Problem with SIL or me?

[momi]

Hi all. Please bear my rant and show me some light at the end of my tunnel.

My brother is getting married in April next year. I have met my future SIL a few times as I work overseas. I have no problems with her all these while (I m a usually tolerant person) and after all she's my brother's choice so I always respected her as if she was an older sister. A bit about her: she's from quite a poor background and highest education is finishing high school. My family is considered well to do and we're all educated abroad. Honestly I have nothing against her because I do not judge people based on their education or family background. But lately, her acts really get on my nerves I don't know if she is doing it consciously or it may just be her natural views.

The first incident happened few months ago. She asked my mum about my future plans and upon hearing that I have currently no plans to give up my overseas job and pay, etc. to return home, she told my mum that she really can't stand people who choose to stay abroad leaving their family behind at home. She says that it's unfilial, insensitive, and very ungrateful of the children to do so. On the other hand, she says she's very family-orientated and will never dream of doing so. My mum as usual, like all aunties, hear such things and confronted me and gave me a piece of her mind I got accused of being all that my future SIL says and was even told to emulate SIL's 'family' way of thinking. Anyway for you all information, I care a lot about my family.More than half of what I earn each month is sent home for my parents' use. Yes, I do know giving money isn't an indication of filial but I truly care a lot about my family's welfare. I always give them a call a few times a week, listen to any problems they have, pay for their tickets to visit me here yearly. The distance is bad no doubt but I do try the best I can because I truly care for them. I am thinking of giving up everything here to go home and work but honestly, my line of job can't get me very far back home.

Another incident happened few months ago. My parents actually overheard her complaining something bad about my parents to my brother. They confronted her but she denied everything. My parents were very angry and did not want to have anything to do with her. But I advised my parents to give her a chance since my brother is marrying her and we don't want a family that's so angry with each other right? In the end, my parents forgave her and everything back to normal.

Latest incident, she brainwashed my parents that I have a weird thinking. I was just sharing with my mum that when I return home to work soon I want to buy an apartment either to invest or live in. My parents told everyone about this (although I told them don't tell anyone). As soon as SIL heard about it, she said I'm very strange, so unfamily-like to want to stay away and alone. Kept saying I am a very strange person. My mum as usual, confronted me about this and said I am very ungrateful child, should be more like SIL :embarrassed: I don't know what is wrong with me to deserve all these words. They really hurt me a lot. I work hard for my money, want to buy an apartment, is that so wrong?? I don't think I am unhomely-like at all honestly. Although I grew up with 2 maids, everyday now I make my own bed, do my own laundry, cook good meals, keep my house neat and clean, look after myself, financially secure and independent. My SIL on the other hand doesn't know how to cook, never does laundry, is very financially tight. Yet she always preaches about having to be a homely person. Much as I want to speak my mind to her, I feel it will just sour the relationship between me, brother and her. I am very sick of being confronted by my parents like that, don't know why they can't judge for themselves??

Please tell me dear mummies, am I being too much? Am I in the wrong? :embarrassed::embarrassed: I am truly losing my patience

 

[apollo]

This is nth to do with her family background, is her personality. Some ppl are like that, i think she is afriad that ur mum will dote u more. But, which parents dont dote their own daughter more? Just let her sabo, the more she wants to sabo you, the easier she will show her bad personality to ur family.

I dont see any pro buying a property to invest or even stay in it. Is ur sil going to shift into ur parents' place aft married? if so, i think she will spout more nonsense. Tell ur parents to trust u, dont listen to an outsider and come and confront u. They have been trusting u for so many yrs, dont spoil the r/s just becos of ur sil.

Since she is such person, like to badmouth ppl, I'm sure she will do it again and again, cos I encounter such frens b4, true, at 1st ppl will believe them but aft sometime ppl will slowly think back "how come she can badmouth on EVERYONE?" I'm sure ur parents will 'wake up' one day. You dont badmouth her though she badmouth u, let her be and i'm sure one day she will either stop it (cos no one entertains her) or continue to badmouth ppl until everyone loathes her. =)

 

[momi]

Thanks apollo for replying

Ya she is going to move into our house after marriage. I understand it has nothing to do with her family background or anything like that, just that makes me wonder why she has to be so judgemental like that? She likes to put her opinion forward behind my back to my family. I also very very sad why my mum has to side her, instead of me who they have known all their lives. Very stressed nowadays when my mum calls cause sure will be confronted by her about something SIL has said. My mum is those very traditional type so she likes to 'remind' me nowadays SIL is higher rank than me cause she's older brother's wife. I really very fed up with all this rank thing, if the person shows equal respect, I will surely give all my respect but how to put a smiling face to someone who bad mouths me like that behind me. Maybe I'm just being sensitive

But until now I feel what's wrong with me having the idea to buy a property? I am not asking anyone to pay for me also. She told my mum at the end don't buy for me. My mum didn't correct her, I think cause my mum wants to look like she is the one subsidising it. I also don't know what's wrong with them. I only told my mum I INTEND TO BUY MYSELF! Anyway I have decided I am not gonna share anything with them anymore! Sad that I can't even talk these things with my family but I really hate all this out of nothing.

 

[aadenalexis2008]

Sometimes, some plp just got nothing better to do and to bother about the affairs of others. The saddest thing is when these plp are related to us... For me, im not even staying with my in laws, oredi have probs with a super low EQ SIL, i can't imagine if i were to stay under the same roof with them. And one thing for sure, blood will forever be thicker than water, MIL will forever side with SIL even when words or remarks spout out by SIL are so insensitive. Just becos she is the eldest in the family, she has to poke her nose into our family matters from the number of times we shld go over to visit to our idea of wanting to change the car. I mean seriously, what concern isit of hers if we really do wana change our car, moreover, the car we are driving now is my car and not my hubby's tho we are sharing it. She even decided and made it clear way before I tied the knot that her kids will be cared by MIL and my kids by my mummy, I mean im fine by it cos at the start i nvr had the intention to let MIL look after, if i have to quit my job and be a FTM, i will by all means do so. But just din't like the way she loves to push her weight ard and keeps bragging about she being the rare one who will be willing to stay with her MIL. The fact is that she is shuttling between her mum's pl and MIL's place throughout the week. Also, it seems she conveniently throws her kids with either parents to go on holiday with her hubby.

I tolerated her for years but theres also a limit to one's patience, I have since gave her a piece of my mind and we are not on talking terms, naturally, its the same with MIL since she most likely is brainwashed by SIL. But seriously I really dun wana care so much, im oso human, if u wan me to respect them, it shld well be reciprocal.

 

[momi]

aadenalexis2008,

Sorry to hear you too have problems with your SIL. We are the reverse, your MIL sides your SIL cause she's her daughter. My mum on the other hand rather sides SIL and comes and confront her own daughter. Maybe I am truly a failed daughter for her to do so

 

[aadenalexis2008]

aadenalexis2008,

Sorry to hear you too have problems with your SIL. We are the reverse, your MIL sides your SIL cause she's her daughter. My mum on the other hand rather sides SIL and comes and confront her own daughter. Maybe I am truly a failed daughter for her to do so

dun condemn urself tis way. u noe hw much u hve done for the fam thats good enuff. we can't stop some plp frm badmouthing or interfering into our lives becos like wat apollo says, its their personality, a leopard can't chg its spots...theres only 2 ways, either we make our stand clear or just stay quiet n bear with it. knowing myself, theres only how much my threshold can take...

 

[momi]

I am also losing my patience. I don't like to have to be so direct but I can't take it anymore. Everything also she has to comment, who asked for her opinions anyway? I work abroad also she has to state her disagreement, I am thinking of buying property also she has to say I weird thinking, when I brought my guy friend home to pass him a document also she has to tell my family she doesn't understand why those people who have worked overseas like to have non-Chinese partners. If it's just her general opinion, I can maybe still tolerate but she says it in a way that makes her sound like she's the perfect, traditional kinda wife that older Chinese people adore.

I just have to 'ren' 'ren 'ren'

 

[aadenalexis2008]

I am also losing my patience. I don't like to have to be so direct but I can't take it anymore. Everything also she has to comment, who asked for her opinions anyway? I work abroad also she has to state her disagreement, I am thinking of buying property also she has to say I weird thinking, when I brought my guy friend home to pass him a document also she has to tell my family she doesn't understand why those people who have worked overseas like to have non-Chinese partners. If it's just her general opinion, I can maybe still tolerate but she says it in a way that makes her sound like she's the perfect, traditional kinda wife that older Chinese people adore.

I just have to 'ren' 'ren 'ren'

hopefully when she have kids of her own, she will hve no time to meddle into ur affairs. for my case, she has 2 kids n working, and still can hve time to bother abt my family.
wats wrong with being with a non-chinese partner n buying ur own property with ur own money?

i rem my sil kept bugging my hubby to rem to set up account to transfer money bk to his mum who loan him a sum of money when we were living in the states as he had to work there. of cos we know we hve to return and in fact i kept making sure that hubby puts up standing instructions with the bank to transfer money to repay the loan. cos i dun wana be indebted to them, sometimes we really have to b clear-cut abt money issues even if r/s is still gd, wats more when its sour...

 

[apollo]

i think ur sil really thinks that ur mum will be buygint the property for u. Maybe tt's the reason why she keep wanna badmouth u. i think her mindset also very OLD, thinking tt u're a daughter so ur mum shd not spend a single cents on u. tt's just my guessing, but if she is really such a person, better beware.

 

[aadenalexis2008]

aadenalexis2008,

Sorry to hear you too have problems with your SIL. We are the reverse, your MIL sides your SIL cause she's her daughter. My mum on the other hand rather sides SIL and comes and confront her own daughter. Maybe I am truly a failed daughter for her to do so

sorry i sound like im using ur thread to rant my problems, jus can't take it sometimes, tok to hubby oso not much use...


ever tot of telling ur mum how u feel?

 

[momi]

It's ok aadenalexis2008, u can tumpang my thread at least we can let out all those emotions bottling in, very bad to keep everything inside.

Ya I am really considering letting everything out to my mum if something like this ever comes up again, which I am sure it will and won't ever be long from now as usual. Very very sad everytime I think how come my own mum can believe that I'm really so unfilial and ungrateful just because of some outsider's comments.

 

[aadenalexis2008]

just hve a gd heart to heart talk with ur mum even if it has to be teary session, i feel sometimes it can help to bring the two of u closer. R u the only daughter? i got tis feeling mb its cos ur mum misses u alot but physically ur not there. And ur sil probably knows how to 'make use' of the fact ur nt in sg to 'take ur place".

 

[momi]

apollo,

To be honest, her thinking is really very old type. Again I don't condemn a person who has those type of thinking as long as they are practised moderately right? But definitely can't accept it when she starts meddling into my life and making it sound like whatever I do is wrong just cause it's not her type of thinking. That's why I started thinking maybe it's to do with her lack of socialising with modern day society PLUS (I know it may be wrong to say this) her lack of further education?

The first few times after we met, she also told my mum I am a bit strange cause speak English at home. According to her, Chinese family should speak Chinese. I am educated all these years in English schools so what is so weird for me to speak English?? That's why I feel she is a very unnegotiable person. Just because u are not used to it, that means I can't do it is it? As usual, that's said behind my back. I really don't like to confront people but don't think then can take advantage of me like this because I can feel my patience running low.

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

I finally found someone who has the same kinda retard sil!!! My sil is EXACTLY the same!! Had 2 kids, working full time yet still love to poke her nose into other people's affairs! To make things worse, I'm staying with my mil so sil will come up to our place... She is so kpo that she even wana be involved in choosing name for my daughters, how my daughter's bday n full month celebrations should be. When I was preggy with my 1st, she wan me to listen to her and go to her gynae, now my 1st dd is 20 mths, she Wana interfere how I teach her, quoting herself as an example when both her kids are tyrants!! I had oso gave her a piece of my mind and we aren't on tokking terms anymore but she still wana interfere in our lives... Haiz, I duno y this kinda retards exist????

Sometimes, some plp just got nothing better to do and to bother about the affairs of others. The saddest thing is when these plp are related to us... For me, im not even staying with my in laws, oredi have probs with a super low EQ sister In law, i can't imagine if i were to stay under the same roof with them. And one thing for sure, blood will forever be thicker than water, mother in law will forever side with sister In law even when words or remarks spout out by sister In law are so insensitive. Just becos she is the eldest in the family, she has to poke her nose into our family matters from the number of times we shld go over to visit to our idea of wanting to change the car. I mean seriously, what concern isit of hers if we really do want to change our car, moreover, the car we are driving now is my car and not my hubby's tho we are sharing it. She even decided and made it clear way before I tied the knot that her kids will be cared by mother in law and my kids by my mummy, I mean im fine by it cos at the start i never had the intention to let mother in law look after, if i have to quit my job and be a FTM, i will by all means do so. But just did not't like the way she loves to push her weight around and keeps bragging about she being the rare one who will be willing to stay with her mother in law. The fact is that she is shuttling between her mum's pl and mother in law's place throughout the week. Also, it seems she conveniently throws her kids with either parents to go on holiday with her hubby.

I tolerated her for years but theres also a limit to one's patience, I have since gave her a piece of my mind and we are not on talking terms, naturally, its the same with mother in law since she most likely is brainwashed by sister In law. But seriously I really dont want to care so much, im also human, if you want me to respect them, it shld well be reciprocal.

 

[aadenalexis2008]

I finally found someone who has the same kinda retard sil!!! My sil is EXACTLY the same!! Had 2 kids, working full time yet still love to poke her nose into other people's affairs! To make things worse, I'm staying with my mil so sil will come up to our place... She is so kpo that she even wana be involved in choosing name for my daughters, how my daughter's bday n full month celebrations should be. When I was preggy with my 1st, she wan me to listen to her and go to her gynae, now my 1st dd is 20 mths, she Wana interfere how I teach her, quoting herself as an example when both her kids are tyrants!! I had oso gave her a piece of my mind and we aren't on tokking terms anymore but she still wana interfere in our lives... Haiz, I duno y this kinda retards exist????

Looks like we are in the same boat, fisherman's friend! When i was having my first boy, and had quite bad morning sickness, she sms my hubby to say since she got tis kinda problem, she shld choose goverment hosp. I was initially quite offended by her remark of this kinda problem, she sounded as if my MS was a huge thg that only i have it in the entire world.. Another incident was when she kept asking me if i had stretch marks, tell me that its useless using the stretchmark cream cos it doesn't work for her during her 2 pregnancies, and i will SURELY get stretchmark, sounded like discouraging me to use cream, But anyway i only use a few times for my 1st and din't use at all for my 2nd pregnancy, I told her straight on her face, if really have stretchmarks then too bad, im fine with it. I seriously dunno whats her problem.

Even when one of the relatives commented that i din't look pregnant from the back view when i was in my 3rd trimester cos it wasn't v obvious that i put on weight, she insisted that i did and that my legs and feet really swollen and stuff... Y do funny plp exist??

 

[apollo]

apollo,

To be honest, her thinking is really very old type. Again I don't condemn a person who has those type of thinking as long as they are practised moderately right? But definitely can't accept it when she starts meddling into my life and making it sound like whatever I do is wrong just cause it's not her type of thinking. That's why I started thinking maybe it's to do with her lack of socialising with modern day society PLUS (I know it may be wrong to say this) her lack of further education?

The first few times after we met, she also told my mum I am a bit strange cause speak English at home. According to her, Chinese family should speak Chinese. I am educated all these years in English schools so what is so weird for me to speak English?? That's why I feel she is a very unnegotiable person. Just because u are not used to it, that means I can't do it is it? As usual, that's said behind my back. I really don't like to confront people but don't think then can take advantage of me like this because I can feel my patience running low.

Judging from ur input, i supposed ur family is english educated too. Since ur family can understand english and your have been speaking english all these while, who is she to interfere? If she is not comfortable, she can speak mandarin to your family but not expecting ppl to compromise her. That means next time her kids can only speak mandarin? I'm not highly educated, in fact my education level is quite low (okay u can judge from my broken english HAHAHAHA!!!!) but we still feel that english (and mandarin) is very impt in SG. Is she wking? her job does not require to speak english at all? Or she expect her boss, colliq and everyone to compromise her? LOL!

 

[apollo]

Looks like we are in the same boat, fisherman's friend! When i was having my first boy, and had quite bad morning sickness, she sms my hubby to say since she got tis kinda problem, she shld choose goverment hosp. I was initially quite offended by her remark of this kinda problem, she sounded as if my MS was a huge thg that only i have it in the entire world.. Another incident was when she kept asking me if i had stretch marks, tell me that its useless using the stretchmark cream cos it doesn't work for her during her 2 pregnancies, and i will SURELY get stretchmark, sounded like discouraging me to use cream, But anyway i only use a few times for my 1st and din't use at all for my 2nd pregnancy, I told her straight on her face, if really have stretchmarks then too bad, im fine with it. I seriously dunno whats her problem.

Even when one of the relatives commented that i din't look pregnant from the back view when i was in my 3rd trimester cos it wasn't v obvious that i put on weight, she insisted that i did and that my legs and feet really swollen and stuff... Y do funny plp exist??

Did she gave birth at govt hospital? Did she put on lotsa weight (or rather, more than u) during her pregnancies? If both ans is YES den isnt that obvious that she is just being jealous??

My problem doesnt lies with getting along with my PIL or SIL. In fact I can get along quite well with my MIL n SIL cos they are quite nice (i hope this will last haha) but hubby's aunt and grandma are the ones I cannot tahan at all, esp his aunt. Same as ur SIL, she jump into conclusions on everything, she always based on her OWN experience. To make things worse, she only say nasty things to me when hub and MIL is not with me!!! Cause all along they tot she is a nice person.

When ds was admitted to hospital due to reflux, she called my hub and requested me to speak to her. She said my MIL wasnt happy that we sent ds to pte hospital, shd send to govt hospital. And said "but dont wry, i've explained to her and she finally understand and will not ask u abt it" oh pls! I noe my MIL well, if she has such mindset, she will ask my hub instead. And to them, they just want their grandson to recover and cant be bothered which hospital he was admitted to. and my hub asked my MIL and she said she didnt ever say such things! Tjis aunt still said she wanna visit ds and WANT to see the pd and speak to him! Even my inlaws and parents also didnt have such request, who is she to do so?

And his aunt still said "why ur son have reflux? my daughter dont have any. i think MUST BE during preg u didnt eat tonics right? told u alrdy, must take plenty of tonics. ur mum didnt get any for u? and i rmb i told u to choose better FM right? u giving ur son this brand, not good.. so now u noe alrdy, next pregnancy u shd noe what to do" Dont doubt, she really said that!!!! And was via a phone conversation which my hub and MIL will nv get a chance to hear it! When they were ard, she dare not say such things to me!!!! And becos of her, I kanna reprimanded by my GMIL a few times, cos she feel that i shd follow her daughter's way of taking care baby.. But I'm lucky that I have an understanding MIL who always side me.

phew~~~

 

[aadenalexis2008]

Did she gave birth at govt hospital? Did she put on lotsa weight (or rather, more than u) during her pregnancies? If both ans is YES den isnt that obvious that she is just being jealous??

My problem doesnt lies with getting along with my PIL or SIL. In fact I can get along quite well with my MIL n SIL cos they are quite nice (i hope this will last haha) but hubby's aunt and grandma are the ones I cannot tahan at all, esp his aunt. Same as ur SIL, she jump into conclusions on everything, she always based on her OWN experience. To make things worse, she only say nasty things to me when hub and MIL is not with me!!! Cause all along they tot she is a nice person.

When ds was admitted to hospital due to reflux, she called my hub and requested me to speak to her. She said my MIL wasnt happy that we sent ds to pte hospital, shd send to govt hospital. And said "but dont wry, i've explained to her and she finally understand and will not ask u abt it" oh pls! I noe my MIL well, if she has such mindset, she will ask my hub instead. And to them, they just want their grandson to recover and cant be bothered which hospital he was admitted to. and my hub asked my MIL and she said she didnt ever say such things! Tjis aunt still said she wanna visit ds and WANT to see the pd and speak to him! Even my inlaws and parents also didnt have such request, who is she to do so?

And his aunt still said "why ur son have reflux? my daughter dont have any. i think MUST BE during preg u didnt eat tonics right? told u alrdy, must take plenty of tonics. ur mum didnt get any for u? and i rmb i told u to choose better FM right? u giving ur son this brand, not good.. so now u noe alrdy, next pregnancy u shd noe what to do" Dont doubt, she really said that!!!! And was via a phone conversation which my hub and MIL will nv get a chance to hear it! When they were ard, she dare not say such things to me!!!! And becos of her, I kanna reprimanded by my GMIL a few times, cos she feel that i shd follow her daughter's way of taking care baby.. But I'm lucky that I have an understanding MIL who always side me.

phew~~~

Yah, she gave birth at KK. I din't get to c her when she was preggie, only saw her after she delivered her 2nd kid, cos i was still in the states. Anyway she is quite big build to begin with.. so I thk i wldn't be able to tell the difference. I seriously dunno whats her problem. Cos of her, i have a bad r/s with MIL, but if its not her, i wldn't be able to see MIL's true colours. She only cares about the welfare of her own children and not mine. I have long accepted the fact that i will forever be an outsider in their eyes so seriously hard for me to show respect to them.Hubby oso noes how i feel but theres little he can do.

You r lucky that your MIL sides with u... for mine, she expects me to be like her cos it seems she went thru lots of 'grilling' living with her in laws and kept bragging that she will always make the effort to visit them every week without fail to change her in laws opinion of her. To that, all i can say, i am not willing to go such lengths for plp with such traditional thinking and especially plp who dunno how to show respect for me. At times, i dun even have time to visit my own mummy on a weekly basis cos of my irratic work schedule, let alone visit in laws and their huge pool of relatives...

 

[apollo]

Yah, she gave birth at KK. I din't get to c her when she was preggie, only saw her after she delivered her 2nd kid, cos i was still in the states. Anyway she is quite big build to begin with.. so I thk i wldn't be able to tell the difference. I seriously dunno whats her problem. Cos of her, i have a bad r/s with MIL, but if its not her, i wldn't be able to see MIL's true colours. She only cares about the welfare of her own children and not mine. I have long accepted the fact that i will forever be an outsider in their eyes so seriously hard for me to show respect to them.Hubby oso noes how i feel but theres little he can do.

You r lucky that your MIL sides with u... for mine, she expects me to be like her cos it seems she went thru lots of 'grilling' living with her in laws and kept bragging that she will always make the effort to visit them every week without fail to change her in laws opinion of her. To that, all i can say, i am not willing to go such lengths for plp with such traditional thinking and especially plp who dunno how to show respect for me. At times, i dun even have time to visit my own mummy on a weekly basis cos of my irratic work schedule, let alone visit in laws and their huge pool of relatives...

IMO, i feel tt ur SIL is just jealous of u. cos i cant find any reasons why one has to be so nasty to another if u didnt offend her in the 1st place. As for ur MIL, maybe she kanna mentally tortured by her MIL b4, so she thinks that she shd do tt? who knows? hahaha.. She expect u to visit her on weekly basic?

 

[aadenalexis2008]

IMO, i feel tt ur SIL is just jealous of u. cos i cant find any reasons why one has to be so nasty to another if u didnt offend her in the 1st place. As for ur MIL, maybe she kanna mentally tortured by her MIL b4, so she thinks that she shd do tt? who knows? hahaha.. She expect u to visit her on weekly basic?

Whatever SIL does, i have nvr poke my nose into her affair, mb she just loves to abuse her elder sis authority. She hopes that we can visit often la, cos its a family weekly tradition to gather at her MIL's place. But with my tuition schedule, how am i supposed to do that, of cos I have to try as much as poss to follow my tutee's available time, and now that im self-employed, i have to work even harder to feed two mouths and provide for the family expenses. One other thing I dun like is that even when a member of the family has chicken pox or fever, they still go for the weekly gathering, putting those who have not had chicken pox at risk. Anyway, i haven't been visiting them for a long long time... seriously i hate to have plp breathing down my neck about visiting when im oredi up to neck with work and plus my kids. So much so i dun have the luxury to go on holiday with my hubby, just the two of us like my SIL.