having kids is a real test to my marriage - is it to yours too?

[decoco]

I realised after my 2nd child was born, me and my hubby quarrelled a lot more. Probably due to more than this reason. I don't know. But I find myself and him being less patient with each other and quarrel very often. It's really quite sad to see my marriage turning like this. I always complain about him placing priority over his work than us. Like whenever I ask him when his meeting ends, what time is he going to work (as his work is flexible working hours) he will snap at me. And ask me very rudely - what do you want me to do? I was just being concern, and would like to know what time my husband goes to work and what time he comes back. Does not necessary mean I need him to do something for me. Why the need to snap at me? I know during confinement I did ask him to run errands for me. But that is because I can't go out and he has the car. What else he expect me to do? I take care of 2 kids and still go out to run errands and buy groceries? I feel very unjust sometimes. Why do men place priority on their work over their family. Am I not important at all? probably is all these feelings building up, that resulted in us quarrelling very often. I also find him less loving towards me. All's on his mind is probably work. I don't see him buying me small gifts etc. My friend's husband all buy them stuff - like really loving and sweet. My husband don't do that anymore. I am really disappointed and sad to see my marriage gone down like this. I know I need to be strong for my kids. And I will be. I am just sad to see my own marriage to fail like my parents. I guess it's really true when you have kids, it's then a real test to how strong your marriage foundation is.

 

[heartsmich]

I can totally feel you. It's really sad to feel as though everything is breaking apart, but to men, they don't feel that. After marriage and kids, women puts family in the first place and can be very affected by it. Are you a sahm? Try putting ur focus on other things so you wouldn't think so much. Try talk it out?

 

[simon73]

I realised after my 2nd child was born, me and my hubby quarrelled a lot more. Probably due to more than this reason. I dont't know. But I find myself and him being less patient with each other and quarrel very often. It's really quite sad to see my marriage turning like this. I always complain about him placing priority over his work than us. Like whenever I ask him when his meeting ends, what time is he going to work (as his work is flexible working hours) he will snap at me. And ask me very rudely - what do you want me to do? I was just being concern, and would like to know what time my husband goes to work and what time he comes back. Does not necessary mean I need him to do something for me. Why the need to snap at me? I know during confinement I did ask him to run errands for me. But that is because I can't go out and he has the car. What else he expect me to do? I take care of 2 kids and still go out to run errands and buy groceries? I feel very unjust sometimes. Why do men place priority on their work over their family. Am I not important at all? probably is all these feelings building up, that resulted in us quarrelling very often. I also find him less loving towards me. All's on his mind is probably work. I dont't see him buying me small gifts etc. My friend's husband all buy them stuff - like really loving and sweet. My husband dont't do that anymore. I am really disappointed and sad to see my marriage gone down like this. I know I need to be strong for my kids. And I will be. I am just sad to see my own marriage to fail like my parents. I guess it's really true when you have kids, it's then a real test to how strong your marriage foundation is.

take it easy mother. It is very common for couple to quarrel over children and after giving birth.
For guys,we do have our own worries too...especially after a long day at work, would like to have some peace at home. Sometime woman doesn't really understand us.

 

[Kaykay2009]

Hi,

I feel that although it's tiring as a mother, must still make an effort to be a wife. I already find it tiring with one kid so i can't imagine having two. For me, i do work but once i get off work, i go straight into motherhood since i don't have a helper so it just as tiring.

But we do make an effort for couple time although it's very hard. We sometimes catch a movie or just go out and have a meal together or even stay up late over the weekend just chatting or enjoying a glass of wine...simple stuff but i think it's healthy.My mom helps out for the few hours usually.

Could it be that your hubby feels' left out' since the kids take up most of your time? And when you ask him when he is leaving for work or when he will be home he feels controlled? If he doesn't get you gifts you can start by giving him and he will likely follow.Doesn't have to be anything big or expensive.

I think it takes a conscious effort to keep the marriage going.

 

[crystalpink]

Oh I think u are not alone here. We don't hv kids but I already feel that our marriage has fallen apart. Reason being my hubby needs to travel frequently for work and we really don't hv much couple time. It is also difficult for me to hv a face to face talk or discussion. He places his career as first priority, endless meetings, seminars etc.. never ending.. one after another.. sigh..

I am really tired of this type of marriage life. Now to take off to go for holidays also got problem! Yes! Im also complaining that he places his work over than me.. sometimes i do prefer to be a single life. I feel that some men don't kw how to maintain a relationship, usually they would feel that by providing food n lodging to wife n family n thats all, but they can never understand that they need to put in some effort to maintain a gd relationship. For me, I feel my hubby is like that. To marry an ambitious man is not easy, not only I hv to be very independant but i also need to be his "secretary" at home on top of my work! Really stressful!!

 

[SarahGurbuxani-Carpio]

hey sisters! sometimes, the going gets really rough. However, we can minimise the blow by trying not to compare our husbands from our friends' and by communicating properly. We all have our own shares of sacrifices for our family. And that's what it is. We have chosen to be on this path (hopefully) knowing that family life is rather, much harder than singleness. But of course, this should not stop you from being the wife that you are, instead, this should encourage you to accept that there are certain roles that only a wife and a husband can do. It is hard, that is the gospel truth. So if you're in it to have fun...you must be mistaken. However, be mindful if your husband is already abusing you physically, emotionally and mentally...that doesn't entail any sacrifices. AT ALL. Cheers to us!


-Sarah

 

[decoco]

Thanks guys. For the kinds words and empathy. I am not a stay at home mom - still in my maternity leave. I also have a full time job, and sometimes stressful too. But perhaps I was lucky enough to have a decent pay job, and good hours and manageable stress level. So I always and will place priority on my family over work. This is perhaps why I find it harder to understand why my husband can't do that. We don't have a helper and also do not intend to hire. So since i'm on leave now, most of the housework are done by me. He helps a lot, but his work is really demanding. That when there's spare time, he may be sleeping as he works till wee hours everyday. With him sleeping when he's not working, when would we have time to talk and chat? Not to mention go out for couple time. I need to initiate it, which I find it sad. Sounds like only I'm the one feeling the need for couple time, he don't. It takes two to mend this relationship, he doesn't seem to be doing much or even think it's a problem. That's worse. I am not sure how I want to mend it if he's not concern at all. To a point that I think I will just accept the way my marriage is now. All about kids and work. That's all. Perhaps half the marriage out there are like that?

 

[Ivy Miao]

Hi mummy, I went thru what u r going thru. After 2nd kid is born with no helper, I quarrel alot with husband. Until the point of we went and see my gynae. That's when I was diagnosed with slight depression. Just 2months after my delivery. Gynae talked to my husband alone. Prolly gynae said something scary to him. Since then, everything I throw temper, he will let me do what I want. Scold him, throw stuff. Lolx... slowly I got better. Still temperamental sometimes But not so bad. U cannot think that u sacrifice more than ur husband. Having this thought will onli let u feel, kids are us de. Why am I the one suffering. Why so unfair. Why this Why that. U must think That's women's job. To look after kids. Change ur mentality

 

[Super-mum]

i guess u need sometimes to adjust the time so that u have more time to communicate with him as there might be a lot of miunderstanding

 

[chrisatel]

Thanks guys. For the kinds words and empathy. I am not a stay at home mom - still in my maternity leave. I also have a full time job, and sometimes stressful too. But perhaps I was lucky enough to have a decent pay job, and good hours and manageable stress level. So I always and will place priority on my family over work. This is perhaps why I find it harder to understand why my husband can't do that. We dont't have a helper and also do not intend to hire. So since i'm on leave now, most of the housework are done by me. He helps a lot, but his work is really demanding. That when there's spare time, he may be sleeping as he works till wee hours everyday. With him sleeping when he's not working, when would we have time to talk and chat? Not to mention go out for couple time. I need to initiate it, which I find it sad. Sounds like only I'm the one feeling the need for couple time, he dont't. It takes two to mend this relationship, he doesn't seem to be doing much or even think it's a problem. That's worse. I am not sure how I want to mend it if he's not concern at all. To a point that I think I will just accept the way my marriage is now. All about kids and work. That's all. Perhaps half the marriage out there are like that?

Hi mummy I'm also on maternity leave... Can fully understand how you feel. During pregnancy treated like a queen, after give birth become maid. I also initiated couple time but instead he asked me then baby who look after. I find it hard to explain to him even having baby we also need couple time as husband and wife... Sometimes I regret having baby but I feel so guilty having this thought. And it seems like we got nothing to talk about anymore.....

 

[andieluv2]

Yea. Me too. My baby is 6 months old. Both of us are working parents and we got a maid. My mil also helps to take care our baby whn we are working as we do not wanna put the baby alone with the maid only.

Seriously, I also felt that couple time is decreased after we got our baby. But I try to think in a way that its an expected outcome pf having a baby. U cant expect after popping a baby out and life will remain status quo. Thats impossible. And thats the sacrifice we have to take as a couple.

My hubz also put hos work first everytime I see him he will be on his phone, emailing his client. Then to a point of time I got pissed and scolded him. Guess wat he said? Now that we have our baby, everything is money. Diapers, milk powder, babby stuff, clothes, insurance, electricity bills, maids salary etc etc. Everything is abt money and is I dont work hard to earn more money, how can I give u and baby a good life??!! Thats whn I realised that its not bcoz he wanna put his work as a priority. But perhaps, he was forced to bcoz as man, he has the responsibility as a main breadwinner to bring in money and give his family a good life. Thats the sacrifice he make. Same for woman. We were all tored after wrk and reach hm we still have to take caee of baby. Thats bcoz we are woman. And by right our sole responsibility is to take care of our family. However due to the increasing standard of living. Its difficult depend solely on one partner's income unless ur husvand earn lotsa money or u have to be thrifty on every day life. We woman were force to take up a career and at the same time we have to also manage our role as a mother. Thats inevitable.

I hope we could look at things from a different perspective. But I know it can be doffocult at time. Even sometimes now I wil still make noise at my husband. But slowly learn to be more understanding and supportive towards their career. And I believe if they see ur effort, they will reciprocate.

 

[chrisatel]

Yea. Me too. My baby is 6 months old. Both of us are working parents and we got a maid. My mil also helps to take care our baby whn we are working as we do not wanna put the baby alone with the maid only.

Seriously, I also felt that couple time is decreased after we got our baby. But I try to think in a way that its an expected outcome pf having a baby. U cant expect after popping a baby out and life will remain status quo. Thats impossible. And thats the sacrifice we have to take as a couple.

My hubz also put hos work first everytime I see him he will be on his phone, emailing his client. Then to a point of time I got pissed and scolded him. Guess wat he said? Now that we have our baby, everything is money. Diapers, milk powder, babby stuff, clothes, insurance, electricity bills, maids salary etc etc. Everything is abt money and is I dont work hard to earn more money, how can I give u and baby a good life??!! Thats whn I realised that its not bcoz he wanna put his work as a priority. But perhaps, he was forced to bcoz as man, he has the responsibility as a main breadwinner to bring in money and give his family a good life. Thats the sacrifice he make. Same for woman. We were all tored after wrk and reach hm we still have to take caee of baby. Thats bcoz we are woman. And by right our sole responsibility is to take care of our family. However due to the increasing standard of living. Its difficult depend solely on one partner's income unless ur husvand earn lotsa money or u have to be thrifty on every day life. We woman were force to take up a career and at the same time we have to also manage our role as a mother. Thats inevitable.

I hope we could look at things from a different perspective. But I know it can be doffocult at time. Even sometimes now I wil still make noise at my husband. But slowly learn to be more understanding and supportive towards their career. And I believe if they see ur effort, they will reciprocate.

Andieluv2, I wish I can think the same way as you. My hubby has a job yes not that he is idling at home but once he comes home it's baby or his games... I become number 3 or 4 or 5.. I don't wish to think but can't help. Maybe I need to get a life by going back to work after maternity leave.

I recently mention I will miss baby when I go back work in January but he keep quiet so I ask him y he never say anything then he say what I want him to say. I mean as my hubby you cannot make a bit of effort to comfort me meh , after all I got attachment to baby after this few months already...

 

[Alisa]

men is men, they will not feel how we women felt. that is how they are made. he will not know yr feeling cuz he is always working while u are on maternity leave, he is not the 1 that look after baby whole day. somemore our hormones are still going back to normal so we will feel very emo when we are going back to work. try to relax, enjoy yr time now with yr baby cuz when u are back to work, u will be so busy with working life and rushing back to see yr baby.

 

[simon73]

yes, my relationship with spouse has become worse after the child was born. sometimes i really wonder and regretted getting married
only guys will understand

 

[chrisatel]

I tot having baby will strengthen our relationship I guess I'm wrong in thinking that way. I dunno why the change in my hubby? I'm so worried when I go back work my mil will bring my baby back to jb look after...

 

[VanessT]

Once the baby comes into the picture, we will have to give and take more. Still communication is the key...

 

[ronroo]

Same for me. What make my situation worse is that we are living with my patents in law. Ever since I got pregnant I became very sensitive and unhappy with all everything...therefore my relationship with in laws is not good. Situation worsen after I gave birth... My husband and I quarrel over his parents...

I learn one thing.... When u feel like exploding, take a deep breath... Your anger will drop half... And your mind just think raising voice or reprimanding each other will not solve problem. When u talk it out with ur hubby, he will tend to accept it better. It works for me and my hubby.

Good luck, ladies and mother!

 

[whitegale]

Having kids is the next big step in our life after marriage Hubby and I already sat down, discuss and planned before hand. I agree that talking it out is the key.

 

[quincy1986]

yes say things out.
you can start by saying, "sorry. maybe the things I am going to say is going to affect you."
if there's problem with talking, then try writing.
let us know how everything goes ok?
*hugs~

 

[summertime]

Sometime I really feel like a maid. Understand hubby working outside is tiring . But he still go out meet up with his friends once a week, his hobby once a week. While doing these things, im the 1 who taking care of the child. I'm working as well . I really feel like maid n look like maid. I starting to hate it hate my hubby hate my marriage. Other than working , is always at home with my child. Even wanted to do my hair I don't even have the time. My hubby will say let my mother Tk care n u can go out. But my mother is the 1 Tk care my child when we work . She need a break as well. Everyday I see him stuck to dat stupid iPhone play game looking at forum. I feel like that taking the phone n smash it. I'm sick of this type of life!!!