nora23
Member
Mommies, I've been keeping this inside of me for so long that I need to know from fellow mommies here your view.
I'm happily married with a very caring and loyal husband. We are blessed with 2 princesses. Hubby is 34 and I'm 24. Our girls are 3 and 9 mths old. We have been married for 4 yrs and counting.
Hubby is actually my 1st love's (will address him as F) best childhood friends. They were like buddies since pri 1, living in the same estate as him, in Eunos. Hubby moved out of Eunos after we were married. But MIL is still in Eunos. In short, Eunos is like hubby's and F's kampong. Childhood kampong.
Till this very day, I will feel so much hurt going to Eunos. I'm telling the story why...
Before I met hubby, I was with F. Got to know him when i was 18 thru MIRC. Dat time, me, being a homely, innocent and naive girl, decided to try out MIRC during my poly break. So F approached me and we chatted. I did not have anything in mind. Later we exchanged numbers and he began calling me. I did not like him at first, and thought of him as nuisance. But ya, I gave my no. and we became friends.
It took about 5 mths from that hate to turn into love (eventhough I was 18, I knew that it was Love indeed). I never felt this way before from my past relationships.Never. I was 18 and he was 28. Those random calls from him became a daily thing. I was from a very strict family and I cant talk after 7pm nor use the net. And I cant go out either. So u can imagine how was our relationship like. But each day before 7pm, we will talk, at times making full use of the time up till 7.01pm!
We shared everything about ourselves, everything. We laughed, we cried, we quarrelled, we became intimate,all that over the phone.
It was after a year that I told my mum (she was not so strict like my dad) that I loved someone and knew that he is the one. F and I decided to meet for e very 1st time.
It was a saturday noon, I waited at Marsiling mrt station. He didnt show up untill after 6 hrs. I cant believe I actually waited, sat, watching every face that go by, hoping it was him. Well I did saw his pic before. In my hand, I held his favourite drink root beer. He doesnt have a mobile so I waited. And he called, from home that he is late. I was so mad but decided to wait as he said he'll reach in 45 mins time. I sat n pondered, I was sad, but happy too as Im gona meet my 1st love! God knows how much I love that man. (I'm tearing already now)
Then, a man approached me. That familar voice. I turned up and saw F for the very 1st time. My heart skipped a beat. Instantly, my anger vanished. The love for him was just too overwhelming. But.... he looked so much different from e passport-sized pic he posted months ago. The pic showed a fair gentleman, with neatly cropped hair. But F in reality is a lil tanned, with long unkept shoulder length hair. He looked so.....unkept and very nervous. But all else, remains as per the tele-conversations.
We stood at the tiny bridge watching the sunset together. And held hands while gazing at each other's eyes. It felt like a fairytale for an 18-yr old daddy's girl. I did not knw that was the last time I ever saw him...my first love.
F knew that I cant go out often, have to do it secretly, with the help of mom. Our relationship continued for another year....the same old thing, thru the phone. Each day we will talk. And the conversations were long. We shared more each day. I manage to sneakily speak on the phone after 7pm... till 6am next morn. It was a tele-relationship but it was so real as if he is here with me. He said he is willing to wait for me finish studies.
Then I noticed some changes in him. He will MIA just all out of a sudden for like a week. And will call me then. I asked him why and he kept on saying its his studies and project attachemnets etc. Then soon after, it became more frequent. I was at lost, missing him like crazy. He has no mobile so I cant call him. He did gave his house number but I was too afraid to call. I never called a guy before. I was a homely naive girl. I waited for 2 weeks, I felt like dying each minute. Its like I was craving for my fav drug. I was so confused, I never felt this way before.
He called soon after and I was so mad that I asked what was goin on! I demanded an answer. I asked him if there were anyone he is seeing. He declined profusely, but refusing to tell me what was e actual reason for his MIA-ness. He kept saying that he loves me, he nv felt this way towards a woman. I can't take it anymore, I thought he was playing me out, taking advantage of my naive-ness. I left him.
But it was a painful decision. It was killing me inside. I was not myself. I tried commiiting suicide by overdosing myself with medications. It was a miracle that I did not die given the combinatuions of medications I took before bed one night. It was also that nite when I tore his pic. I was crying, more like wailing my heart out in my room alone in e wee hrs of the morn when everyone was asleep. It was so painful. I loved him so much, with all my life.
He still calls me persistently of which I did not ans. He called me in e morn, at noon, at night, at e wee hrs.... His calls just doesnt stop, like my tears. Mom said I wasnt my usual self. She was so upset n worried. I simply told her that I loved him so much.
His calls came in each day until I could nt hold it longer. I longed to hear that voice. I answered. He wasnt his usual self. He sounded drunk and high. But he told me that he loved me, he needed me. And he wanted to hear me say I Love You. And when I didnt say it, he was a lil mad and told me with slurred speech that he is now with a woman..in bed. I knew it was a big fat lie. He was at home (he called me from his home phone) and no way he can bring a lady up as his family is living with him. I knw he was drunk and was just saying that to make me mad. I hung up to let him rest.
Then 1 day, on my way back from sch, I received a text from hubby (then). He got my number from F one day as F had given him to inform me that F's pc want working and that he is oversea. Hubby smsmed me that F was a drug addict and that he said I did not deserve e way F is treating me. I also got to know F had been in rehab twice before he met me. My hearts sank at that very moment. It was like my whole world came crashing down on me. My mind started to replay the times I had with F. My mind also flashed a vision of F with unkept hair. Suddenly it all made sense. The unkept hair, the MIA-ness, the lateness during our 1st meeting..... It hit me hard. MY FIRST LOVE IS A DRUG ADDICT. A DRUG ADDICT. AND I LOVE HIM.
Hubby told me that F doesnt know that he told me about F's dark side. I was sadden but deep down, I still loved him and in fact I feel like helping him. I wanted to b there to help him with this addiction.
And then, for e first time, I called a guy! I called F! I interrogated him and he was speechless. He was also mad that hubby told me about his dark side. He said hubby should not have done that. He did not admit despite me telling him in his face. I hung up.
Again, the separation was killing me. I missed him so badly. I find myself no longer mad at him, I just wanted to help him.
He called me one day as I was on my way home from the market alone. I sat below the blk to talk. I knew this was goin to b a long talk. He admitted to his drug addiction and that was the reason why he MIA-ed for some time. He did not have another woman. He loved me and that I was the first woman whom he had feelings for. He said he felt so comfortable with her despite our age gap. He said he is trying to cope with this addiction and its very hard. He kept insisting that his love for me never once change eventhough he is an addict. He said he wanted to b with me, have a family and grow old together. I could just cry and kept saying No... He pleaded, crying not to leave him,I could not say anything. I knew that he and I can never be together. My dad wont allow me to marry him. My dad will surely come to knw of his past even if I were to date him in future. My dad simply have his ways and connections.
In short, F isnt the kinda man my dad wud approve of. Period.
I was so shattered. I was confused. I loved a man so much and found out he is an addict. And I cant be with him. Dat was all in my mind.
Soon, I forced myself to move away from F. Afraid of my love for him. Hubby then befriended me. It all was so fast. Hubby and I dated for 3 mths. F got to know since e news of hubby dating me spread like wild fire at their kampong. F confronted hubby to leave his girl alone and that I'm his. F told hubby that he loved me.
It was too late, hubby and I were in a relationship. But I admit I still loved F deep in my heart. We will bump into each other in gatherings and F and I will be looking at each other from afar.....its like we were longing for each other.
F apologised to hubby, wished his luck and told him that I love watching the planes go by, so bring me to e airport to see it as F will never have e chance to..... Hubby told me this after we gt married...n it made me cry.
After 3 mths, hubby and I got married. It was all so fast. F attended the wedding. I never gt a chance to see him dat day. Better I guess, else I will cry. Hubby told me he shook hands with him and wished him luck.
F saw me pregnant after 6 mths of marriage and he smiled to me from afar. But I can see e sadness in his eyes. He patted hubby's shoulders n congratulated us. He told hubby while I was in e car that he wished to apologise to me as he had done me wrong in the past.... of which he did not have a chance to.
We gt our 1st princess and bumped into F one night at their kampong. F looked at our princess closely and smiled at me. We never spoke to this very day. Maybe cos hubby was there each time. But I knw we have so much to say.
Last yr Sep , hubby told me that F got into e priosn for herione addiction. His first time in prison as before was just rehab. Hubby told F was spotted with brusies in his neck and arms weeks just before he got caught. I was so shattered.
Now, going to Eunos, Im not even able to see F anymore as he is serving a long sentence, maybe another 3 or 4 more yrs. Before, F will always get to see us whenever we go there to vist MIL from his balcony. Now even his balcony, HDB had bulit a partition, so I wont get to see F anymore. Unless if we bump into each other at Eunos.
It have been 4 yrs and I cant forget F. There will be times where I would cry and longing to hug him or hear his voice. It hurts so much that I can actually feel my chest is heavy. I still dream of him. And I still think of him randomly as life goes by... Just last evening, I missed him so badly that I cried.
I wanted to feel him again.
I love my hubby and family, and I know that hubby is a better man for me and for my future but... I just cant forget my first love. Maybe there wasnt a proper closure between me and F and I'm dangling here still.
F and hubby are no longer close as before eventhough they will talk whenever they bump into each other.
I know I will never forget F untill the day I die. I cant let go of wat we had. I knew he loved me....I just can feel it. Strange, I still feel that he loves me still.
At times I just wish i could close my eyes and hug F even if its for e last time. I just want to hug him close and feel him close to me. I miss him so bad that it hurts.
I'm happily married with a very caring and loyal husband. We are blessed with 2 princesses. Hubby is 34 and I'm 24. Our girls are 3 and 9 mths old. We have been married for 4 yrs and counting.
Hubby is actually my 1st love's (will address him as F) best childhood friends. They were like buddies since pri 1, living in the same estate as him, in Eunos. Hubby moved out of Eunos after we were married. But MIL is still in Eunos. In short, Eunos is like hubby's and F's kampong. Childhood kampong.
Till this very day, I will feel so much hurt going to Eunos. I'm telling the story why...
Before I met hubby, I was with F. Got to know him when i was 18 thru MIRC. Dat time, me, being a homely, innocent and naive girl, decided to try out MIRC during my poly break. So F approached me and we chatted. I did not have anything in mind. Later we exchanged numbers and he began calling me. I did not like him at first, and thought of him as nuisance. But ya, I gave my no. and we became friends.
It took about 5 mths from that hate to turn into love (eventhough I was 18, I knew that it was Love indeed). I never felt this way before from my past relationships.Never. I was 18 and he was 28. Those random calls from him became a daily thing. I was from a very strict family and I cant talk after 7pm nor use the net. And I cant go out either. So u can imagine how was our relationship like. But each day before 7pm, we will talk, at times making full use of the time up till 7.01pm!
We shared everything about ourselves, everything. We laughed, we cried, we quarrelled, we became intimate,all that over the phone.
It was after a year that I told my mum (she was not so strict like my dad) that I loved someone and knew that he is the one. F and I decided to meet for e very 1st time.
It was a saturday noon, I waited at Marsiling mrt station. He didnt show up untill after 6 hrs. I cant believe I actually waited, sat, watching every face that go by, hoping it was him. Well I did saw his pic before. In my hand, I held his favourite drink root beer. He doesnt have a mobile so I waited. And he called, from home that he is late. I was so mad but decided to wait as he said he'll reach in 45 mins time. I sat n pondered, I was sad, but happy too as Im gona meet my 1st love! God knows how much I love that man. (I'm tearing already now)
Then, a man approached me. That familar voice. I turned up and saw F for the very 1st time. My heart skipped a beat. Instantly, my anger vanished. The love for him was just too overwhelming. But.... he looked so much different from e passport-sized pic he posted months ago. The pic showed a fair gentleman, with neatly cropped hair. But F in reality is a lil tanned, with long unkept shoulder length hair. He looked so.....unkept and very nervous. But all else, remains as per the tele-conversations.
We stood at the tiny bridge watching the sunset together. And held hands while gazing at each other's eyes. It felt like a fairytale for an 18-yr old daddy's girl. I did not knw that was the last time I ever saw him...my first love.
F knew that I cant go out often, have to do it secretly, with the help of mom. Our relationship continued for another year....the same old thing, thru the phone. Each day we will talk. And the conversations were long. We shared more each day. I manage to sneakily speak on the phone after 7pm... till 6am next morn. It was a tele-relationship but it was so real as if he is here with me. He said he is willing to wait for me finish studies.
Then I noticed some changes in him. He will MIA just all out of a sudden for like a week. And will call me then. I asked him why and he kept on saying its his studies and project attachemnets etc. Then soon after, it became more frequent. I was at lost, missing him like crazy. He has no mobile so I cant call him. He did gave his house number but I was too afraid to call. I never called a guy before. I was a homely naive girl. I waited for 2 weeks, I felt like dying each minute. Its like I was craving for my fav drug. I was so confused, I never felt this way before.
He called soon after and I was so mad that I asked what was goin on! I demanded an answer. I asked him if there were anyone he is seeing. He declined profusely, but refusing to tell me what was e actual reason for his MIA-ness. He kept saying that he loves me, he nv felt this way towards a woman. I can't take it anymore, I thought he was playing me out, taking advantage of my naive-ness. I left him.
But it was a painful decision. It was killing me inside. I was not myself. I tried commiiting suicide by overdosing myself with medications. It was a miracle that I did not die given the combinatuions of medications I took before bed one night. It was also that nite when I tore his pic. I was crying, more like wailing my heart out in my room alone in e wee hrs of the morn when everyone was asleep. It was so painful. I loved him so much, with all my life.
He still calls me persistently of which I did not ans. He called me in e morn, at noon, at night, at e wee hrs.... His calls just doesnt stop, like my tears. Mom said I wasnt my usual self. She was so upset n worried. I simply told her that I loved him so much.
His calls came in each day until I could nt hold it longer. I longed to hear that voice. I answered. He wasnt his usual self. He sounded drunk and high. But he told me that he loved me, he needed me. And he wanted to hear me say I Love You. And when I didnt say it, he was a lil mad and told me with slurred speech that he is now with a woman..in bed. I knew it was a big fat lie. He was at home (he called me from his home phone) and no way he can bring a lady up as his family is living with him. I knw he was drunk and was just saying that to make me mad. I hung up to let him rest.
Then 1 day, on my way back from sch, I received a text from hubby (then). He got my number from F one day as F had given him to inform me that F's pc want working and that he is oversea. Hubby smsmed me that F was a drug addict and that he said I did not deserve e way F is treating me. I also got to know F had been in rehab twice before he met me. My hearts sank at that very moment. It was like my whole world came crashing down on me. My mind started to replay the times I had with F. My mind also flashed a vision of F with unkept hair. Suddenly it all made sense. The unkept hair, the MIA-ness, the lateness during our 1st meeting..... It hit me hard. MY FIRST LOVE IS A DRUG ADDICT. A DRUG ADDICT. AND I LOVE HIM.
Hubby told me that F doesnt know that he told me about F's dark side. I was sadden but deep down, I still loved him and in fact I feel like helping him. I wanted to b there to help him with this addiction.
And then, for e first time, I called a guy! I called F! I interrogated him and he was speechless. He was also mad that hubby told me about his dark side. He said hubby should not have done that. He did not admit despite me telling him in his face. I hung up.
Again, the separation was killing me. I missed him so badly. I find myself no longer mad at him, I just wanted to help him.
He called me one day as I was on my way home from the market alone. I sat below the blk to talk. I knew this was goin to b a long talk. He admitted to his drug addiction and that was the reason why he MIA-ed for some time. He did not have another woman. He loved me and that I was the first woman whom he had feelings for. He said he felt so comfortable with her despite our age gap. He said he is trying to cope with this addiction and its very hard. He kept insisting that his love for me never once change eventhough he is an addict. He said he wanted to b with me, have a family and grow old together. I could just cry and kept saying No... He pleaded, crying not to leave him,I could not say anything. I knew that he and I can never be together. My dad wont allow me to marry him. My dad will surely come to knw of his past even if I were to date him in future. My dad simply have his ways and connections.
In short, F isnt the kinda man my dad wud approve of. Period.
I was so shattered. I was confused. I loved a man so much and found out he is an addict. And I cant be with him. Dat was all in my mind.
Soon, I forced myself to move away from F. Afraid of my love for him. Hubby then befriended me. It all was so fast. Hubby and I dated for 3 mths. F got to know since e news of hubby dating me spread like wild fire at their kampong. F confronted hubby to leave his girl alone and that I'm his. F told hubby that he loved me.
It was too late, hubby and I were in a relationship. But I admit I still loved F deep in my heart. We will bump into each other in gatherings and F and I will be looking at each other from afar.....its like we were longing for each other.
F apologised to hubby, wished his luck and told him that I love watching the planes go by, so bring me to e airport to see it as F will never have e chance to..... Hubby told me this after we gt married...n it made me cry.
After 3 mths, hubby and I got married. It was all so fast. F attended the wedding. I never gt a chance to see him dat day. Better I guess, else I will cry. Hubby told me he shook hands with him and wished him luck.
F saw me pregnant after 6 mths of marriage and he smiled to me from afar. But I can see e sadness in his eyes. He patted hubby's shoulders n congratulated us. He told hubby while I was in e car that he wished to apologise to me as he had done me wrong in the past.... of which he did not have a chance to.
We gt our 1st princess and bumped into F one night at their kampong. F looked at our princess closely and smiled at me. We never spoke to this very day. Maybe cos hubby was there each time. But I knw we have so much to say.
Last yr Sep , hubby told me that F got into e priosn for herione addiction. His first time in prison as before was just rehab. Hubby told F was spotted with brusies in his neck and arms weeks just before he got caught. I was so shattered.
Now, going to Eunos, Im not even able to see F anymore as he is serving a long sentence, maybe another 3 or 4 more yrs. Before, F will always get to see us whenever we go there to vist MIL from his balcony. Now even his balcony, HDB had bulit a partition, so I wont get to see F anymore. Unless if we bump into each other at Eunos.
It have been 4 yrs and I cant forget F. There will be times where I would cry and longing to hug him or hear his voice. It hurts so much that I can actually feel my chest is heavy. I still dream of him. And I still think of him randomly as life goes by... Just last evening, I missed him so badly that I cried.
I wanted to feel him again.
I love my hubby and family, and I know that hubby is a better man for me and for my future but... I just cant forget my first love. Maybe there wasnt a proper closure between me and F and I'm dangling here still.
F and hubby are no longer close as before eventhough they will talk whenever they bump into each other.
I know I will never forget F untill the day I die. I cant let go of wat we had. I knew he loved me....I just can feel it. Strange, I still feel that he loves me still.
At times I just wish i could close my eyes and hug F even if its for e last time. I just want to hug him close and feel him close to me. I miss him so bad that it hurts.
