parents still treat me as a kid =(

[apollo]

Sry mummies, i know i've been ranting so much even since i gave birth. but i don't know who to turn to =(

My parents dote me alot, always want to decide everything for me, afriad that I will get cheated easily. They are always very protective towards me.. But sometimes, it's getting too over that I'm getting breatheless...

I got married at the age of 19, gave birth to dear son at 21... To them I'm still a kid, which I agree too, cause after being a mother, I know how a parent thinks.

But they really CARE too much!!!

My mum forbids me to bring dear son out!!! Even with hubby also cannot, unless we going back to in-laws' place...

Whenever my friends asked me "where's your baby?" whenever I go find them, I feel so lousy cause I dont't even have the 'right' to bring dear son out!

Ytd, hubby and me went to taka toy fair, bought 5 toys for dear son... All so cheapand can learn music, ABC, 123, animals etc... my mum gave me a BIG SCOLDING just now!!!

She said dear son only 2mth old, dont't need any toys... I told her is on sales and he can learn through playing. she snapped at me saying that he's too young for toys and I dont't have to buy and keep... But I think 2-3 mths later I can start introducing him those toys alrdy...

I also bought a set of 'your baby can read' vcd and books for dear son. I think she will ask me soon "how much" and why I let dear son watch all these when he's only 2mth old... I really dont't know how to ans her...

She said I'm wasting money to buy so much toys for him! Frankly, I bought only 5 for him, it's the boxes that seems like I bought ALOT! I'm dear son's mother, I dont't have the say to bring him out, I cannot buy toys for him???

Even my in-laws also keep saying that we should bring dear son out more often to let him get used of the crowd. Why my in-laws can be so open minded and my parents can't???

I'm very stress whenever I wanna buy something. I will tell my hubby "what if mum scold and scream at us again?"

My hubby also feel very pissed whenever my mum scold us for the things we bought. She feels that, we're married alrdy so I gonna give up making-up, buying clothes etc... hubby should give up his hobbies too...

Hubby suggested next time if we wanna get something BIG, place them at my in-laws' place 1st and when dear son can play alrdy, then bring home....

And later we're going down to town again. Mum said she's very tired and expect us to come back by 8pm. I suggested why not we bring dear son along so she can rest welll, she said a firm "NO!" But our time is very limited, how to come back by 8pm???

Before I got preg, and alrdy MARRIED, she will keep calling mine or hubby's hp to ask "what time your coming back??? very late alrdy!" when it was only 7pm!!! Sometimes better , 8pm then calll....

my cousin date me out next week and we agree to bring both our babies out. She is quite good in taking care baby and I thought I can FINALLY bring dear son out alone BUT my mum gave me 3 choices:
1. my hubby must follow
2. leave dear son at home
3. she follow

My hubby's schedule can't fit so in the end, I choose to let her follow cause I really want to bring dear son out to let him see the world outside...

As for my dad, he dont't allow me to bathe dear son alone... He MUST be there when I bathe dear son... I told him I once bathe dear son alone before and I HAVE TO LEARN!! He just dont't trust me... There was once, I proof him wrong, I bathe dear son when he went out to buy things... When he's back, he was shocked.. I thought after that I can bathe dear son alone alrdy but NOPE, he still continue to 'supervise' me...

As i have inverted nipple, if i wanna latch on dear son, i gonna "pump out" my nipple 1st but dear son very impatient so I just pump out and keep in the fridge, next feed then give him. My dad keep say pump out alrd all nutrients no longer there, might as well dont't feed.. I agree, latching on is always the best. when I told him my condition can't successful latch on dear son everytime, he said "that means you're not suitable bf-ing, stop bf-ing!"

What' that nonsense???!!! even Thomson Medical Center's LC encouraged me to pump out the milk for dear son when he can't latch on and even though latching on is the best! When I told him what pediatrician, gynae and LC told me, he said "all are nonsense"

my mum keep say ds don't like my bm. I told her no matter he lik or not also must drink! even a lil also better than nth... She said 1 day drink ard 200ml, might as well don't rink.and said fm is the SAME... when i told her it's NOT the same, she'll replied "you also never drink bm before also grow up so well. drink fm baby will be fatter!" Is FAT and chubby so impt than being healthy???

I know they mean well. The reasons they do all these is because they really love me and dear son alot and they also dote my hubby alot too. but I think they are too over-protective alrdy!

I really love them, love staying with them, love their care & concerns, but how to let their concern be normal instead of too over?

 

[meiteoh]

Girl, I feel your pain because I go through the same thing as well with my parents...since I got pregnant and until today...nothing has change. They see their constant criticism and "advice" as concern but I see it as meddling and nagging. And they do it to my bro as well. His way of tackling it? dont't come home to visit my parents so often and when he does come home, he doesn't talk to my parents at all.

Since they arrived a few weeks ago, they have been harping on the fact that my hubby and I have a lot of things - hello, we are two people with an apartment, how not to get barang? My parents think I should eat out more often, entertain guests in restaurants instead of at home, that I shouldn't decorate my house (even though the stuff are gifts from my in-laws), that I shouldn't buy so many things and so forth.

My dad is constantly criticizing - nothing hubby and I do is good enough for him. Even things like how hubby pack our things also he must criticize. He is always constantly telling me things like "you should watch where you're walking otherwise you'll drop your baby", "you should do this", "you should do that". And what's worse is that he can criticize other people but when he does something wrong, you cannot say a thing. Like leaving the lights on, and leaving dirty dishes in the sink and all - other people cannot do it but when he does it, it's perfectly fine. Why? "I'm not paying for the electricity". My mum always tells him that it's not his house yet he treats the place as if it's his and my hubby and I have to adjust our lives to suit his. In fact, I was even told that my hubby telling my dad to be more considerate of others who are staying in the house is rude. Yet he can go around breaking my things and dirtying the place without helping to clean up at all and not even apologizing for it. =.=

What's worse is that he's constantly disturbing my daugther when she wants to go to sleep. When I explain nicely to him that she needs to sleep, he goes "Never mind lor. New mums are always overprotective". WTH. Ingat my daugther is a toy - want to play, must stay awake for him, but when it's time to jaga her or when she fusses, my dad doesn't help out. Carry her oso he refuse on the stupid excuse that he's scared he'll drop her. Instead he puts her on a small cushion on the sofa - reason being that it's good for her. WTH.

why'know, when I was pregnant, my mum forbid me to buy any baby clothes, saying that they were expensive in Switzerland, let her buy, blah, blah. She even wanted to buy the car seat, stroller and all AND ship the whole shebang to Switzerland from KL. And diapers - did I mention that she shipped disposable diapers over? Aiiii. But she's nothing compared to my dad. At least she knows when to back off. My dad? Totally different story. Everything must adjust to his desires, his needs and everything must be done according to what he sees to be fit and proper.

Like your parents, I know they mean well and all but I just wish they would take a step back and just learn to let go, let us live our own lives the way we want to live it.

 

[stonston]

I think it's chinese mentality for parents to 'criticise' their kids. Apparently, it's their way of showing us that they care

From young my parents know that I dun take such criticism from them & I'll scream my head off at them. So they've learnt to just keep their comments to themselves & only say it if it is really important. & I've learnt to listen to them better because they only open their mouth when it's important. I used to tell my dad that he nags so much his voice becomes background noise & even when he tells me something important, I won't be listening.

My aunts/uncles still criticise my cousins who have sec sch age children. & my cousins have learnt to laugh it off. I recall one of my cousins who will retort "I'm already a mother of 3, what makes you think I'm still a kid?".

Learn to ignore & take their voices as background noise. They'll soon learn to shut up.

 

[pink_daisy]

WAT!!! u r only 21!?!!.... gosh! i feel so old... (hahaha)..anyway, no matter how young or old we r, we r still a little kid in our parents' eyes... i tink mayb they feel u r a 1st time mummy, inexperienced n still young...so mayb they r abit over protective....or mayb is their 1st grandchild so, they r overly concerned??... when i 1st gave birth to my 1st child, my dad called me almost everyday until i cant tahan... i told him not to call me everyday coz sometimes, im busy with the child or other things...slowly, he didnt call.. i can understand how u feel..but give your parents some time n soon they will let u handle things on your own. smile =)

 

[Jen1106]

hi meiteoh... wah ur mum a bit 'kua zhang' leh ship all those things like diapers from kl all the way to switzerland??

 

[apollo]

meiteoh, your dad abit over leh, waking up ur girl? my dad is opposite! whenever ds is slping, we cannot talk to loud, if not he will rush to his grandson see if he's awake...

stonston, whenever i ask my mum to give me freedom or not to always criticise on what i do, she will say i'm v petty cannot take her words...

actu my parents is very good to me, i know. but sometimes, hubby and me just wish to do things on our way. mostly, we'll rather listen to what pd said and those old wives tales but my parents (esp mum) always prefers to be supersticious.. when ds cry v badly, i told her pd got said b4, he got colic so he'll cry whenever his tummy got wind, she will say is becos we brought him out on when or when... for old wives tales, i will believe but it depends on which type... that time ds poopoo green color, she insisted he kanna frighten. I told her "wow so power sia! kanna frighten poopoo green color ah?" even ask me go polyclinic take injection rmb ask the nurse izzit kanna frighten. i told her i dun wanna be kicked out ban to go into polyclinic...:tlaugh:
when i told her nurse said shd be my bm cause the poo to become green, not to wry then she said "nah told u alrdy, must be the milk la......"

KILL ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and my mum will ask me to stop bf-ing ds once every 2 days...

you know, EBM need to warm up right? need ard 2-3min... ds very impatient keep screaming. my mum will ask me to give up just give him fm, faster.. my dad will say (to ds) things like "you see, your mum so bad, you hungry alrdy still want to torture you!"

 

[tika]

Malay parents are known to impose and criticize too. My mom is one of them. My hubby's parents are Indian muslims and they, too, treat him like a kid. So its not only Chinese parents' mentality. I dare say its ALL old parents (maybe age 45 and above). Their mentality and frequency very different from young parents.

I used to never argue and would obey blindly to all my mom's requests. Then I gave birth. It was overwhelming being a new mother and my recovery from csect was not as speedy as I would have liked it. My mother was really driving me into depression during the first few weeks. So like stonston, I SCREAMED at her. Like a mad woman. I think something inside my head just snapped. And it worked. She has learnt to keep her opinions to herself, or at least now she tells me nicely if she disagrees and we would discuss about issues. Previously she would leave no room for me to argue.

Hubby's approach was different. He doesn't yell or scream at his parents. He'll make his point of disagreement, and when his parents insists, he'll just say "We'll see how" and remove himself from his parents' sight.

Sure its rude. Sure they'll get hurt. But they'll get over it. Like how we get over when they scream and yell at us for various reasons. They say old ppl are sensitive. I never knew sensitivity could recognise age. Young parents like us cannot be sensitive mehh?

 

[austrina]

wow regina seems like ur parents r 2 over-protective 2 ur ds & u oreadi... it jus simply nv cross their mind dat their little baby(datz u) last time had oreadi grown up, gt married & even bcome a mum... 2 dem u r jus a little baby waitin 2 b pampered...

jus show dem 1 example by tellin dem if they buy a fish & put it in a v small bowl... w restricted movements will it survive? tel dem nicely 2 let go of bein so protective over ur DS if nt u will nv learn 2 b a gd mum like ur mum... ask ur mum did ur grandma do those kind of things she did 2 u 2 her? if no den ask her nicely y is she bein so over protective? like dat hw will u ever learn 2 b a gd mum?

on the other hand jus endure their naggini & scoldins blah blah blah... it takes time 4 dem 2 accept dat u r actually a mummy... turn in2 a deaf ear when they start their blabblin... jus focuse ur att 2 ur DS & ignore dem

hope everything will turn out well 4 u s DS grow bigger... pray 2 God if u 1... ask God 2 gv dem wisdom on this kind of parentin issue & nt 2 b superstitious on everythin... ask dem 2 set gd eg 2 ur DS...

 

[chiro]

to those grandparents who know how to read mandarin, get them to read thursday edition of ???? my paper

This month is 'breastfeeding month' and there was an exclusive article on benefits of breasrfeeding... Flash the article whenever they start to nag you not to bf. Tell them World Health Organisation is for breastfeeding,millions of ppl are doing it and why shld not an individual like you continue to bf? Hehe

I face the same criticism from parents in law too.. But learn to shut my ears to prevent their words from hurting my spirit...treat their opinions like voices ..

Regarding buyin of things, continue buying .. Heck care.. The more they nag, the more i buy .. But i keep my mouth shut, dont agitate them enuff to start a war, quickly walk away before they start a war of nagging.. Respond with 'orh', 'ok', 'noted'

I know i very rebellious...

 

[Ashbaby]

Actually all parents treat their children no matter how old is their kids. My mother also have to sms to tell, pls dont squeeze train with pple during peak hours, buy bag for my HB when she saw my HB bag was torned.

But my mom know my character very well, so she will approach on a very soft manner.

 

[EnFlor]

Most important thing is to stick to your principles and stay firm to them. If you wanna pleased everybody, except yourself....well gotta endure all these heartaches then. I feel that it is ok to be hated sometimes as long as you know that you believed in what you are doing.

Voice out and state your reasons. STAY FIRM. Show to your mum that you are just as capable she is or at least show that you are willing to learn to be independent.

 

[meiteoh]

Regina, I'm sure your parents love you and treat you well. I know mine do. But like you, sometimes I wish they will just give me some space to grow and do things for myself. I have to keep reminding my mum that I'm not stupid, I cook as well as she does and I know what I'm doing because she'll always tell me what to do and all. Blardyhell, even packing also she'll be like "all the dry ingredients put in a box when you want to move". I have to actually tell her that I have moved many times on my own without her help before and that I know what I'm doing. Her excuse? "I'm just reminding you". When I tell her that I don't need reminders, she will give me that black face and my dad will scold me & ask me to keep quiet, don't fight with my mum and all that.

The thing is this - why do *I* and my hubby have to be the ones who must give in all the time? My parents can do no wrong, is it? They break my things, dirty the oven (which comes with the apartment) and yet can tell me that I cannot simply do anything with a rented home - but they contribute to the mess and on top of that, never apologize or help to clean up.

Most important thing is to stick to your principles and stay firm to them...

Voice out and state your reasons. STAY FIRM.

There were a few times in which my mum kept bugging me to go back to work upon our arrival in SG (we're moving to SG late August) and give my daugther to her to take care of in KL. In other words, give my 1 month old daugther to her and visit them on weekends. When I said no, she went "Everyone else is doing it. You have no choice" (this was when I was still pregnant, mind you) and in the next few lines, she can ask me why I'm angry at her. Blardyhell, you want to take my child away from me and you expect me to be all happy at/with you?

Later that day, I wrote a long email to her explaining why I said no (even my hubby agreed) and she didn't reply or called for a few days coz angry at me lor. The next time she called, she tried another tactic - asked me to go to KL first instead of SG, let my hubby do all the logistics (find apartment, etc) on his own, and then I go back when the baby is older. When I said no and it's more tiring for the baby to move twice and all, she tried to convince my hubby to send me to KL - she spent 30 minutes on the phone. After that, she tried to threaten me by saying that confinement should be 45 days, I should go to KL to finish up my confinement and all that. I refused to budge.

It was only much later that she told me that she was disappointed that I didn't want to send my daugther to KL for her to take care. I told her already, I want to BF my daugther exclusively for six months. How to let her take care when she's so far away and all that? My mum just diam diam.

Actually all parents treat their children no matter how old is their kids.

You know, I observe my hubby and his parents, and they don't treat him like he's a kid. They don't nag him, and they definitely don't meddle in his life. In fact, he can scold his parents and tell them off if they do anything wrong or if he disagrees with them. If I were to do that to my parents, I'm ungrateful, unfilial and all that crap.

For me, it seems that all freaking Asian parents have issues letting their children go. It's not overprotectiveness at work, and to me, all that care and concern is just another load of crock. IMHO, Asian parents need to control everything, including their children's lives.

Sometimes I wish my parents would wake up and see that what they are doing affects my relationship with my hubby. Because of their constant criticism, complaints and stuff, my hubby and I fought the other day. My mum even hinted that I should always put my parents above my hubby - she loves to bring up "we are your parents" - so it means that they come first and not my own family. WTH.

I find it really hard to go from being able to talk to them to just answering in one word answers like my brother. Every time I do that, I end up feeling guilty, as if I'm really unfilial and ungrateful. But what can I do?

 

[qingzi]

I think you should be straightforward with them, sit them down and tell them honestly how you feel. Let them know that while you want to learn from their parenting experiences, you are also mature enough to make your own decisions.

Nagging is one thing, but I think this is a bit too much as your parents are physically constricting your movement and your baby's learning environment.

Parents have to be educated just as much as their children. Yes, its is common for parents to always see their child as a "kid", which is why it is time to show them you are no longer one. Like anybody else, parents create a perception of us through our appearance, dressing, behaviour and the way we speak.

Perhaps you have been too "polite" with them. If you have let your mother have that much control over your own family, then perhaps I will not blame her for thinking you are still not ready to to take control or have a mind of your own. You have to learn how to stand your ground.

When you have the talk with them, speak firmly and present yourself confidently. Sound like you know what you are doing - they will suddenly realise that their little girl has grown up and become a mother herself.

Good luck.

 

[apollo]

hi mummies,

i did stand firm and at times i tend to explain to them why i choose to use certain method on my baby but sometimes my mum will say "aiya nowaday you youngsters think that ur know alot..." when i'm just following what pd taught me...

i can "ren" for lotsa thing but the only thing i'll flare up is when my mum keep 'persuading' me to stop bf-ing and tell me how good & healthy FM is, how lil my BM is.. i know she mean well,cause seeing me pumping milk and not getting enough rest but i seriously don't mind as long as ds can get to drink as much bm as i can give... When there's EBM, of cause I choose to feed ds the BM, but if i'm in the toilet, etc, my mum will make FM for ds and say it's faster... :embarrassed:

 

[meiteoh]

What about using your hubby, in-laws and doc as an excuse? That's what I do sometimes with my parents and with my hubby, in-laws + doc's support. It usually shuts my parents up and reminds them that I'm already married and as such, should keep my hubby and in-laws' feelings in mind as well.

 

[apollo]

What about using your hubby, in-laws and doc as an excuse? That's what I do sometimes with my parents and with my hubby, in-laws + doc's support. It usually shuts my parents up and reminds them that I'm already married and as such, should keep my hubby and in-laws' feelings in mind as well.

yup i always use them as excuses... esp pd... i always tellthem no matter what bm is the best whenever my mum told me that ds don't suit bm... i always told her no babies will get allergy to bm cause that's the most naturally milk then she will keep quiet.... haha... my in-laws are v supportive towards bf-ing so that side is consider 'safe' haha..

 

[jal]

I think it's chinese mentality for parents to 'criticise' their kids. Apparently, it's their way of showing us that they care

From young my parents know that I dont take such criticism from them & I'll scream my head off at them. So they've learnt to just keep their comments to themselves & only say it if it is really important. & I've learnt to listen to them better because they only open their mouth when it's important. I used to tell my dad that he nags so much his voice becomes background noise & even when he tells me something important, I won't be listening.

My aunts/uncles still criticise my cousins who have sec sch age children. & my cousins have learnt to laugh it off. I recall one of my cousins who will retort "I'm already a mother of 3, what makes you think I'm still a kid?".

Learn to ignore & take their voices as background noise. They'll soon learn to shut up.

LOL!!! :tlaugh:

 

[Ting]

understand how u feel.
my parents also control certain things over pin.
like, i say i wan to bring her to certain places, they will say better not, dangerous, etc, so end up i wont.
but they stil let me bring pin out n do everthing for her.

i think your parents r more like possessive??
but if u r still living with them n all, its really very difficult to hv control of your own life.
for me, im also like tt.
maybe u n ya hubby wanna move out? or to your in laws?
to show your parents tt u both r independent enough to take care of yourself n your DS.

 

[apollo]

understand how you feel.
my parents also control certain things over pin.
like, i say i want to bring her to certain places, they will say better not, dangerous, etc, so end up i wont.
but they stil let me bring pin out and do everthing for her.

i think your parents are more like possessive??
but if you are still living with them and all, its really very difficult to have control of your own life.
for me, im also like that.
maybe you and ya hubby wanna move out? or to your in laws?
to show your parents that you both are independent enough to take care of yourself and your dear son.

we're waiting for our flat, need ard 2-3 years time.. in-laws' house? i rather not... if my parents 'control' me, at least i can talk back but if in laws 'control' i cannot do anything... haha...

my mum is so protective until my CL said "i doubt you can leave alone outside cause your mum is too protective over you" :shyxxx:

 

[jal]

we're waiting for our flat, need around 2-3 years time.. in-laws' house? i rather not... if my parents 'control' me, at least i can talk back but if in laws 'control' i cannot do anything... haha...

my mum is so protective until my CL said "i doubt you can leave alone outside cause your mum is too protective over you" :shyxxx:

Where is your new flat???