Should i let my son acknowledge biological father?

[shi_san_yee]

I got pregnant and I didn't marry my son's father due to character clash. When we called off the wedding, he told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me and baby and that i could jolly well abort him; i was damn happy to hear that, but regret not getting it jotted down legally. So i went through the pregnancy on my own, paying for everything myself. when my son was born his sis in law was the fire starter, she saw my facebook pictures, and asked me how the baby was, how was the birth... i only answered out of courtesy. Then that man started to contact me, saying that it is fate that he knows about the birth, and he demanded to see the baby once. To stop the guilt trip my (traditional) mum was giving me, i caved in.

After that visit, i was very uncomfortable, and stopped letting him visit, to which, he pestered me to come out to talk. During the talk, he questioned my intentions of allowing him to see the boy the first time. Actually he accused me of using my son to make him woo me back, and rekindle the relationship. Then he started to cry saying his parents want to see their only grandchild, and told me i'm in no position to decide for my son if he should be allowed to see his father, and that he doesn't mind being "god pa" or "papa". Anyway, to shut his gap, i told him i will try to take my boy out to meet him when i am free.

During one of the meetings, he shoved money into my diaper bag before leaving. I returned it to him the next time, as a precaution so that in the event that he fights legally, he cannot say he has supported the boy. When he or his folks bring gifts during our meetings, i will accept them (but not necessarily use them) just don't wanna be rude.

If i had my way, i'll stop the visits totally, crossing my fingers that he won't fight a law suit with me for visitation rights, which is the main reason for letting him see the boy on my terms; so he doesn't go fight legally.

Now, my son is beginning to recognise people and eventually, learn to greet people. Should I allow him to call that man "papa" or "daddy"? (I'm cringing as i type this) I know he already refers to himself as "papa" and it feels damn sick hearing it. anyone same position as me? what does your child refer to the father as? I'm really very bothered about this, as my son is growing by the day and soon he'll learn to talk, i need to establish this fast.

 

[Amulet]

i cringed too as i read..

if my girl is to bump into her biological fatger one day, i will just intro him as 'uncle'.. just as any other uncles on the street..

 

[shi_san_yee]

the next time i meet up with him (and most likely his mum), i'll refer to him as 'uncle' see what his reaction is, sure give black face. and his mum always carries him out of my sight, then say "nai nai dai ni zou zou". i hate that! both the 'nai nai' and walking out of my sight. i show my displeasure she still does it, and also snatch my son's biscuit away just to see his reaction... cry la what other reaction she want??

 

[PinkDiamonds]

Why can't you just don't let him see his son at all? He is not legally tied to you. Even if he wants to claim his son, he doesn't even have a case. Since you said since your pregnancy you've been paying for everything and he is living with you right now yes?

By allowing your boy to meet his father, including his grandparents, you are giving him & them an opportunity to contribute to the upbringing of his son. Then next time he CAN bring up a case saying he has been spending time with your boy, giving you money, etc.

I know a mum here who also brought up her child on her own without the biological father. Now even the father wants to meet the child the mummy stands firmly that she will NOT let her child acknowledge the father.

Why bring yourself this type of unnecessary trouble??

 

[shi_san_yee]

Why can't you just dont't let him see his son at all? He is not legally tied to you. Even if he wants to claim his son, he doesn't even have a case. Since you said since your pregnancy you've been paying for everything and he is living with you right now yes?

By allowing your boy to meet his father, including his grandparents, you are giving him & them an opportunity to contribute to the upbringing of his son. Then next time he CAN bring up a case saying he has been spending time with your boy, giving you money, etc.

I know a mum here who also brought up her child on her own without the biological father. Now even the father wants to meet the child the mummy stands firmly that she will NOT let her child acknowledge the father.

Why bring yourself this type of unnecessary trouble??

true, and i really regretted giving in to his request the very first time, too late now. these days i limit meetings to once every 3 weeks, trying to lessen the frequency. i know he will pester me or worse, my parents if i 'disappear' and stop the meetings. he knows where i work/live, i scared he come and pester me. i don't wanna live in fear not knowing when he'll appear to see the child, which is why i'd rather make it amicable. but i never told him i will let my son acknowledge him.

i also consulted a lawyer and (unfortunately) as long as the man is the child's natural father (whether or not he wanted the child), he has a case; only whether he wants to take it up to court. and if all that happens and he secures legal parental rights, then i'll be legally obligated to let him have time with my son. i'm trying to avoid that totally. i'm afraid that by not letting him see the boy anymore, i'll trigger him to fight it out with me.

 

[Ting]

true, and i really regretted giving in to his request the very first time, too late now. these days i limit meetings to once every 3 weeks, trying to lessen the frequency. i know he will pester me or worse, my parents if i 'disappear' and stop the meetings. he knows where i work/live, i scared he come and pester me. i don't wanna live in fear not knowing when he'll appear to see the child, which is why i'd rather make it amicable. but i never told him i will let my son acknowledge him.

i also consulted a lawyer and (unfortunately) as long as the man is the child's natural father (whether or not he wanted the child), he has a case; only whether he wants to take it up to court. and if all that happens and he secures legal parental rights, then i'll be legally obligated to let him have time with my son. i'm trying to avoid that totally. i'm afraid that by not letting him see the boy anymore, i'll trigger him to fight it out with me.

to be honest, in your case, i think, its best u talk to him and make an arrangement with him on what your son shld address him as, what are the future arrangements for your son, and the frequency of meeting him, etc. if possible, draft out a legal contract with him, regarding your son's custody, etc.
BUT one thing u hv to ponder abt, now your son is still young, but ever thought that, as he grows older n older, wont it occur to him that this "uncle" is his dad? if not why would this "uncle" meet him 3 times a week if he is just "mummy's friend"?
i think u hv to be firm in what u want n once and for all thrash it out with him. either way, he is going to see your son, regardless he fights a case with u or not. now the best u can do is to minimise all the damage done.
has he consulted a lawyer yet? if not, get your lawyer to draft out a legal contract stating your ex will give u sole custody of your son, and also limit the frequency of meeting him, say instead of 3 times a week, make it 1 or 2 times per week, XX hrs each time. make sure u state that he cant stay overnight at his place, and etc. by right, he has to pay maintenance fee for your child (regardless he acknowledge him or not), u can choose to take it or not, but since he has to give (by law) then just take and keep it aside for your son's future use (in case of emergency and education).
i know it is hard for u to accept your son calling your ex daddy, or even acknowledge him, but it has alr happened,so try to do whats best for your son n yourself in the future. for me, frm the moment i decide to leave that person, i tell myself, i will nvr let my child acknowledge him no matter what he say or do. he knows where i live and where i worked too, but still it didnt stop me from stopping him. u must be firm, if not he will just keep trying his luck and end up tkaing your child away from u.

 

[shi_san_yee]

to be honest, in your case, i think, its best you talk to him and make an arrangement with him on what your son shld address him as, what are the future arrangements for your son, and the frequency of meeting him, etc. if possible, draft out a legal contract with him, regarding your son's custody, etc.
BUT one thing you have to ponder about, now your son is still young, but ever thought that, as he grows older n older, wont it occur to him that this "uncle" is his dad? if not why would this "uncle" meet him 3 times a week if he is just "mummy's friend"?
i think you have to be firm in what you want n once and for all thrash it out with him. either way, he is going to see your son, regardless he fights a case with you or not. now the best you can do is to minimise all the damage done.
has he consulted a lawyer yet? if not, get your lawyer to draft out a legal contract stating your ex will give you sole custody of your son, and also limit the frequency of meeting him, say instead of 3 times a week, make it 1 or 2 times per week, XX hours each time. make sure you state that he cant stay overnight at his place, and etc. by right, he has to pay maintenance fee for your child (regardless he acknowledge him or not), you can choose to take it or not, but since he has to give (by law) then just take and keep it aside for your son's future use (in case of emergency and education).
i know it is hard for you to accept your son calling your ex daddy, or even acknowledge him, but it has already happened,so try to do whats best for your son n yourself in the future. for me, frm the moment i decide to leave that person, i tell myself, i will never let my child acknowledge him no matter what he say or do. he knows where i live and where i worked too, but still it didnt stop me from stopping him. you must be firm, if not he will just keep trying his luck and end up tkaing your child away from you.

Thanks Ting,

Currently we meet up about twice a month, and it's always a few hours with me there. I just find it hard to tell his mum to stop 'bullying' my son just to 'hear him cry' and carrying him away far from my sight. i don't want to 打草惊蛇 by giving him a legal document to sign, he's not dumb, he knows his legal rights and anyway he will be unwilling to sign because he knows very well he's a very indecisive person, who changed his mind like the weather.

I've written a will, made sure my son has a legal guardian if i'm not around, and he will have to go through my 2 trustees to fight for custody. But beyond my control is his paternal rights; he still can get visitation rights, and I can only state that I will disallow any non-legal visitation rights. That's as much as the law can do.

As for addressing him, I will try my luck to refer to him as 'uncle' and see if he or his mum 'shoots' me, or will he call me up for another 'talk'.

Meanwhile my lawyer told me to guard myself well, make sure i have a stable job/income, baby is living in a safe/healthy environment, baby is able to grow normally under my care. Once all these are met, chances of him winning custody is low; my main concern now is not giving him room to attain legal visitation rights, or else i'll be obligated to make it weekly, and he can take baby wherever he wishes.

I'll still not take a cent from him (he's very very calculative), in case he claims he's been supporting us. I've also kept a record of every visit, every gift (including ang pow) and that I've received all in goodwill.

I forgot to check with lawyer (and I won't coz it's $150 for 15 mins), if a father does not meet the child for 3 years, it's considered as abandonment, and hence withdraws all legal rights, is that true? does anyone know this law?

 

[angiebaby]

if you dont like his mom to bully your son, just stop her on the face when she do it, and stop her from carry your son out of signt, tell him that if she do it again, either dunt bring her to meet up next time or dont meet them at all. you have to be firm, very firm. since you have no relationship with his family at all, therefore dont have to bother if you offended their parents or not.

for the abandon case im not sure, but since he is calculative, then maybe you can work from that part, if he want to have to right to be with your baby, he have to pay the price, i cant believe he accuse you that you use your baby to make him woo you back, tell him nobody ask him to do so. to be honest, if i were you, i smack him on the spot when he say that and will ban him for life to meet the baby.

for sure when you baby grow up, you can tell him that man is his father, but a irresponsible one, a jerk.

all i can think of is now you have to be firm on your ground otherwise he will keep push it and try his luck see how far he can go.

dont go and meet them, make them come and meet you, at your convience, when you happy and free, when you have mood.

 

[shi_san_yee]

if you dont like his mom to bully your son, just stop her on the face when she do it, and stop her from carry your son out of signt, tell him that if she do it again, either dunt bring her to meet up next time or dont meet them at all. you have to be firm, very firm. since you have no relationship with his family at all, therefore dont have to bother if you offended their parents or not.

for the abandon case im not sure, but since he is calculative, then maybe you can work from that part, if he want to have to right to be with your baby, he have to pay the price, i cant believe he accuse you that you use your baby to make him woo you back, tell him nobody ask him to do so. to be honest, if i were you, i smack him on the spot when he say that and will ban him for life to meet the baby.

for sure when you baby grow up, you can tell him that man is his father, but a irresponsible one, a jerk.

all i can think of is now you have to be firm on your ground otherwise he will keep push it and try his luck see how far he can go.

dont go and meet them, make them come and meet you, at your convience, when you happy and free, when you have mood.

i was too shocked to slap him when he questioned my intentions for letting him see the boy. I factually told him that his SIL dug to my FB and saw the photos then question me, so i had to tell him to tell her to stop it, coz i know he probably instigated it anyway. Anyway i make arrangements to meet, which is why i'm able to drag it to twice a mth and i intend to drag it longer, coz he told me if he could call me when he wants to meet, he will come and meet baby everyday!! So i lied that my parents aren't aware that i bring baby to see him, so that he will not come uninvited and esp when i'm working.

I was advised by the lawyer to keep a record of all the meetings, all the gifts/ang pows/clothes so that in the event he claims that he has been supporting my son's daily expenditure, i'll take the records and say it was received out of goodwill and i can return every single thing to him.

As for his mum, I don't know how to tell her off; i can only quickly give my son another biscuit, kind of like hinting to her. And when she carries him away, i will make it known that i'm watching, and sometimes will walk out of the cafe/restaurant to see where she's going. She's either thick or pure stupid not to get it; i guess i need to learn to be assertive.

My mum now feels bad and shares my regret for letting him see the baby for the first time; she pressured me and applied lots of guilt on me saying i'm an evil and lousy woman, not fit to be a model mother to my son for refusing to let him acknowledge the father. Now she sees my stress, but nothing much can be done now that all is done.

Like what Ting said, now it's no longer a choice of letting him see my son, but how to handle each time he sees the boy. And I'm gonna refer to him as 'uncle'; and prepare myself that he will ask for another "talk" to push his limits again....

 

[Mummy to Baby V]

The only little help I have for you:
Ensure your Facebook information and photos are completely private or shown to "Friends" only.
Remove the sister from your "Friends" list if she's in there. Be careful of who's in your Friends list (any common friend close to the Ex?), remove them if needed. This prevents him from getting unnecessary updates of you and baby.

As for the mum carrying your baby out of sight, be very assertive.

 

[shi_san_yee]

The only little help I have for you:
Ensure your Facebook information and photos are completely private or shown to "Friends" only.
Remove the sister from your "Friends" list if she's in there. Be careful of who's in your Friends list (any common friend close to the Ex?), remove them if needed. This prevents him from getting unnecessary updates of you and baby.

As for the mum carrying your baby out of sight, be very assertive.

yup done all that the moment his SIL pm me. I also deleted him, which i don't know if i should have done because now i can't see what he's posting up, but i know his profile picture is my son's photo. Someday someone might come ask me how come my son's photo on someone's FB profile.. i'll just say "psycho lor" hehe

 

[Ting]

Thanks Ting,

Currently we meet up about twice a month, and it's always a few hours with me there. I just find it hard to tell his mum to stop 'bullying' my son just to 'hear him cry' and carrying him away far from my sight. i don't want to 打草惊蛇 by giving him a legal document to sign, he's not dumb, he knows his legal rights and anyway he will be unwilling to sign because he knows very well he's a very indecisive person, who changed his mind like the weather.

I've written a will, made sure my son has a legal guardian if i'm not around, and he will have to go through my 2 trustees to fight for custody. But beyond my control is his paternal rights; he still can get visitation rights, and I can only state that I will disallow any non-legal visitation rights. That's as much as the law can do.

As for addressing him, I will try my luck to refer to him as 'uncle' and see if he or his mum 'shoots' me, or will he call me up for another 'talk'.

Meanwhile my lawyer told me to guard myself well, make sure i have a stable job/income, baby is living in a safe/healthy environment, baby is able to grow normally under my care. Once all these are met, chances of him winning custody is low; my main concern now is not giving him room to attain legal visitation rights, or else i'll be obligated to make it weekly, and he can take baby wherever he wishes.

I'll still not take a cent from him (he's very very calculative), in case he claims he's been supporting us. I've also kept a record of every visit, every gift (including ang pow) and that I've received all in goodwill.

I forgot to check with lawyer (and I won't coz it's $150 for 15 mins), if a father does not meet the child for 3 years, it's considered as abandonment, and hence withdraws all legal rights, is that true? does anyone know this law?

shi san yee, i understand your concerns, and the effort u are making is really impressive. if he knows his legal rights, then that would be a tougher case to "fight" if he ever wants to take custody of your son. as for the rule u mentioned, i think it is still best to seek advice frm your lawyer since he would know better? sry ah, cos i m not sure abt this thing. =X
as for the mum taking your son out of your sight, its really so sickening, maybe u can "prewarn" your ex that u dont like it, and u have the rights to stop her since u r the mother.

LOL, my ex told me he wanted to see my girl and say he DONT MIND if she just call him uncle n and not daddy.. i told him: you dont mind, but i MIND! i dont even want her to know of your existance!

 

[angiebaby]

shi san yee, i understand your concerns, and the effort you are making is really impressive. if he knows his legal rights, then that would be a tougher case to "fight" if he ever wants to take custody of your son. as for the rule you mentioned, i think it is still best to seek advice frm your lawyer since he would know better? sry , cos i m not sure about this thing. =X
as for the mum taking your son out of your sight, its really so sickening, maybe you can "prewarn" your ex that you dont like it, and you have the rights to stop her since you r the mother.

LOL, my ex told me he wanted to see my girl and say he DONT MIND if she just call him uncle n and not daddy.. i told him: you dont mind, but i MIND! i dont even want her to know of your existance!

:notworthy:

 

[mamapenguin]

Just curious... what are you afraid of? That your bf will take custody of your son? In Singapore, given your circumstance, that's virtually impossible. Women's Charter here will not allow it to happen. I'm just wondering what your fears are that you rather lie to your son about his father than be honest and open about it. One day he will find out and you risk hurting him. It is a big deal for a child. Knowing you have a father.

 

[shi_san_yee]

Just curious... what are you afraid of? That your bf will take custody of your son? In Singapore, given your circumstance, that's virtually impossible. Women's Charter here will not allow it to happen. I'm just wondering what your fears are that you rather lie to your son about his father than be honest and open about it. One day he will find out and you risk hurting him. It is a big deal for a child. Knowing you have a father.

My main fear is that once my son knows who is father is; and seeing that since his father doesn't get to see him often, would spoil him rotten. Kids have this tendency to favour the 'fun' parent. Once that happens, that man will assume that my son wants to be with him more because he is 'fun'. I know as long as i have a will drawn up and guardians for my son, he will not get the custody of the boy even if i'm no longer around. I just don't wish for him to have a hold on me, or worse, to have legal regular visitation rights weekly. I'm very selfish in that sense.

As for telling the boy about his father, I would not lie that he doesn't have one, and I don't wish to tell him anything negative about him (read somewhere that it warps the mind of the child). I can't say the same if that man tells my son negative things about me. One of the reasons I'm letting the boy see the father is also that when he does find out who his father is, that he has a father and knows how he looks like, how he is, that he can put a face to the name.

The father has a tendency to change his mind about things, and has changed his mind about wanting to acknowledge the boy, and once telling me to leave him alone. I won't be surprised that he would want my son to change surname, go to his place to 'meet the relatives' etc. And when the father eventually has his own family and kids? He might feel that it's a hassle keeping up with the boy (and me), then decide to stop the meetings. IF i do get married, that man has told me he has no problems with me stopping these visits, because i have a new family to care for. I am very sure the story will change; he won't allow my son to use my new husband's surname, might even fight with me over my son because men just cannot 'lose'.

I don't know if these will happen but knowing his character, I'm just covering the bases. The immediate future is not so much the problem; the far future and the problems he could potentially bring is much greater.

 

[mamapenguin]

You are the main caregiver to your child. He spends his formative years mostly with you. If you bring him up proper and lay the cards out early on I don't think it'll be a problem. He will always choose to be with you. Have faith in yourself and in your son. Remember, mommy's little boy. It's true.

 

[shi_san_yee]

shi san yee, i understand your concerns, and the effort you are making is really impressive. if he knows his legal rights, then that would be a tougher case to "fight" if he ever wants to take custody of your son. as for the rule you mentioned, i think it is still best to seek advice frm your lawyer since he would know better? sry , cos i m not sure about this thing. =X
as for the mum taking your son out of your sight, its really so sickening, maybe you can "prewarn" your ex that you dont like it, and you have the rights to stop her since you r the mother.

LOL, my ex told me he wanted to see my girl and say he DONT MIND if she just call him uncle n and not daddy.. i told him: you dont mind, but i MIND! i dont even want her to know of your existance!

hahah yah same lor he also told me he DON'T MIND my son calling him godpa; he doesn't seem to get it lor

i tried telling her not to take him too far, giving the excuse that baby needs to be able to see me otherwise he will fret and cry... she tell me "我就是不要他看到你“，dun want my son to see me... my ex knows i'm not comfortable, coz i will stand up and walk to where i can still see her while still in the restaurant, but she often goes too far away.
so i thought if my son is taking his nap they will just quietly see and not disturb him. i was wrong. they will PAT him harder than i would, then he will wake up, then can play. So the poor boy cries because he's still tired, they say he's a cranky fella with a bad temper. sounds psycho to me lor.

 

[shi_san_yee]

You are the main caregiver to your child. He spends his formative years mostly with you. If you bring him up proper and lay the cards out early on I don't think it'll be a problem. He will always choose to be with you. Have faith in yourself and in your son. Remember, mommy's little boy. It's true.

i hope so. bringing up a kid is so tough, and it gets tougher when i know there are critical eyes watching me.

 

[IcyTaz]

true, and i really regretted giving in to his request the very first time, too late now. these days i limit meetings to once every 3 weeks, trying to lessen the frequency. i know he will pester me or worse, my parents if i 'disappear' and stop the meetings. he knows where i work/live, i scared he come and pester me. i don't wanna live in fear not knowing when he'll appear to see the child, which is why i'd rather make it amicable. but i never told him i will let my son acknowledge him.

i also consulted a lawyer and (unfortunately) as long as the man is the child's natural father (whether or not he wanted the child), he has a case; only whether he wants to take it up to court. and if all that happens and he secures legal parental rights, then i'll be legally obligated to let him have time with my son. i'm trying to avoid that totally. i'm afraid that by not letting him see the boy anymore, i'll trigger him to fight it out with me.

Hi,

can i know what's the firm or lawyer you consult? is it ex?
i'm in a similar situation. would like to soought for opinions.

Thanks