Differences between husband and wife

[Edwinie]

Ever since my husband and I started dating, I realize there is a huge difference between us. He is from ite while I'm a degree holder. So I tried to ask him take some private diploma to boost his employability, which he did. I'm sure my pay will be significantly higher next time when I start work after I graduate as compared to his. In addition, I find it hard to have any discussion about the world happenings, news, economy or politics because he can't be bother about all these.

I subscribe to the old notion that the husband must be superior to the wife. Hence I find it extremely frustrating that I'm better than him in these terms.

However, he is a caring husband. That's why I married him despite all these. But we do struggle because of these differences. He is not as motivated and focus as me. He wants the bare minimum in life while I'm always looking for more.. =(

Any comments please help..

 

[angiebaby]

its same as us, im with higher education lvl and higher salary, i pay most of the bills include his insurrance, i do all the planning for family, and the cleaning till im pregnant, when we change house, i run almost everything by myself, from bank to reno, he is very relax and cant understand my pressure of work, therefore i nvr talk to him about those things, our topic are always games, tv programs, our dogs, and cars, but i find it is ok as he is a good husband, he dont drink, he dont go out at night, he is very very family man and will take care the dogs when i go diving, or drinking with friends, i 100% confirm he will not have affairs outside and whatever things i ask him to do, he will do it without argument. so to me this is good enough, you can't get a perfect man so look at the good side of him and stay positive bah.

 

[jiajia]

sumtimes, difference compliments each other. Ever tot what if your husband is as really superior than you? Maybe he won't be as caring husband as it should be. Since you already choose to marry him, then why let these bother you. Is it very important that he must be superior than then you feel that he is a real 'man' or husband?

I have seen many cases whereby man earning much more and much more superior than the wife. BUt so what, they fool around outside, sleeping around, too smart then wife don't even know for close to 10 years.

Of cos our concept to think that husband should be earning more than wife or having a better career than wife is still in us, but who cares? I believe you married him becos u know that he is a trustable man not becos he is earning or more superior than u.

Tell you, my husband and myself also great difference. He offen talks about trading,economy, politics, new, he knows a lot of thing and he is a degreed holder whereas i didn't even complete my secondary. SO? And worst is, I am the one support the family, in other words, he is out of job, he couldn't get a job for very long time already. And there are many issue between us....

I was like you when i was younger, I tot man must be more superior. But now, my thinking change.

 

[apollo]

I believe that before you choose to date with him, you alrdy know that his qualification is not as high as yours, but you choose to be with him. And it's very good that he is willing to upgrade himself. You cant expect him to have the same or even higher qualification than you. I must say, at least he is willing to upgrade himself when you asked him to, you shd be happy right? =) Both me and my hub dont have high qualifications, but I can see that he is wking hard for the family despite not having a high qualification, at least he bothers to wk hard for the family and brings hm as much as he can and he care and love us alot (which i cant see from some of my frens' husbands) =)

 

[stonston]

So, you are looking for a supervisor as husband or looking for a life partner as husband?

My hubs is NUA and don't really push himself in terms of career cos to him, family is more impt, not money.

I love him that way: He puts FAMILY first.

He won't go out drinking with his friends without me/my permission.
I control finances so I know he won't have money for mistress.

I prefer being in control.
My hubs don't like to discuss politics & worldly news with me until I ask him to read certain articles then he started to show some interest.

& we are toying with the idea of my hubs being a stay at home dad & he is totally agreeable to it
All for the benefit of our family

 

[keefu]

I believe initially there must be come connection between both of you that lead both of you together regardless of education background? And it's good news that your husband is willing to listen advice and upgrade himself. If a husband is willing to work, willing to save for the family, he will make a good husband even if he earns lesser.

My husband is not well educated and he dislikes study to the core that even advise him to upgrade is a big NONO to him, but he doesn't wait for notes to drop from the sky and tries his best to earn bread and butter and save it up even before we discussed seriously about marriage... Some guys can earn big bucks but do they save for the future? And some people who can earn $10k but spend $9.9k away, also pointless right?

Time will tell whether he will make it big in future, not just by educational background.

 

[apollo]

Some guys can earn big bucks but do they save for the future? And some people who can earn $10k but spend $9.9k away, also pointless right?

Time will tell whether he will make it big in future, not just by educational background.

I fully agree with u! =)

 

[Edwinie]

Sometimes I wish he will teach me some stuff and look at him as a role model.. I think because I'm the older child in my family so I always lead my example and be good.. Just that I'm sick of doing that and want someone to guide me instead.. But this is not the point.

The point is he don't work hard. When I was pregnant, he promise me he will work hard as a property agent. Then he spent clOse to 1k for lessons and exams. And then he didn't actively seek for sales leads. He spent his day sleeping or playing games.. And after the new ruling and he failed his exams, it became very obvious to me that he is not eligible to be a property agent. So I asked him to lOok for part time job. He spent 3 days actively sending out resumes and then stop when he don't hear any reply. So I spoke to my dad about letting him be an insurance agent under him. Next time when my dad retire, he can pass his clients to him. As the company said that his diPloma is too short, he has to take a basic qualification test before he can join the training programme which pays him about 1.5 k per month during training. And u know what, he mistook the date of the exam and have to wait till march. It showed me he is not serious.. And then I told him to look for part time job. And he just didn't make the effort to find one..

I just feel that he is not motivated to work and provide for thefamily. It really frustrates me that he is so much older than me and I have to guide him in terms of career and stuff. I though it's a given thing that you have to be responsible for your own career.. I don't like spoon-feeding him.. Even jobs I have to help him shortlist and find... It makes me feel that I not only have to look after myself and the baby, I have to look after him too when he can do his own.

Yes, he love me but sometimes, it takes more than that..

I don't mind him staying at home while I work. The thing is I have yet to graduate and we are depending on his parents..

I mentioned education as our difference that cause our quarrels because I do not Know what is the root cause.. I thought it's education but while I'm writing this reply after reading everyone's comments, I feel that that's not the actual reason..

I don't know.. I'm bewildered..

Thanks for all your comments!

 

[Edwinie]

i'm not asking for big bucks. just earn the maximum that your ability allows u to.

the reality of singapore is this. he has a private diploma. based on that, if he work in a company as an employee, the most he can take home is 2.5k, with little opportunities of promotion. so the best is to be an agent in sales, be it in property or insurance. so i suggested insurance.

but now, after our quarrel, he had showed me that whatever job he has doesn't matter. he still won't work hard and cherish opportunities... gone case... i always have hopes and expectations only to be badly beaten down my him..

both of us have very different upbringing. my parents/grandmother will scold me if i make a simple mistake like spilling water on the table. (my grandma will use vulgarities.) but his parents always take things very easy. so i grew up being impatient and he grew up being careless. so this is also a major clashing point...

we teach our kids to put their toys back in place. my husband doesn't even put back things into their original position after he uses.
yesterday at the restaurant, he dropped food on the floor twice. (if it were me, my parents would have scolded me and my grandma too.) and so i lost my patience a little..
he will always forget his wallet, handphone, keys or bring things that is needed out of the house. (if it were me, my mum will show me black face already).
he keeps playing computer games and not work...
his actions really make me worry that this is the role model my child is going to look up to... as parents there is a certain standard you want to show to your kids.. that's y i'm worried. his behavior and actions make me want to be very strict with my son so that he will not become like his dad. it sounds very bad but this is how i feel right now. ever since we date, there is no improvement... i had hopes. i still do.. but i don't think i can sustain my hopes and expectations anymore...

he does help out with taking care of our son. but can i say he care about the family if he don't get out to work and work hard to earn $$ for the family? i don't know what does 'caring/love for the family' actually entails. but i think working hard to earn for the family is one of them. putting family first can also be a push factor for him to work. but i don't see it...

 

[stonston]

Just curious, how old is your hubs?? He sounds more like a teenager who has not learnt to rely on himself.

1. Are your ILs still 'baby-ing' him?
2. Have you told him how disappointed you are at his behaviour?

I've ever told my hubs how disappointed I am that he's so nua while I'm chionging all the way (those who know me will know how much I chiong during work).
I'm alright with being higher educated, I'm alright with earning more than him.
Important is that he knows that he has to put in his best too. I think your problem now is that you don't see him putting in his best, that's why you are frustrated with him.

I think it's time for a good talk with him. Put aside the educational background and earnings. Just talk about how you feel that he needs to be a good role model as a daddy. It's ok if he don't have degree. It's ok if he don't have super high paying job. He needs to show good attitude so that good attitude will rub off on his children.

Remember, don't put him down, just tell him how you feel, and what you expect him to do. Men need SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS. You cannot say,"Go find a job." You must say,"I've narrowed down some suitable ones. Go read through and apply seriously."

 

[apollo]

My hub and my family upbringing is very different too. My parents make it a point that i shd and MUST greet all the aunties and uncles i see while my inlaws side take it very easy. Initially I feel very weird but after meeting their relatives during one of the CNY, I realised that ALL their relatives are like this, they dont greet each other BUT their bonding is very strong. I told my hub, I cant change expect much but he shd at least learn how to greet my relatives cos my relatives have different expectation. And he did. We cant 'blame' our husbands for having a different family background, different upbringing as us. It takes time, keep remind him. Even till now, my hub is still very clumsy. Sometimes I just close one eye cos we used to quarrel frequently when I keep nagging at him and surprisingly, he seems to be better after I nag and complain lesser.

As for the salary wise, I cant advise much cos everyone has different expectation on this. Okay, $2500 might not seems alot to you but do you know there are many families surviving less than that amount?? Like I said, the moment you know him, decided to be with him, you shd know roughly the 'max' salary he can bring hm and etc. I;m not saying you're wrong, cos there is no exact right or wrong is such issue but maybe you would like to take a step back and see how thing goes? At the same time, sit down and talk to him, ask him what he want both of your (and ur child/children) future to be like. Let him get the facts clear that he cant rely on his parents forever, he shd at least get a job (despite how low the salary is) to give you some sense of security. =)

 

[PinkDiamonds]

I think the problem is not your upbringing or educational level differences, but your frustration with him not being motivated to work hard to give the family a comfortable life.

I think you should sit down to tell him how you feel & what to do as stonston has mentioned. Yes men need specific instructions. Whenever we want to bring the kids out my hubby will just sit in front of his PC or nua on the bed and wait for us to be done before he changes clothes. But telling him to "help me out" isn't enough cause he don't know how he can help. I have to tell him, "can u come and change their diapers & clothes for me while I pack the bag?" & even so I will need to take out the clothes that they need to wear.

My hubby don't even have a PSLE cert, while I am a degree holder. I am now a SAHM of our 3 kids while he goes out to earn the money.

My hubby's behavior quite similar to yours, he is a very laid-back person at home. He can forget his HP, keys, wallet, etc. There are also certain things like being firm with the kids about putting their toys back, or making sure they stick to their routine, which he doesn't follow and gets me annoyed. I have to clean up and pick up after him most of the time. I can nag 1000 times but still same pattern. He can tell me, "later i hang the clothes for you," but it never happens cause he would've forgotten about it. At the end of the day I learn to just close 1 eye & put up with it or try to work things around his "bad habits."

You chose to marry this man, so the good & bad comes in a package, whether or not you signed up for it. If before married he is like this, then I think it will take a really big hit for him to change, if having a baby is not important enough to make him change. If his parents stop giving him money, then *maybe* he will wake up his idea and work hard to earn money?

I think I am quite similar to you in the sense that I also feel that my hubby should be bringing home most of the dough, if not all (which is my current situation now). Also because the way I see him handle the kids while I go out, I tell myself there's no way I'm going to let him be a SAHD while I earn money. LOL.

 

[Edwinie]

he is 28 already while i'm 23.

he don't treat his parents words seriously because they don't scold him or discipline him much when he was young. he don't even listen to me unless i get angry. sometimes, i have to pretend i'm angry and use an angry tone to talk to him so that he will listen. but listen doesn't mean action..

i like stonson's 'men need specific instructions'. but it make me feel like i'm treating him as a child. he gives me a feeling that i need to nag at him, stand behind him to watch him so that he will complete his task. it's very tiring and i want to treat him as an adult.

he used to earn 2k plus as a salesman. but i felt that i can push him out of his comfort zone and he can earn more than that. i mean, he is not a family person. if i work full time and let him run the family, i don't even think he will manage childhood illness, vaccinations, learning, etc etc because he don't read up on those and i have to give him specific instructions. tell why our son behave this way, his developments, etc etc... so if he can't be a family man, then get out to work. the reason why i want him to earn more is because he has his parents to take care of. i believe they do not have much retirement fund. we have been spending his parents money and i'm very eager to return them back. they don't ask any money in return but i want to give them what we can give because they treat all of us very well.

if u see the uni fee increment, it's 3% every year. give it 20 years and without pay increment that is on par with inflation, i think we need to slog very hard. that's y i don't think 2k plus will be enough in the long term. prices are increasing, salary is not. this is the reality. i don't want us to be stuck somewhere. we all want the best for our child. yes, 2k plus can meet the basic requirements, but i want more for my child. you can say that i'm greedy, but i'm thinking more of the long term value of that 2k and investing in our child specifically. we need a bigger hdb too. our child is currently sleeping in the living room...

all i want is to see him putting his best effort, as stonton has summarised above.

 

[Edwinie]

I think the problem is not your upbringing or educational level differences, but your frustration with him not being motivated to work hard to give the family a comfortable life.

I think you should sit down to tell him how you feel & what to do as stonston has mentioned. Yes men need specific instructions. Whenever we want to bring the kids out my hubby will just sit in front of his PC or nua on the bed and wait for us to be done before he changes clothes. But telling him to "help me out" isn't enough cause he don't know how he can help. I have to tell him, "can u come and change their diapers & clothes for me while I pack the bag?" & even so I will need to take out the clothes that they need to wear.

My hubby don't even have a PSLE cert, while I am a degree holder. I am now a SAHM of our 3 kids while he goes out to earn the money.

My hubby's behavior quite similar to yours, he is a very laid-back person at home. He can forget his HP, keys, wallet, etc. There are also certain things like being firm with the kids about putting their toys back, or making sure they stick to their routine, which he doesn't follow and gets me annoyed. I have to clean up and pick up after him most of the time. I can nag 1000 times but still same pattern. He can tell me, "later i hang the clothes for you," but it never happens cause he would've forgotten about it. At the end of the day I learn to just close 1 eye & put up with it or try to work things around his "bad habits."

You chose to marry this man, so the good & bad comes in a package, whether or not you signed up for it. If before married he is like this, then I think it will take a really big hit for him to change, if having a baby is not important enough to make him change. If his parents stop giving him money, then *maybe* he will wake up his idea and work hard to earn money?

I think I am quite similar to you in the sense that I also feel that my hubby should be bringing home most of the dough, if not all (which is my current situation now). Also because the way I see him handle the kids while I go out, I tell myself there's no way I'm going to let him be a SAHD while I earn money. LOL.

haha! i can understand about going out with kids! i need to specifically tell him how to pack the bag. when we return home, i need to specifically tell him to unpack the bag! i don't understand why men cannot be automatic!

i know what he is like before i marry him. i know i'm marrying the whole package, the good and the bad. but i married with hope for a change for the better. to me, there is always room for improvement. (i think my kids will be stressed by me next time. haha!!)

 

[nesshermes]

I can understand and feel all the frustration u gg thur. I'm 22 and hub is 29 we both don't have high qualification. And because of tat, we both earn very little. My hub also a very nua person. He will always promise and nv do and say how great he is wking 12hrs a day while I'm a SAHM. How I wish I can go out and work. Been a mum is 24-7 while working, u gt off day. He nv understand. Sometime when I see other hub so caring and great I can't help but thinking I married the wrong guy. TS, at least u still got caring in laws but I don't. I don't even have my parents helping me. Now I'm doing my confinement and I'm doing it all alone. My hub is not even with me when I'm giving

 

[Edwinie]

I can understand and feel all the frustration u gg thur. I'm 22 and hub is 29 we both don't have high qualification. And because of tat, we both earn very little. My hub also a very nua person. He will always promise and nv do and say how great he is wking 12hrs a day while I'm a SAHM. How I wish I can go out and work. Been a mum is 24-7 while working, u gt off day. He nv understand. Sometime when I see other hub so caring and great I can't help but thinking I married the wrong guy. TS, at least u still got caring in laws but I don't. I don't even have my parents helping me. Now I'm doing my confinement and I'm doing it all alone. My hub is not even with me when I'm giving

i think working is tougher not because of the working hours, but depending on your job, u have to see the face color (lian se) of your customers, bosses, colleagues which is very tiring. my dad works as an insurance agent and sometimes his temper is really really bad. i think it's because of his clients. sometimes, u need to earn and put your pride down as a salesperson.. imagine your client scolding because you are late for 5 minutes due to traffic jam.. he don't help out the house too. my mum said my dad don't even carry us when we were newborn. my dad do not know how to change diapers or feed a baby.. he doesn't even dare to carry my son (2months)! my mum always tell me to tolerate him because he have a hard time outside. anyway, my mum divorce my dad because of his character but that's besides the point.

u can tell him based on an economist calculation, a stay-at-home mum is worth over $8000 in economic value because of the 24-7 job scope. the amount of work u have to do to be worth that much money!

anyway don't compare too much. the grass is always greener on the other side. =)

 

[eissacsirhc]

Hi mummies,

Don't we always compare and whine about our lives (& our hubbies) all the time? I do..
And then thinking back.. maybe there are things that u shud be thankful for that we always take for-granted..
My hubby may not be earning alot alot of money.. but I'm thankful that he doesnt have any night life.. he comes home everyday after work and spends all his free time with me and our daughter..
So the next time when we start to complain again.. maybe we shud stop ourselves and try to think of the good once in a while..

No one is perfect.. it's the imperfections that make us special..

 

[Renzie]

Hubs is also very nua type. Sometimes I get so annoyed with him when he goes into bo-chup mode, like he said that certain things need to be done or this thing spoil need to fix it, it'll take forever as he'll be busy playing games until we get into a huge argument, then he'll go and do it.

But over the years, i've learn to just turn a blind eye to it, and it makes things alot easier, I'll just play the wait-and-see game, who can tolerate the longest. Unless for things that cannot wait, then I'll probably start nagging.

But I'm still thankful that he's a family man. In fact most of the time I had to push him out of the house to go out with his friends. He work for his parents and come home straight after work, so his life practically evolves around work and family. He even help to look after DD in the evenings so that I can have sometime off.

I agree, you had choose to marry him, have to remember both parties are from different background and upbringing, have to learn to compromise, and things that don't really matter just turn a blind eye to it.

 

[Edwinie]

Thanks everybody for your comments and thoughts about it!

I'm a young mum so I've got nobody to talk about marriage life with. All my close friends are single and I don't want my family members to worry about the problems I have.

I realise the problems I have are quite common with the experiences of mums here. Just need to know how to turn a blind eye. That's why my husband and I keep joking 'honeymoon period over already'. haha!!

Thank you once again! You all made me feel better and think from a different perspective. =)
:001_302:

 

[MsKoh1973]

he is 28 already while i'm 23.

he don't treat his parents words seriously because they don't scold him or discipline him much when he was young. he don't even listen to me unless i get angry. sometimes, i have to pretend i'm angry and use an angry tone to talk to him so that he will listen. but listen doesn't mean action..

i like stonson's 'men need specific instructions'. but it make me feel like i'm treating him as a child. he gives me a feeling that i need to nag at him, stand behind him to watch him so that he will complete his task. it's very tiring and i want to treat him as an adult.

he used to earn 2k plus as a salesman. but i felt that i can push him out of his comfort zone and he can earn more than that. i mean, he is not a family person. if i work full time and let him run the family, i don't even think he will manage childhood illness, vaccinations, learning, etc etc because he don't read up on those and i have to give him specific instructions. tell why our son behave this way, his developments, etc etc... so if he can't be a family man, then get out to work. the reason why i want him to earn more is because he has his parents to take care of. i believe they do not have much retirement fund. we have been spending his parents money and i'm very eager to return them back. they don't ask any money in return but i want to give them what we can give because they treat all of us very well.

if u see the uni fee increment, it's 3% every year. give it 20 years and without pay increment that is on par with inflation, i think we need to slog very hard. that's y i don't think 2k plus will be enough in the long term. prices are increasing, salary is not. this is the reality. i don't want us to be stuck somewhere. we all want the best for our child. yes, 2k plus can meet the basic requirements, but i want more for my child. you can say that i'm greedy, but i'm thinking more of the long term value of that 2k and investing in our child specifically. we need a bigger hdb too. our child is currently sleeping in the living room...

all i want is to see him putting his best effort, as stonton has summarised above.

The way your husband behave got nothing to do w his education...its different family culture............heheheh, cos I got quite similar behaviour w his (i m a degree holder), but my husband will "pick up" what I leave behind. Thats husband and wife, one "make up" for another. Like my husband, he can't quarrel well, every time something happen, he will loss words, he will hand the case to me, I have never loss a fight for him.

so u see, H n W needs to compensate each other. My husband is very stingy, he should save alot, but becos his family thought he rich, so he always end up giving more. I am a big spender, but I hold the big amount v tightly, since he knew me, thought we spend more, but we invested more, and saved more. Husband and wife must learn to appreciate each other's strength. But of cos, we quarrel alot too, but definitely he will give in, cos he noe, I v childish, I never want to give in to a fight Happy married life.