what would you do?

[mummyathometo3]

ok..i'm trying to be calm. i found pictures of women on hubby folders. not naked women...just their faces. i know he chats up w these women. i've already told him that i dont't like it..we even quarrel about it. he said it's just for fun. i know he doesn't physically cheat on me cos he's at home aftter work and i have access to his bank acct. i 'm still upset that he talk to them. i have not seen any of those chats myself but i know it does involve sex. question is should i confront him w the pictures? does cheating over the internet consider as cheating?

 

[missyqiqi]

for me is still consider cheating.

Try talking to him again. Tell him if u r the one doing this with those guys on internet see what will he do. I don't think he like it also.

 

[mummyathometo3]

i've asked him. He just kept quiet abt the part talking to other guys how wld he feel. This actually have been happening since we were dating but i had thought that it wld stop gradually. It's been 11yrs and it's still happening!! seriously, i'm getting really tired tackling this. It's not like our sex life is boring.it's not. So i hv no idea why wld he do it. i'm dissapointed

 

[xiaodaisy]

is it a habit of his since wen dating he's alrdy like tat , maybe get him to see a councilor might help?

or maybe u both talked lesser after married? thats why he find other girls to chat with him? what is the chatting always abt?

if its quite normal den maybe dont worry too much as long it dont contains those like more revealing words , will it be ok for u ?

 

[angelababi]

ok..i'm trying to be calm. i found pictures of women on hubby folders. not naked women...just their faces. i know he chats up w these women. i've already told him that i dont't like it..we even quarrel about it. he said it's just for fun. i know he doesn't physically cheat on me cos he's at home aftter work and i have access to his bank acct. i 'm still upset that he talk to them. i have not seen any of those chats myself but i know it does involve sex. question is should i confront him w the pictures? does cheating over the internet consider as cheating?

hi erm sorry to say ..to me i consider that as cheating.. mental betray... thou.. and i will confront him with the pics... sad to say since he already like that since you dating then its a habit of him.. such habit may still follow him even thou he's married..
firstly do you still want to maintain this marriage with him.. are you able to forgive him.. i know gaining back the trust is hard .. if you still want to maintain this marriage maybe you can consider getting a consultor .. it does help
second , is he too stress on work and you hardly communicate with him.. so he turn to others to talk.. this you need to communicate with him to find out.. talk to him ..

 

[mayyamaysha]

I have chatted with afew chatters from here (and other forums) before (mostly to exchg parenting tips) and some are daddies. Mostly they are nice but there are afew who seem to be wolf in sheep costume. 3 of them started asking abt my love life and dared to talk abt sex even tho I told them i don't feel comfy talking abt it with them. And I have asked before why they think it's ok to talk abt it with other women (I'm happily married somemore) and they said they are not cheating cos it doesn't involve real sex. And when I asked the 3 of them what is lacking that led them to chat with other ladies, they said nothing. Their wives are sexellent in bed. They just find it exciting to chat with other ladies. Oh my god I so pity their wives. ( I immediately ignored and deleted them from my msn/ym and now if anyone wants to add me, I am extra cautious.

Since u said ur hubby has been doing it the past 11 years, then it's most probably a very bad habit that will require intervention. Go see a counselor, or u can call AWARE hotline to ask for advice. *big hug* u can get through this.

 

[angelababi]

I have chatted with afew chatters from here (and other forums) before (mostly to exchg parenting tips) and some are daddies. Mostly they are nice but there are afew who seem to be wolf in sheep costume. 3 of them started asking abt my love life and dared to talk abt sex even tho I told them i don't feel comfy talking abt it with them. And I have asked before why they think it's ok to talk abt it with other women (I'm happily married somemore) and they said they are not cheating cos it doesn't involve real sex. And when I asked the 3 of them what is lacking that led them to chat with other ladies, they said nothing. Their wives are sexellent in bed. They just find it exciting to chat with other ladies. Oh my god I so pity their wives. ( I immediately ignored and deleted them from my msn/ym and now if anyone wants to add me, I am extra cautious.

Since u said ur hubby has been doing it the past 11 years, then it's most probably a very bad habit that will require intervention. Go see a counselor, or u can call AWARE hotline to ask for advice. *big hug* u can get through this.

hi mayyamaysha .. me too i had meet some wolf in sheep costume too.. talking to those daddy easily to test out thou... and once tested out immed ignored..

 

[mummyathometo3]

is it a habit of his since wen dating he's alrdy like tat , maybe get him to see a councilor might help?

or maybe u both talked lesser after married? thats why he find other girls to chat with him? what is the chatting always abt?

if its quite normal den maybe dont worry too much as long it dont contains those like more revealing words , will it be ok for u ?

Probably. I'm not talking abt normal chats here. That one, i'm not concern abt. I know who are his (girl)friends. I'm talking abt dirty talks, abt sexual positions and stuffs. And i know what i'm talking abt cos i saw a few chats before. He'll close/switch the windows when he realised i'm looking.

 

[mummyathometo3]

hi erm sorry to say ..to me i consider that as cheating.. mental betray... thou.. and i will confront him with the pics... sad to say since he already like that since you dating then its a habit of him.. such habit may still follow him even thou he's married..
firstly do you still want to maintain this marriage with him.. are you able to forgive him.. i know gaining back the trust is hard .. if you still want to maintain this marriage maybe you can consider getting a consultor .. it does help
second , is he too stress on work and you hardly communicate with him.. so he turn to others to talk.. this you need to communicate with him to find out.. talk to him ..

stress at work? It's at work which he frequently chat/lookout for strangers with similar sexual interests like him.

Yup, i have to talk to him again, he likes to avoid talking abt it when I mention abt it. He'll just keep quiet and give me the cold shoulder the next day. It makes me feel like i'm the guilty one for bringing up the issue, finding fault with him. I'm frustrated that he didn't wanna communicate...how am i suppose to know what is wrong?!

 

[mummyathometo3]

I have chatted with afew chatters from here (and other forums) before (mostly to exchg parenting tips) and some are daddies. Mostly they are nice but there are afew who seem to be wolf in sheep costume. 3 of them started asking abt my love life and dared to talk abt sex even tho I told them i don't feel comfy talking abt it with them. And I have asked before why they think it's ok to talk abt it with other women (I'm happily married somemore) and they said they are not cheating cos it doesn't involve real sex. And when I asked the 3 of them what is lacking that led them to chat with other ladies, they said nothing. Their wives are sexellent in bed. They just find it exciting to chat with other ladies. Oh my god I so pity their wives. ( I immediately ignored and deleted them from my msn/ym and now if anyone wants to add me, I am extra cautious.

Since u said ur hubby has been doing it the past 11 years, then it's most probably a very bad habit that will require intervention. Go see a counselor, or u can call AWARE hotline to ask for advice. *big hug* u can get through this.

That's the kinda chat i'm talking abt.
and thank you for the hug, really needed it!

 

[panpan]

stress at work? It's at work which he frequently chat/lookout for strangers with similar sexual interests like him.

Yup, i have to talk to him again, he likes to avoid talking abt it when I mention abt it. He'll just keep quiet and give me the cold shoulder the next day. It makes me feel like i'm the guilty one for bringing up the issue, finding fault with him. I'm frustrated that he didn't wanna communicate...how am i suppose to know what is wrong?!

hey hey, i empathise with your situation... i also will not tolerate such behavoir. Coz i feel that if one does allow this to happen, who knows what will happen in the future? Normal conversation is okay.. but anything relating to sexual discussion is definately a no no with the opposite gender!

I guess for guys, they tend to clamp up when it comes to issues when they cannot win when argued or issues that hurt their ego. One suggestion is to make a strong stand that you will not tolerate such behaviour and it will result in a certain action that you will do. Of course, do also mention that you also want to know what's going on so that you both can work it out.

It's easier said than done.. but if you two can communicate, things can work out better..

(I have a similar situation.. on different topics and issue that nearly led to a "separation" but after arguing for so long, we decided on a common ground.)

I do hope you will be able to work this out with your hubby.

 

[mummyathometo3]

hey hey, i empathise with your situation... i also will not tolerate such behavoir. Coz i feel that if one does allow this to happen, who knows what will happen in the future? Normal conversation is okay.. but anything relating to sexual discussion is definately a no no with the opposite gender!

I guess for guys, they tend to clamp up when it comes to issues when they cannot win when argued or issues that hurt their ego. One suggestion is to make a strong stand that you will not tolerate such behaviour and it will result in a certain action that you will do. Of course, do also mention that you also want to know what's going on so that you both can work it out.

It's easier said than done.. but if you two can communicate, things can work out better..

(I have a similar situation.. on different topics and issue that nearly led to a "separation" but after arguing for so long, we decided on a common ground.)

I do hope you will be able to work this out with your hubby.

Thanks for the advice. Yup, i hope he's willing to talk things out and not avoid the issue anymore.
And let me clarify something, I'm all for him trying to improve his "skills" in bed but please do so openly in discussion like a forum(like this one) NOT private chat one-to-one! I don't see how 1 to 1 private sharing of intimate details help in a marriage unless of course the partner is ok with it and/or involve in those private chats.

 

[ling.er]

Last time i also did found a pix on my hubb mobile.. & is a half naked woman pix.. I did confin him the very next min. At first he also keep quiet & conti his thing... I gt angry N sad ... & I ask again.. He then told mi is was a prank from his fren/ collgu.. Cos he ownseld also duno tat his mobile had the pix ...

Girl, Try ask again if u really wana knw the ans... My hubb is aso a quiet Guy... We normal TALK thru SMS !!!


But to me chat in internet or other i will also piss out if he too over....

 

[angelababi]

stress at work? It's at work which he frequently chat/lookout for strangers with similar sexual interests like him.

Yup, i have to talk to him again, he likes to avoid talking abt it when I mention abt it. He'll just keep quiet and give me the cold shoulder the next day. It makes me feel like i'm the guilty one for bringing up the issue, finding fault with him. I'm frustrated that he didn't wanna communicate...how am i suppose to know what is wrong?!

hi sis .. so you mean is dirty chat.. i thought he only like to chat with girl.. okay for what i see he avoid talking about it.. as he might feel guy is normal to behave this way..as all guy like sex...the kick exciting talking dirty chat with other woman .. this is last time two of those "daddies" said when i test them out too.. some even said they want to have the best of their sex life with wife .. so they want to know other woman sex drive , sex position and etc... worst they like the process chatting this with other woman... "faint"
Btw is your hubby very high in sex drive..??
Talk to your hubby again.. see how..
Be firm and give him your last warning.. that you will do in a certain action .. see how he reacts
lastly sorry to say ..if he really dont want to communicate.. i suggest you find consultor .. as this is a habit ..
BE STRONG! Hope you will be able to work this out with your hubby !

 

[noelsmum]

i've asked him. He just kept quiet abt the part talking to other guys how wld he feel. This actually have been happening since we were dating but i had thought that it wld stop gradually. It's been 11yrs and it's still happening!! seriously, i'm getting really tired tackling this. It's not like our sex life is boring.it's not. So i hv no idea why wld he do it. i'm dissapointed

I'm sorry to tell you that this is not going to go away. When you guys were dating he was already doing it and after marriage, do you think he'll stop? He has already married you and he knows that you wont leave him because you have 3 kids (I'm guessing by your nick). He has the upper hand now. The only way that he'll stop if you are serious and give him an ultimatum. Tell him that if you don't stop what you're doing with the other women, I would do XYZ( please do no threaten him with your life or your children's lives but with something that is legal and something that you will really follow through). And see what he says. Be strong about it.

 

[mummyathometo3]

Thanks all for your replies.

I sense the same too...it's not going to go away till i give him the ultimatum. I've tolerated enough of this emotional torture. Either this habit of his go or he goes. I'm not go anywhere this is my home. i'm gonna bring him back from his fantasy world and face the real life. If he love me and the kids, he should not continue this undesirable habit which does not benefit our family at all. I admit sometimes i take it out on the kids when the thought of him chatting undesirably comes to my mind.It's not healthy at all and i'm gonna put a stop to it once and for all. I'm gonna make sure he fully understand that i mean it this time. no more avoiding and sweeping the problem under the carpet.

 

[MrZQ]

Try to control your emotions and dont take it out on the kids because they are innocent and not the one to cheat on you. Give him a final warning and maybe you can do the same way and let him have a taste of his own medicine and chat with guys and let him feel the emotion pain.

 

[angelababi]

Thanks all for your replies.

I sense the same too...it's not going to go away till i give him the ultimatum. I've tolerated enough of this emotional torture. Either this habit of his go or he goes. I'm not go anywhere this is my home. i'm gonna bring him back from his fantasy world and face the real life. If he love me and the kids, he should not continue this undesirable habit which does not benefit our family at all. I admit sometimes i take it out on the kids when the thought of him chatting undesirably comes to my mind.It's not healthy at all and i'm gonna put a stop to it once and for all. I'm gonna make sure he fully understand that i mean it this time. no more avoiding and sweeping the problem under the carpet.

Gald that you know what you going to do now.. and please dont take it out on your kids.. cause they are the most innocent one no matter what happen between the adults.. they always your sweet little angels.. plus it bad to their mental and emotion side effect if you alway take it out on them..
Anyway Be strong Sis !

 

[sweetflame]

I guess the best thing to do is to talk to your husband nicely and open up. DOnt fight with him. Use your charm as a woman to let him know you're hurt.
And to help you stay cool why dont you try these shower products that make bath time a blast. Pamper yourself so that you feel good.

 

[pixie]

Yes, this is what I have noticed when some of the so-called daddies registered on a MUMS forum but they only respond to some sex related questions only. They might think that the mummies here are not able to spot their sexually exploit character until they were told to stop probing; of course some of these men just too shameless and will continue to ask about others' sexual behaviour even though they have been told to stop.

Perhaps someone should start a 'Colour Wolf' topic and start to name those shameless daddies. This hopefully will help those newly joined mummies to stay away from them.

I have chatted with afew chatters from here (and other forums) before (mostly to exchg parenting tips) and some are daddies. Mostly they are nice but there are afew who seem to be wolf in sheep costume. 3 of them started asking abt my love life and dared to talk abt sex even tho I told them i don't feel comfy talking abt it with them. And I have asked before why they think it's ok to talk abt it with other women (I'm happily married somemore) and they said they are not cheating cos it doesn't involve real sex. And when I asked the 3 of them what is lacking that led them to chat with other ladies, they said nothing. Their wives are sexellent in bed. They just find it exciting to chat with other ladies. Oh my god I so pity their wives. ( I immediately ignored and deleted them from my msn/ym and now if anyone wants to add me, I am extra cautious.

Since u said ur hubby has been doing it the past 11 years, then it's most probably a very bad habit that will require intervention. Go see a counselor, or u can call AWARE hotline to ask for advice. *big hug* u can get through this.