Problematic In Laws...

[ppong001]

I've been enduring for 2 years since my daughter was born till now... and there so many things that happened that nearly caused me to divorce with my hubby.. As usual.. i have problems with my mother in law.. the usual problems that everyone facing... on top of that i have problems with my brother in law as well.. in order to shorten my post... i'll just write a summary of my life for two years..

- got marry cos pregnant and thus stay in in law hse at first..
- at first my mil was taking care of my daughter and keep giving excuse like need go doc appt last min or busy need go out and ended up i always have to take last min leave to rush home.. thus once my daughter got 18mths i send her to childcare.. as my mil also doesn't know how to teach her.. and she dun even cook for her.. just keep asking her drink milk and eat biscult even after 1 year old.. so my daughter health was not very good..
- in law owe HDB a lot of $ and force to sell away their hse.. then all of them (my mil, fil, sil,bil ) move to my hse... -.-" and take things for granted
- in order not let them stay at my hse for too long, my hubby and i bought a 3 room flat and stay with them.. but they take things for granted also.. use electricity like nobody business ($300plus a mth.. it's a lot for a 3 room flat) as we are the one paying for it.. they never even fork out a single cent..
- my gold jewellery and my daughter's gold jewellery (gifts from relatives/ bought them myself - kept in my own room) all went missing.. hubby always side them saying " aiya must be u forget where u put, after birth memory not good liao.." I suspect my bil stole it (cos he got very very bad record) but no evidence and i told my hubby that i'm not willing to let him stay.. when my hubby wanna chase him out.. my mil chu pattern.. say we got no evidence and say a lot of nonsense to keep protecting his son... even up to the extent of committing sucide (cos my fil quarrel with her to ask my bil to move out and she disagree) ended up my bil still staying with us now.. -.-""
- wanted to get a new flat and move out ourselves (sell current flat) and ask in laws to stay other place on their own.. but have problem getting new flat.. and hubby keep dragging saying.. " wats wrong with staying here?"
- going crazy with all the things they doing.. act as if is their own house.. like to place their things anyhow anywhere.. smoke in the hse even when my daughter is ard.. I Hate it.. even smoke while talking or playing with her.. i always try to bring her eslewhere if i see it..
-most of my time at home, i'll stay in the room with my daughter or bring her out.. i even lock my room door when me and my hubby is not ard.. but no use.. we have a spare key left for his mum.. cos my hubby say.. wat if my daughter comes home and door still lock inside or she needed something inside the room.. ( my mil will bring her home from childcare everyday)..
- i think i going insane soon.. and i think i'm facing depression as well.. keep thinking of revenge.. like stealing their things also.. i know it's wrong.. so i didn't do it at all but i keep having evil thoughts.. think i going crazy soon..

 

[apollo]

I've been enduring for 2 years since my daughter was born till now... and there so many things that happened that nearly caused me to divorce with my hubby.. As usual.. i have problems with my mother in law.. the usual problems that everyone facing... on top of that i have problems with my brother in law as well.. in order to shorten my post... i'll just write a summary of my life for two years..

- got marry cos pregnant and thus stay in in law house at first..
- at first my mother in law was taking care of my daughter and keep giving excuse like need go doc appt last min or busy need go out and ended up i always have to take last min leave to rush home.. thus once my daughter got 18mths i send her to childcare.. as my mother in law also doesn't know how to teach her.. and she dont even cook for her.. just keep asking her drink milk and eat biscult even after 1 year old.. so my daughter health was not very good..
- in law owe HDB a lot of $ and force to sell away their house.. then all of them (my mother in law, father in law, sister In law,brother in law ) move to my house... -.-" and take things for granted
- in order not let them stay at my house for too long, my hubby and i bought a 3 room flat and stay with them.. but they take things for granted also.. use electricity like nobody business ($300plus a month.. it's a lot for a 3 room flat) as we are the one paying for it.. they never even fork out a single cent..
- my gold jewellery and my daughter's gold jewellery (gifts from relatives/ bought them myself - kept in my own room) all went missing.. hubby always side them saying " aiya must be you forget where you put, after birth memory not good .." I suspect my brother in law stole it (cos he got very very bad record) but no evidence and i told my hubby that i'm not willing to let him stay.. when my hubby wanna chase him out.. my mother in law chu pattern.. say we got no evidence and say a lot of nonsense to keep protecting his son... even up to the extent of committing sucide (cos my father in law quarrel with her to ask my brother in law to move out and she disagree) ended up my brother in law still staying with us now.. -.-""
- wanted to get a new flat and move out ourselves (sell current flat) and ask in laws to stay other place on their own.. but have problem getting new flat.. and hubby keep dragging saying.. " wats wrong with staying here?"
- going crazy with all the things they doing.. act as if is their own house.. like to place their things anyhow anywhere.. smoke in the house even when my daughter is around.. I Hate it.. even smoke while talking or playing with her.. i always try to bring her eslewhere if i see it..
-most of my time at home, i'll stay in the room with my daughter or bring her out.. i even lock my room door when me and my hubby is not around.. but no use.. we have a spare key left for his mum.. cos my hubby say.. what if my daughter comes home and door still lock inside or she needed something inside the room.. ( my mother in law will bring her home from childcare everyday)..
- i think i going insane soon.. and i think i'm facing depression as well.. keep thinking of revenge.. like stealing their things also.. i know it's wrong.. so i didn't do it at all but i keep having evil thoughts.. think i going crazy soon..

babe, my heart goes to u... it's really v annoying staying with ur inlaws! esp ur gold has all gone missing! if i were, i dun care, i'll just call police without notify hubby.

i suggest u to bring ur girl and move to ur parents' place 1st. cos tsuch environment is not suitable for ur girl.

and most imptly, u have to let ur hubby noe hw serious it is. ur gold went missing, they smoking IN FRONT of ur girl etc... i dun believe tt ur gold will go missin out of sudden, and i also dun think u will forget where u place them too..

 

[diymummy]

I feel you should go make a police report of your missing items. Making a police report doesn't mean that you know who the culprit is and it doesn't mean you are implying your bil is the thief. Just make the report to show that you mean business.

And if your mil attempts to kill herself, you should let her go ahead because she is just using it as emotional blackmail. Your bil is so daring because he knows his mother will protect him.

As for your hubby, ask him to think abt the long term especially for your daughter. Is this the environment he wants your daughter to grow up in? 2nd hand smoke, thieves... I don't think it's healthy for her lorr...

 

[Ting]

i agree with diymummy n apollo, get a grip of yourself first.
u need to plan things well b4 u can get rid of all of them.
i do agree u shld make a police report, even if it is just to scare them, at least your bil wont dare to strike again cos he knows u mean business.
n your MIL, wah, if its me, i will just dare her.
hahahaha.i dun like to get blackmailed by ppl.
like diy dearie mentioned, talk to your hubby abt this. this is definately not the right kind of environment for your child to grow up in.
n your bil dun seem to be someone safe to live with.

 

[ppong001]

Thanks for all ur reply.. i've made a police report before.. cos some other things went missing at home at first.. but the police say that there's nothing they can do unless i wanna engage a lawyer and i think making police report does nt work for my bil as he went in and out jail many times due to theif in other places..
my mil really committed sucide and went to hospital to wash her stomach.. becos of this.. no ones dare to mention about the incident of chasing my bil out again -.-" I convince my hubby for so long to move out.. but he keep saying that he's the eldest son and have to look after his parents no matter what.. so now i stop trying to convince him.. i'll get a new flat first then ask him to move.. not intending to ask my in laws to move to stay with us anymore.. but meanwhile.. i couldn't get a new flat.. and completion have to wait at least till year 2014.. and i dun think i can wait that long.. resale too expensive so cant afford.. my own parents already passed away.. only left with my younger sis staying at my parents place.. and she'll be moving to stay alone.. i really duno what should i do.. i cannot talk to my in laws.. they side each other.. even sometimes my hubby side them too.. i felt like i'm all alone.. no one to help me.. and being bully my their whole family... but i know becos of my daughter i must stay strong and endure.. but i really duno how long more i can take all these..

 

[venia_plena]

Thanks for all your reply.. i've made a police report before.. cos some other things went missing at home at first.. but the police say that there's nothing they can do unless i wanna engage a lawyer and i think making police report does not work for my brother in law as he went in and out jail many times due to theif in other places..
my mother in law really committed sucide and went to hospital to wash her stomach.. becos of this.. no ones dare to mention about the incident of chasing my brother in law out again -.-" I convince my hubby for so long to move out.. but he keep saying that he's the eldest son and have to look after his parents no matter what.. so now i stop trying to convince him.. i'll get a new flat first then ask him to move.. not intending to ask my in laws to move to stay with us anymore.. but meanwhile.. i couldn't get a new flat.. and completion have to wait at least till year 2014.. and i dont think i can wait that long.. resale too expensive so cant afford.. my own parents already passed away.. only left with my younger sis staying at my parents place.. and she'll be moving to stay alone.. i really dont know what should i do.. i cannot talk to my in laws.. they side each other.. even sometimes my hubby side them too.. i felt like i'm all alone.. no one to help me.. and being bully my their whole family... but i know becos of my daughter i must stay strong and endure.. but i really dont know how long more i can take all these..

hi babe.. i can feel for you and understand what u have been through :wong19::wong19: and the kind of pressure tat you are under.. since that now both yr parents had passed away.. i can undertsand why u feel helpless.. but lucky thing is you still have a younger sis.. if i am you i will talk to my sister.. i am not sure if your parents' house is still available if yes i would suggest that you moved out with yr daughter.. and give yr husband the ultimatum.. well he may be the eldest son but he is not the only son.. besides.. u dun have to stay together with the parents in order to fulfill yr fillial piety.. u know what u mean..

sometimes i dun understand logic (no offence) but we girls after married we too dun get to live with our parents but that does not mean that we are infillial and not taking care of our parents.. but how come guys as long as they dun stay with their parents then they are infillial.. weird!!

 

[diymummy]

I think, if your hubby feels that it is his responsibility to house his parents, then just only house his parents. If his siblings wanna room in as well, then collect rent.

Ask someone to draft contract. Make everything black and white. Tell your hubby that collecting rent is a win-win situation. He don't want to see his bil continue to get in trouble with the law right? Tell him that his bil needs to learn how to be responsible for himself. First step is to learn how to earn money and put a roof over his own head rather than free loading.

With regards to your mil trying to commit suicide, I think she needs mental help.

 

[Lin-12]

I think maybe you can persuade ur hubby to rent a house for them? Or rent a room for them to stay. Seriously frm my pov, i don't think ur hubby is responsible for his sister n brother too. Ask them to get a life themselves. Try asking ur hubby to think for your daughter. Eventually when she grows up, she would need a room for herself. Does he seriously intend to let his daughter to grow up in this kind of environment? Gold is missing. That's a big problem. How could things go missing in the house if no one steals it. I don't think its safe to live in this kinda environment.

 

[ppong001]

hi babe.. i can feel for you and understand what you have been through :wong19::wong19: and the kind of pressure that you are under.. since that now both yr parents had passed away.. i can undertsand why you feel helpless.. but lucky thing is you still have a younger sis.. if i am you i will talk to my sister.. i am not sure if your parents' house is still available if yes i would suggest that you moved out with yr daughter.. and give yr husband the ultimatum.. well he may be the eldest son but he is not the only son.. besides.. you dont have to stay together with the parents in order to fulfill yr fillial piety.. you know what you mean..

sometimes i dont understand logic (no offence) but we girls after married we too dont get to live with our parents but that does not mean that we are infillial and not taking care of our parents.. but how come guys as long as they dont stay with their parents then they are infillial.. weird!!

Hi Thanks for your reply.. totally agree.. we can also be filial even if we are not staying together.. but duno y they just dun understand.. i'm now passing day by day.. my relative told me to be more endurance since my mil might have the " Gen Nian Qi" condition <= (sorry duno wats that term in english, it means we female totally stop our menses in old age causing mood swing and unbalance condition).. my friends told me that i cant have a win win situation this way.. is either i be cruel to them or cruel to myself..

 

[ppong001]

hi babe.. i can feel for you and understand what you have been through :wong19::wong19: and the kind of pressure that you are under.. since that now both yr parents had passed away.. i can undertsand why you feel helpless.. but lucky thing is you still have a younger sis.. if i am you i will talk to my sister.. i am not sure if your parents' house is still available if yes i would suggest that you moved out with yr daughter.. and give yr husband the ultimatum.. well he may be the eldest son but he is not the only son.. besides.. you dont have to stay together with the parents in order to fulfill yr fillial piety.. you know what you mean..

sometimes i dont understand logic (no offence) but we girls after married we too dont get to live with our parents but that does not mean that we are infillial and not taking care of our parents.. but how come guys as long as they dont stay with their parents then they are infillial.. weird!!

Hi Thanks for your reply.. totally agree.. we can also be filial even if we are not staying together.. but duno y they just dun understand.. i'm now passing day by day.. my relative told me to be more endurance since my mil might have the " Gen Nian Qi" condition <= (sorry duno wats that term in english, it means we female totally stop our menses in old age causing mood swing and unbalance condition).. my friends told me that i cant have a win win situation this way.. is either i be cruel to them or cruel to myself..

 

[fioncess]

Hi Thanks for your reply.. totally agree.. we can also be filial even if we are not staying together.. but dont know y they just dont understand.. i'm now passing day by day.. my relative told me to be more endurance since my mother in law might have the " Gen Nian Qi" condition <= (sorry dont know wats that term in english, it means we female totally stop our menses in old age causing mood swing and unbalance condition).. my friends told me that i cant have a win win situation this way.. is either i be cruel to them or cruel to myself..

then i rather u be cruel to them for the sake of ur daugther.

 

[apollo]

Hi Thanks for your reply.. totally agree.. we can also be filial even if we are not staying together.. but dont know y they just dont understand.. i'm now passing day by day.. my relative told me to be more endurance since my mother in law might have the " Gen Nian Qi" condition <= (sorry dont know wats that term in english, it means we female totally stop our menses in old age causing mood swing and unbalance condition).. my friends told me that i cant have a win win situation this way.. is either i be cruel to them or cruel to myself..

i agree with fion dearie, rather be cruel to them nw den having the risk tt it will affect ur girl's growth..

no matter ur mil is having menopause anot, seince she really commited suicide, means her emotions is having a BIG pro! u think living with her is safe? so u think ur girl is safe? and ur bil, he stole! u said he has been in n out of jail for times yet he still dare to steal!!! means he has no intention of changing..

 

[apollo]

and i also agree, i dun think it is a MUST for elder son to live with parents.. of cos, if everyone can live tgt peaceful, y not? but since so much pro coming, den wat for?

my grand mil has 8 children, 6 of them are male. and she still insisted to stay ALONE. so she knows tt no matter hw good she or her DIL are, they bound to have conflicts.

 

[Ting]

my bf is the only son n eldest, but after we marry, we (or rather, ME) also dun intend to live with his mother.
n his mum also told him she gg to live with his sister.now what era alr..OMG PLS.


n your mil, i think she needs mental help, she abit unstable also.
she wanna hse his parents OK, but his siblings, either get them OUT of make sure they pay u rent (n for utilities).
agree with diydearie, put all in black n white, if cant pay then they hv to MOVE OUT.
is there anyway u can move in to live with your sis first?

 

[ppong001]

my bf is the only son n eldest, but after we marry, we (or rather, ME) also dont intend to live with his mother.
n his mum also told him she gg to live with his sister.now what era already..OMG PLS.


n your mother in law, i think she needs mental help, she abit unstable also.
she wanna house his parents OK, but his siblings, either get them OUT of make sure they pay you rent (n for utilities).
agree with diydearie, put all in black n white, if cant pay then they have to MOVE OUT.
is there anyway you can move in to live with your sis first?

Thank for your reply... dun think i can move in with my sis asthere's no room for me... and i guess even i put all in black and white.. his bil wont even bother.. cos my mil sure side him and duno wat pattern she going to come out with as well... i think now i just got to endure and wait till i get my new flat and i'll chase them all away.. endure endure again...my mil needs mental health stuff.. let her go decide herself cos that time we advise her but she think that we are saying she's crazy and she does wan to go.,..

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

Thank for your reply... dont think i can move in with my sis asthere's no room for me... and i guess even i put all in black and white.. his brother in law wont even bother.. cos my mother in law sure side him and dont know what pattern she going to come out with as well... i think now i just got to endure and wait till i get my new flat and i'll chase them all away.. endure endure again...my mother in law needs mental health stuff.. let her go decide herself cos that time we advise her but she think that we are saying she's crazy and she does want to go.,..

I think i can understand how you felt now. Coz im oso staying with my mil, my hubby's grandma and bil. His grandma oso smokes like nobody business, make the wkole house super smelly, and his bro likes to closed al windows in the house which makes it worse! Furthermore, his grandma will always be talking to the air, scolding all vulgarities even late at night!

My mil wun do much housework, and my hubby oso felt he has the responsibility to take care of ALL of them though he still has an elder sis who is earning better than us.

I had tried many times to persuade him to get our own house, no matter what, it is what he promised me before marriage, but he will always said then his mum how? She so old le, always little things also scared, blah blah...

Then now he is suggesting of getting a new place, bigger place so that everyone can move in together, i think he is crazy. I'm not gona dig my own grave!!

Try to be determined, stand firm to your decisions. It is really not healthy for your child to be living in such an environment.

If ur hubby still so stubborn, then u have to think of an alternative, for the sake of ur child...

 

[ppong001]

I think i can understand how you felt now. Coz im also staying with my mother in law, my hubby's grandma and brother in law. His grandma also smokes like nobody business, make the wkole house super smelly, and his bro likes to closed al windows in the house which makes it worse! Furthermore, his grandma will always be talking to the air, scolding all vulgarities even late at night!

My mother in law wun do much housework, and my hubby also felt he has the responsibility to take care of ALL of them though he still has an elder sis who is earning better than us.

I had tried many times to persuade him to get our own house, no matter what, it is what he promised me before marriage, but he will always said then his mum how? She so old , always little things also scared, blah blah...

Then now he is suggesting of getting a new place, bigger place so that everyone can move in together, i think he is crazy. I'm not gona dig my own grave!!

Try to be determined, stand firm to your decisions. It is really not healthy for your child to be living in such an environment.

If your hubby still so stubborn, then you have to think of an alternative, for the sake of your child...

Oh my.. your situation as bad as mine... haiz.. guess there many ppl out therefacing similar things like us.. i've decided not to give them any face anymore... if the next time, they were to smoke infront of my daugther... i'll just pull her away and tell them on the spot.. saying the smoke is not good for her.. so if u really wan to smoke.. pls smoke outside of the hse.. or somewhere far away from my daughter...

 

[diymummy]

ppong001, how abt discussing with your hubby to lay down house rules? And everyone can abide by them. It's healthy for everyone including your mil who's mentally unstable. I think there're too many variables and laying down some house rules give predictability and stability. And while talking to your hubby abt house rules, you also lay down expectations. I mean, it's your house. You have the right to decide what has to be done and goes around. If people are unhappy, they can move out.

 

[MsKoh1973]

Oh my.. your situation as bad as mine... sigh.. guess there many ppl out therefacing similar things like us.. i've decided not to give them any face anymore... if the next time, they were to smoke infront of my daugther... i'll just pull her away and tell them on the spot.. saying the smoke is not good for her.. so if you really want to smoke.. pls smoke outside of the house.. or somewhere far away from my daughter...

u must ask urself, how much you love your husband........you must let your husband noe how much you are suffering becos of that, and what he can do to make you feel better.......

sometimes, its really out of no choice, children cannot dun take care of parents, as much as I dun like my msia parent in laws, cos they never take care of me, even tried to ignore me when I need help. However, if in future, they really need help, I oso won't force my husband to disregard them, cos after all he is their son.

My dad staying at my house tho I have a younger bro. My dad smoke, so he go out of d house and smoke at the corridor, my gal sometimes will say she want to vomit becos the wind blow the smell come into my house, think some of my neighbour oso buay song......including my husband, I told him, is really bo pian, I told him if we could have bought a bigger house with balcony, then he could have his own place to smoke.....

I really hate my husband's parents, cos they dun like me, but my dad oso not an angel, he will wake up middle of the night to cook porridge nearly everyday cos he hungry, he will leave the stove on, go into his room to sleep for awhile and agar the time to wake up. No matter how many times I scolded him, he still like tat, I can't everynite hide in the kitchen to catch him.

He go out the house to smoke, when he come back in, he forget to look the door, or he left the keys in the key hole overnite..........

My dad oso gamble, ever owe "ah long" until they paste poster.....despite whatever he does, I still have to provide for him. Few times when I quarrel with him, I threaten him if he dun behave, I am going to send him to elderly home, he oso threaten to leave the house. But the next day, we will just pretend nothing happens.

Parents are like tat, regardless of his or yours, they all have shortcomings..........sometimes really untolearble..........tho it seems like my own father is worst than my PIL, cos tho they dun like me, they dun help me, but at least they don't cause me trouble, unlike my own father.

I gv my dad $400 pm, if he see doc or buy things, all reimburse separately. Food is provided at home, last time my sis use to give him $400 pm, but recently she changed job to lower pay, so give abt $100. My father oso buay song. I told him my uncle's daughter staying at sentosa clove only give my uncle at most $200 pm, so we consider quite good liao, yet my father buay song, said another uncle's daughter give him $800 per month, and can ask for more if not enough........

I sometimes really beri angry with my own dad.........in fact, my mother committed suicide 10 yrs ago oso partly due to him....but after angry, when clam down, I will feel ok, after all is my own father......

tat's why I think, if u really love your husband, you must try to bear wif him. Cos he may feel the same as you, however, its fated they are his parents, there is really nothing much he can do about it, esp if his own brothers are useless, his parents got nobody to depend on.

Try to see open, otherwise, it will only make you more upset.