My feeling of being neglected by my husband is a depression thing?

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decoco

Member
Im currently preg with my 2nd child. And not sure if it's cos it's 2nd child, so my husband doesn't seem to care much. I feel that even my brother shows more concern to me than him I seemed to always be the last on his list. the following reasons why I think he dont care about me much now:

1) I have problem looking for confinement help. And through out these months, it's only me telling him how stressful I am and how troubled I am. Never has he raise this topic to me and ask me if I got any help or what solution I have come to. Even my younger brother who's not married can give me names of confinement lady he found and pass to me. He told me he knows how preg can be depressed so he has been v nice and helpful to me when he knows I'm preg. My husband on the other hand did not help anything. I asked him if he can help me ask around he just tell me has no friends who has confinement. Can that be? It's just a matter if the thoughtfulness right.

2) whenever we go for gynae checkup, I always tell him to take that day off, so I can spend sometime with him. But he always just rush to go for the checkup with me and then arrange for all sorts of meetings the rest of the day. I ask him to take leave he will say morning only dont need to take leave. Moreover he may be free in the afternoon if there's no meeting. But always come to the last minute he will say oh he need to go back for meetings etc. Then i get really upset. I don't take leave v often, so I look forward to this one day of break and I thought he can accompany me. But to him, he dont see that at all. To him, work is more important. What is 1 day of leave to him? That costly? I feel v neglected when I have a day off but he's working. I am v sad when i think of this.

3) just 3 days ago, I saw someone jumped off a block near my mom's place. It was really a v traumatizing experience for me. When my younger brother knew it, he got off his office immediately and meet me to try to help me overcome the fear. But my husband, when I call almost immediately after I saw, just say don't think about it already. Get to work and work k. My mom even asked me to take that day off to rest. But my husband just say go work. And he never ask me about how I'm feeling since that day. He told he no point bringing it up to make me think. The fact is, do u think u can forget what you saw so fast? I feel that he just conveniently excused himself from consoling me. My mom, dad and brother will ask me how am I. More than him. I'm pregnant with his child, and he can don't care about my emotional needs at all?

He can still go meet his friends for dinner and drinks even thought I told him I'm scared at home. Will your husband not just skip that stupid dinner and spend more time with u? I'm just upset he is not showing me concerns at all.

I know he works v hard at work, not trying to be calculative, but I actually pay more for this household more than him. I earn more than him but I dont need to spend that much time at work. So I always feel very unfair that he neglects me for work. Not like he earn more money to support us. At the end of the day, his money is his. He don't share the same dream as me. Which is to buy a better place to stay in and save money now. He don't believe in that. So u can't say he work hard now our better future. It's not.

Sometimes I wonder, are we that mismatch?? Very sad now. When my 2nd child comes, I think I may sink into deeper depression.
 
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MrsWang

Member
My dear.. This is really very depressing.. However, don't coop yourself up and be emotional as its not good for u and baby. On the bright side, u have your brother who show concern for you, although I know the feeling is different.

Have u tried to talk to him?? He seems to be avoiding you..
 
mswong

mswong

New Member
We probably could not expect husbands would care the second baby as much as the first baby. I think this is normal. If you expect more, then the more you think that he does not care for you. Your husband probably is not the thoughtful type man, you should not expect he would suddenly care for you a lot more than usual when you are pregnant. He probably thinks that you are not the first time pregnancy, so he wouldn't think so much. Maybe you can start thinking how your husband would react if this happens when you are not pregnant. If you really feel uncomfortable or a sudden change of your husband's caring, I think you should have a good talk with him then. Let him know how you feel about this pregnancy with him.

Well, I think you should enjoy your pregnancy by yourself and try not to think about someone wouldn't care for you. If he enjoys his life like this, you should let him know you enjoy your life better than he does and of course, without him.

Take care.
 
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felicity

Active Member
yes, mswong is right. i do have male colleagues whose wives are pregnant, and when i asked them how's their wives and how's the prep, they will say "aiya second one already, don't really care...", some maybe will add "my job now is to play with the first child so he/she will be used to playing with daddy and won't keep disturbing mummy who will be busy with the second one."

so i think guys generally mentality maybe is like "u've been through it once so u can cope, i can't really help much anyway"

of course if u need to get things off your chest, do come here and share, we are all willing to be ur "listening eye" :p
 
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fishnchips

Member
Hi, I hope things are looking up. From what I see, my hubby is very much like yours. But the difference was, I used to work with my hubby before we got married and thus, I understand our job and demands.

1.) Regarding confinement help. Apart from finding the "right" confinement lady, we are also worried whether this CL will give us more headaches and stuff. From hubby's point-of-view, he might think its better that we look for a CL ourselves as we are the ones facing her. Also, if the hubby recommended CL turned out to be "bad", we will question hubby why he recommend this CL? On a plus note, yr brother is helping to look for CL. Maybe your hubby thot since yr brother is helping, so no need for him to intervene?

2.) Actually my hubby saw my gynae for the 1st time until I was about 20weeks plus. Initially, I was very upset seeing every preggy women with their hubby by their side. I was the one sitting alone with a mag/playing hp/looking around etc. However, I also know that his boss is not that forgiving. Due to his job nature, there were constantly meetings and some kind of crisis mgt thing. There are bosses who are not understanding towards male staff with preggy wivies. Who likes to face a face-black-black boss rather than be with his preggy wife? Are you in your 2nd tri? Because going foward, your monthly gynae visits are going to be weekly ones. Perhaps your hubby also wants to save his "leaves" for such visits? Also, newborns have to keep going to pediatrician for checkups and such. My hubby told me that he also wants to save his "leaves" for such reasons too. True enuff, after our baby born, he had to take leave almost every week cox we kept running back to the hospital.

3.) Actually, its not a bad idea to go back to work. After seeing such incident, the last thing to do is to stay at home and think about it. Working gives an opportunity to divert attention. Are you the only one in the house if you return home? Or your mother will accompany you at home? Maybe your hubby is worried that you might think too much if you stay at home alone and scare yourself.

You mentioned you are earning more than him. Or could it be that he is working real hard to earn a promotion at work? So that he can also contribute more for the family? Actually, the hubby can also feel stress . Some guys take it upon themselves to provide everything for the family, some at least more than their wivies. Perhaps, your hubby is feeling this way? Instead of telling him that you feel neglected, why not ask how is he feeling?

This is your first baby? Hopefully things turn out to be okie. Usually, we are more gan-cheong the first time. There is a long path ahead and lots of room to understand each other. Things will become better *hugs*
 
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mswong

mswong

New Member
My husband did take a couple times of half day leave to visit my gynae with me. But then i don't think it's necessary as he always has to leave very rush after the appointment. Then I visited gynae with my mother or sometimes by myself. My mother insisted to keep me accompany because she was quite worried. By the way this was my first pregnancy.
Both of us are working full time and I don't actually think it's necessary for both to take leave at the same time. If I manage to do it by myself, i don't really want to bother him. I understand he feels that the living expenses will be increasing and neither of us could be afford to lose the job. Probably your husband would feel this way as well?
 
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decoco

Member
Thanks all. I'm really glad to be able to share my unhappiness in this forum and have you ladies to console me. I feel better now.

To some of you who asked, this is my 2nd baby. So this could be why i see him neglecting me more than first one.

Over last week, I started hinting to my husband that he's neglecting me over his work. Can see a bit more effort from him after that. But hope to see more from him soon. Guess I can only depend on myself to self-console or self-motivate.

Also decided to hire a helper in the house. Hope like that I can depend on the helper when i need help while he's so busy.
 
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