Dilemma

[Pei Qing]

I'm 21 this yr. And I haf 2 kids. Not a easy decision I must say. I had my 1st kid with my ex bf. He promised to get married with me once I was pregnant. Being naive, I trusted his words. Once I got pregnant, he started to demand money from me. He took the money to go out wif his friends and enjoy himself. I even supported him thru his first trim of his ITE. He told me he met someone new when I was 6 mths pregnant. He hit me when I demanded the money he owned me. He told me that he was already together with that ger and that he did not want to get married with me. When my 1st ger was @ 6 mths, I met someone new, my current husband. In a haste to get my ger a complete family, I got married wif him within 1 + yr. Now, I'm married for bout 2 yrs. Please think over. If I could turn back time, I would haf chose not to get married n haf my 2nd ger.

I would sincerely ask u not 2 abort and think twice abt getting married.

 

[thsheyanne]

Why is it that you rather consult your friends than your own parents? Forgive me for being crude, you have enjoy the process and now gotten the result and you want to get rid of it?? Are you being selfish or are you afraid the baby will hinder your future? I have a friend who is only 17 she just gave birth, she is not very highly educated but still knows how that she must be responsible for her actions.

 

[ziyrlvliina.love4eva]

I am 22 this year.

i got pregnant when i was 19yrs old.
i am totally against abortion before my son was born bcoz like what many had said, it's our mistake and we should face the consequences.

His parents came to my home to talk to mine when i was around 4mths pregnant. The 'adults' said that we should get married. And so, i married hubby when i was 7mths pregnant.

Hubby and I love each other alot. But we were just 19 yrs old and honestly, i am still not very sure whether he is going to be the man i wanna spend the rest of my life with. I was still hesitating on the day i marry him. Afterall, we are still young and am unsure how we'd change yrs down the road.

After my son was borned, things were good for a few mths. We separated, when my son was just 6mths old, for 1/2 a year. I found a job and we lead separate lives. It was only when my birthday was approaching (& knowing that someone else was wooing me) did hubby tried to get me back.

It was an easy job for him. I still relented in the end after considering the fact that i dont't want my precious son to be fatherless. We weren't really stable bcoz im still trying to 'forgive' hubby mentally.

Few months after that, i found myself pregnant again. Hubby was elated and wanted to keep the child but I wanted to abort due to
1) financially
2) i think that sooner or later, me and hubby would divorce
3) I'm not ready to be a mum again.
The thought of abortion made me cried everytime. But i took too long to decide and the baby was too big for normal abortion. I still can kill my child; by inducing labour and giving birth to her, only to let her die.

I chose to keep my baby in the end coz i can never do it. The thought itselfis torturing me.

And less than 2 mths ago, my princess came into this world, right at home with only hubby in front of me.

The happiness when hubby and i are 'so-in-love' is indescribable. Our kids just completed everything and i am so in love now. ^^

I found the following long term problems :

Getting married due to pregnancy or not?
Getting married
1) Getting married and having kids are two whole different issues.
2) Marriage shouldn't be merely for the sake of the child.
Ending up in divorce is just going to hurt the children more. I believe they'd rather their parents were separated in the first place.

Staying single
1) Needless to say, everything a single mother has to go through

I did somehow regret getting married to hubby sometimes coz i felt that our character is too similar. ROCK + ROCK = SPARK = Fire. But our's was so bad, its just like a volcano erupt.
And its hard for human beings to change who they already are.

Keeping or not
Keeping
Assuming that marriage took place and the child was borned;
Ending 1 : Happily ever after (Emotionally? meeting a man who can 'protect' you for the rest of your life can resolve all issues.)
Consider -
1) Back to MARRIAGE, Is he the one?

Ending 2 : Divorce
Ending 2 hurts everyone in a family. I believe you'd rather aborting and never getting married for the sake of the child in the first place.
Consider -
DIVORCE OR NOT?

Divorce?
Not to mention how the kids would be severly affected,
1) Remarry? How are you going to face your future in-laws, bringing kids with you, and marry a bachelor? Forever, you and your children are going to be 'lower' than anyone in his family. You'll lose out in every ways. TOLERATING is all you can do coz they 'took you in'. (LUCKY IF YOUR IN-LAWS CAN ACCEPT you. JUST PRAY THAT THERE'S NO CONFLICT.)
a) Will the stepfather treat your children like his own?
b) Supposingly you gave birth to a child for your new hubby, will he love your kids like his own? how about your new in-laws? (again, LUCKY IF YOUR IN-LAWS CAN ACCEPT your CHILDREN. JUST PRAY THAT THERE'S NO CONFLICT.)

2) Staying as a divorcee and never remarry? Mentally drained with no 'the-other-half' to share everything with you. Lonely emotionally.

dont't divorce?
1) Try to work things out (again.)
2) TOLERATE AR!!

Not keeping?
1) Abortion - The guilt and how badly your body would be damaged
2) Adoption - Are you going to spend the rest of your life thinking about how your unwanted child is?

All these are just some of the problems. And it's already so problematic.

Talking to your bf should be after you've made your decision.
Is he the one you wanna spend the rest of your life with?
Yes? dont't hesitate. Please keep the child.
No? Then do you want to keep the child and let her go fatherless or have a step-father?
Adoption? Can you live the rest of your life not thinking of your flesh & blood? Are you sure she's in good hands?
Abortion might be a better choice.

Again, i must say. I used to be anti-abortion. But as a woman who got pregnant first before marriage, i believe all these are more important for the well-being of yourself, your bf, and the unborn child. Keeping the baby is not necessarily the best way.

THESE ARE MY POINTS OF VIEW. ANYBODY WHO DISAGREE CAN JUST KEEP QUIET DON'T BOMB ME.

Take care. my baby cry .

 

[Ting]

well, not everyone will hv a happy ending n vise versa.
there r many mums here who divorced, or single mums, tt found good guys.
we cant be tt subjective.
be more optimistic.

 

[-jOanna]

I'm 22 this year too..

I was not prepared to have a child so early or rather, I do not want to have a child in the future even I'm married..

After I found out I was pregnant for 18 weeks already, I really want to abort it, cuz I'm really not ready to give up everything for a family..

It was my hubby's decision to make me keep the baby.. He gave me promises that I know he really wants the child so much.. And after that day of checkup, he kneeled down and proposed to me with fake flower and his ring Lol..

We were so afraid to break the news to our family members.. Because we actually separated for awhile and only 1 day before I knew I was pregnant, we went back together.. [His parents even said the child might not be his..]

In the end, it's all the efforts that he had made that made me love him even more.. We managed to get engaged on my 24th week.. Chinese marriage maybe 1-2yrs later bah..

It's actually up to you to make your own decision.. We are only here to share our stories.. No one can force you to keep or not to.. you can still continue studying or just give studying a break, after give birth continue

Do something that you will not regret in the future :001_302:

 

[potato]

I'm against abortion.. There are couples trying to have a baby, and yet, people are aborting? I would rather you give the baby up for adoption, at least he/she will have a better life with their new parents. Imagine our parents aborting us instead? The thought of babies being killed painfully is really cruel and sad. For those young mums who have kids, like me, i think it's best not to dwell on the past. It won't be an easy path, but i believe if we shower our kids with love and guidence, be it single or married mums, things will turn out fine..

 

[PinkDiamonds]

Hello Snowberries!

I know exactly how you feel as I was in the same shoes as you last year! I did not even hit my 21st birthday and found that I was 6 weeks pregnant.

My hubby is 9 yrs my senior so he could support and his parents were okay with it. When we told my parents, my mum looked like she was going to skin my hubby alive! But now my mum dote on my girl sooooo much.

Although my hubby can support, my side obviously couldn't. I was studying & working PT. My girl is now almost 4 months and I am still studying full-time and looking after her on my non-school days. When I go to school my parents will usually help to look after.

It is definitely not easy at all, because you have to think of where you going to stay, who is going to look after, how you going to juggle school and baby, and also the 1001 things you have to buy for the baby, and medical fees.

I will not lie and say that it has been an easy journey for us to come to this. In 6 months we got married, had our wedding, buy a flat & moved in to our new lovenest 1 week before I gave birth.

For us, we never considered an abortion. I feel that you must be willing to take up the responsibility to look after the child because once you have the baby, the world is not about you anymore. You have to make many sacrifices. Like cannot hang out with your friends so often, cannot go out late, etc.

Now besides going to school, my free time I reserved for baby & housework. The only time I have to myself is when I go to school when I don't have my baby with me. Even my available spare time is after my girl sleep (8pm), which I spend to do homework, assignments, study for exams, (and surf forums LOL).

A lot of adjustment had to be made. You must get adjusted to married life - again this is about the 2 of u no more boyfriend and girlfriend. You must get adjusted to being a mummy & daddy, you must get adjusted to doing a lot of things on your own, and to make your own decisions. It is not only physically, like not enough sleep, but can also be emotionally draining.

BUT. If you really are willing to make these sacrifices and willing to walk into a new chapter in your life, don't worry you got all of us here!

 

[ziyrlvliina.love4eva]

well, not everyone will have a happy ending and vise versa.
there are many mums here who divorced, or single mums, that found good guys.
we cant be that subjective.
be more optimistic.

At the end of the day, its not only abt urself. u can find a good man. But can he be a good step-father? Think abt all the child abuse cases. Its all abt our children. We should be willing to give up anything and everything for them if we choose to keep them. We should be thinking for them before we do anything that benefits us more than them.

 

[Ting]

At the end of the day, its not only about yourself. you can find a good man. But can he be a good step-father? Think about all the child abuse cases. Its all about our children. We should be willing to give up anything and everything for them if we choose to keep them. We should be thinking for them before we do anything that benefits us more than them.

well, obviously when i said that the mums who found a good guy meant that they care and love for their child, if not how would he be good?
and fyi, most abuse cases occur bcos their own mother allow it to. the mother shld be smart enuf to judge whether this man is good enough.
and do you also know that many blood parents also abuse their child?
ppl who abuse children (or even animals) are sick in the mind, so in what sense can they be a good person?
perhaps you dont understand where im coming from, bcos, im just sayin, dont be so subjective, just bcos you met one bad guy, dont mean all the rest are bad.
i know it bcos, ive met my share of lousy guys and now ive met my current bf who is an amazing guy who cares very well not just for me but also for pin.

 

[DaddySteben]

Thanks all...

I am actually reading all replies everyday.

Do keep them coming...I am still in the going thru discussion with my bf and keep asking ourselves the same questions that some of you posted.

Hi snowbearries,

a new life wont affect someone life, a new life only brings joy. just have to remb one thing, life is difficult thou but.. it's an lil life in YOU.. only u have the decision on what to do next.. life is precious, cherish it and u wont be regret in the future.

when my girl found out she was already 18 weeks pregnant, we were also very lost about it.. but think about it, it's a life, no matter how hard no matter how tired it is, is a life that both of you had created. since things had happen just let it be, re-organised all the things in ur life that u have made. changes does change life. :001_302:

just an 2 cent comment..

God Bless..

 

[ziyrlvliina.love4eva]

well, obviously when i said that the mums who found a good guy meant that they care and love for their child, if not how would he be good?
and fyi, most abuse cases occur bcos their own mother allow it to. the mother shld be smart enuf to judge whether this man is good enough.
and do you also know that many blood parents also abuse their child?
ppl who abuse children (or even animals) are sick in the mind, so in what sense can they be a good person?
perhaps you dont understand where im coming from, bcos, im just sayin, dont be so subjective, just bcos you met one bad guy, dont mean all the rest are bad.
i know it bcos, ive met my share of lousy guys and now ive met my current bf who is an amazing guy who cares very well not just for me but also for pin.

Oops, sorry. Just realised that you are actually a single mother. Apologies for not being able to understand you. However, how smart can we be if we have children before marriage? And in your case, not being with the man who fathered your girl. I am not trying to be sarcastic here. But you mentioned smart. And i am not saying that we are dumb. Those mothers who did not realise that their child is being abused are mostly blinded by love. I just want you to understand my point. I am listing out the possibilities. NOT saying that it would definitely happen. Enough said. I am just out to list all the future possible consequences, not against anyone or anybody of having a bf either unmarried with a child or after divorcing. Afterall, we are just letting our views known to snowbearries for the sake of her and her family.


Do not bother to reply to my post as i dont visit this site regularly.


Thank You.

 

[Ting]

so i ASSUME you are saying those who had kids before marriage are not smart?
well, im sure you're offending many mothers here already.
FYI, if you READ properly, my point of smart is the ABUSE part, nth to do with having kids before marriage, pls do read and understand properly before making out of point remarks.
so you are also saying im stupid by not being with my ex? you dont even know anything that happen, so pls, do READ again, or ASK if you want to.
i agree we are just listing out the future possibilities, but pls go back and read the first post you have posted and how negative and offensive it is to some ppl out here.
perhaps you are not in our positions, thus its impossible for you to actually realise the situation, we are advising her on what we've been thru, not what we assume will happen.



JMHO.