I am getting depression over my 14 mth old... Pls advise

[pinkDior]

Hi to all

I am a full-time working mummy with a 14 month old boy. Due to my hectic work schedules and long distance between my office and home, my boy is placed at my mother-in-law's house together with my maid during weekdays (i fetch them on Fri night and bring them back on Mon morn).

The bad thing is that I noticed that my boy is increasingly attached to my mother in law who dotes on him alot. Everyday after work when i went over, he will ask my mother in law to carry and not me. My mother in law will go very "yaya" as she will have remarks to him like "Why always find grandma carry?", "You like grandma so much huh", "You only want grandma huh". I feel very, very sad after hearing and seeing these.

Right now, I can't possibly bring him home everyday as I have diffculty bringing him back from my mother in law house to my house as it is almost 2 hours journey and my boy is very, very cranky. That is why I am a weekend mummy. I do interact with him often but ultimately, he still chooses his grandma than me. (i wonder if he knows i am his mummy)

Another thing is that when i bring him out and let him walk on his own, he tends to roam around and is very dangerous. I want to hold his hands while walking but he will definitely pull away his hands and throw tantrum by sitting down. Is it normal for 14 month old kids to dislike adults holding their hands? How to train him?

Pls advise on my 2 issues above. I am feeling very depressed over my mother in law who always like to fight with me over my son. I know it is good to have 1 more person to dote on my son but she is getting too much and over the line.

Pls help!!!!

 

[ling.er]

Hi, im a full time mother as well. My son is 15month + now.. I also letting my MIL look after.. But the problem is i stay with them.. After work go back my son wun find In law but he only wan mi.. i only had 2hour+ with him when i go back home.. I understand ur feeling.. Cos @ first my son also cling to MIL more than mi.. Even tat time im the one who look after him. But nw after work i need to carry him befor i bath if nt he will piss off. If u need someone to talk to can email mi @ baobe1984@hotmail.com .


When i brin son out he also dun like mi hold on to his hand. He will swing away.. But i will hold even tight & also tell him is dangerous to walk without holding mummy hand. If u dun wan hold mummy hand im goin to place u in pram or carry u alrd.. After sometime he allow mi to hold..

My son also sit on floor when he is angry over sometime. he only do it @ home..

 

[pinkDior]

My MIL started looking after my boy about 6 months back. (i started work for 6 mths only) Just a short 6 mth, he can grow so attached to my MIL, cant imagine what is going to happen for the next 1 - 2 years.

I always complain to my husband about it but all he can say is only "you think too much". I am just so, so afraid that my boy will not be close to me.

 

[mamapenguin]

Get the leash for infants. It comes in the form of a backpack with a line attached. You can get it at Mothercare and Motherworks. I had to put my daughter when she was a toddler on a leash coz she often ran off and I couldn't keep up with her coz I was pregnant at the time. She, like your son, didn't like to hold my hand. Hope this helps.

 

[hpc]

Don't depress,baby taken care by the same person since birth will be more sticky to her.For ur case u didn't bring bb back every night ,only with her on wkends,now u want her to change ur way,it take quite sometimes .If u don't want bb to close to MIL ,my suggestion is to put bb in infantcare near work place,bb will not be too close to ur MIL.

 

[pinkDior]

Don't depress,baby taken care by the same person since birth will be more sticky to her.For ur case u didn't bring bb back every night ,only with her on wkends,now u want her to change ur way,it take quite sometimes .If u don't want bb to close to MIL ,my suggestion is to put bb in infantcare near work place,bb will not be too close to ur MIL.

hpc

This is what i am thinking of too. However, not infantcare as the cost is steep and we are not well-off. I am thinking of enrolling him into childcare centre at 18mths old which will be near my own house, not my office (my office and MIL house is just 5mins walk away). But that will be another 4 mths away which is so long!

Also, i heard frm my colleagues that when they leave their infants with their MIL, their infants will cry and don't want to leave their mummies. But my son is not like this! When i leave him there with my MIL, he take it as nothing happen.

Another thing i notice about my son is that he likes to go gaigai alot. Whenever he sees someone leaving the house, he will definitely cry and want to follow along (regardless of the person)

 

[hpc]

Thats the main point,ur MIL bring him out very often.now u bring ur son back every night,tell him go gai gai lah.Is there any PCF infant-care/childcare near ur MIL place?After subsidy infantcare charges is S$577

 

[ling.er]

Hi, there good n bad if ur MIL is helping u look after ur son.. Yes nw mayb ur son dun really cling to u.. Take time my dear.. I also went tru this b4.. Y nt consider staying wit ur MIL??

Is a good choice of enrolling him but u need to think lo.. Own ppl lookin after son better than other right?? Finding a good n nice Child care is not so easy.. I myself also plannin to look for 1 when he was 24month..

How about playgroup?? 1 day 2 hour ?? he can knw more friend there N slowly learn ting as well.

( Jus my own viewing & comment )

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

Hi pinkdior,

Don't worry too much abt it, children tend to be close to the person whom they see more often. You can start have a special time with your son, that means time alone just you and your son.

Like, at night after you bring ur son home, you can talk to him ask him like what did he do at grandma's house? did he enjoy the day? you can roughly fish out what they did tog and think up of some other fun things to do with ur son that only you and your son look forward too, like before bedtime it is storytime or playtime tog, and sat or sun can bring him go east coast for picnics or fly kites with u & hubby, or go swimming .....something diff tht ur MIL nv do with him....and always tell him that time with u is special time

As for holding hands, for me I hv taught my son since young tht whenever we are near the roadside or in the carparks, always hold hand

And oh, my way of disciplining my son is time out corner...when children starts to throw tantrums means, they are starting to push ur buttons, to see if you will give in to them. For me, when my son throw tantrums outside I will give him 2 choices, one is to listen to what I say or go home......and when I say tht I hv to do it, if he continues to throw tantrums, I will just ask hubby to carry him and we go off frm the place.

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

Oh forgot to add, I also emphasize to my MIL & mum tht no one is to interfere when I discipling my child, so far they nv did...:001_302:

 

[pinkDior]

ling.er

I can't stay with my MIL as i got some conflict with her over my son. I cannot even stand the sight of her and to be truthful, I dread to have her looking after my son. It got so bad till i don't even want to have dinner with my hubby's family on weekends unless no choice such as birthday dinners, functions, etc.

Phoebii Cheng

My boy still can't talk and I don't think he understand what we are talking also. If storytime, he will bite the storybook instead of listening to the story.

My colleague told me that their kids used to get close to their MIL who takes care of them. But when they grew up and know who is the mummy, they will be attached to the mummy. Is it true? When will this transition period tend to be?

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

ling.er

I can't stay with my MIL as i got some conflict with her over my son. I cannot even stand the sight of her and to be truthful, I dread to have her looking after my son. It got so bad till i don't even want to have dinner with my hubby's family on weekends unless no choice such as birthday dinners, functions, etc.

Phoebii Cheng

My boy still can't talk and I don't think he understand what we are talking also. If storytime, he will bite the storybook instead of listening to the story.

My colleague told me that their kids used to get close to their MIL who takes care of them. But when they grew up and know who is the mummy, they will be attached to the mummy. Is it true? When will this transition period tend to be?

Hi pinkdior

They do understand what we are talking abt.....children I mean, if your son bites the storybook then tell him no biting if not no story, you need to give ur son boundaries cos' I think ur MIL lets him do what he wants. When you don't like what your son is doing, talk to him in a low firm voice and look him in the eye, he will know tht you mean what u say.

Yes, they know you are the mummy, as they grow they will grow more attached to you. Your son knows who love them the most, every night my hubby will instill this into my son

In the meantime don't be upset or feel depressed, the bond between you & your son no one can ever replace that. Always believe that......

 

[mummynbb]

If i were in your shoes i'll send my child to infantcare for 4mths then trf him to playgroup. Partly to get him started on being in 'school' also partly you can bring him back home after work.
No doubt your mil is probably looking after your boy very well, however he gets to socialise and play with friends in infantcare and learn at the same time. Since you're working the subsidized fee should be affordable and nothing beats being close to boy every night.
The most difficult part i think would be convincing your hubby of the change.

 

[happymummyo7]

Babies do understand what u r talking.
I talk to my boy since he was a newborn. I look like an idiot cos it seems like he cant understand. But then again, as he grew, i realise he does understand. He started his first word at 6mths old n m able to speak in short sentences near 18mths. Now at 27mths, he is already talking like a lil adult.
Dont ever ever think that babies cant understand. They do. That is, if u expose them to words n sentences as much as u can. U dont even need flashcards or lessons. Just keep on talking. Self-ask self-ans. My talk non stop with my boy plus the infant care's daily flashcard n story time sessions helps alot.

As for the baby not close to u part.. U need quality time, not quantity time.
My son was sent to infantcare 7am-7pm mon-fri since two mths old. 8am-2pm sat. He is still superglue to me.
The only period he hated me was when he was a newborn. I totally donno how to carry him n handle him. He wld stop crying when my papa or mama carries him but wld cry even harder when i carry him. I hated him too cos all he does is cry n cry n im duper sleep deprieved. After reading up on babies, i learnt n understand him. Slowly learn how to interact n handle him. How to look after him. Do everything myself. We slowly got use to each other n learnt to love each other.
Though i only have that less than one hr in the morning, 3hrs plus in the evenings, weekends n public holidays with him, but im confident he still loves me the most. He loves his grandparents cos they spoils him n he can manipulate them. But he knows his limits esp when im ard.
My mum the other day just asked me, y i always scold n 'beat' him he still loves me so much.
Last weekend, my mum pretend to hit me n i pretend to cry n he ran over says mummy dont cry, ahma cannot hit mummy. Later i pretend to hit my mama n she pretend to cry he ran over again n hit my mama for me! My mother has never ever scolded him before lo..

Pinkdior, i wld advise u to start bonding with yr child. It takes time. Not just being there. But doing things together. You loving yr child is not enough, he has to feel it.
Mayb u can visit babycenter website to learn more on yr child as of his age so that u can understand him better, know whats going on in his mind, which will definitely helps alot more.

Jiayou!

 

[engel]

I've a 16 mth old girl and yes, she doesn't like holding hands as well; would sit down. Didn't use the toddler leash as looks kinda degrading and i do want to instill independence in her. Let her run/ roam on her own... Disciplined her by letting her run in an open field, squat down to her eye level and point where u want her to go or follow u...she follows abt 70 percent of the time now... Unless a passing cat catches her attention..

Can't stop kids from being close to grandparents cause ultimately grandparents spoil them
But don't worry, they are alot smarter than they look... Grandparents are to b bullied.. She makes my dad and mom carry her when they bring her out... But prefers to walk when out with me; aka saves my back from hurting..lol...he still loves you as his mummy, you just have to look for the smaller signs of his love for now... He'll express it better when he is older..

Dont worry.... Young childrens' love are unconditional to their parents...

 

[Just]

honestly I think you should what is best for your child.. Please do not deprived him of grandma's love. And of course the best love of all is still the mother's love. Grandma has been doing a great job in building him up, that's why he loves her so much. My son used to be taken care by my father in law. He would say things like that too, including,' You want her meh? You don't want one lah...' But he slept with me at night and hanged out with me during weekends, so he still wanted me. Now I'm a sahm. He loves me the most in the world, followed by his daddy, then his grandpa.
As the child goes through different stages of life, his needs are different. Now his needs are met by his grandma. But as he grows older, grandma may not be able to meet his needs anymore. That's when you can step in to meet his needs and build a solid relationship with him. You have to sacrifice. Remember we always stick and love those who meet our needs? Many youths went astrayed nowadays because their needs are not met at home, hence they tried to make friends with those whom they think they can meet their needs.
Encourage the child more, see what he needs and support anything which is not bad. He'll feel very loved.

 

[mamapenguin]

I've a 16 month old girl and yes, she doesn't like holding hands as well; would sit down. Didn't use the toddler leash as looks kinda degrading and i do want to instill independence in her. Let her run/ roam on her own... Disciplined her by letting her run in an open field, squat down to her eye level and point where you want her to go or follow you...she follows about 70 percent of the time now... Unless a passing cat catches her attention..

I didn't realise a bag pack with a leash is degrading. It must be exactly the same as putting a collar around the child's neck huh. I guess you can take your child to an open field and train her to walk on command. That is perfectly the norm. Unless a cat goes by of course.

A little bit of degradation is fine with me, as oppose to losing my little Speedy Gonzales when she takes off in a crowded mall or when walking on a path near the busy streets. She doesn't want to sit on the pram or hold my hands after all. Can't constraint our outings to just open fields. Not surprisingly she grew up to be independent even though I had her on the leash as a toddler.
To each his own I guess.

 

[pinkDior]

Guess that I will most probably take him home after work everyday to foster our relationship.

However, for working mummies, how do u manage your child when you wake up and need to wash up, bath, makeup, change clothes, make breakfast, etc when your child is very cranky and wants to be carried? Hubby also has his own washing up to do so i don't think i can ask him to carry our boy.

Also, if i were to take him home everyday after work, most probably will reach home at 9pm. Reach home, boy will slp soon till next morning before i send him to MIL house. Meaning that there will not be much interaction in the sense also right? Will this still help to build up my boy's attachment to me as mummy?

 

[pinkDior]

Also, i would like to check with mummies that when you bring your child (who don't like adults to hold their hands) out to shopping malls ,etc will you carry your child all the way or will let him/her walk about in the shopping mall? Did not mention pram here as hubby and i seldom bring pram out.

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

Guess that I will most probably take him home after work everyday to foster our relationship.

However, for working mummies, how do u manage your child when you wake up and need to wash up, bath, makeup, change clothes, make breakfast, etc when your child is very cranky and wants to be carried? Hubby also has his own washing up to do so i don't think i can ask him to carry our boy.

Also, if i were to take him home everyday after work, most probably will reach home at 9pm. Reach home, boy will slp soon till next morning before i send him to MIL house. Meaning that there will not be much interaction in the sense also right? Will this still help to build up my boy's attachment to me as mummy?

Take turn to do your stuff or distract him with those educational dvd if really need to leave the house on time...or if he is still sleeping better still, you can wake up a bit earlier than him

Tell him bf he sleeps each night that you & your hubby love him the most, kiss him, hug him.