Power struggle with MIL

[Goldiemum]

Hi, I know in laws problems are endless. I just need to have an outlet to vent my frustration or perhaps mummies out there can give me some advice.

Staying with in laws had so far been ok till the baby arrives. Conflicts do arise but we give and take. Issue is I feel that I have little time with my child especially now that I am back to work. mother in law helps to take care during the day which I am very grateful and I appreciates her help. However, when I am home at night or during weekends, she will still be around playing with my baby. I dont't seem to have that 'alone' time to bond with my baby. She already spent 80% of the time with him alone and I only have that 2-3 hours with him before he goes to bed everyday. Similarly for weekends. She is always there to look at him, talk to him when I play with him and baby will be distracted away from me. I can't seem to be able to 'take care' of my baby the way I would like to without interference or comments from my in laws. I try to hide in the room with my baby alone. However, he tends to feel frustrated after some time in the room and cry to go outside and see things and my in laws will come and carry him away thinking that I do not have the ability to coax him.

I know there are pros and cons to staying with in laws. Household chores are taken care of most of the time. However, I still envy those couples that do not stay with their in laws when you can have your 'baby' time alone at night and after putting baby to bed still able to enjoy some 'couple' time alone. I have difficulty balancing this with in laws staying together. Any mummies out there can share their experiences with me?

As what some people say, mother in law is jealous of the daughter in law for 'snatching' their son away whereas daughter in law is jealous of mother in law for 'snatching' their child away. What an irony. :embarrassed:

 

[Ting]

bring your baby out on weekends instead.
like back to your mum's place.

 

[diymummy]

Can also go for evening strolls? That can be your 'alone' time with your son. Evening strolls while the mil cooks the dinner.

 

[wenz]

yes i will suggest time away from home and ur in-laws during weekends...
like wat Ting mention, go back to ur mum's place or bring baby out for stroll etc to bond with your baby...

bathe ur baby during ur off days.. sing and talk to him and slowly when he grows he will wants u...

 

[Ting]

yeah ultimately, u r the mummy.there was a pt of time where pin wasnt close to me. cos i kept gg out n also working late. she prefer my parents over me. but now i make every effort to get close to her. n we're good now.. but of cos, gd thing is my parents wont snatch her with me lahh....

 

[p00h84]

me also staying with my in-laws until my flat is ready. right now i also preggy going to deliver soon. but i've made sort of agreement on the arrangement of how and who's going to take care of bb while the both of us nt ard..

Well, my MIL won't be taking care of my bb too much, coz i'll be bringing him over to my mum's place when both hubby n me nt ard (due to my hubby on shift work and me 9-5 work), as my FIL is a smoker and nt good for bb too.. maybe u can try it that way, provided that your mum stay near to you.. well, for my case, my mum stay near me, so it's alright to do a bit of rotating job here and furthermore, my MIL old liao.. and dun think she can looking after my bb for long time.. occassionally a break for her is good..

Anyway, like what other mummies say.. u can bring bb out during weekends so that your MIL can't tag along.. like that still can bond with bb.. but it takes time...

 

[Triquetra]

Currently dd is in PIL's room with the tv on super loud, I wanna carry her back but I am quite sure they will be offended.

Furthermore, MIL and FIL are speaking hokkien very loudly as well and I really dont wish to expose dd to dialect yet -.-

I am stucked in my room feeling frustrated and worried. Didn't want my mil to carry dd away in the first place but she insisted.

Sigh...

 

[p00h84]

Currently dear daughter is in parent in law's room with the tv on super loud, I wanna carry her back but I am quite sure they will be offended.

Furthermore, mother in law and father in law are speaking hokkien very loudly as well and I really dont wish to expose dear daughter to dialect yet -.-

I am stucked in my room feeling frustrated and worried. Didn't want my mother in law to carry dear daughter away in the first place but she insisted.

Sigh...

haiz.. staying with in-laws is like that de lah.. flat nt under your name what can u do right.. juz keep quiet and endure.. might sound offensive to you but this is the fact.. coz staying with them got to play by their rules.. :embarrassed:

by the way, u getting new flat? if it is juz endure and count down for the day u get the hse keys.. ancing_tongue:

Me also now waiting for my keys to come.. mine will be ready in 2012.. such a long wait.. :wong16:

 

[Goldiemum]

Can also go for evening strolls? That can be your 'alone' time with your son. Evening strolls while the mother in law cooks the dinner.

My MIL likes to go for evening strolls after dinner which is usually already prepared when I reach home. She will always ask like 'Hey Baby want to go stroll with Ah Ma?' If I am to bring him alone I think it will 'offend' my MIL but with Ah Ma, it defeats the purpose. So I always pray to myself hoping that Baby is napping at the moment so she will not bring him out on her strolls then I can have some time alone with him.

 

[Goldiemum]

bring your baby out on weekends instead.
like back to your mum's place.

Problem with my mum's place is my sis keeps quite a number of dogs....haiz.. that's why I have this emotional imbalance that I don't have enough time with my son let alone 'quality' time.

 

[PinkDiamonds]

I believe the reason why your son feels frustrated if you try to be in the room alone with him is because he is very used to your MIL. Thus he sees your MIL as the primary caregiver.

I think that you deserve to spend time with YOUR son! Like some mummies here have mentioned, if you can't spend time alone with him at home, then bring him out on walks.

It is very upsetting if you can't even spend the precious few hours with your child ALONE!

 

[Goldiemum]

sigh.. staying with in-laws is like that .. flat not under your name what can you do right.. just keep quiet and endure.. might sound offensive to you but this is the fact.. coz staying with them got to play by their rules.. :embarrassed:

by the way, you getting new flat? if it is just endure and count down for the day you get the house keys.. ancing_tongue:

Me also now waiting for my keys to come.. mine will be ready in 2012.. such a long wait.. :wong16:

The flat is under my husband and my name but being the only son and financially is not feasible to stay separately. haiz..

 

[pkshl]

Currently dear daughter is in parent in law's room with the tv on super loud, I wanna carry her back but I am quite sure they will be offended.

Furthermore, mother in law and father in law are speaking hokkien very loudly as well and I really dont wish to expose dear daughter to dialect yet -.-

I am stucked in my room feeling frustrated and worried. Didn't want my mother in law to carry dear daughter away in the first place but she insisted.

Sigh...

i koe how u feel. currently my ds is taken care of by my mother-inlaw. she n FIL speaks hokkien & chinese at home, worst, talk loudly too. we dont stay together but every morning my hb will bring my ds up to her place & we will bring him home every night. last week when i went to bring ds home, i saw tat my ds is sitting on a high chair with cushions & watching tv, mind u, the tv is on so loud & he is so near the tv. i was in shocked, but i did not say them. when i went home, i highlight to my hb, he said he will let his mum know.

 

[apollo]

what's wrong with mother in law nowadays? all become bian tai alrdy? seems lik majority of mother in law like to snatch babies from their daughter in law.. seems lik they have forgotten they were once other's daughter in law too...

 

[lumpy]

Problem with my mum's place is my sis keeps quite a number of dogs....sigh.. that's why I have this emotional imbalance that I dont't have enough time with my son let alone 'quality' time.

too many dogs...hmz pardon my bluntness...issist coz you are afraid that it'll be of too much work for your mum or healthwise for your baby that you are not open to letting your mum care for your baby..?? if itz e latter...i believe it won't be an issue (assuming your baby is not allergic to fur, no asthma and that e dogs are kept clean)...

my 20 month old son "grew" up together w my dog...althou their interaction is only over e wkends at my mum's place...i noticed that my son rarely falls sick (only twice and recovered within a week and even when we adults are sick and he interacts w us..he's not affected at all)...also he tends to be very socialble and greets everyone and anyone walking on e street...!! not only that..i noticed my son and my dog have a special bond with each other...they tend to look out for each other as well....e bond is so special to e extent that even after 3wks of my dog's death...my son still 'shares' his food (by pinching a portion and dropping it onto e floor for my dog) with my dog...and still goes searching for my dog under e bed and in his house wanting to play with him.....on e day my dog died...my son even insisted on going into e room to sayang him..!!! which we allowed him to do so....it was very sweet and touching to see that my son had as much love as i had for my dog....

sorry for e long post...just wanted to share...

 

[lumpy]

just to add on...

i'm a full time working mum, currently staying with my PILs who are my son's primary caregiver...like you i was also afraid that my son wld not be close to me...started e full time wkend parenting regime where we wld bring dear son out even if itz to e nearby shopping centre did not last long as e want of having personal time and dating time got in e way...but i can tell you that no matter e time spent w your bbs...itz e quality spent together that matters...bbs are very smart...they know who's their mummy and daddy and will eventually still be close to you....

now my son is super sticky to me...especially when he noes i'm around...i can't even leave him with my mother in law/hubby or maid to go to e toilet to pee..!!

IMHO...daddy has to be involved in e bonding as well...and also he has to let his mum know that he wishes to bond with his child...itz difficult but try to talk to your hubby about it...keeping it to yourself does not help make matters better...

hope things work out for you and your family...

 

[chiro]

they want to be good sons. No guts to speak up

yeah, how come husbands are not part of the solution? where are they?

 

[snowbear]

Poor Goldiemum.. *pat pat, hugz*

I dun stay with my mil but i also have conflicts with her ever since my dd was born. I totally understand your plight even though i'm a sahm and am taking care of my dd myself full-time.

All I can say is that you may wanna bring your child out on wkends. Some hours away from your mil is better than nothing. Btw I dun think dogs are a real problem. A lot of mummies here also have dogs and their dogs co-exist very well with the children with no health problems so i think it's possible for you to bring your bb to your mum's plc. Most imptly, rem that you're the mummy and no one can take your son away from you. If it really bothers you, talk to your hubby and work something out so that you can get your time alone with your bb. Hope things will get better for you!

 

[p00h84]

The flat is under my husband and my name but being the only son and financially is not feasible to stay separately. sigh..

hmmz.. then u got to really try n find time to bond with your bb.. but like all mummies say.. bb will eventually know u are his mummy so nt to worry.. juz make sure that u spend enough quality time can liao..

last time m y hubby's name also inside the flat but nt mine.. then i voice out to him (after married) that i wan to have a place of my own.. then we begin on journey to search for flat de.. my hubby also only son, thus he sometimes v.defensive if i say something abt his mum, but what to do.. dun wish to quarrel with him so i bo chap lor..

n my relationship with my MIL is like "hi n bye".. reach home liao greet, then after that hide in my room.. in the past still will go to study room n play my desktop.. now won't liao.. coz my FIL smoking.. haiz.. me preggy.. dun wan to expose too much 2nd hand smoke.. so i stay in the room till i fell asleep lor.. then my hubby on night shift, i moved back to my mum's hse n slp.. then now he ICT, i moved back to my mum's place for 3 weeks, in fact, i'm still staying here now.. ancing_tongue:ancing_tongue:

 

[diymummy]

what's wrong with mother in law nowadays? all become bian tai alrdy? seems lik majority of mother in law like to snatch babies from their daughter in law.. seems lik they have forgotten they were once other's daughter in law too...

They were other people's daughter in law before so now they want to torture their own. Haha...