Soon to be single..

[glam-mummy]

I'm a soon to be single mum. Been married for 2 coming 3 year. Through out my marriage this wasn't as smooth sailing for us. The moment we moved in to our matrimonial flat, he started to get violent. We would have physical fights even throught out my pregnancy. After a while I stopped Being physical. He didn't stop. Throughout all these fights, he said that I was the one who started. He said I provoked him with the things I say. I admit I was not the best wife and I did really crazy and extreme things when we were fighting.

I've gotten a PPO against him and on Christmas day, he hit me again. I reported him to the police, he kept saying that I'm selfish and I nv think for our son if he have to go to jail. He said he loved me a lot and he can't believe that I called the police for these type of family matter. He said he dont deserve all these from me since I was the one who provoked him with my words. To him, he felt ashame to have a wife like me who reports her own husband to the police.

Now he is seeking a lawyer to file for a separation. I'm feeling very upset and slightly depressed. I worked so hard to keep this family together. Till date, even aft I reported him to the police, I state this is a family issue and I do not want to bring this matter to court.

Has anyone been through similar situation? How can I move on with my life? Each time before I sleep, I keep thinking about we used to cuddle each other to bed, I don't know how to fall asleep without crying myself to bed.

 

[engel]

He hits you... And it was worst when he hits you when you were pregnant...Isn't that contradicting when he claims he loves you...

It may b hard and hurting but leaving him would seem to b a good choice... Who knows he ends up hitting your son one day....
I'm sure you and your son deserve better...

I'm a soon to be single mum. Been married for 2 coming 3 year. Through out my marriage this wasn't as smooth sailing for us. The moment we moved in to our matrimonial flat, he started to get violent. We would have physical fights even throught out my pregnancy. After a while I stopped Being physical. He didn't stop. Throughout all these fights, he said that I was the one who started. He said I provoked him with the things I say. I admit I was not the best wife and i did really crazy and extreme things when we were fighting.

I've gotten a PPO against him and on Christmas day, he hit me again. I reported him to the police, he kept saying that I'm selfish and I never think for our son if he have to go to jail. He said he loved me a lot and he can't believe that I called the police for these type of family matter. He said he dont deserve all these from me since I was the one who provoked him with my words. To him, he felt ashame to have a wife like me who reports her own husband to the police.

Now he is seeking a lawyer to file for a separation. I'm feeling very upset and slightly depressed. I worked so hard to keep this family together. Till date, even after I reported him to the police, I state this is a family issue and I do not want to bring this matter to court.

Has anyone been through similar situation? How can I move on with my life? Each time before I sleep, I keep thinking about we used to cuddle each other to bed, I dont't know how to fall asleep without crying myself to bed.

 

[Mandy Wong]

is he physically violent or does he have such bad temper before married?

 

[Gem2505]

i personally think that being violent during arguements will not solve the problem, rather, make it worst.
if he can lay hands on you when u're pregnant and didnt stop such act till then, most likely, he will cont to be like this.

althou we're not encouraging you to leave him, but i think, leaving him could be a better choice. you wont know such violent act will double up & cant imagine the result in what kind of injury. is he very stress at work or any other factors that made him like this?

personally, if my hubby does that to me, thats the end. i wont give in, i wont accept him anymore. no matter what kind of sugar talks, its pointless. this kind of violent act, will only worsen and get even more violent the next time round.

better to "run for life" with your kid and leave him. are you still living with him now? do u feel safe?

 

[feathers]

It is bad enough that he is violent, it is worse than he didn't see it as an issue and blame you for his actions. He is not remorseful and as long as he didn't think it is an issue, he will do it again, and again, and again. You can keep giving chances but he will only get worse. I'm not being pessimistic, I've been there. I gave one chance after another till the day it got to the point where he strangle me. I left, I couldn't give another chance and regret should I lose my life the next round.

My case was similar to yours, it only started after we move into our matrimonial flat. For the past 2 to 3 years we were dating, there was no sign of violence towards me or extreme bad temper. I guess that he wasn't ready for the commitment of moving forward in marriage and he feels suffocated therefore turned violent. Yours try to make it look like your fault that he went for separation but it could be what he really wants to do just that he's waiting for an excuse to do it. Regardless of what excuses there are, they are afterall excuses cuz there is no good reason why a husband should lay his hands on his wife.

How can you trust this person again, your husband should be the one who protect you from others and yet he is the very same person who hurt you. I believe physical violence is much worse than infidelity, at least I can try to convince myself that my partner didn't think we'll find out about the affair and didn't think I'll get hurt but physical violence, how can I find any excuse for him? Think about this, the reality is in his face, he is WATCHING while he lay blows on you. Witnessing the pain to your body and hurt on your face does nothing to him, does that sound like someone who loves you?

We all go through the period where we feel we put in so much, we worked hard and we hope so much to see results in our marriage but unfortunately things don't always turn out the way we wanted. You tried your best but marriage take more than just one person's work. Don't blame yourself for not being perfect, nobody is, don't blame yourself for anything you think may result in his actions. If he is not a violent person, he will never be no matter what you do. Don't blame yourself for not seeing the signs and married him, I was searching so hard to find the tell tale signs that my ex husband was a violent person before I married him because everyone keep telling me I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. There was a point I felt like maybe I did missed the signs and I deserved it cuz I was stupid and blind. There is no way we know, people change. I don't know if anyone told you this but I heard it lots during my time, people always try to push some fault on me when they heard what my ex husband did so they always say "it takes two hands to clap", you can always remind them "Yes, it takes two hands to clap but don't forget it only take one hand to slap".

You are better off without him, you deserve so much more. Be strong, one day you will look back, smile and be happy you had the strength to make the right choice for yourself and your son.

 

[glam-mummy]

He wasn't violent before we got married. We would usually try to compromise each other. There was only once when we were dating that he kicked me once on my leg during one of our quarrel but immediately regretted it and stopped.

 

[glam-mummy]

At this point in time, he still thinks that I'm selfish and only thinks about myself and not him.

He said he never had the heart to get a PPO against me nor to get a medical report to sue me. And wonder how do I have the heart to do all these to him if I love him.

He is making me doubt myself. I admit there are times that I get really unreasonable, and not watch what I say which ticks him off bad.

He says I shouldnt blame it on communication breakdown since we do talk. But I noticed that whenever we are out, we do not laugh at each other nor do we tease each other and have fun like other couple anymore. The only thing that we laugh about is the action our son does. If its just the both of us, we do not laugh and joke much. Meal times would usually be really quiet.

Am I right to assume that something there is missing between us?

 

[pixie]

Do you still love your husband? You might wonder why would I ask you this question. Lets face it and be real. We, women are very emotional and sentimental (though some women can be quite an exception) even though the man has hit/harm us, we will still want to be with him simply because we still in love with him. From your thread, I sense that you love your husband even though some mummies have advised you to move on but who are we to tell you what to do?

At this stage, do you think your husband is willing to talk to you calming and take suggestions in a rational manner? Go for counselling together if both of you still love each other and want to work out this marriage. It's no point if it's just one-sided.

Next, as you have stated that you can be unreasonable and say some cruel words to your husband during the fight, so you might want to do some soul-search by asking yourself if you could refrain from repeating doing this? We all know that in a fight, we are in the fit of anger and will have the tenancy to say unkind words. Perhaps just adopt a different method - walk away if you are close to 'exploding' to avoid saying something which you will regret later.

Ask your husband why did he turn into physical as it could be due to stress or is he an alcoholic? I am not sure how old he is, but if he is much older than you, he might be going through mid-life crisis or menopause phase which some people couldn't handle it well. So for that, he must seek treatment. It's nothing to be ashamed about if he knows he is going through all these to save the marriage.

It takes 2 hands to clap. You did not walk into the church or on the red carpet alone - both of you did it together. So if something happens to a marriage; always look at it on various angles; you might be able to see/understand things that your husband is going through.

I am against family violence but now that you have a child, the marriage is not just about you or your husband, you have to think for your child as well. After trying all these, if your husband refuses to seek professional help or feel remorseful; then at least you know you have tried your utmost to salvage your marriage and not wonder (some years down the road) that you could have done something before it broke down.

For whatever decision you made, I hope you have the courage to face it and find a solution that will resolve this problem w/o having to file for a divorce. But if it were to happen, be brave.

May God bless and protect you and your family.

 

[extremepower]

Violence is definitely a nono. Seek a family counsellor near your place on how to handle violence and move on to find a father for the kid. Of course you and anyone else are not perfect, the counsellor may be able to advice on how to communicate better.

 

[katsigner]

Domestic violence is not something common and it happens everywhere... The reason why we fight physically is to prove something within us that is not fairly justified & this could be a way to show the other party "I'm not happy and I need to show it out to make you understand I'm indeed not happy with you"...

I personally had one such incident with my hubby, and what's worst that could have happened was we actually fought in front of his mother that she had to tear us apart... It was indeed painful and hurtful when you beat and was beaten by someone that you had once walked through the marriage aisle and took the marriage vows together... At that point of time, all you could think of is to find 101 reason why this is happening to you... On surface you know it was wrong to get involve in such physical fights; it's only natural for your human instinct to teach you to find ways to protect yourself... When your husband received a PPO from you, it's only natural for him to think you're selfish but that doesn't means he dont't love you... His further action to seek for separation might means a way to setting you & himself free 'cos it was too tiring to be in such a violent relationship with you...

The institutional of marriage is supposed to be blissful and this brought us to think why right at the first place we want to marry the person we love... Most importantly, there must be love in existence or else it will never brought 2 person together... I personally had gone through counselling, talking to friends to assist me to find a solution to my problems... But what I can share here is counselors are trained via textbooks and they can only advice you based on the risks you're facing in your marriage... They act as mediators and not all can really assist you to find a solution you and your hubby think that will be the best... Friends and relatives are often biased and they'll tend to side you... Even it was only natural for them to advice you to leave your husband, inside within you this is not really what you want...

If you truly think that this marriage is not something worth for you to hold on to, you wouldn't feel so depress and post this in this forum in hope to find some sort of consolation to settle your heart down a little... I know it's hard but you've to know how much you love this man of yours; your heart matters the most... Once you're absolutely clear on this, you'll know what to do next...

 

[glam-mummy]

Till now, he has not felt any remorse. He still thinks that I'm doing it to ruin him. It getting very tired.

I asked him, how do u feel aft u hit me. His reply was Nothing. I'm immune to e outcome frm u. U provoke me to hit u. If u nv provoke me, I won't hit u.

I may still love him. And I'm willing to go thru councilling etc to try to find a leverage. He doesnt think so. He feels that we should solve internally, but the problem is, we cant handle, we dont know how to solve it together. The only reason why I got a PPO was for us to attend councilling.

I know I have to try to find a way to cool off when things get bad, and walking away works for me. But he don't allow me to do that. The moment I walk away, he get angrier. I've tried to explain to him that he have to let me walk away so that I don't talk nonsense. He don't understand.

I've decided to go seek a lawyer to handle our separation. Over the past years, we only bring out the ugly side of each other. He deserve better and so do I.

Having our son witness the worst side of us is not something that We want, rather be painful now to end it then having my son suffer the after-effects of everything.

 

[katsigner]

It seems like you both do love each other, and indeed have tried to resolve the problems you both are facing... It's just that you and him presented it differently but the hidden meaning is simply the same... Very often, in real factual life, things will often happen not the way you expected to be... Therefore, you've to keep in mind that what you expect to happen after trying resolving a problem might not be always what you expect... Also, you cannot insist things should happen the way you want... That's the reason why human conflicts keep arising when both parties trying to resolve a problem with an expectation that things should happen the way they want from each other...

Human are emotional beings and we are flexible... If one of us are able to be more real and learn to accept the way how the other party reacted and fully accept what has been portrayed in front of us, it will be easier for us to talk things out and come out a solution that will work... It seems easier to say than done... But if you truly want to keep this man in your life, you have to tell him very honestly how you feel after being abused by him, not asking him instead... It's only natural for him to keep thinking that "It's you who provoke me first!!! It's you who is the cause of everything!!! I don't think I'm wrong!!!" One good thing is he'd want to resolve this internally with you w/o any external parties, which shows he still loves you... Men in world history are beings of pride and they are meant to head the household... That's why they are wired to resolve problems and take charge of major decisions... Women on the other hand, is created to be helper of men... As women, we are supposed to guide and support our husband's decisions and assist them in running the household... For men who can't get this fundamental support from their women in tend to fall into fidelity, domestic violence and other forms of debaucheries like drugs, gambling and alcohol... This trend has not been changed even women nowadays have become more independent and modernized... This speaks the reason why this society has so many martial & domestic problems and divorce rates are raising...

Believe it or not, one man once told me nothing can fully capture a man's heart but only a gentle and understanding woman... No men will married a women they don't truly love unless she's loaded with monies... To a lot of feminists like myself can rebuke this statement, but I can tell you this is the key to resolve all problems you faced... Thank God we are now living in an era of civilisation, therefore we have a lot of room to rectify the mistakes we made... Humans have the ability to feel guilty... Instead of trying to get the outcome you want, why not approach to resolve the problem the other way round??? Since your husband want to resolve this internally, abide to his wish and hear him out instead... Keep "You" out from your conversation 'cos that's an indication of blaming... Use "I" in the entire conversation... All you need to do is to let him know how you feel after all these abuses you got from him all these years and what you want in this relationship... Most importantly, if you still love him, you have to let him know... During the conversation, you might receive hurtful replies and comments from him and these are just very natural for men to present this way as a form of their pride... If you can look things far more ahead, you will be able to lower down your defense and resolve this peacefully and amicably with him... Of course, don't expect things will resolve overnight and you got to be patient...

 

[youknowsue]

so true about men is wired with pride and ego. Perhaps I'm such a alpha female that's why he went for fidelity... but i believe it needs 2 hands to clap and it's also due to his lack of pro-activeness in all aspects of marriage which cause me to take charge.