Relationship with Parents, especially Mum

[momi]

I don't really know where to let this out so please hear me out and provide me with advice to be a better person

My relationship with my mum can be said as very close..I mean she will tell me everything troubling and not troubling her. I can say that I am the only one in this world whom she is most comfortable to share her problems with. I, on the other hand, honestly do not share most of my problems with her (she doesn't know this) because I feel she's a very judgemental person, always quick to give her opinions and comments and worst, she always thinks she's right. Most of the time, her comments are hurtful. So I hardly share my things with her in order to avoid hearing those remarks.

Ok so these few years, she has been even sharing all her work problems with me. She'll tell me what and what happened at work and then asked me for my opinion on how to deal with the situation. She holds a high position at work and so needs to make decisions. I try to help her as much as I can everytime she comes home looking so troubled because I feel maybe she's getting older and older so surely more difficult to handle her work problems. Everytime she settled the problems following my advices, she'll tell me that she's just trying to train me to be a better worker. I also let her just say what she wants :001_302: cause maybe old people scared to appear incompetent.

In the last few weeks and days, again she came to me with her work problems and I don't know why these few days I feel so 'suffocated' but guilty. Few days ago, she kept sms-ing me at work asking for instructions on how to solve her work problem. I could sense that she was troubled so in the first few msges, I reasoned out her problem and gave her my opinions and solutions (long smses). I thought it would end there but no, it ended up the whole day she was msging me, mostly asking the same things. I really tried to be patient but towards the evening I was quite fed-up. Btw she never calls me at work because she's worried that people around her will know she asks me for advice. In the evening, I was quite impatient but I still tried to help her as much as I can. She told me ok and that she has sent off the notice to the other staff. Next day early morning, she asked me the same things again. I talked to her about it since I feel it must be still bothering her. Then afternoon came, she smsed me again about the issue. I replied her. Then everning came, I was out with my colleagues and when I saw my phone, it had about 10 misscalls! Then she called again and asked the same things..also asked how come I didn't pick up her calls. I don't know why I was quite worked up and said to her Why she asks the same thing over and over again? She got angry at me and then hung up. I have been feeling so guilty since!

Can dear mummies pls tell me whether I was so bad to do what I did? And the thing is this incident is only 1 in so many and will sure surface again because I feel like now she depends on me completely on her tasks and decisions at work. I know she's getting older and older so I should be more understanding but yet I find myself losing my temper like yesterday

 

[momi]

Re: Relationship with Family

I am sorry to continue on this thread. It seems like it has become a place for me to rant rather than to hear others' opinions. Hopefully some mummies will reply here soon.

Yesterday was a pretty dissappointing day for me. I had a talk with my mum over a small issue, I just do not want to have a celebratory dinner over my work promotion with my mum's relatives while my mum insists that I have to do it because all her relatives do that. I explained to her that I am just not the type who likes to boast about such things but she insists. The reason I feel is boasting is because all my cousins are only working normal jobs, so why should I need to throw a party to announce to the whole world that I have achieved something great? In the end my mum got angry and insisted. She said she'll ask my brother what he thinks.

So she talked to brother. All this time my brother has been confiding in me that he is tired of mum always comparing us with her relatives' side. That's why I thought my brother will be fair in this issue. It turned out he kept siding my mum. I was disappointed and told them that we end the talk then because it seems you all only care about what outside people feel. After the talk, I asked brother what he really thought. He said he feels I was right but he sided mum cause no point arguing with her.

Hearing this was a wake-up call for me actually! I am starting to see now that I have been so naive all along. Whenever he tells me his problems with mum, I always try my best to bring it up to mum in a soft manner and in a way solves it for him. Now that I only needed his honest input, he actually takes my mum's side just to please her. I am very very disappointed! I thought office politics is inevitable, but it seems at home also need to be on high guard.

Anyone has experienced similar things? Does any of you ever feel like you can't really trust your own family members with your honest feelings?

 

[diymummy]

Re: Relationship with Family

Yeah I feel that way sometimes too. My mum's not exactly the easiest person to live with either. It doesn't mean that I love her less. It's just that we both have different personalities and it takes two to make it work.

I think your feelings are valid and you shouldn't feel guilty abt it. If I were you, I'd have lost my cool too.

I think your mum is probably lonely. Being a leader is lonely. She can't talk to her subordinates and she has few peers, so naturally she'll turn to family. I think if she tend to repeat herself, you could gently tell her that you're busy and you'd get back to her later. But having said that, I feel that she should also understand that you have a life too and your life doesn't revolve around her. From what I see, it seems that she is overly dependent on you for her emotional needs.

 

[Stormblessed]

Re: Relationship with Family

Momi: Can ask if your mum shares with your dad? It looks like she's overly dependent on you for emotional support

 

[momi]

Thanks so much diymummy and Stormblessed for replying! Really appreciate it.

Ya I've tried to tell her I am busy and will reply later but she'll tell me it's very urgent cannot wait etc.

:embarrassed: What really hurt me so much yesterday was when I was sharing my feelings with them about the party thing, my mum and brother were like 'ganging up' to ridicule me. I know I shouldn't be expecting kind treatment from them just because I always listen patiently when they confide in me their problems, but I was truly hurt when they just keep laughing at my 'feelings' and insisting on what they want. Really make me realise maybe cannot fully be honest with own family members. Also maybe I shouldn't bother about their problems anymore but on the other hand I feel guilty thinking like that..haihhh.

Stormblessed, my dad and brother are not patient. So mum doesn't share most of her problems with them.

 

[momi]

Hello mummies.

Had a talk with mum last night and once again ended up in an argument. I really don't know what is the problem, is it me who is at fault.

So last night she asked me when and where I would like to have the celebration meal with her relatives. I replied 'Anywhere and anyday also can, I have no particular preference'. She flared up upon hearing this and started saying that I have no enthusiasm, if so uninterested then don't have it la bla bla bla (for a whole 5-10 mins). When she finished, I asked her actually what she wants me to do..a few days ago I already said I didn't want to have it but since she insists must have so ok I give way and have it then. So now you expect that I must be enthusiastic with you over this? She continued to say and say and say then she went into her room. Haihhh :embarrassed: actually what's the problem also I don't know.

 

[angiebaby]

i think ur mom is trying to show to relative that u r great person and make a great achievement on ur work, she proud of u and maybe partially wans to show off, maybe she got relative did that before and she wans to "win" a game .

old people are like kids sometime, they can not be reasoned, or maybe they know they are not wrong but due to "face" problem die die they will insist their way.

if u dun wan to hurt her, just pretent u like all her comments, and working sms u just replied her u r meeting with boss and can not answer her question.

to me my family all very direct, any problem we talk face to face, not in a gentle way, my mom do thing wrong or anyhow give comment i will just scold her and she do the same to me, i feel easier this way but of course my mom have a thick nerve and wont be hurt by such talks.

with family member forget about all the sense thing as they expect u r the family and u will listen what "family" says. if u wan to be urself, u can hide in the room or what...sorry to say that but in this world, we got to wear a mask all the time.

 

[momi]

Thanks angiebaby, appreciate your reply.

Ya I think you have described the exact scenario. And I think my problem here really is the 'wearing mask all the time' - all this time I thought family members why need to wear mask. If I feel my mum is wrong, I used to tell her what I think. If my brother is right, I'll try to reason with my mum to see brother's perspective. I always believed we are family members, we have each of our interest at heart. PLUS my mum was the one who says that all the time that's why I naively think that way.

Until these few incidents, I now realise that I am so naive and so stupid to do all the dirty works all these time.

 

[angiebaby]

well not to late to realize now, change ur way of handling these issues and u will feel better, after all if u dun love urself, who will ove u more? so dun make ur own life difficult, follow the flow and u will find that life is easier without fighting the current...

 

[momi]

Thanks angiebaby.

When you say 'follow the flow', does it mean just follow what everyone says and do, yes yes no no. Even if I feel it's not right also just follow majority to make my life easier?

Reason I am asking this is because all this time I always weigh things right or wrong when family members come to me with their problems (which is ALL THE TIME). Then if I feel not correct, I usually explain to them patiently my pov. Maybe because of that I expect the same treatment from them but of course it did not happen.

So eg, this celebration party thing how? I really not enthusiastic..but do I have to pretend to be now?

 

[angiebaby]

well for the party since u already told ur mom u not wan it, not if u act very happy also weird right? just stay cool and go tell ur mom after thinking u wan go to xxx resturant because they have special food, and tell her u wan do xxx date, u r showing ur interest but in a cool manner, so she will know u willing to give in and she wins the battle, for sure she will be happy and give u good face, when she start chatting about " see at first i told u should do this and bla bla bla..." just pretent u forgot to make a urgent call and fast grab ur phone pretent dial a number and talk few words and tell her u need to go back office settle urgent issue like docs or whatsoever, but then u go to a cafe have a cup of coffee or tea with a slice of cake, bring a book or what, spend 1 or 2 hours there and go back hm give a very exhausted face say u very tired and need to rest, im sure she will not bother u anymore....

and when they ask u opinions u ask them first how they think or what they think, then just say u agree it too but pretend u really feel that way....got it?

 

[momi]

:001_302: Ya I got it..thanks for the advice. Haha I feel like I am a new cast for those HK family conflict series now.

Quite sad when think about it. Own family members also need to pretend pretend like this. I wonder if other mummies have similar experiences with their family members?