i'm confused :(

[pipi]

hi, i'm still wondering how to really work this thing. so i can share with people out there and really get your opinions. as stated in my profile, i'm a single YOUNG mother of a 2year old daughter, Miaa. and i'm currently pregnant with my second child. no, i'm not wit Miaa's father anymore, he has issues, so i left him, which was 2years ago, when i was still pregnant with Miaa. after that, i just stop hearing from him, anyways. i'm currently with a guy now which i'm pregnant with his baby.

the problem is, what should i do ? we're both 17 this year. he's stressing me that he still wants to continue school and not go for his National Service. I OBVIOUSLY WANT TO KEEP THE BABY. he keeps on telling me that i have to think about what i really want to achieve in life. but my answer will always be, 'i'm happy taking care of Miaa and i know my family and Miaa will be happy too if they know there's a baby coming their way' i would be more than happy to have another bundle of joy, i love kids. but do you think it's fair for him if i do keep the baby ? he wants to baby to have a good life in the future. he has been a really good daddy towards Miaa. but, i just cannot bare to abort this baby if he really wants to continue school and cannot effort to raise a baby now. i'm confused :'(

please tell me what i should do. i would really love to hear it from young mums/single mums. thank you <3

 

[masayuki]

Hi Pipi,

I feel that adoption would be a good alternative in this case.... unless you are committed to put a change to your life from here on and concentrate on your kids.... Means, no more childish actions, no more daydreaming, no more looking for another boyfriend etc... until your kids are older....

As to your current bf, i've read your blog; what a jackass! If he can't even sacrifice for his own child, you think he can be a good father to Miaa?

I'll just be straight, he's just a child who wants sex without responsibility, can he not work part time? What lame excuses he comes up with!

Time to think about your future and Miaa!

 

[Ting]

very straight forward here.
if u can afford to keep n raise the child, good, do it.
if u cannot, then give up for adoption since u cannot bear to abort.

both of u are ONLY 17, seriously, u r very young. both cant even take care of yourselves now, how to raise 2 kids? correct me if im wrong, both of u r still living n taking pocket money from your parents. to be honest, if u r still relying on your parents to support u and your child, what makes u think u can raise the 2nd one? remember this, your child shld be your responsibility and not your parents. they can help u n guide u, but not to the point of raising the 3 of u. is it fair then? to your parents? is this call being responsible? u made a mistake once, u shld hv known better and taken precaution.

 

[pipi]

what if i was the one telling you back what you just commented ? how would you feel if you had to give your child up for adoption after the 9months of pregnancy. don't tell me you'll be willing to do to, your child is you own blood. telling people to do is easy, try being in my shoes.

 

[masayuki]

Hi Piping, it's very good that you feel angry at the comments....

Do you think that you can give up all the enjoyments in life to tend to 2 children?
If you make this choice, then you must remember not to regret!

Just a few questions.... who is paying for Miaa's expenses now?
And who takes care of Miaa at night ? When you go out? Ready to give that all up?

 

[apollo]

Since you posted your problem here, I think you shd be ready to expect different kinds of comments. So far, I seem most ppl here giving their own opinion judging by the post posted by TS.

Anw, seems like you alrdy have an ans, it is very obvious that you want to keep the baby no matter what. I agree with both Masayuki and Ting. If financially allows and if you are able to tc 2 kids, go ahead. So you will be the one taking care Miaa and the coming baby? If you're the main caregiver, then who is going to bear the financial part? your parents? Have you discuss with them? If they are willing to help, how long are they able to help you? If you are wking, who is going to tc of the 2 kids, and the expenses (like nanny or CC/infant care)??

If all the above problems I listed is not a problem to you, den just go ahead. If not, then think practically.

Just my 2 cents worth =)

 

[Edwinie]

i believe any problems will eventually be able to solve. you just have to figure out your solution.

if i were u, i would not want to abort nor send my child for adoption. just wondering, is the father responsible? is he willing to marry you? do u think both of u can live with each other for the rest of your life? if the answer is yes for both of you, please go and register your marriage. Can get baby bonus. if you are unsure, DO NOT REGISTER. divorce is a messy thing. (my parents got divorced so i know.)

it's good that he wants to complete his studies. let him complete. qualification is a must in singapore. a part time job i can suggest for him is TUITION. pays well and flexible. many of my friends in uni does it as part time job. if he is unwilling, it tells you how much he is willing to sacrifice for you and your children.

if your parents can care for your child while you work, it's ok. right now, if you don't have a job, apply for some admin job so you can earn some money before you need to go to labour.

may i know what education qualifications u have? because to me, i think education gives you better job prospects esp in singapore. think of it as a long term investment so u can get a better job and pay to support the family. if possible, get a minimum of diploma from private institutions like Kaplan.

i got pregnant before marriage too. both my husband and i are students. everybody encourage us to finish school. my mother-in-law and grandma-in-law tell me not to worry about my child and just focus on studies. (i'm currently an undergraduate.) my husband stopped school because there's a problem with his private education institution, so waiting for refund now. meanwhile, he took up property. he spent so much time and didn't even close a deal. worse, after the new policies for property agent, he don't even have the license to work as he failed the exam and the new exam registration haven't even open. so he gave up property, after spending slightly below $1000 for course, namecard, photoshoot, etc etc. right now, he is venturing into insurance under the guidance from my father (should have done so earlier... !@#$%^).

with the support of both of our family, we registered our marriage. and yes, baby bonus helps a lot.

Right now, what you can do is inform both of your families, get their support. Meanwhile, plan for your future in terms of jobs, education, money, family arrangements, etc.

Both of us have no money to provide for our baby. We use our families' wellwishes (ang bao, baby stuff) to get through. But I make it a point to give them a big ang bao once I graduate and start work and give them substantial $$. give back what you have been given.

Singaporeans are simply too practical. $$$ always become a problem when raising kids. don't understand how my grandma and grandpa could raise 13 children in kampung last time. maybe right now we want the best for our children, raising quality kids. best milk powder, best child care, best toys, best cot, nice nursery. are we overdoing things? we had less for the previous generation but does it mean we are lousier? what's most important is the upbringing which money can't buy. So do not be discouraged when people emphasize too much about being financially stable. yes, it is a must. but have enough for the minimum. don't go for the extravagance stuff. (e.g. $5000 pram vs $150 pram).

i choose the lower end stuff for my child because i do not want to spend those goodwill money from my relatives to recklessly. am i doing my child a disservice? i don't think so. what matters is the lessons that i'm going to teach him, the upbringing, the appreciation of simple stuff etc and not going for the brand.

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

It's actually good that u will never consider abortion as an option. So since u already have the answer, the most impt thing to do now is to solve the immediate finance issues. Like, going for gynae checkups, paying for the hospital bills etc. I had just gave birth to my 2nd child last month and seriously our financial burden has increase tremendously... My elder daughter is only 20mths so we are like paying everything double.. Diapers, milk bottles, medical checkups etc.

Just hope u'll have someone to share ur burden with and as long as u have the support then go ahead and enjoy the pregnancy! The last thing u'll want is to get depression during pregnancy!!

 

[pipi]

thanks you guys for your opinion and comments. sorry i got upset when Ting said about adoption. there was a reason why i didn't abort nor gave Miaa up for adoption when i had her. it's just, unbearable i think what you guys are saying are true. i think this all leads to one thing, finance. then i think should really talk to my parents soon ^^ :wong19:

 

[apollo]

I think she is just giving you an option IF no one can help u financially. Cos honestly speaking, like what Edwinie said, SG is a very practical place. yes Singaporean is practical but we HAVE to cos we're living in a practical country where everything cost. Good luck to you! =)

 

[Ting]

thanks you guys for your opinion and comments. sorry i got upset when Ting said about adoption. there was a reason why i didn't abort nor gave Miaa up for adoption when i had her. it's just, unbearable i think what you guys are saying are true. i think this all leads to one thing, finance. then i think should really talk to my parents soon ^^ :wong19:

i understand why u r upset. cos ive been thru it when i had my girl. my parents and some friends advised me to abort, my teachers suggested adoption as the next best alternative.YES, I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES.
every move we make, hv consequences. of cos, adoption is not an easy process to go thru. neither any process is easy, but why in the first place, when u knew something might happen,u didnt take the precaution? once bitten, twice shy right? even now. im very careful with my fiance, though we are gg to get married soon, but to me, i know i do not want to hv a baby now even though financially, we r able to, so we take precaution.

finance is a main issue, honestly, without $$$ u cant do anything, not to mention raise children.
as to what Edwinnie mention,why in the past, can raise 13 kids, now cannot? it is not bcos we hv a choice. prices r raising EACH yr, or perhaps, every few mths. if u wanna compare, ok lor, my dad used to get 10c a day as pocket money to bring to sch, cos each bowl of noodles costs like what, 3c? now???? one bowl costs abt $1 alr. can compare like that anot? standard of living increases, ppl r more educated, of cos, $$$ is needed. if u wanna raise 13 kids, can, just go live in those 3rd world countries, dont hv to worry much abt finance.n it is not jst singaporeans, it is around the world lorr. only SG need money to survive????but one thing i agree with Edwinnie is, just go for the minimum or whatever u can afford. hand me downs, unbranded goods, as long not torn n tattered ok alr.

 

[shiyi]

i believe that if you wanna bring up the bb, no matter how broke you r, u will still find ways to work and save and scrimp.
just a matter of willpower

 

[Edwinie]

The reason why last time people can raise more kids goes further than the pricing of goods.
The basic a child needs now compared to the past has been raised a lot.
- no baby cot, just mattress
- no sterilizer. sterilize by boiling water or don't do it at all.
- no toys, handheld games. just simple masak and most of the time, run ard playground, catch spiders. so funny that we buy toys for our kids entertainment. they play games that are created for them (toys, boardgames, computer, psp). in the past, people create games out of nothing (almost).
- no special cloth diapers (even cloth diapers now are $20 for 10 pieces of cloth... overpriced). no disposable diapers either. my grandma used old clothes to wrap around.
- PAP nursery and kindergarten to prepare for primary 1. now, increasing parents going for private.
- going to govt medical centres compared to private.
- use second hand clothes, bottles, etc
- no epidural, just push thru.
- child care: family members. i guess this is hard depending on your family ties, their jobs, etc etc.. but it helps keeps cost down while you still can go and work
- breastmilk: no pumps. direct latch. my aunt fed her kid till he has teeth and started chewing on her nipple... ouch! but that is if you don't work.

i believe there are more things. it's how simple are you willing to go. i believe we can survive with all these even now. just that we have higher expectations for our kids now. how much inconvenience, time, sleep are you willing to sacrifice to scrimp and save for your kids?

i believe you need to go out and work. if you are to remain a single parent with the second pregnancy, you need to accumulate your work experience/education starting from NOW! you can't depend on your parents forever. if you don't start now, your pay will be the low. it's a competitive market out there with all the foreigners coming in for lower paying job. you and your kids will have a hard time. the world is practical. your aim is to be FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT for your 2 kids and yourself.

what most people think is that you don't have the finances. so they recommend abort or adopt. right now, it's ok to depend on family and friends to tide through this crisis. but aim to be financially stable and repay them in the future.

 

[masayuki]

Hi Edwinie,

I'm not against your advise for Pipi, but have you looked through both her blogs?

Susah Senang Sesama

it's our secret

She is not mature enough to raise a child.... She acts like one....
Miaa gets sick, her parents suffer, she blames her ex, still hangs out with friends who ask her to go party and drink?

Her current bf isn't any better, gets himself into trouble with the law and goes drinking with her 2 days straight!

She even feels like her parents blame her when it comes to Miaa....

Pipi needs to do ONE thing now.... that is to wake up and be responsible....

It's easy to claim that you are pro-life, do you dare pay the price?

 

[Edwinie]

i wanted to find her blog but i can't. so i'm relying on the little info that she gave in this thread.

i believe all these drinking and partying can become her past if she sets her mind to it. sometimes, people need to be dealt a hard blow to change and become mature overnight. maybe this can be the 'hard blow'.

the fact that she opened an account at mummysg just to seek opinions shows that she is willing to find a solution to her problems.

if we keep emphasising on what she had done or should not done and come up with a solution based on that, we are doing her disservice. she can change for the better, there's potential, and my advice tend to be more forward looking.

it's up to us to point out what is wrong and what to change.

if she wants to be pro-life, she needs to take the consequences. it's a lesson to learn and grow from it. if she does choose to keep, it's up to people to support her along the way.

if you don't realise, this whole thread only emphasizes on 1 thing. FINANCE. but what's the root cause of her lack of finance? this thread doesn't address it and i'm trying to do that.

 

[masayuki]

That's why the solution to her problem is for her to grow up and take responsibility....
It's not about finance, there is help i can secure for her from various agencies....
We must look at the root problem, else she will come back in 2 years and tells us that she is pregnant again....
No more clubbing or drinking or fooling around.... Her bf is the biggest disservice to her....

There is one straight forward solution, go work.... I have seen many single mothers go work first and later catch up with their studies....
Her family has helped her alot but she doesn't see or appreciate her sacrifice.... She takes her parents for granted....

Normally social workers will follow up with cases like this, unless the client refuses or unless the clients are deemed to be not suitable for investment of limited resources to help....

She still doesn't understand the seriousness of the matter and the sanctity of human life....

Truth is that with MTV and all that shit, teens these days think it's glorified to be a single mum without understanding the sacrifices they really face....

 

[mag_huiling]

Agree! There's no need to read her blog to know how she a person she's like. (I mean Temper wise)

If TS cannot afford to accept negative comments from others, How is she gonna accept even MORE NEgative, nasty, harsh comments from others? Dont tell me she's gonna scream like a mad woman with her kids around? (Bad influences)

Well, financial and FREEDOM is a main thing that a 17 years old parent should be able to give up.

TS, if your parents have been raising and supporting your daughter now. Do you think they would want you to give them another "bomb" ? How much is your parents earning a month? $10K? $100K?

IMO, if you dont change your character , etc..... There bound to be a THIRD one FORTH FIFTH, so on and fore, regardless of what your decisions are for this current pregnancy.

Do some relfections, think about what you really want in life? Carry on and having sex, getting pregnant with different guy's child and suffering yourself?

* Sorry if my comments are crude.

 

[Edwinie]

That's why the solution to her problem is for her to grow up and take responsibility....
It's not about finance, there is help i can secure for her from various agencies....
We must look at the root problem, else she will come back in 2 years and tells us that she is pregnant again....
No more clubbing or drinking or fooling around.... Her bf is the biggest disservice to her....

There is one straight forward solution, go work.... I have seen many single mothers go work first and later catch up with their studies....
Her family has helped her alot but she doesn't see or appreciate her sacrifice.... She takes her parents for granted....

Normally social workers will follow up with cases like this, unless the client refuses or unless the clients are deemed to be not suitable for investment of limited resources to help....

She still doesn't understand the seriousness of the matter and the sanctity of human life....

Truth is that with MTV and all that shit, teens these days think it's glorified to be a single mum without understanding the sacrifices they really face....

checked your profile and blog. i guess that u r a counsellor? spend time talking to her. i think she needs someone to help her make sense of what's going on and make more informed choice. you said you are neither pro-life nor pro-abortion. but i'm pro-life so i tend to be bias in my posts.

you have more experience than me. i'm just basing my advice and thoughts on my limited capacity. everyone here wants the best for pipi and her kid/s.

PIPI: be open minded. take in constructive advice from people, whether it sounds sweet or harsh to you. those who reply to you bothered to take time to type their thoughts out. there will always be a way out, just have to find it. =)

 

[pipi]

errr, ohkay. there's alot going on here. don't need to put hate on me right ? yes, so what i drink and club ? doesn't mean i don't look after Miaa. and yes, i do blame my Ex, cause he's the reason why we suffer(Miaa and me) he doesn't give Miaa any money for her whole 2 years of living on earth, so ? isn't he taking any responsibility towards Miaa ?u guys seriously need to know the whole story before making me look like a bad mother to Miaa. i go drink and club without asking my parents for money, so it doesn't bother my parents one bit. they know i do such things, so ? u don't have to judge me through my blog.

 

[pipi]

and about working, i had tried looking for a job, don't assume i never tried. i only have PSLE certificate to make it worst. why do you think after all the interviews and walk-in's i never get a single call from them ? don't say i never tried. i've been looking after Miaa this whole time. if i work, who's going to take care of her ? haiz