haveing a bad life with MIL

fifilove

fifilove

Member
I should have follow ppl say that we cant stay with mother in law, is a very bad idea. No matter how good they are if they offer me to stay.

The last 2 days my mil nagging of me for nothing. What she think of me is wrong. First she nagged at me for follow my husband to office but that's what my husband want us to follow, she tot i follow him coz i dnt trust him n coz of the haze. Coz we going there bring my 3 months baby boy along. But i know the reason is coz that time she come back from overseas n dnt go office coz she want to see my son.

2nd is my daughter, my daughter is 7 years old. So some of the thing she want to do by her self. My mil say i like dnt love her, went she eat i dnt feed her, went she take a bath i dnt bath for her. But that she want to do by herself coz she grow up already. N my husband say let her do by herself. She can do it, coz that time i was pregnant my husband say she cant depan on me coz we going to have baby..

3rd is abt fb, she say i always on the fb. Say post something stupid. But i just post my son photo. She say is better to ready abt our religion. But ppl say is u not reaady dnt, we do it coz we want to not ppl force to do it. Is by our heart. She told me n my husband to close my fb account. Who is she ask me to do that. But why her daughter can post photos of new shoes going out with her husband.

4th is abt our room she say why i ask the maid to clean our room, that time i not in the house for 2 days coz me, my son n daughter were sleeping at my mum place. So b4 im going to my mum place i clean the room first. But my husband was sleeping there so his the one who ask the maid to clean it. But that was the first n the last he ask the maid to help to clean. For the first time i stay there n now i never ask her to clean my room. Coz i know i not paying her salary.. I everyday clean the room. She say to my husband that everytime we going out or sleeping at my mum place say she n the maid always clean the room.. Lier... She say i always never clean the room..

5th is abt my husband helping me making baby milk n taking care baby for just a short time , if im bz helping mide to cook, or at the toilet or clean the room. N i not the want who ask my husband to help me, he himself that want to help me. I never ask him to help me. He say to his mum i never ask him to do he want to help me.. Mil say u always want to be on her side..

6 th is abt went the baby taking a nap, i also take a nap or laying on the bed.. Coz my husbad aunty from his father side say that if baby taking the nap, if i nothing to do n tried go n take a nap n reast.. But my mil dnt like me to do that my husband also say if u tired take a nap too.. But my mil dnt like me to do that.. One time she n my husband had a tlk went she in a gd mood, they tlking abt my son n she has say my son haveing a nap i also take a nap n rest.

And she say to my husband you the one who choose her, she say so many time to him. Like she dnt asap me.. Thats why everyday i feel dnt comfortable n feel dnt want to stay there. I always feel she just acting to like me.

Went i heard she say to my husband say u the one who choose her. I feel so sad n useless wife n mother what she had done to me. My husband is defend me, then she still nagging at me my husband close the door. He was crying n coz of that the last 2days my husband didn't tlk to me. Went ever i want to tlk he like not happy n not reply me.. I feel im going to loose him, n feel like want to ran away, stay at my mum place. If he ask for divorce, i dnt care.. But i never did.. Im so useless person everything i do always not gd enough. Now we at my mum place me n my husband we tlk, laughing n happy here.. But there we never always fight..

I want to move at my mum place, i dnt want to stay there. Is like leaving hell.. N had a chance that me n my husband will divorce.. Whats wrong with her... I hate her..
 
cn naz

cn naz

Member
How about renting your own place or room? Staying with in laws will have problems after some time.
 
fifilove

fifilove

Member
Went b4 we move to my mil place, we had find a rent room.. But then my mil invite us to stay at her place, so she can teach me the things for my family. But we get cheated by her words. What she do to me now is make up story abt me, always want to nagging at me, by saying to my husband is show that she dnt like me n think she like want to make us divorce.. Say im lazy, if im lazy i will not do cleaning, helping the maid, cooking ( cooking also she not teaching me is im the one who ask my mum for recipe).. I hate her so much.. Now we are planning to move to my mum place, so we pack our things abit by bit.. Coz if we took all, she will not let us to move. So by doing that she will not know.. So will stay at my mum place 4 days her place only 2 days... I had enough of her lier sweet talk.. She say, she dnt like ppl face to face tlk different but at the back u tlk different, HELLO U ARE THE ONE NOT ME.. SO HATE HER DNT EVEN WANT TO SEE HER FACE N HER SIDE OF A FAMILY FACE!?!??!!! I HATE U, YOU MAKE MY LIFE SO MISERABLE.. I know my family not rich n I study till sec 3, im not the typ of person who want ur money. Im trying to make my family happy, n i not working yet. Im not even ask my husband anything, coz i know we had not enough money. Event not ask for a new bra or panties..
 
N

nicepeople

Member
If you continue to remain where you are, even though you know they're not in your best interest, what kind of a message are you sending to yourself? You're giving yourself the mistaken impression that you're not worthy of controlling your own actions. But you and your children are worthy of the best life has to offer. And it is up to you to act like it; what is right. You know what's right for you and what's not, so make the choice to do what's right. So choose to do it and free yourself from those useless burdens. If you are planning to move to your mother’ house, it would be good if you can move completely. Five days in your mother’s house and two days in your mother in-law will not benefit at all. You will still be in the shit situation. Choose to do it not because you must, not because you should, but because you know it is best. Not only will it move you forward, it will also confirm, without a doubt, your commitment to your own best possibilities. But the most important thing is that your husband needs to support and stand by your side. It may be difficult for him because blood is thicker than water. Perhaps he is also in the stage of confusion and was caught between you and mother. Who will he side? That is the difficult for him to answer that question. I suggest that both of you need to sit and talk about it. Share your concerns, experiences and feeling with him. Both of you MUST agree to the right decision. It would be better if third person can sit in, such as a counsellor. I know finically is tight but there are free counselling services available. Check out in the internet.
Right now you can take one step, one clear and unambiguous step, toward whatever it is that you most desire. Situations and circumstances may seem to work against you, yet nothing can stop you from taking at least one positive step forward.
 
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fifilove

fifilove

Member
Nicepeople yah i need to fully move to my mum place, need to tlk to my husband first. Somemore the worst is if we not around at home, they will go inside our room n open our bag look at our things.. So kpo n no privacy. What they want to find i also dnt know...
 
N

nicepeople

Member
We're all different; we all have our own agendas and opinions and natures.
Maybe in your situation you are not aware that you are being manipulated. As Asian, we sometime what to be helpful, nice and respectful toward parents (MIL). But, when we take a second to look at the real motive of trying to make everyone else feel OK, we actually feel lousy inside. Not so helpful or nice.

The truth is, no one else is in charge of how you feel. And that means, you are also not in charge of how anyone else feels. If you want to be free, empowered, at ease and peace, then it is necessary for you to take responsibility for your own feelings. And you must also let your MIL have her own feelings too eg, Mum, it is not right to touch other people things without permission. Of course, she will be angry and you have to allow her to be angry.

It is true that we cannot be completely unaffected by the moods and energies of the people that surround us. We are going to feel the emotional ebbs and flows of others. We are all interconnected—we feel each other

So while we can't escape feeling other people altogether (nor would we want to), we can begin to shift the amount that we let their experiences dictate ours. And we do this by taking responsibility for our own sense of well-being.

The Dalai Lama has said, "Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." And I'm with him.

Your inner peace is yours. Inside you. That's where it comes from. Not from her. Yours. And when you realize this, you will be on the path to freedom.
You have a sanctuary inside of you—a place of refuge; a place for you to restore and come back to your centre. In this place, all is well.

When you establish a close relationship with this part of you, you will slowly and surely start to disengage from relying on others to make you feel good or bad. Your sense of worth will come from within.

There is no easy answer to your experiences except to say that you’ll know it in your heart. Again, remember that you don’t have to take on all of the possibilities right away. There’s nothing wrong with starting on one small aspect and then gradually branching out… Work at your own pace and don’t try to rush the process. Eg if you plan to move-out discuss with your husband, list the pros and cons, advantages and the disadvantages and how to say it in the positive manner that will not stir your MIL emotions.
Remember focus on what is best for yourself, the children, your husband and your marriage. Also, you need to be assertive at times.
If you think I’ll be a help PM me.
 
S

skt

Member
fifilove said:
Nicepeople yah i need to fully move to my mum place, need to tlk to my husband first. Somemore the worst is if we not around at home, they will go inside our room n open our bag look at our things.. So kpo n no privacy. What they want to find i also dnt know...
Click to expand...

I guess the elders are just too free at home, that's why they have this habit. I don't like it when my things are touched. Even if it's my hubby or my own parents. I mean, those are my things, what is so urgent that they have to touch or take? Can't wait till I am home? Luckily my own parents and hubby understand this character of mine, so far, they haven't touched my things without asking me. But when comes to MIL, it's hard to open my mouth to tell her I don't like right? Especially we only started staying together less than a year and the house belongs to her. It's hard to forbid her to come into my room. MIL has the habit of entering all the rooms in the house to ensure all the power points and switches are switched off when not in use. Even when we already assure her we will switch off, she will still choose not to believe and goes into the rooms to check when she is alone at home. That's what happen to most elders when they are too free at home, everything they also want to see/touch/know/do.

So in the end, I moved very little things to MIL's place after I was married. Most of my stuff are still at my parents' place where I feel more at ease and am sure no one will touch. Can't wait for my own house to arrive next year.
 
S

selp

Member
Ya, I think some parents are very backwards and too free. For my case, my in laws also very free, not working. But my mom is quite modern and she takes courses and keeps herself occupied by going to Malaysia every mth to visit my Aunts. My dad still working.

Sigh... for my case...
My MIL likes to knock on my toilet door and chit chat with me outside the toilet when I am in the toilet pee-ing or poo-ing.
Everytime I tell her to wait but she will shout and say,"Har?! I can't hear you. What you say? What you say?"
And no one does housework. I'm preggy so it's difficult to carry heavy laundry.
My FIL doesn't clear his plate after dinner and he litters his snacks all over the floor. He shouts at people who tells him nicely, to clear the food trash, even his own son.

Luckily I go back my mom's home stay once a week, citing reasons that she's alone now my sis is overseas.
Otherwise, I'll go mad.

Perhaps, you can go stay at your mom's house and then maybe go in law's house only for gathering or dinner. Women nowadays more freedom, should make use of it.
 
F

Fisherman's Friend

Member
It's another case of the mil VS dil. I believe a lot of us, as dil who stay with in laws will somehow have issues with them. Only a very small portion is able to live in peace together and those are really the lucky ones. Me too is at war at home. Yes it is true that we should control the situation etc, but what if the hubby is the one trapped in between? For me, it's lidat. I cannot say move out then move out, coz my hb will be in a very difficult position. Sigh, what to do?? It's always easier to say than to do...
 
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