then :)
 
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