My Love Story... Retold...

[thepinkdot]

Actually... I hv pretty much resigned to my fate
Even if i wanna move on, its better i find someone new to do so rite ? I do hope i meet someone...
Being alone is scary... I already been alone for 3 yrs...
3 yrs is a very long time...

I think i will be scolded by some of you... Doesnt know wat i talking abt anymore...
Seems like i been alone for too long, have greatly affected me...
Am i too primative in my mind ? I tot love can conquers all, is it time for me to wake up ?
I am so so confused now...
So very tired and exhausted....

Maybe i shld switch jobs again to a mixed gender environment....

this morning while i was reading this thread.. i wanted to applaud your decision for staying strong in your own decision and the fact that you are trying to be there for your children..

tonight, after reading this, you're just a sad sad sad weak man who is lost in his own troubles. if your wife truly has no love for you, she will eventually leave you. but have you thought of her motives of staying with you for so many yrs? hmm..

AND if you truly love your wife, you will be strong and make a decision on your own. there is NO NEED to drag a 3rd party into this mess..

 

[Tristie]

I wouldnt wanna start a war with all of you here, but sadly its a bit difficult to say how i am feeling now.
My love may be strong but do you know how i hv suffered the past 3 yrs ??
Did you know wat she said to me before and wat she wanted ??
She once told me that we are only legally married on paper, but she dun consider me as her husband. That is when our problems started... She is only staying becoz of the kids...
She juz wanted her own life, i am not to interfere in any of her business. Even if she is seeing someone is also not my concern...

How would you feel after hearing that if it happens to you ? You know how greatly affected i am after hearing this ??
Yes my love is strong, over the yrs i am slowly being swallowed by loneliness.
Being married is like not married at all, having a wife is like not having one...
Living under the same roof is like renting out a room to a tenent...

To be frank i am really lost... I am like a zombie now... I dunno wat to feel how to feel...
With a wife like this wont you feel different ? Wont you feel neglected ? Wont you feel lonely ? Wont you feel you need company ?

Some of you asked me to take time off and go out, change my lifestyle...
I would love to, but how to change if you are alone and you hv nobody to ask for company ??
I go out, i will be alone... Wont it be worse if i start imagining things ?

 

[Tristie]

I apologise to all...
I think i totally lost my cool back there...
Sorry....

I think i am badly affected till i dunno wat i am saying anymore...

 

[Ting]

well, the thing is u r not alone, the world is so big, n u r as alone as u think u r. u still hv your kids dont u? u can take them out, n have a good time.
agree with pinkdot, why bring in another 3rd or 4th party in? the problem obviously lie btw u n your wife, why need to involve other ppl n make things worst?
u move on bcos u want to, not stay on bcos u r lonely. funny thing is, u say u love your wife n the love for her is strong, but yet now u wanna find someone else to help u move on? makes no sense. n it is a fact that your wife has moved on without u. perhaps what u think is love, but i think u r just being 执着 （pardon me if i write wrongly), thats why now u r in this state of loss. IMO, no offence, but though u r 32 alr, but u still think like a 22 yo. sometimes its not love thats why u r holding on, its just that u cant accept the fact that this happen, n u still hope for a fact that it is a bad dream n it will end. time to wake up your ideas n thinks whats best for yourself, your wife n your kids.

 

[jiajia]

I wouldnt wanna start a war with all of you here, but sadly its a bit difficult to say how i am feeling now.
My love may be strong but do you know how i have suffered the past 3 yrs ??
Did you know what she said to me before and what she wanted ??
She once told me that we are only legally married on paper, but she dont consider me as her husband. That is when our problems started... She is only staying becoz of the kids...
She just wanted her own life, i am not to interfere in any of her business. Even if she is seeing someone is also not my concern...

How would you feel after hearing that if it happens to you ? You know how greatly affected i am after hearing this ??
Yes my love is strong, over the yrs i am slowly being swallowed by loneliness.
Being married is like not married at all, having a wife is like not having one...
Living under the same roof is like renting out a room to a tenent...

To be frank i am really lost... I am like a zombie now... I dont know what to feel how to feel...
With a wife like this wont you feel different ? Wont you feel neglected ? Wont you feel lonely ? Wont you feel you need company ?

Some of you asked me to take time off and go out, change my lifestyle...
I would love to, but how to change if you are alone and you have nobody to ask for company ??
I go out, i will be alone... Wont it be worse if i start imagining things ?

You remind me of my husband and your wife is like me.....

i ever said the same thing like her, i don't like my husband to touch me, to me i also feel that i am staying with him becos of kids only, i feel disgusted sometimes when he touches me......

I went thru too much with him, he claim that he is tryign so hard all these years to win me back, he keep telling me that he wants the old me back, but i told him the 'old' me is already dead, i no longer the same old person he used to know.....

Why i feel this way now was becos of what he did to me. But i believe u are not like him.....

I believe ur wife's heart probably is dead. LIke how i feel. used to quarrel too much and when i voice out my feeling to my husband he just ignore and don't listen to me, end up giving me lots of problems also......too much times a quarrel and of cos many issue also.....in the end, i really give up on him and that's why my heart is totally dead. I hated him. After when i give up, he tried for about years to get back or to 'find' back the person that i used to be. ( i used to care n treat him nice) I am totally a change person to him now. I know he had change, but my heart is just dead.

Even when i wanted to have another kids, it was solely becos i want my son to have another siblings only.......

When he tried to talk to me or discuss certain issue with me, i will avoid it, and if he insisted to get answer from me, i would voice out divorce.......many times i really wanted to divorce, cos to me, life is better without him around. I am independant, and to me it makes no differecen having him around.....

But from what i read from you story, i believe you are not like my husband......

 

[keefu]

Dear TS, I guess my story is kind of similar to yours, like your wife I also have an unplanned pregnancy at age 24, hubby (then bf) was 25 and the timing was 'bad' when we decided to keep it... I just change job with slightly higher pay but the change was 100% different from my previous job I've worked for years, so doesn't feel secured at that time, but hubby assured that it will be okay because at that time his income was stable with a decent amount of savings to get by and an additional of our joint savings account, we can afford to last through my pregnancy for gynae check ups and delivery. But a couple of weeks later, something happened to my hubby during work and cause him indirectly lose his income in a huge way... At that time, feeling worried for unable to raise baby, not even having a flat yet, I suggested abortion because I wasn't confident in giving baby a proper environment and financially wise as both of us are not highly educated... My husband's job requires him to work during weekends, and for my job it took me half a year to leave my office job and change to one with shift working hours. I am also not mentally prepared as I'm not someone who is into kids and planned to have one only after getting a flat... I am also worried that my hubby will regret in future for having a baby too early as there is no freedom and put the blame on me...

Just too many dilemmas at that time. I know that by doing abortion, I will definitely feel guilty as this is my first baby, and in future I decided to have one, I will feel so bad towards the foetus I have first aborted...

Anyway, my hubby told me to be fair to the unborn baby because it's not that we have 0 savings, we still can provide the necessities he needs for now, so we keep our baby and arranged our wedding shortly after, hubby found a new job while I worked till my maternity leave. Now looking for interior designer for our resale flat...

I'm still happily married for now, can't say for that in the future as I'm still living seperately with my hubby...

Anyway I am not sure whether your wife have the same thoughts as me when she knows she is going to commit to marriage and kids earlier then expected. But from your post I can feel that you still love her a lot...

From my pov, initially she did not mind getting married to you, she could have thought that sacrificing her freedom to you and your daughter is acceptable. But after committing for too long, seeing her peers gets to travel around the world, clubbing, goes out freely for shopping or meals, she feels isolated and wanted her freedom and let go of you and your children. Taking part time studies could be one of the things she wanted to do when she's was back then an admin staff, and now trying to fulfill it.

For your MLM business, you mentioned that you fork out $15k to start the business. Although it's not her money, could it be that after you fork out the money, your family has some financial issues? Was the $15k meant for your kids or other form of expenses? She could be happy that you could be a boss, but on the other hand she feel that MLM isn't her cup of tea to earn money, the business might not run well thus unhappy about it, especially before that financial issues sometimes surfaced when you decide to hold a lower pay job.

I reckon that you are only the breadwinner of the family? Since you mentioned your wife have to handle the children singlehandlely when you were still in the marine line, I assume she is SAHM? Was it a mutual decision or out of no choice? Cos I don't think SAHM is everyone's cup of tea, some mothers may prefer to earn their own income... The possibilities are:
-She loves to be SAHM, but she's drained out for looking after children
-She loves to be SAHM, but worrying about the family finances, and could have no luxury of buying what she wants. Was she pampered once in a while for outings other than dinner, any intimate time?
-She thinks that she has lacked behind others in terms of education, work & social life
-She lose self esteem after staying in home for too long
-Unable to share mother's experiences with many friends, especially if the peers are not married during when she was younger
-Feel that she is wasting her youth away, and will think about "IF she don't have children... etc"
-Feel that ideal married life even as a SAHM is not what she expected
-Is the second daughter born due to planning, or just for accompany for the first daughter? If it's the latter, then I guess more burden is placed on her...

The above are just my vague guessings... If she is FTWM, chances could be:
-Too tired juggling between work and family, and need to do housework while reaching home
-Was children taken care by ILs? Any in law problems...?
-Despite working, still have financial issues?
-No chances to go for a short escapede even though there is leave?

Hope that you have time to communicate openly with her... By the way she suggested divorce, even if she doesn't an affair, it seems like she regretted marrying and wanted her old life back, otherwise she wouldn't "throw" her children to you while she goes for part time studies. Upgrading is nothing wrong. If she communicate with you to take turn to take care of the children while studying, it's fine. But if she didn't communicate with you and just applied for studies without thinking whether children will be taken care of, then I'll assume she is sick/tired of taking care of them...

Again, that's just my guessings... Who knows one day I might react like her in the future...

 

[Tristie]

You remind me of my husband and your wife is like me.....

i ever said the same thing like her, i don't like my husband to touch me, to me i also feel that i am staying with him becos of kids only, i feel disgusted sometimes when he touches me......

I went thru too much with him, he claim that he is tryign so hard all these years to win me back, he keep telling me that he wants the old me back, but i told him the 'old' me is already dead, i no longer the same old person he used to know.....

Why i feel this way now was becos of what he did to me. But i believe u are not like him.....

I believe ur wife's heart probably is dead. LIke how i feel. used to quarrel too much and when i voice out my feeling to my husband he just ignore and don't listen to me, end up giving me lots of problems also......too much times a quarrel and of cos many issue also.....in the end, i really give up on him and that's why my heart is totally dead. I hated him. After when i give up, he tried for about years to get back or to 'find' back the person that i used to be. ( i used to care n treat him nice) I am totally a change person to him now. I know he had change, but my heart is just dead.

Even when i wanted to have another kids, it was solely becos i want my son to have another siblings only.......

When he tried to talk to me or discuss certain issue with me, i will avoid it, and if he insisted to get answer from me, i would voice out divorce.......many times i really wanted to divorce, cos to me, life is better without him around. I am independant, and to me it makes no differecen having him around.....

But from what i read from you story, i believe you are not like my husband......

Dear jiajia,

I truely envy your husband, at least he still "gets it" from you...
Not me, not anymore...

Yes indeed i truely love my wife alot, but this love is juz one sided...
I received quite some comments for me to move on but i seriously cant and dunno how to...
There are really times when i really wanted to end myself, times also to run away from it all...
But i stayed becoz of my wife and kids, and i remembered how me and my family used to lead our lives without my father around since i was born...

I tell you, things would be easier to handle if we do not hv kids...
Both of us could hv juz walked off without any burdens...
Its already been 3 yrs and still counting... How many husbands in the world can endure a non-physical relationship with his wife for 3 whole solid years ?
It is not sex i am after, NO.... All i want is to hold her hand again...

 

[jiajia]

Dear jiajia,

I truely envy your husband, at least he still "gets it" from you...
Not me, not anymore...

Yes indeed i truely love my wife alot, but this love is just one sided...
I received quite some comments for me to move on but i seriously cant and dont know how to...
There are really times when i really wanted to end myself, times also to run away from it all...
But i stayed becoz of my wife and kids, and i remembered how me and my family used to lead our lives without my father around since i was born...

I tell you, things would be easier to handle if we do not have kids...
Both of us could have just walked off without any burdens...
Its already been 3 yrs and still counting... How many husbands in the world can endure a non-physical relationship with his wife for 3 whole solid years ?
It is not sex i am after, NO.... All i want is to hold her hand again...

Understand what you mean, it's not just sex that you want. You wan her attention and love back last u guys used to be. This is what my husband told me also, he also wanted to end his life many times whenever i show him cold shoulder or wanted to divorce him. To be honest, I ever find lawyer and we nearly go court for divorce already, but it was becos of my son that i tot of giving him a complete family that i tot of giving him a last chance. Though i really hate what he did, but when i see he is trying to change for better, i also somehow slowly forget about all the nonsense he did b4. However, it really take more time for me to get closer in physical.

Like you, my husband came from a broken family, his mother passed away or rather, leave for another man since he was about 9 years old, and he has been living indepandantly by himself since then. Maybe he dun know how to love and love in a wrong way. Whenever i tot of this, i forget about his weaknesses.

But for you case, i feel somehow, maybe ur wife is kinda like regret to get married, to have kids....and she feels she prefer a single life hood.......i feel that way also at times.

My husband always tot that i wanted to separate becos i am seeing another guy, but it's, i just wan to have my own free time to do my own things without anyone stopping me. eat what i like, shop and buy what i want, spend as i wish without thinking much. perhaps she is seeking for all these?

 

[diymummy]

I feel that both of you should try to consult a marriage counsellor if possible. Since your wife is still in this marriage, why not try to make it into a happily ever after?

I agree with Ting that it might be that she feels tied down by family while comparing to her friends, her friends are out having fun.

The grass is always greener on the other side. When you're single, you wish you're married, when you're married you miss your single days.

For all your job changes and MLM, did you discuss your decision with your wife? Maybe she feels disregarded that you didn't discuss it with her? Though your intentions are good, I'm sure your wife would have very much prefered to hear you out first before you started anything.

I think right now, since you said you have tried all you can, why not go for marriage counselling and work it through together. I know there're marriage counselling services at your nearest family center or at community service centers which you can go check out.

Sometimes, it could just be a bad case of misunderstanding. You might feel that you love her alot by doing all these things that you're doing but maybe she doesn't interpret it that way. Talk it through with someone. It's easier to speak it out than letting your mind play you out with all sorts of thoughts where some may be untrue.

 

[jiajia]

I remember that time my husband also ask me to seek counsellor help, but i feel hopeless to go. I dun feel like going.

diymummy, IMO, I don't think his wife will go.....that's what i feel.

 

[Tristie]

Actually we went for counselling before, after afew sessions she told me and the counsellor its pointless and we stopped since....

No matter what mistakes she had done i always forgive and forget... This time its not a very serious thing as if i got caught cheating, i only tried to do smt for the sake of family and i got blamed for it ??

Yes i did consult her about the business, if you read my story i mentioned i even brought her to view the shop and she showed support, now suddenly she just threw a bomb at me and started blaming me for everything...

Initially i didnt really wanna reveal this as it is smt very private... Do you know wat she had done ? She went for an surgery to insert some anti-pregnancy device WITHOUT TELLING ME.... Had i not discovered the receipt from KK hospital and called to enquire i would hv been kept in the dark forever... Even her whole family doesnt know abt it...
How would you feel when you suddenly discover this thing by chance ??

Blow after blow after blow.... How am i supposed to feel now ?? How would any man feel ?? How am i supposed to react to such a blow ??

 

[jiajia]

Actually we went for counselling before, after afew sessions she told me and the counsellor its pointless and we stopped since....

No matter what mistakes she had done i always forgive and forget... This time its not a very serious thing as if i got caught cheating, i only tried to do smt for the sake of family and i got blamed for it ??

Yes i did consult her about the business, if you read my story i mentioned i even brought her to view the shop and she showed support, now suddenly she just threw a bomb at me and started blaming me for everything...

Initially i didnt really wanna reveal this as it is smt very private... Do you know wat she had done ? She went for an surgery to insert some anti-pregnancy device WITHOUT TELLING ME.... Had i not discovered the receipt from KK hospital and called to enquire i would hv been kept in the dark forever... Even her whole family doesnt know abt it...
How would you feel when you suddenly discover this thing by chance ??

Blow after blow after blow.... How am i supposed to feel now ?? How would any man feel ?? How am i supposed to react to such a blow ??

Ooh.........that's quite bad....

Actually u urself dun know what is the cause of the problem, and she keep avoiding you.....

From my own point of view, (that's only my feeling) tells me that she really have no love for u, and she is very selfish without thinking about her own children.

Honestly, I also dun know if i still have love for my husband, but for the sake of my children, i am willing to give it another try, to give my children a complete family. And my husband also tot of children, i believe that's why he is trying hard to change and tolerate my nonsense now. (i am giving him a lot of my nonsesne back, revenge, )

But for ur case, I somehow feel that she prefer to be single and leave the family behind doing her own things.

I don't know if this works, maybe you both should be separated for a while meaning stay separately, give each other time to be alone, or rather let her be alone n do her own things. Maybe when kids n u are not with her, she will missed and realised that she is missing her most presious person besides her. I believe she had been taking things for grant as for now.....sometime human just dun treasure what they have now till they lost them.

I just suggest only, better than to divorce right away. I was separate away from my husband for about 1 year too.....

 

[Tristie]

I didnt really know abt seperation...
We had not been sleeping on the same bed for 3 yrs already, and had not been intimate ever since...
Does that count as seperated coz i consulted a lawyer and she says if 3 yrs not had sex you dun need to file for seperation, its immediate divorce...

Or are you saying living seperately ? Then how abt the kids ? Who will take care of them while both of us are working ?

 

[jiajia]

I didnt really know abt seperation...
We had not been sleeping on the same bed for 3 yrs already, and had not been intimate ever since...
Does that count as seperated coz i consulted a lawyer and she says if 3 yrs not had sex you dun need to file for seperation, its immediate divorce...

Or are you saying living seperately ? Then how abt the kids ? Who will take care of them while both of us are working ?

oh, i mean living seperately. Who is taking of ur kids now? By the way, i am just suggesting only. For my case, i also can file for divorce straightaway which i nearly n almost did. But i just stay separately from him for a year....

I was staying with my parents during the time, and i got a maid to take care of my son, as my both parents were working. My dad would be at home during day, while my mum will be back home at around 3 plus, so there is always an adult at home to oversee.....

I am not sure about ur arrangement......but i am just suggesting tempo separation only.

 

[Tristie]

My MIL is taking care in the day while both of us work. If we were to live seperate most probably she will stay at her mom place.
If the kids were to continue staying there wont she be seeing them most of the time while i am at the losing end ??
Getting a helper is not really a good choice as we are not comfortable with the idea...

She too is almost like you, giving me a lot of nonsense...
Snapping at me for the slightest things, angry when i showed a little more concern saying i am controlling and monitoring her movements and such...

I am really getting tired...
Worse yet... She starts to smoke...

 

[jiajia]

My MIL is taking care in the day while both of us work. If we were to live seperate most probably she will stay at her mom place.
If the kids were to continue staying there wont she be seeing them most of the time while i am at the losing end ??
Getting a helper is not really a good choice as we are not comfortable with the idea...

She too is almost like you, giving me a lot of nonsense...
Snapping at me for the slightest things, angry when i showed a little more concern saying i am controlling and monitoring her movements and such...

I am really getting tired...
Worse yet... She starts to smoke...

That's difficult to deal with......

then ask her what she really want, it's unfair to u.

As for my case, my husband sumtimes cannot take it from me, he would ask me what i want, normally i would voice out separated again n again. But everytime he refused to let me, so he got to bear with my nonsense at times even the slightest thing i could get angry or scold him. But then again, i still take care of his meals and make sure my son n him get a proper meal....in another words, i still take care of his needs. just that i am easily angry with some small issue that i am not happy with him....but at the same time, i also would prefer if he is not with me......sigh......me confused also....

i dun know why i treat him this way, unlike years back. He used to control me. i quit smoking becos of him, i dun have friends becos he was over pocessive, even i go out with my family he would always call me to check. Always accused of me having bf outside...so on......too many nonsense he used to give me till i really cannot take it.

Now, he dun. I go out when i like. But most of the time i rather stay at home as i know my son is waiting for me. I just cannot bear to leave my son alone n have fun outside.

I dun know if ur wife think the same as me. For me, i am willing to sacrified for my children, i rather spend more time with my children than to go out with friends. Even when i go out, i bring my son along sumtimes. i can do without my husband, friends, but not my children which i think most mothers think the same.

But i am not sure how ur wife measure between her kids, friends or whatever. how close she is with her kids will tell. if ur wife choose friends or singlehood than family, then i think u better give up......sorry to be mean here....cos after so many years of staying together, no physical contact, nothing, then life is so miserable staying together? don't waste time, ur kids will feel no love at home too....

I believe seeking counsellor is the only solution but i know she won't wan to go anymore. I went through counselling before, i refused to go after that, becos i really wan to end the marriage. But i am not sure if ur wife think the same.

I ever told my husband, if we divorce, i would be very happy and relieved. I am not angry when i said this to him, i told him i really mean it, but he just dun wanna let go...

I am not asking u to go ahead with divorce, but perhaps separation first, and that doesn't mean that is no good. You urself time and herself the time. U suggest her to, see how she response...

 

[happymummyo7]

Sorry to say this, but i guess its just because of a wrong start.

I have never believed in getting married cause of pregnancy. Me n the sperm donor was also together for almost a year. We were so 'in love' then too. We even planned about marriage when the accident happened n the rest kit showed two lines. But when i reached tge 3rd month of my pregnancy, i decide to end it. Not the pregnancy but the relationship. Its like, love isnt enough reason to get married. Can u imagine yrself living 20, 40 yrs with this person. R u ready for it? Is that person ready?
Those were the thoughts that came into my mind back then. N i finally decide, no. Things that followed on after the breakup just prove my decision right. Up till this moment, my terrorist is 18mths old already. Imma happy single mummy with a happy kiddo.
I rather him not have a father, but with everyone else loving him. Then to get married so that he has a 'complete' family, n grow up seeing daddy mummy quarrel every now n then.

The cold war between u n yr wife, no matter how old yr girls r now, u think they wont feel sonething's missing? However much effort u feel u have put on, if its not working n theres no changes in things. U r not doing it right/ u r not putting enough/ its just not meant to b.

If yr wife wants bread, u give her shark fin abalone u think she's happy?

No matter what decision u made, do what u think is right for the kid.

When i decide i wanna go through this alone, i told myself i will give my best n everything i have. I went through pregnancy, labour n confinement by myself. Look after the kiddo myself. Feeding changing diapers bathing everything myself. Initially cos i didnt have a choice, n now cos i willingly want to. I would rather stay hm bath him pat him to sleep then to go out at night. No life or what, ive no regrets.
N im only 22.

Theres no such thing as can or cannot. Its only want or dont want. Wake up n think about what u really want. She dont want to talk? Or u haven been listening? Maybe she had already talked. But u just wouldnt accept it. Whatever it is. Only u know it best.
If u really m able to sacrifice for yr girls, if u really love yr girls as much as u said u do. Then do whats right for them. Jia you.

 

[Tristie]

Well....
Its already been 3 yrs and i guess i sort of gotten used to the loneliness.
Moving on ?? How to ? Can i still ?

Its silly isnt it, to give up over such a stupid reason or excuse if you call it this way...
*sigh....

 

[Luveleen]

Hi Tristie,

I happen to come across this tread and i can imagine and i know what you are going through. I'm seperated with my husband last July, till now the pain that i have been through is indescribleable.

Once her heart has changed, there is no way to turn it back. I can tell you what my husband had said to me is ten time worse than what she has said to you.

Yes your love is strong, but it has to be diverted to someone else and not her. Be it your children or your family members, try voluntery work and keep yourself busy or think of what you want to do which you have given up bcos of some reasons. It helps.

She is no longer your wife. If she is, she won't be treating you like that.

You are not alone, don't be shy to ask a friend out for company, they will be glad that you asked and stop feeling bitter, think positively, things really isn't as bad as you think it is.

If you want, i would be glad to have a chat with you over a cup of coffee someday, take care & smile.

 

[Tristie]

If you want, i would be glad to have a chat with you over a cup of coffee someday, take care & smile. [/QUOTE]


Hi Luveleen,

I would be glad to meet you if you want to... I dun mind actually, i guess wat we both need now are friends, perhaps new ones.
Is there anyway i can contact you ?