Does my husband feels like our baby is a burden?

[Chewysee]

Hi mummies, I need to know what you feel about my situation. This is gonna be a long post but please bear with me.

My husband and I are expecting our baby boy on 11 nov 2012 (24 weeks now), this is an unplanned pregnancy and I'm 20 and he is 22. He is working while I'm not, so financially I have to depend on him for everything. We started to buy baby things for the first time like clothes, sterilizer and etc last week at expo baby fair and fortunately, we had his mum to accompany us and she was kind enough to buy so many things for baby.

No.1, when we were at the baby fair, he seemed impatient, like I wasn't even done with shopping at the baby fair, he was like "I think nothing to buy Liao la, let's go" and I just kept quite as his mother was there and I didnt want to be like "oh... I haven't fully utilize your mother's money for baby, so let's continue" you know what I mean?

No.2, I was at taka with my mother and brother the other day and so I went down to the baby fair and took a look at the prams they offer as we weren't able to see what the baby expo had to offer as he was so rush the other day. Then I saw this pram which costs 600++, which I thought was good thou I know it's too expensive but I gave him a call anyway to inform him abt the price. Then he was like "Walau, ofcourse very expensive la" at that point of time I was super angry because I recalled the price of a pram at baby expo that I saw which costs only 299, then I replied "you see! That day at the baby expo don't know you rushing for what, 299 one don't even want to take a look, now tell you 600++ one you kpkb" then he just kept quiet. But ofc the 600$ pram and 299$ pram were different brands. Okay nvm,

No.3 Ytd night, I told him, "next week we go down taka baby fair again k? We buy some receiving blankets and mittens for baby" then he was like "the receiving blanket is a must? If don't have cannot?" okay, I don't know if don't have cannot or not, but the other day my mum asked if I bought receiving blankets from baby expo anot so I assumed it is a must have, but anyway, even if its not a must, can't we buy for baby? It's not like the blanket will cost 600$ right?

Overall, I have to clarify one thing, his salary is on the average side, is able to feed both baby and I. We haven't had our Chinese wedding yet, so we have to save up for baby and also our wedding. So if he was so particular abt money because of these reasons I can understand, BUT since can afford to paint his car and modify his car (he is planning to) which costs more than 1000 over dollars then why baby's pram 600$ too expensive? Receiving blanket I want to buy, cannot meh? These baby things are necessary. His re painting of car is just for luxury. So can you mummies tell me, is he being selfish? Or does he thinks that me and my son is being a burden to him?

Oh... And 1 more thing, I'm always very excited abt meeting our son, I'm always talking about him and everything. But he never talk abt him, always just give a small smile back to me when ever I talk to him about baby.

 

[Chewysee]

I have to add that he encourages me to go out more often. But go out = spend money. Then when I want to claim from him, he doesn't want to give me. I also not working, then u don't want to give me money, how I survive?

 

[andieluv2]

as this is an unplanned pregnancy, it means that alot of stuff u guys wanna do may gotta be postponed or cancelled to this. its not that ur baby is not worth the trouble but sometimes it frustrates u abit. car=man's 2nd love. paint his car is like women buying new clothes and shoes. a must for us. maybe its the same for ur hub. its his pride to have a nice car. thou we always.make this mistake, all woman doea, we always.compare who is.more impt. in fact man hate us to compare things or him with someone else.

buying baby stuff cost alot ALOT!! whn we had our baby, my hub was happy but stressed oso. even thou both.of us are working and earning pretty good wages. but u will still feel the stress. somwtimes whn he's bck he got tired face. i ask.him wat.happened? he say gotta work extra hard to get 奶粉钱...

recieving blanket to me is essential nahz. if u dun have can use towel. but towel can be.too hot to wrap a long period of time. a good brand is carter's 5pc per pack receiving.blanket. it cost abt 20bucks.per pack. u can get in baby expo. taka.is good to get big.stuff like cot/ pram etc but not.good for small things.like clothes wraps as i think its pretty.expensive. taka itself is an expensive.plc. baby expo is still.cheaper. u can go to kakit.bukit baby kingdom and baby.hyperstore to buy ur pram. we got us.from there. the quinny pram.in taka and baby expo is from the. they are the main distributor for quinny in singapore. they oao have.other brands like quinny and combi thr and if i.not wrong u can pay by.installment. so not so stain on ur financial. online is oso a good source to buy thibgs. if u need a breast.pump, u can rent and all.no need to buy unless u.plan for a.2nd baby.soon so u can keep and use later.

bottomlin talk to ur husband. he may not rhink that u guys are a burden. but sometimea whn things or issue pop up suddenly and changes occur, not everyone will react the same. even thou it may be a happy occasion. most mummies here went thru marriage.and.pregnancy and will tell u it cost a.BOMB to get.married.and have a baby in.sg. welcome to singapore. thays wat my frens.told me. so its natural.he feel stress esp if.he's the.sole.bread winner.

u can go ouy and.not.spend money! like.go to a.park and.walk. spend time walking and talking communicating with ur baby. walking is good!

 

[Chewysee]

The part where the asking his car look nice is his pride I understand, but the thing is, we are having a baby now, shouldnt he be saving the money for bb instead of doing all those things if he already know baby cot and prams and etc is very costly? Receiving blanket, yes i know it shouldnt cost a bomb, but ytd when i told him about it, his reaction was like he dont even want to spend 20 bucks for it. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it. Our baby is a living thing leh... He should be his priority. Why do I feel like I'm alone in this pregnancy all the time? Like at least your husband is happy. Mine shows no interest. This baby really taught me a big lesson in my life. Other young girls busy partying and studying and flirting with hot guys. I busy crying everyday because of these things, stuck in a life I'm not prepared for. Even if I talk to him, he'll say things I wanna hear in order not to make me feel sad. I really just want to faster give birth and faster go work and pay for my own things and baby's. So he don't have to ask "why must I give you money?" and when I think of paying everything for myself and drawing a line between us financially, I really don't know what's the point of getting married then? If even money we also have to separate so clearly... Then are we really man and wife?

 

[belwishupon]

U r young. 20 right. I gv birth at 21 too.. At that point of time, it's really exactly like u.. He is 3 yrs older only n we are both like party animal. I gave birth to a lovely son, hv many wonderful memories.. But things nv last long. Sorry to say the truth is that he hv an affair after my son turn one. He didn't came back, he quite rich at that point of time n hv sport car etc. woman alot. He bought a flat too but ended up is divorce. My son is 3-4 at that point of time.. Hmm, communication is impt. Cause both are still in a dillemma at that time, I think I'm not sure how to sustain n both hv fault too. Now I think bk , I nv regret to gv birth to my son at all but sadly is.. My son suffer alot, emotionally he is really upset all the time. Since u step out n choose to gv birth n married, go ahead n try tr best to maintain this marriage.. Wat ever comes just treat it as a day pass, solve the prob is most impt. I suggest u can buy cheaper pram cos it's a necessity but not luxury, u can save for the marriage. One more thing, I nv work that time, I suffer alot when trying to return to work force. Nv rely on a man too much. Work for yr own happiness, u can buy yr stuffs n bb things instead of tk from him. I don't think they feel bb is a burden la, when the moment they saw the bb out is another story. Some even cried and change their life..

 

[rosemummy]

It's always hard to ask for money from a man regardless whether your husband or bf.
Women always put baby first and we would be willing to splurge on baby stuff.
Better to be self sufficient and get our own money and buy baby stuff.
no need get all brand new. Some preloved items are as good as new.
You can check out Buzzy tots group in Facebook. Many mummies I knew are self sufficient, save every cent for their baby.
Some have to wait till end month husband gives money then can buy things. It's sad to hear this too.

The part where the asking his car look nice is his pride I understand, but the thing is, we are having a baby now, shouldnt he be saving the money for bb instead of doing all those things if he already know baby cot and prams and etc is very costly? Receiving blanket, yes i know it shouldnt cost a bomb, but ytd when i told him about it, his reaction was like he dont even want to spend 20 bucks for it. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it. Our baby is a living thing leh... He should be his priority. Why do I feel like I'm alone in this pregnancy all the time? Like at least your husband is happy. Mine shows no interest. This baby really taught me a big lesson in my life. Other young girls busy partying and studying and flirting with hot guys. I busy crying everyday because of these things, stuck in a life I'm not prepared for. Even if I talk to him, he'll say things I wanna hear in order not to make me feel sad. I really just want to faster give birth and faster go work and pay for my own things and baby's. So he don't have to ask "why must I give you money?" and when I think of paying everything for myself and drawing a line between us financially, I really don't know what's the point of getting married then? If even money we also have to separate so clearly... Then are we really man and wife?

 

[Chewysee]

U r young. 20 right. I gv birth at 21 too.. At that point of time, it's really exactly like u.. He is 3 yrs older only n we are both like party animal. I gave birth to a lovely son, hv many wonderful memories.. But things nv last long. Sorry to say the truth is that he hv an affair after my son turn one. He didn't came back, he quite rich at that point of time n hv sport car etc. woman alot. He bought a flat too but ended up is divorce. My son is 3-4 at that point of time.. Hmm, communication is impt. Cause both are still in a dillemma at that time, I think I'm not sure how to sustain n both hv fault too. Now I think bk , I nv regret to gv birth to my son at all but sadly is.. My son suffer alot, emotionally he is really upset all the time. Since u step out n choose to gv birth n married, go ahead n try tr best to maintain this marriage.. Wat ever comes just treat it as a day pass, solve the prob is most impt. I suggest u can buy cheaper pram cos it's a necessity but not luxury, u can save for the marriage. One more thing, I nv work that time, I suffer alot when trying to return to work force. Nv rely on a man too much. Work for yr own happiness, u can buy yr stuffs n bb things instead of tk from him. I don't think they feel bb is a burden la, when the moment they saw the bb out is another story. Some even cried and change their life..

About getting married at such a young age, i really have fear too. Too many live examples around me already. Couple get married young then get divorce 1 - 2 years later. Then is the girl who will suffer the most. And also the kid who gets neglected for nothing. Yea. i guess for now, whatever he want to get for bb, be it a cheaper pram or a 2nd hand one, i also have to take it. When i come out and work. That's when i will become dragon again. I really hope to see his reaction when he sees baby. Cause for now, i really cannot feel the love he has for our baby. Is this normal? Does your ex-husband show alot of love when you were pregnant with your boy?

 

[Chewysee]

It's always hard to ask for money from a man regardless whether your husband or bf.
Women always put baby first and we would be willing to splurge on baby stuff.
Better to be self sufficient and get our own money and buy baby stuff.
no need get all brand new. Some preloved items are as good as new.
You can check out Buzzy tots group in Facebook. Many mummies I knew are self sufficient, save every cent for their baby.
Some have to wait till end month husband gives money then can buy things. It's sad to hear this too.

Hi Rosemummy,

Yea. i've come to learnt that its better to rely on myself than to rely on him. The existence of our baby really thought me so much. Use other people's money still have to see their face. Better earn myself some money instead. Your friends are lucky enough their husband even give them pocket money every month. Mine doesnt. Thanks for the fb page. i'm gonna check it out now

 

[Jojoai]

My hubby also the same. When go the baby fair rush rush rush. And I'm supposed to be living off his pay. But he is in ns only $400. And I have to take from my mom so embarrassing you know. /: but he can just spend his 400$ on games. And there goes his pay. Travel also take cab ask him to take public transport save money he say time spend very impt. Zzzz!!! Totally never save anything. Now I'm even using my own savings to take care of him. ): buying stuff he says everything don't need cot bed also don't need ?!?! Sleep on floor can alrdy. Till I have to secretly go out and buy. But he willing to spend 900$ on pram because hes sister told him th model very good but I find it bo hua. So ex. I told him wait till baby fair he said baby fair won't have this good model de. ): so Everytime I just close one eye and pray that one day he will wake up and understand. Furthermore I don't have th energy to say him anymore. Be strong okay. I keep telling myself for bb sake don't care about him. Let him do what he wants. Until I give birth then say. Sigh. Be strong ! Do it for baby.

 

[andieluv2]

another things is that women tent to mature alot whn they have babies. maybe u're going thru the process while ur hubbie isnt. thats why he feels that spending thousands of dollars on car is more essential. try talking to.him again. dun give up! for baby's sake.

 

[Chewysee]

What pram are you guys using? Anyway I already don't have the energy to hope that my husband will wake up and realize that what I ask him to help bb buy is necessary. If he don't want to buy I am sure I can find another way. I feel so threatened because I'm not working and have to rely on him. I even do it to the extend that I tell him, from now on, everything that I buy using his money for bb, I will calculate properly and will return the money to him when I go out to work. What to do, not everybody is so blessed in life. I might not be able to let my son live a luxurious life, but Im sure as hell I'll give the best of everything within my ability just to put a smile on his face.

 

[Jojoai]

Find a home based job. I'm so called working for my mother and brother now doing accountings and all that. Is super tiring. But it's like I have to raise 2 kids at the same time. Earn some extra cash so that you won't feel so threatened by it anymore.

 

[MamaDT]

Hi Mummies..
I feel communication with hubby is impt..

Try this:
few days before preparing gg to any babyfairs, let him know what items u wanna see and around how much is the budget.. let him know that you have done some 'homework' comparing prices here and there while he is busy working to get his financials and let him know that if the baby items are indeed much better and cheaper at baby fairs, then u will buy. this will give him the assurance that you are trying your best to make good use of his/his mummy's baby ang pow. (haha sometimes we assume our hubby knows we are trying to help them save as much money burden as possible but actually the fact is most men are "woodblock". u need to tell them straightforward how u feel in a calm and nice manner)

Also, prepare a list of items u feel are essentials for newborns stage. show it to him way before u go to any fairs with him so that he is aware of time spent at the usually crowded baby fair .

i guess most men are the same when it comes to shopping - impatient, hate crowds and not so detailed. so being a woman, we can always highlight to them on small tiny detailed things and let them be mentally prepared of what kinda things they are gonna see and experience through when they go with us to baby shopping. =)

i am also staying at home for the past few months now coz i keep puking and my hubby feels that i am unsuitable to go to work. i wanna go out walk walk window shop or go back office and work leh but puke everyday until very tired then cannot go to work and cannot go baby fairs yet.. so while i am at home during this time, i do some reading on pregnancy, what should daddy expects during labour and our emotionals during the different trimesters, some research on baby items and comparing prices online once in awhile. After reading all these, i will share with my busy husband during weekends at breakfast on the pages that he should read for his knowledge (helps to shorten his time on researching what to expect as a daddy to be) and letting him know the budgets and items to buy and what can be bought preloved.

of course, there are times where us (mummies to be staying at home) will tend to get very emotional up and down like roller coasters. try to calm yourself down and snap yourself up when u feel super down coz your baby can feel you in your tummy. Us, mummies-to-be tend to be more matured than daddies, so bear with it during this time. Believe that it is worth it at this moment, will be worthwhile when baby is born and believe Daddy will start to mature will they see their baby coming to this new world. =)

Cheers to our motherhood! ancing_wub:

 

[mskyliee]

Prolly u can buy the most important one first... pram can wait for awhile then buy since baby won't be using it till prolly 3mths... there is always baby fairs around the year...

Worry about the baby's necessity first... ie bottles, breast pump(if want to save more, latch on!),clothes (I didn't buy many nb clothes, cos relatives and friends gave quite a few nb sets during full month, plus got many preloved clothing from relatives ), pampers,etc....

Seriously agree that cannot depend on men, be it physically, mentally and emotionally. We women have to be strong... sometimes it's just plain lucky if the men helps in taking care of kid or doing house work...

 

[MamaDT]

Find a home based job. I'm so called working for my mother and brother now doing accountings and all that. Is super tiring. But it's like I have to raise 2 kids at the same time. Earn some extra cash so that you won't feel so threatened by it anymore.

I agree with Jojai! Can find home based. Or if you are fit to go out (unlike me), go find yourself an office part time job ^^. You will get income yourself. But with regards to the calculate and return every cent back to him that part - i think no lah.. just let it go. he got pay, then let him pay lor. else, returning every cent back to him might backfire on your relationship when u shd actually be working on better relationship at this time. man has their ego yah =)

 

[belwishupon]

U r young. 20 right. I gv birth at 21 too.. At that point of time, it's really exactly like u.. He is 3 yrs older only n we are both like party animal. I gave birth to a lovely son, hv many wonderful memories.. But things nv last long. Sorry to say the truth is that he hv an affair after my son turn one. He didn't came back, he quite rich at that point of time n hv sport car etc. woman alot. He bought a flat too but ended up is divorce. My son is 3-4 at that point of time.. Hmm, communication is impt. Cause both are still in a dillemma at that time, I think I'm not sure how to sustain n both hv fault too. Now I think bk , I nv regret to gv birth to my son at all but sadly is.. My son suffer alot, emotionally he is really upset all the time. Since u step out n choose to gv birth n married, go ahead n try tr best to maintain this marriage.. Wat ever comes just treat it as a day pass, solve the prob is most impt. I suggest u can buy cheaper pram cos it's a necessity but not luxury, u can save for the marriage. One more thing, I nv work that time, I suffer alot when trying to return to work force. Nv rely on a man too much. Work for yr own happiness, u can buy yr stuffs n bb things instead of tk from him. I don't think they feel bb is a burden la, when the moment they saw the bb out is another story. Some even cried and change their life..

About getting married at such a young age, i really have fear too. Too many live examples around me already. Couple get married young then get divorce 1 - 2 years later. Then is the girl who will suffer the most. And also the kid who gets neglected for nothing. Yea. i guess for now, whatever he want to get for bb, be it a cheaper pram or a 2nd hand one, i also have to take it. When i come out and work. That's when i will become dragon again. I really hope to see his reaction when he sees baby. Cause for now, i really cannot feel the love he has for our baby. Is this normal? Does your ex-husband show alot of love when you were pregnant with your boy?

We eat sleep and even shower tog that time. He scare I fall. We was once very loving. Weird thing happen when I delivering my boy, I guess is the part whereby the nurses ask him tk look underneath for the bb head. I think it scare him lor cause after that we seldom make love. So I suggest u don't let yr hubby look dwn. Ask him stand beside u, hold yr hand n back to support. I remarried, current hubby did that and I think it's great. So I think it's individual lor. Some don't even go in. Some guys feel disgusted after seeing vagina open so big until a bb comes out. U know wat I mean..

 

[shermyn]

Hi dear, in all this kind of unplanned pregnancy, the guys are always like this unless the guy has been hoping to have a kid of his own.

I got pregnant and married at 20, my hubby wasn't working tt time & he was like everyday outside w his friends and I'm like working,preparing baby stuff and feeding him too. I even blamed why his parents had never initiated to prep baby's things. I prep everything w the help of my mum n sis. Tts when u know tt family is the only one u can turn to for all those supports even if they oppose to our marriage initially. Of cos, he wasn't tt faithful to me throughout this marriage but I continued to hang on and he finally "matured", start working and we have been pretty close since then. And now when I'm expecting my no. 2, he hasn't really purchased any baby items for our no. 2 except a mini playpen and he has initiated going to check ups w me.

So dear girl, do understand ur hubby is young too n he do not have those "mother instincts" like us so to him,every single money spend on baby is like "sure need? Can don't buy blah blah" kind of thinking. Like all mummies said,talk to him in a calm manner,let him know u're not using his money for granted and u r doing ur part to help him save. Most impt, when we marry young,do not always say/think abt divorce easily.

Find some home based job,at least have a lil income and u won't have tt much free time to think abt the negative points.
A happy mummy will have a happy baby,work towards this ya?

 

[shermyn]

And ya talking about ego, yes! Some of his young man friends may start teasing him if he behaves too fatherly or not willing to spend. So sometimes its all this stupid friends tt cause us to suffer a lil.

 

[Mandy Wong]

Since yours is an unplanned pregnancy, maybe he is not ready to be a father yet and now had to become a father so maybe he felt a bit frustrated or confused. Both of you are very young. It is indeed too early to have a child. But since all this had already happened, i guess you just had to live with it. I think he is not ready for the child or for marriage.

 

[belwishupon]

Agree with shermy! Their frds and so call buddies play a big part. But u can't say bad or oppose him gg out with thm. He will feel u r trying to control him etc like his mum. Best is to let him go and let him see his so call frd true color. Some frd are like got $ thn yr frd lor. No $ thn Siam far away.