Feeling super super insecure

[Ivy Miao]

I think this is a good forum to let ask mummies about what Im feeling and facing now. Let me introduce myself. Im 25yrs old stayed home mum and is married to husband who is 21yrs older than me. (I dun think age matters) Had a son who is 2years old now and currently 35weeks preg with girl.

Recently I realised i had social withdrawals. I dun like vistors, phone ringing (other than my husband calls) I just like to be with my son and husband. I dun like to talk to anybody other than husband. Husband said there's something wrong with me. I said.. Maybe, but I dunno why I'm like that. I seriously dunno.

Recently, husband got another job interview with better prospect. As a wife, I should be happy for him, yes? I should!! But coming to think that he maybe alot richer, he might have affairs. He's indonesian chinese and has got really sweet tongue! He doesnt know HOW to draw lines between female collegues, female friends and wife. All he knows is as long as I didnt do anything unfaithful, Im fine. But he doesnt know that sometimes his impression that gives to his female collegues are.... "I like you" But the fact that he is not. Its just his character and attitude of treating women. Some women may get the wrong idea. He's sensitive to metal or chrome. Hence not wearing wedding rings. (-.-) Had got lots of older guys who are really rich, married, had children but keeping mistress. 9/10 keep mistresses.

Husband keep assuring me that he will NEVER NEVER EVER have any affairs. His assurance assured me for that moment. But after a few months, that insecure feeling came back. And I will ask him.... "What if you have affair outside?" He's dead drop generous to everyone. That's what Im afraid women may take advantages of his generousity and "likes" him. Honestly, no man can resist temptation EVERYTIME. Once or twice, maybe..

I myself came from a broken family. Seeing how loving my dad and mum were, to quarrelling everynight and ended up divorce, fighting for children custody, did leave a scar in my mind abt marriage. To be truthful, I dun trust MAN. Given the BEST MAN in the world, there will be still doubts whether he will have affair. In marriage, there should have trust and honesty. Trust!!!


I did thought of seeing a psychiatrist. Mummies, do you think I should?

 

[lyra]

Maybe you should see a counsellor. You can google for a family service center near you or a religious center counsellor if you have a religion. Have a heart to heart talk with someone and not keep everything inside your heart. This is not good for you. Maybe you can go for a holiday with your family and take a good break. It is normal to have some feelings of doubts. I think most women do but if you start to be suspicious even before you ave any evidence, then it's not normal. Focus on the good and the positive ok?

 

[posh]

Maybe you should see a counsellor. You can google for a family service center near you or a religious center counsellor if you have a religion. Have a heart to heart talk with someone and not keep everything inside your heart. This is not good for you. Maybe you can go for a holiday with your family and take a good break. It is normal to have some feelings of doubts. I think most women do but if you start to be suspicious even before you ave any evidence, then it's not normal. Focus on the good and the positive ok?

Yes agreed, you should seek help and find someone to talk to.

 

[Ivy Miao]

Thanks mummies, I will google to see if there's any family service centre near my place. But they aren't professional psychiatrist, yes??

 

[MamabbJ]

Hi Ivy Miao,

Your new beautiful baby is going to be born very soon. Plse focus on the more important and happy moments with your baby and son. Do not let your doubts about your husband about wht's going to happen in future worry you unnecessarily. Don't predict or forecast a bleak future. Nobody really knows wht's going to happen even tomorrow.

I do undestd that you have had a unhappy family experience and that would have contributed greatly to wht you are feeling now. Any woman would feel that way too given the circumstances... I've seen and experienced it in my family too.

If both of you have a grounding in religion eg. faith and fear in the Almighty God it will definitely give you a different and helpful perspective. God sees all. Nothing is hidden from Him.

I would not recommend a pscyhiatrist at this moment. A pscyhiatrist is basically a medical doctor trained in pscyhiatry and often times they may prescribe medications for their patients. You may want to consider talking to a marriage counsellor or a psychologist instead.
These usually offer non-drug solutions and give alternative views in how we should look at the problems, how to communicate better, how to think out of the box, etc.

Take care. Marriage is really a long, working journey... trust is essential.

 

[MamabbJ]

You may want to try this professional counselling centre:
:: Living Effectively.com :: by the Centre of Effective Living (Pte) Ltd

I have not engaged them before so would not knw if they are good or otherwise.
But I think I may try their services if my current trauma (PTSD) is not getting any better... sigh...

 

[Dilys]

Thanks mummies, I will google to see if there's any family service centre near my place. But they aren't professional psychiatrist, yes??

Hi dear,

You dont't need a professional psychiatrist to help you ! you just need someone to talk all your issues out ... After all it really depends on yourself. For you I think you will just need a normal counselling then you will be again on right track. Trust is very important since both of you r married, you should have trust instead of thinking of such neg things.

*doesnt mean that only rich man will have mistress... A poor man can have one too ! Guys who sweet talk doesn't mean anything .. Some who are "nerdy" maybe those dangerous one. Some men just love to sweet talk but it doesn't mean anything... Most important is how your hubby is treating you... Care, concern & love. I am sure he loves you .

 

[Ivy Miao]

Hi Ivy Miao,

Your new beautiful baby is going to be born very soon. Plse focus on the more important and happy moments with your baby and son. Do not let your doubts about your husband about wht's going to happen in future worry you unnecessarily. dont't predict or forecast a bleak future. Nobody really knows wht's going to happen even tomorrow.

I do undestd that you have had a unhappy family experience and that would have contributed greatly to wht you are feeling now. Any woman would feel that way too given the circumstances... I've seen and experienced it in my family too.

If both of you have a grounding in religion eg. faith and fear in the Almighty God it will definitely give you a different and helpful perspective. God sees all. Nothing is hidden from Him.

I would not recommend a pscyhiatrist at this moment. A pscyhiatrist is basically a medical doctor trained in pscyhiatry and often times they may prescribe medications for their patients. You may want to consider talking to a marriage counsellor or a psychologist instead.
These usually offer non-drug solutions and give alternative views in how we should look at the problems, how to communicate better, how to think out of the box, etc.

Take care. Marriage is really a long, working journey... trust is essential.

Hi, Thanks for your encouragement. It's my one sided problem. To be honest, husband is really sweet and caring. ITS MEEEEE!!! To the point that he said he had never seen such an amazing women with such a amazing brain thinking and suspecting until like that. I talked to him. He said I need to tell myself, I have to trust my husband.. Saying is easy.. Been telling myself that!! Husband is great! He wont betray me. Moreover, he's been so sweet and caring towards me. BUT... My somehow, somewhere, some cells in my brain or, rather.... my mind tells me NOT to trust man!! Its like... Having an angel and a demon side by side. One telling you the good, another one telling you the bad.

The only secure he gives me is when he is next to me, by my side. 24hour, 7days. If he leaves my side, problem starts. I cant imagine when he has to travel just after my new born is out. Its business trip. I had Post-Natal Depression when he travelled for his business trip after my first son is born. After Doctor Diagnose me with the syndrome, he kept me companied for few days. Not even stepping out of the house. I dun want to have the same problem when my girl is out. Moreover, this round I didnt engaged CL. Its too ex to get one.

I dunno if it helps to see a Psychologist. Imagine facing a stranger and talk? After a few minutes u start to tear?? That will be really awkward.

 

[Ivy Miao]

You may want to try this professional counselling centre:
:: Living Effectively.com :: by the Centre of Effective Living (Pte) Ltd

I have not engaged them before so would not knw if they are good or otherwise.
But I think I may try their services if my current trauma (PTSD) is not getting any better... sigh...

Hi mummy, I presume PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?? My! It must be hard for you. Work stress? I've seen the website you send. They didnt state the price. Having 2 children, I have to watch my expenses carefully. Im trying the brain wash method on myself first. See if it help in a months time. IF.. (Touchwood) I happen to have Post-Natal blues again, I will engage their service. U take care of yourself! =)

 

[Ivy Miao]

Hi dear,

You dont't need a professional psychiatrist to help you ! you just need someone to talk all your issues out ... After all it really depends on yourself. For you I think you will just need a normal counselling then you will be again on right track. Trust is very important since both of you r married, you should have trust instead of thinking of such neg things.

*doesnt mean that only rich man will have mistress... A poor man can have one too ! Guys who sweet talk doesn't mean anything .. Some who are "nerdy" maybe those dangerous one. Some men just love to sweet talk but it doesn't mean anything... Most important is how your hubby is treating you... Care, concern & love. I am sure he loves you .

My.. Dilys mummy, my husband said the saaaame sentence as you!!! Those you quote with * Lolx.. Still not very convincing.. I always tell him.. 10 sentence a man said, only 1 is truth. The rest are just to entertain you, makes you feel better and stop questioning them. I know he loves me. But man can looove many women!! I know a rich man who dotes his wife so so much and have 6 girlfriends. I met ALL his 6 girlfriends and he treat them ALL the same! Same tender loving care!!

 

[Dilys]

My.. Dilys mummy, my husband said the saaaame sentence as you!!! Those you quote with * Lolx.. Still not very convincing.. I always tell him.. 10 sentence a man said, only 1 is truth. The rest are just to entertain you, makes you feel better and stop questioning them. I know he loves me. But man can looove many women!! I know a rich man who dotes his wife so so much and have 6 girlfriends. I met ALL his 6 girlfriends and he treat them ALL the same! Same tender loving care!!

Hi dear...

Then I think seriously u need some counselling. I am just curious why u married him in the 1st place if u don't trust him ?? Hehe the only to solve ur problem is that he don't work & stay with u 24 hrs at home. It's not fair to compare your hubby with other men.

You shouldn't be worried too much.. Life is short u never know what happen tomorrow. I always believe if u n ur hubby are meant to be nothing could separate u both. Jia you !!!

 

[Ivy Miao]

Married to him because I was preg. Lolx... I know it's not fair to have him compare with others. personally, I know. I can't control my mind! That's why u said I need counselling. I agree! With my social withdrawal problem, meeting a counsellor will be a challenge.

I will try to tell myself what u just said, everyday. Hopefully this works for me... U must have 100% trust with ur husband? Is that what u tell urself everyday? If you and ur hubby are meant to be, nothing can separate u both...

 

[Dilys]

Married to him because I was preg. Lolx... I know it's not fair to have him compare with others. personally, I know. I can't control my mind! That's why u said I need counselling. I agree! With my social withdrawal problem, meeting a counsellor will be a challenge.

I will try to tell myself what u just said, everyday. Hopefully this works for me... U must have 100% trust with ur husband? Is that what u tell urself everyday? If you and ur hubby are meant to be, nothing can separate u both...

Hi dear,

Oh .. U married because u r preggie?? Maybe this is why u feel abit insecure.. & u r young. Everything was not planned that's why u r feeling scared because u dont understand him well. Don't worry I believed that a counsellor will know how to help u if u visit one. By visiting one, at least u can see if it helps u abit. But really after all it's ur own mentality.

Yes. I got 100% trust on my hubby. I m 28 years old. My hubby & I dating for 4 yrs ,married for 5 yrs. total I"ve spend my life with this lovely man for total 9 years. We knew each other inside out & outside in. Just an eye contact or a gesture we each other know what we want. I don't tell myself I need to trust my hubby everyday.. The trust is already embedded in me.

We understand each other well. We have the same objective.. We know life is short so we treasure every little time n things we do together. We have been tru thick & thins together..we are always walking tru the same path everyday happily. We don't believe in worrying for such little things (*lacking of trust), we believed in treasure time together & worry.

Life is short.. U shouldn't worry so much. Treasure the every moment with your hubby.. He is sweet n nice .. Appriecate what he is doing for u rather than having doubt on him.

Maybe I have seen tru life.. People around... Life is just simply fragile.. U never know what will happen tomorrow....
Let me shared with u something...

A friend like u .. She is always having doubt on her hubby. She simply don't trust her hubby even thou he assure her so many times. We dont understand why also as her friends. It become a unwanted stress incurred on her hubby..they always quarrel because of such issues that affect their lovely moments together.

One day... Her hubby was on a businesstrip ,driving.. Wife called n start asking him alot of questions like where is he, what is he doing, is he with his female colleague.. After answer all the questions, the wife still having doubts don't believe that there is no one in the car with her hubby (he was alone driving). Wife insist that they do a phone video in the car while he is driving.

So hubby try to do a video call in the mist of driving... Just a min.. What was heard was a loud "crash". The hubby got into an accident. The whole car got smashed,hubby got into hospital seriously injured.

Wife came to visit him the next following day.. On his last breathe.. He told his wife " dear, I hope that from now on you will be happier without me around,being with me u r suffering everyday having doubts on me", I hope that u could "trust me" if we are able to meet again in our next life" I really love to spend every little day happily with u instead of quarreling with u." I love u !

These are his last words to her. Then.. After she came back to Singapore.. While packing her hubby's stuff one day.. He found a diary which he have been writing when he is still around.. Some of the days... It"s written ... Today wifey & me quarrel again.. What did I do wrong... How much more I can assure her to trust me. I really love her but ... Why.. What should I do to make her happy??

After reading the diary, my friend realized that everything is too late.. She should treasure the time with her hubby then to spend the time doubting her hubby.

Okie after hearing this true story.. I hope u get what I m trying to tell u.

 

[Ivy Miao]

Dilys mummy, u make me cryyyyyyyy!!! This story does help me a little. Thank u for sharing. My husband and I dated for 4yrs before I got preg. So now, it's total of 6yrs together. I do know him inside out. That's the whole trouble lo. Because I know how he treats women, thus the insecure feeling. Okok... After reading ur story, I MUST TRUST HIM!!! )

 

[Dilys]

Dilys mummy, u make me cryyyyyyyy!!! This story does help me a little. Thank u for sharing. My husband and I dated for 4yrs before I got preg. So now, it's total of 6yrs together. I do know him inside out. That's the whole trouble lo. Because I know how he treats women, thus the insecure feeling. Okok... After reading ur story, I MUST TRUST HIM!!! )

Hi dear,

This is a true life story.. Till now my friend still tell me. She regrets for not trusting her hubby. The accident really woke my friend up completely. Now she treasure every little moment with her loved one.

Since you and ur hubby are together for so long, u should trust him. Some men are just like that... They treat other woman very gentlemanly also. U should feel proud of your hubby. My hubby treats other woman very well also.. While we are dating .I am also well envy by those ladies .. There are friends who ask me if I am afraid that my hubby misleading other ladies with his nice gestures...

My answer is.. No. I never worried.. If he is not mine.. He don't have to do anything, he will still attract other ladies. So why should I worried so much. I must well spend my time on loving & understand him . Then he loves me even more!
In a successful & happy marriage, u have to trust !

Further more.. Your hubby is treating u sweet & nice .. U shouldn't be worrying. Maybe u r those who need ur hubby to torture u then u will feel better & secure. Haha .. Treasure what is given to u now. Once u lost it.. U will never find it again !

Oh ya !! Here just to add on .. If you are not someone he loves or not meant to be ... He will not met u & even married u. Out of so many ladies in this world in Singapore .. Both of u got to be together... Treasure this love. With his potential I am sure before meeting u.. He can get to know other ladies... But why u r the chosen one?? Sometimes love just can't explained .... U get it ???

 

[Ivy Miao]

U are my counsellor!! Will save this link and this shall be a reminder and wake me up, overcome the problem of trust. I love u, dilys mummy!! Oh! U know what? Husband and i had decided to name our daughter dyliss. Same prounciation as urs, but different spelling. U are positive. Lots to learn from u. Hugs!

 

[Dilys]

U are my counsellor!! Will save this link and this shall be a reminder and wake me up, overcome the problem of trust. I love u, dilys mummy!! Oh! U know what? Husband and i had decided to name our daughter dyliss. Same prounciation as urs, but different spelling. U are positive. Lots to learn from u. Hugs!

Hi dear ,

I am flattered.. Haha just to share with you abit about my name : Dilys
This name is stated in my birth certificate. This name was carefully chosen by my uncle. The meaning of this name is "prefect".
Of course No one in this world is 100% prefect but my uncle just hope that by giving this name to me.. It will turn all the imperfection to prefect in me. This name is really very me.. I am a prefectionist in life & yes I am very very positive !

I wish you all the best in your marriage! Have faith in your hubby!!

*dear to add on ... I just checked for u the name "dyliss" is a variant of Dilys . The meaning is prefect, true & reliable. This name is from the roman (welsh)

 

[Ivy Miao]

Thank u so much, dylis mummy. Yes... Naming her Dyliss is hopefully she doesn't behave like me when she grows up. I sincerely Thank you for sharing ur friend's story with me. I hope any mummies who feel so insecure with their husband, like me will learn to trust thrill own partner after reading this post.