Should i let my son acknowledge biological father?

[shi_san_yee]

i put this post up at another place on this forum, but i think here more appropriate...

anyway,
I got pregnant and I didn't marry my son's father due to character clash. When we called off the wedding, he told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me and baby and that i could jolly well abort him; i was damn happy to hear that, but regret not getting it jotted down legally. So i went through the pregnancy on my own, paying for everything myself. when my son was born his sis in law was the fire starter, she saw my facebook pictures, and asked me how the baby was, how was the birth... i only answered out of courtesy. Then that man started to contact me, saying that it is fate that he knows about the birth, and he demanded to see the baby once. To stop the guilt trip my (traditional) mum was giving me, i caved in.

After that visit, i was very uncomfortable, and stopped letting him visit, to which, he pestered me to come out to talk. During the talk, he questioned my intentions of allowing him to see the boy the first time. Actually he accused me of using my son to make him woo me back, and rekindle the relationship. Then he started to cry saying his parents want to see their only grandchild, and told me i'm in no position to decide for my son if he should be allowed to see his father, and that he doesn't mind being "god pa" or "papa". Anyway, to shut his gap, i told him i will try to take my boy out to meet him when i am free.

During one of the meetings, he shoved money into my diaper bag before leaving. I returned it to him the next time, as a precaution so that in the event that he fights legally, he cannot say he has supported the boy. When he or his folks bring gifts during our meetings, i will accept them (but not necessarily use them) just dont't wanna be rude.

If i had my way, i'll stop the visits totally, crossing my fingers that he won't fight a law suit with me for visitation rights, which is the main reason for letting him see the boy on my terms; so he doesn't go fight legally.

the next time i meet up with him (and most likely his mum), i'll try to refer to him as 'uncle' see what his reaction is, sure give black face. and his mum always carries him out of my sight, then say "nai nai dai ni zou zou". i hate that! both the 'nai nai' and walking out of my sight. i show my displeasure she still does it, and also snatch my son's biscuit away just to see his reaction... cry la, what other reaction she want?? none of them were there throughout my pregnancy, and now coz first and only grandson so must snatch. BTH. now i'm just trying to be nice by meeting up, i feel they're asking for more.

Now, my son is beginning to recognise people and eventually, learn to greet people. Last time that man told me he doesn't mind my son to call him "papa" , "daddy" or "godpa"? (I'm cringing as i type this) I know he already refers to himself as "papa" and it feels damn sick hearing it. anyone same position as me? what does your child refer to the father as? I'm really very bothered about this, as my son is growing by the day and soon he'll learn to talk, i need to establish this fast.

suggestions, opinions?

 

[Harper]

Maybe he thought you aborted the child when both of you broke up? From your observation, do you think he will be a good father to your child? And it appears that his family really dote on your child and I think these are important factors.

 

[Alfredyang]

Hi, u have to ask yourself a few questions first.

1: Do u still have feeling for him?

2: If yes do u think there is a chance for u to get back together with him?

3: Do u think he really loves your child?

4: Can he be a responsible father?

In my point of view, if u dun have any feelings for him and if u wish to move on with life, dun let your child acknowledge him. I know it may be selfish but in the first place he was the one who told u to abort the child and dun want anything to do with the child. He has no regard for life. Take for example my 2 girls 6mths and 3 yrs old, I told them that mum died when she walked out of us about 3 weeks ago. Till now they have no problem living without mum even though they knew mum exist. U Just have to do your best in taking good care of your child. U also have no obligation to let him and his family to see your child. Make a clean cut. Be strong. There r a lot of single parents like u and I. Our main priority is our kids.

 

[shi_san_yee]

Hi, u have to ask yourself a few questions first.

1: Do u still have feeling for him?

2: If yes do u think there is a chance for u to get back together with him?

3: Do u think he really loves your child?

4: Can he be a responsible father?

In my point of view, if u dun have any feelings for him and if u wish to move on with life, dun let your child acknowledge him. I know it may be selfish but in the first place he was the one who told u to abort the child and dun want anything to do with the child. He has no regard for life. Take for example my 2 girls 6mths and 3 yrs old, I told them that mum died when she walked out of us about 3 weeks ago. Till now they have no problem living without mum even though they knew mum exist. U Just have to do your best in taking good care of your child. U also have no obligation to let him and his family to see your child. Make a clean cut. Be strong. There r a lot of single parents like u and I. Our main priority is our kids.

First of all, there is no way we can get together again and I made that clear to him when he accused me of allowing him to see my son so he will woo me back. I think he might love my son or probably because my son is their family's first and only grandchild; but I can't say for sure coz he might be all over the boy coz he's a baby and all babies are cute, so I don't know if once the boy grows up and if he's naughty, will he tolerate that and love him regardless. I think he has the capabilities of being a responsible father only based on his financial status; but I can't speak for his emotional and psychological readiness. We did try to force ourselves to marry, and that didn't work out, so he told me no wedding, no baby.

I want to make a clean cut of contact from them but his SIL had to start the ball rolling and I'm caught in the situation now that there is no stopping him after he saw my son. Now, my only solution which could be foolproof is to take my son overseas and 2 of us live there. He told me before that if I were to marry someone, he will stop seeing my son; I think he will make my life a living hell instead of letting my boy follow another man's surname. I told him his name is not in the bc, so he's no more than a sperm donor. He got really pissed.

It has been abt a month since we last met, he did request for me to bring my son to his place to see his relatives for CNY, I ignored that. Now I'm just waiting to see when he'll start pestering me and probably getting me out to trash things out AGAIN and I hate that.

You wife, is she walking out permanently? Doesn't she come back to see the girls? If she doesn't, then something is truly wrong with her or her situation, whatever it is. But if you haven't divorced, and u want to, then wouldn't u be seeing her again?

 

[Alfredyang]

First of all, there is no way we can get together again and I made that clear to him when he accused me of allowing him to see my son so he will woo me back. I think he might love my son or probably because my son is their family's first and only grandchild; but I can't say for sure coz he might be all over the boy coz he's a baby and all babies are cute, so I don't know if once the boy grows up and if he's naughty, will he tolerate that and love him regardless. I think he has the capabilities of being a responsible father only based on his financial status; but I can't speak for his emotional and psychological readiness. We did try to force ourselves to marry, and that didn't work out, so he told me no wedding, no baby.

I want to make a clean cut of contact from them but his SIL had to start the ball rolling and I'm caught in the situation now that there is no stopping him after he saw my son. Now, my only solution which could be foolproof is to take my son overseas and 2 of us live there. He told me before that if I were to marry someone, he will stop seeing my son; I think he will make my life a living hell instead of letting my boy follow another man's surname. I told him his name is not in the bc, so he's no more than a sperm donor. He got really pissed.

It has been abt a month since we last met, he did request for me to bring my son to his place to see his relatives for CNY, I ignored that. Now I'm just waiting to see when he'll start pestering me and probably getting me out to trash things out AGAIN and I hate that.

You wife, is she walking out permanently? Doesn't she come back to see the girls? If she doesn't, then something is truly wrong with her or her situation, whatever it is. But if you haven't divorced, and u want to, then wouldn't u be seeing her again?

Since his surname is not in the BC it should be easier to deal with. U just have to be determine enough not to agree on any meetings with him or let him see your child. It is not necessary to move overseas. over time I believe he will give up after so many failed attempt. There is no need to trash things out since your child does not bear his surname. Being a responsible father does not mean whether he has the financial means or not. What a child needs most is love and the amount of time spending and playing with him. like my 3 yr old girl, I may not have the financial means to buy expensive toys for her but during these 3 weeks life without mum, I have been spending a lot of time with her and when we go out I always sling her although she is getting heavier. Now she is like a super glue always sticking with me, asking me to carry her after i have rocked my 6mths old girls to sleep. As I am typing this on my bed, she is lying on my chest still awake waiting for me to sleep with her. This is the kind of feeling I dun know how to describe but I love it. Your child will eventually appreciate what u have done for him.

Me and the girls' mum r not married. I found out recently she has a guy outside already and I believe she is happily enjoying herself outside. I already told her on facebook that I am not going to let her see the girls again. I love her but I can't accept her back. I dun want an irresponsible mum for my girls. Now the girls r still young so its easy to let them forget. If I ask her back who knows one day in future she might abandon us again. I know her, she will.

 

[shi_san_yee]

Since his surname is not in the BC it should be easier to deal with. you just have to be determine enough not to agree on any meetings with him or let him see your child. It is not necessary to move overseas. over time I believe he will give up after so many failed attempt. There is no need to trash things out since your child does not bear his surname. Being a responsible father does not mean whether he has the financial means or not. What a child needs most is love and the amount of time spending and playing with him. like my 3 yr old girl, I may not have the financial means to buy expensive toys for her but during these 3 weeks life without mum, I have been spending a lot of time with her and when we go out I always sling her although she is getting heavier. Now she is like a super glue always sticking with me, asking me to carry her after i have rocked my 6mths old girls to sleep. As I am typing this on my bed, she is lying on my chest still awake waiting for me to sleep with her. This is the kind of feeling I dont know how to describe but I love it. Your child will eventually appreciate what you have done for him.

Me and the girls' mum r not married. I found out recently she has a guy outside already and I believe she is happily enjoying herself outside. I already told her on facebook that I am not going to let her see the girls again. I love her but I can't accept her back. I dont want an irresponsible mum for my girls. Now the girls r still young so its easy to let them forget. If I ask her back who knows one day in future she might abandon us again. I know her, she will.

Wow I admire what you are doing for your girls!! Not many men will be willing to take up the responsibility abandoned by the mother. As for your ex, she is best never to see the girls again, really not fit to be called a mother! And your girls are better off forgetting someone who can give birth to them but leave them at such a young age; or any age at all!! But if one day she decides to have them back, how? Usually the mother wins the case unless it can be proven that she's unable to give them a proper environment to grow and live in.

The main reason me and my ex broke up was his temper and how I had enough of tolerating it. He knows he has an issue, but he expects me to live with it and is not willing to make an effort to try to change; not even for his work/family. He doesn't hit me, but the mental torture of dealing with his anger issues is a challenge I decided to stop dealing with. This is why I fear whenever he wants me to come out to trash things out over my son, so most of the time I give in to his demands to see the boy. I agree there is no obligation on my part, but with my mum giving me mental torture that I MUST let my son see his father, I gave in and now there seems to be no end; she made me feel like the devil bullying an innocent child. Now, she's starting to see my point, but what's done is done and that guy expects things done to his requests. I want to be firm and assertive but I always end up being pushed over just to avoid another confrontation and he even cries and it gets very straining dealing with that. That's why I resigned to the fact that I have to take the boy to see him, just that I'm pretty sure I won't allow my son to call him papa or daddy, no way!

I know what you mean by spending alot of time with the child, I work most of the day but I come home halfway through twice a day to spend time and feed him and put him to bed, and I'm loving it watching him grow, yes, the feeling cannot be described.

 

[Alfredyang]

Wow I admire what you are doing for your girls!! Not many men will be willing to take up the responsibility abandoned by the mother. As for your ex, she is best never to see the girls again, really not fit to be called a mother! And your girls are better off forgetting someone who can give birth to them but leave them at such a young age; or any age at all!! But if one day she decides to have them back, how? Usually the mother wins the case unless it can be proven that she's unable to give them a proper environment to grow and live in.

The main reason me and my ex broke up was his temper and how I had enough of tolerating it. He knows he has an issue, but he expects me to live with it and is not willing to make an effort to try to change; not even for his work/family. He doesn't hit me, but the mental torture of dealing with his anger issues is a challenge I decided to stop dealing with. This is why I fear whenever he wants me to come out to trash things out over my son, so most of the time I give in to his demands to see the boy. I agree there is no obligation on my part, but with my mum giving me mental torture that I MUST let my son see his father, I gave in and now there seems to be no end; she made me feel like the devil bullying an innocent child. Now, she's starting to see my point, but what's done is done and that guy expects things done to his requests. I want to be firm and assertive but I always end up being pushed over just to avoid another confrontation and he even cries and it gets very straining dealing with that. That's why I resigned to the fact that I have to take the boy to see him, just that I'm pretty sure I won't allow my son to call him papa or daddy, no way!

I know what you mean by spending alot of time with the child, I work most of the day but I come home halfway through twice a day to spend time and feed him and put him to bed, and I'm loving it watching him grow, yes, the feeling cannot be described.

If there is a need to go to court I will fight with her at all cost. Anyway I got many witness to prove that she abandoned the girls in the first place.

I think u have to talk things out with your mum. Let her understand the situation. Let her know that sometimes it might not be a good thing to have both parents for a child. It may create problems if one day your child has to choose between mum and dad. U need your mum's support. U need to cut off all contacts with him. Just remember that it might not be a bad thing for a child not to have the other parent.

 

[shi_san_yee]

If there is a need to go to court I will fight with her at all cost. Anyway I got many witness to prove that she abandoned the girls in the first place.

I think u have to talk things out with your mum. Let her understand the situation. Let her know that sometimes it might not be a good thing to have both parents for a child. It may create problems if one day your child has to choose between mum and dad. U need your mum's support. U need to cut off all contacts with him. Just remember that it might not be a bad thing for a child not to have the other parent.

yup, my mum is finally seeing it that I can do a good enough job without a husband driving me mad, except she keeps saying that my son will question about his father when he's older etc. I'm already trying my best, I really want the best for my son, and I'm putting in whatever time and effort, to play the role of father and mother. It's so frustrating when relatives and some 'friends' tell me how selfish I am, that I should just marry him, tolerate him and give my son a complete home. I'm glad so many of them are concerned over his emotional growth, I just hope they can spare me. They even tell me if I ever marry someone else and have more children then I'm being selfish and not fit to be his mum.

My brother is married, has a daughter, and both his wife leaves my niece her so that we can do the parenting for them. My niece is ill-behaved, disrespectful and hits and bites her classmates; IF she FEELS LIKES going to school. So, having a 'complete' family doesn't mean better parenting; probably just means more $ to spoil the child.

 

[Alfredyang]

yup, my mum is finally seeing it that I can do a good enough job without a husband driving me mad, except she keeps saying that my son will question about his father when he's older etc. I'm already trying my best, I really want the best for my son, and I'm putting in whatever time and effort, to play the role of father and mother. It's so frustrating when relatives and some 'friends' tell me how selfish I am, that I should just marry him, tolerate him and give my son a complete home. I'm glad so many of them are concerned over his emotional growth, I just hope they can spare me. They even tell me if I ever marry someone else and have more children then I'm being selfish and not fit to be his mum.

My brother is married, has a daughter, and both his wife leaves my niece her so that we can do the parenting for them. My niece is ill-behaved, disrespectful and hits and bites her classmates; IF she FEELS LIKES going to school. So, having a 'complete' family doesn't mean better parenting; probably just means more $ to spoil the child.

Marrying him might give your son a complete home physically but in fact its going to be a mental torture for both u and your child when both parents quarrel or when he is not in a good mood. Who knows he might even vent his anger on your child. Doesn't mean that in future if ever u do marry and have more kids u will be a bad mum. NOBODY is qualified to judge whether in future u r going to be a good mum or a bad one except yourself. Dun be too bothered by what others say. I totally agree that having a complete family doesn't mean better parenting. I believe in 'spare the rod and u spoil the kids'. Kids need a balance love and discipline.

 

[shi_san_yee]

Marrying him might give your son a complete home physically but in fact its going to be a mental torture for both u and your child when both parents quarrel or when he is not in a good mood. Who knows he might even vent his anger on your child. Doesn't mean that in future if ever u do marry and have more kids u will be a bad mum. NOBODY is qualified to judge whether in future u r going to be a good mum or a bad one except yourself. Dun be too bothered by what others say. I totally agree that having a complete family doesn't mean better parenting. I believe in 'spare the rod and u spoil the kids'. Kids need a balance love and discipline.

Exactly, imagine being together for the sake of status and 'face' issue then having to face a person i'd rather not live with is a torture. I'll probably end up in a divorce anyway. BUT, I do not know why, and if someone can enlighten me; is so much more pressure put on unwed single mums as compared to divorced single mums or married mums? What I mean by this is that; I'm under the watchful eye of these relatives who are waiting for me to fail as a mum. They deem that I'm not capable of earning a living for my son and myself, while being able to be there to watch him grow and take care of him. Of course, I need my mum's help to care for my son, but which working mother can stay home to watch over the kids all the time (unless they are full time mums). I see complete families with parents too busy at work and kids are left with domestic helpers their entire waking hours. The only difference is, when that happens to a single unwed mum, bystanders tend to judge and say we're not capable of being a mum and the child would be better off adopted. But that same kind of upbringing in a 'complete home' and people will just say the parents are just busy trying to make life better for the kids.

I'm not trying to get brownie points or sympathy from anybody; I do not need to be pitied nor criticised. I just feel that single mums (or dad in your case) could be fairly treated and seen as normal parents, instead of being under the magnifying glass of the critical kaypos. I have a friend who goes out partying/meeting friends on friday and saturday nights with her husband and leave their son with the nanny. People call that pak tor time. I have to work on friday and saturday nights, and i leave my son at home with my parents; these people say i deserve it. And if i do join my friends on meet-ups sometimes, they say i am not responsible, only care to meet my friends, don't care about my son. It's not about being objective; it's about finding fault with single mums. Basically these people just wanna find fault with us simply because they have already stereotyped us as having less than proper morals; lousy parenting skills; absolute failures in life. And the latest is when i discipline my son, the same people say I'm abusing him because I am angry at my life and taking it out on him....

 

[Alfredyang]

Exactly, imagine being together for the sake of status and 'face' issue then having to face a person i'd rather not live with is a torture. I'll probably end up in a divorce anyway. BUT, I do not know why, and if someone can enlighten me; is so much more pressure put on unwed single mums as compared to divorced single mums or married mums? What I mean by this is that; I'm under the watchful eye of these relatives who are waiting for me to fail as a mum. They deem that I'm not capable of earning a living for my son and myself, while being able to be there to watch him grow and take care of him. Of course, I need my mum's help to care for my son, but which working mother can stay home to watch over the kids all the time (unless they are full time mums). I see complete families with parents too busy at work and kids are left with domestic helpers their entire waking hours. The only difference is, when that happens to a single unwed mum, bystanders tend to judge and say we're not capable of being a mum and the child would be better off adopted. But that same kind of upbringing in a 'complete home' and people will just say the parents are just busy trying to make life better for the kids.

I'm not trying to get brownie points or sympathy from anybody; I do not need to be pitied nor criticised. I just feel that single mums (or dad in your case) could be fairly treated and seen as normal parents, instead of being under the magnifying glass of the critical kaypos. I have a friend who goes out partying/meeting friends on friday and saturday nights with her husband and leave their son with the nanny. People call that pak tor time. I have to work on friday and saturday nights, and i leave my son at home with my parents; these people say i deserve it. And if i do join my friends on meet-ups sometimes, they say i am not responsible, only care to meet my friends, don't care about my son. It's not about being objective; it's about finding fault with single mums. Basically these people just wanna find fault with us simply because they have already stereotyped us as having less than proper morals; lousy parenting skills; absolute failures in life. And the latest is when i discipline my son, the same people say I'm abusing him because I am angry at my life and taking it out on him....

Don't get too bothered by how people view us. I too attract a lot of stares whenever I bring my girls out with me slinging my 3yr old (her name is Emma) and pushing the pram with my 6mths old in it (her name is Glenna). Sometimes strangers would walk up and try to play with Glenna seeing her so cute and after that they will ask where is the mother. I got so irritated that I said she died and I walked off. I mean why are people so accustomed to seeing both parents bringing their kids out? Yes people do think that we as single parents can't do a good job in upbringing our kids. But I don't get too bothered by them as I know that I am doing a good job playing the role of both dad and mum to my kids. I have friends who are married with kids but flirts outside with the opposite sex instead of going home to spend time with their kids. Is that having proper moral? And what about those who work and leave the kids with the maid? I know of someone whose kids are more attached to the maid than to the parents. I pity these friends as they are missing out on the growing process of their kids which will be gone at the blink of the eyes. Nothing is more important than spending precious time with our kids even if it means only a few hours left after returning home from work. I dare to say that we as single parents do a better job in upbringing our kids than those with both parents. So who are the failures?

For disciplining, if they can't differentiate what is discipline and abusing then they are not fit to be parents themselves if they are. Discipline plays a very important role in upbringing children. For me I started to scold and cane (light caning) Emma when she was 1. Now I don't even need the cane anymore. For example, I can leave her alone when I go to the bathroom. She knows what are the things that she is not allowed to touch. My laptop is within her reach yet she did not even once tried to touch it. She is considered better behaved than her peers her age. She even help me do some minor house chores like folding her own clothes, helping me to pull out the wet tissue piece by piece from the package when I am changing diaper for Glenna. I don't wish to cane my children when they start going to school. By then they might turn rebellious. Its good to start at a young age and set the foundation right.

 

[happymummyo7]

Cant blame pple for their stereotypes. Many young single mummies gave birth to lil ones, dumped aside n continue their own life. Have to learn to accept those...

Most imptly. Do what u think is right. Initially, i was very easily affected by people's comments n remarks. When pple tells me im not a gd mummy cos of my way of upbringing. When pple tell me my son will be very ke lian cos of this n that. Esp when my mama tell me i very heartless n dont love my son when i 'shoot' him. I will shoot his hand (not very hard cos i se bu de la, but still got the impact), when he doesnt listen etc. I didnt have to cos initially he is 'afraid' of me when i m serious, till one day my very smart mama go tell him 'mameh is bad everytime scold u, come hit mameh'. One time two time n he is no scare of me anymore. So really bo bian, gotta shoot. But i dont shoot over every lil thing. Only serious thing like throw tantrum or touch dangerous things when i told him not to.
I know its very frustrating n it does hurt when pple make such remarks. One friend told me, 'y r u so bothered? U dont have to prove or explain anything to them. Just do what u think is right. They r no one to tell u if uve done right. As yr kid grows, he will show u of u r right.' this wakes me up n i learn to throw pple's comments far far away. I do things my way teach my son my way. My mama can niam n niam i very zek ark when i shoot my boy. Thats the hardest one la. Cos she's my mum n she says it cos she loves my boy. Have to keep brainwash her. Now getting better. If i piak my boy n he cries, she will yang him n tell him its cos he's naughty.

My point is, nobody owes us anything. We dont have to expect them to show abit of understanding. We deserve it cos we chose this path. For passerby, they r nothing in our life. Their comments or anything else shdnt affect us at all. For friends, true friends who understand u knows y u do certain things. U dont have to explain. Those who push u down with words, seriously, do u need such friends? N for family, always rmb its cos they love u. N they care. Im talking bout yr own parents siblings. Relatives put aside la. All u can do is let time do its work. Do yr part. N let yr actions prove yr words. Pple always say action speaks louder than words right?

My mama was supportive of me being single mum. Papa more traditional. Keep hinting i shd abort. I even went to the polyclinic but broke down cry like mad once i hear the heartbeat. Mama called papa n let him hear my cries. N he know i m having my way already.
Was naive n stupid. Thinking that all newborn does is eat n sleep. When terrorist came out it was hell for first two mths. I didnt have any confinement lady. N i had to learn from scratch. With the stupid wound below. He doesnt eat n sleep. He cry all day n night. Screming his lungs out like he really hates me. The only time i cld carry him n not have him crying was during feed. I nearly had depression. Bang head against the wall. Shout at him in the middle of the night. Others baby r so easy to look after. Like sleeping all day long. I donno y mine is so difficult. Was desperately deprive of sleep.
Slowly i learn. How to control my temper n emotions. How to put him in priority. How to think im his shoes. Tried understanding his thinking. N it works. As day passes, i cld c improvement. He no longer hates me. N was slowly falling for me.
His first smile at me, his first showing he wants me. Every lil thing he does that tells me he loves me.
All these r like him encouraging me, telling me i have done right.
N i no longer bother abt anything else. He is like my result sheet after the exam. N im like studied so hard for it. Seeing him now makes me feel like everything is worth it.

Ask alfred. I think those who know me before my pregnancy wont expect me to change so much ba. Haha.

Shisanyee jiayou!!!

 

[shi_san_yee]

Don't get too bothered by how people view us. I too attract a lot of stares whenever I bring my girls out with me slinging my 3yr old (her name is Emma) and pushing the pram with my 6mths old in it (her name is Glenna). Sometimes strangers would walk up and try to play with Glenna seeing her so cute and after that they will ask where is the mother. I got so irritated that I said she died and I walked off. I mean why are people so accustomed to seeing both parents bringing their kids out? Yes people do think that we as single parents can't do a good job in upbringing our kids. But I don't get too bothered by them as I know that I am doing a good job playing the role of both dad and mum to my kids. I have friends who are married with kids but flirts outside with the opposite sex instead of going home to spend time with their kids. Is that having proper moral? And what about those who work and leave the kids with the maid? I know of someone whose kids are more attached to the maid than to the parents. I pity these friends as they are missing out on the growing process of their kids which will be gone at the blink of the eyes. Nothing is more important than spending precious time with our kids even if it means only a few hours left after returning home from work. I dare to say that we as single parents do a better job in upbringing our kids than those with both parents. So who are the failures?

For disciplining, if they can't differentiate what is discipline and abusing then they are not fit to be parents themselves if they are. Discipline plays a very important role in upbringing children. For me I started to scold and cane (light caning) Emma when she was 1. Now I don't even need the cane anymore. For example, I can leave her alone when I go to the bathroom. She knows what are the things that she is not allowed to touch. My laptop is within her reach yet she did not even once tried to touch it. She is considered better behaved than her peers her age. She even help me do some minor house chores like folding her own clothes, helping me to pull out the wet tissue piece by piece from the package when I am changing diaper for Glenna. I don't wish to cane my children when they start going to school. By then they might turn rebellious. Its good to start at a young age and set the foundation right.

I guess as single parents, we tend to put in more effort naturally because we know our kids are already missing out on one parent, that is what the culture pressures us to do. I'm very grateful my parents are of great help, ironically especially my mum. Even though she was my source of stress during pregnancy, a grandchild is always the gem of a grandparent, and they will love them regardless. I can't say the se for my ex's parents, coz many times when I take him out to meet them, his mum will only sometimes turn up coz she has better things to do like facial, shopping, etc. Doesn't matter to me, all the better since I can't stand how she bullies my son and carries him out of sight. I'm luckier than you that I have only one child to mind, and my parents help me out when I'm at work. They also have to care for my niece whose BOTH parents are too busy for her.

My son is 10 mths old and I've started light scolding already and let my parents know not to spoil him, thankfully they don't as well, but they love him to bits.

I'm sure alot of single mummies here will agree there is a fear that one day, our ex will come back to fight for the kid. And it is scary that in the eyes of the law, both parents have the right to the child just because they are the biological parent. Be it a right to visit, or right to equal custody, it is still an existing problem because we want to protect our child from the irresponsible hands of the ex. Many were not responsible, abusive or plainly deny relations but suddenly decided they want their child back. This fear is always on my mind, especially when my son is everything to me, and I cannot lose him. Even though his father was not there during my pregnancy, did not support me, did not take part in bringing him up, the law still sees that because he's the father, in the favor of the child, it will grant him certain rights. I really fear the day I receive his lawyer's letter.

I've been married before and my marriage was annulled in the courts because my ex husband just didn't want to stay married. He lied about the reason for annulment and lay the fault on me, still, he gets what he wants. I am terrified of marriage to the wrong guy, so when o was planning for the wedding with my son's father, he proved to be not the one for me. I couldn't bring myself to marry and then divorce later. This decision, I will never regret, but allowing him to see the boy, I truly regret that. Even though he said he didn't want to have anything to do with me and baby, because we didn't get married; he changed his mind time and again.

I've decided to tell my son that he has a father, and his father was absent from the time he was conceived. But I don't think I should allow him to acknowledge him, because that man is so indecisive, maybe he would acknowledge my son one day, and then another day decide not to. I won't want to confuse my son and allow him to be treated so unimportantly. This is provided that man doesn't play punk and play the good man in front of the boy. And who knows if he marries, then he might suddenly deny that he has a son, so I can't bear to break my son's heart and allow him to be treated like a toy that just went out of fashion.

 

[shi_san_yee]

Cant blame pple for their stereotypes. Many young single mummies gave birth to lil ones, dumped aside n continue their own life. Have to learn to accept those...

Most imptly. Do what u think is right. Initially, i was very easily affected by people's comments n remarks. When pple tells me im not a gd mummy cos of my way of upbringing. When pple tell me my son will be very ke lian cos of this n that. Esp when my mama tell me i very heartless n dont love my son when i 'shoot' him. I will shoot his hand (not very hard cos i se bu de la, but still got the impact), when he doesnt listen etc. I didnt have to cos initially he is 'afraid' of me when i m serious, till one day my very smart mama go tell him 'mameh is bad everytime scold u, come hit mameh'. One time two time n he is no scare of me anymore. So really bo bian, gotta shoot. But i dont shoot over every lil thing. Only serious thing like throw tantrum or touch dangerous things when i told him not to.
I know its very frustrating n it does hurt when pple make such remarks. One friend told me, 'y r u so bothered? U dont have to prove or explain anything to them. Just do what u think is right. They r no one to tell u if uve done right. As yr kid grows, he will show u of u r right.' this wakes me up n i learn to throw pple's comments far far away. I do things my way teach my son my way. My mama can niam n niam i very zek ark when i shoot my boy. Thats the hardest one la. Cos she's my mum n she says it cos she loves my boy. Have to keep brainwash her. Now getting better. If i piak my boy n he cries, she will yang him n tell him its cos he's naughty.

My point is, nobody owes us anything. We dont have to expect them to show abit of understanding. We deserve it cos we chose this path. For passerby, they r nothing in our life. Their comments or anything else shdnt affect us at all. For friends, true friends who understand u knows y u do certain things. U dont have to explain. Those who push u down with words, seriously, do u need such friends? N for family, always rmb its cos they love u. N they care. Im talking bout yr own parents siblings. Relatives put aside la. All u can do is let time do its work. Do yr part. N let yr actions prove yr words. Pple always say action speaks louder than words right?

My mama was supportive of me being single mum. Papa more traditional. Keep hinting i shd abort. I even went to the polyclinic but broke down cry like mad once i hear the heartbeat. Mama called papa n let him hear my cries. N he know i m having my way already.
Was naive n stupid. Thinking that all newborn does is eat n sleep. When terrorist came out it was hell for first two mths. I didnt have any confinement lady. N i had to learn from scratch. With the stupid wound below. He doesnt eat n sleep. He cry all day n night. Screming his lungs out like he really hates me. The only time i cld carry him n not have him crying was during feed. I nearly had depression. Bang head against the wall. Shout at him in the middle of the night. Others baby r so easy to look after. Like sleeping all day long. I donno y mine is so difficult. Was desperately deprive of sleep.
Slowly i learn. How to control my temper n emotions. How to put him in priority. How to think im his shoes. Tried understanding his thinking. N it works. As day passes, i cld c improvement. He no longer hates me. N was slowly falling for me.
His first smile at me, his first showing he wants me. Every lil thing he does that tells me he loves me.
All these r like him encouraging me, telling me i have done right.
N i no longer bother abt anything else. He is like my result sheet after the exam. N im like studied so hard for it. Seeing him now makes me feel like everything is worth it.

Ask alfred. I think those who know me before my pregnancy wont expect me to change so much ba. Haha.

Shisanyee jiayou!!!

thanks for the encouragement ah!! Ya la it's tough on us doing this on our own, but I guess for many of us single parents, this is when we really see the love our family can give us and how much they are willing to help. I'm very touched with my parents. I always thought they only know how to scold me, not capable of showing love. Now I see their love for me in my son.

Last time when I work, it's all about how I want to make myself happy, want to upgrade car, want to go out drink everyday, go Cheong, but now...
The worst was after I annulled with my ex husband, I had zero $, coz I spent it all on surviving with him overseas, his mum didn't allow him to give me allowance, and I couldn't work overseas. So when I came back, then got annulled, he didn't need to give me anything, and I had nothing, so work from scratch. THEN I MET MY SON'S FATHER.

So broke up Liao then found out pregnant; struggle to support myself, while listening to all the devil comments from people around. If I ever marry and get pregnant, I MUST enjoy my pregnancy; I really regretted being so depressed and stressed. Now still struggle but I have something to struggle for and its all worth it when s wants mummy to carry, and when he smiles at me, it makes those sleepless nights easier to live through.

I must learn to let go of those mean comments and it's true, I don't owe those people any explanation.

Hehe both of u have babies older than s, so give me more parenting tips ok? I'm afraid of becoming too strict, until he's scared of me.

 

[happymummyo7]

Muahaha. Thats y i really wanna meet u!! Rarely i find single parents who really set their mind to devote to their kids..

For me. I said byebye to all friends who r unable to accept n understand having a kid ard during outtings. My only two closest gf, both love my boy to max. N im grateful to have them la. Esp one who comes almost every weekend to visit us.
I dont want my boy to feel rejected or unwanted. Whether he knows it or not. I know its kinda over protective la. But i know what im doing is right for him.. So now, in his life, everyone loves him!!!
Sadly, both my parents overlove him n kinda spoil him giving in to his every demand. Initially i was very stress over this. N i kinda refrain them from doing it. After some time, i decide to change 'plan'. Cos i know they spoil my boy cos they love him. N its mainly harmless things. He will only be this age this stage for once, when he grow up when they grow old or leave, i dont want any of them to have any yi han. So i start to let go n let them b. As long as its harmless things la. Like keep carrying ard the hse. Carry whenever he whines etc.

When everyone spoils him, im left with no choice but to b the evil one lo. I do spoil him also la. But to a certain limit. Whatever way u use to discipline. U have to b very firm with ur stand.

When i first shoot him. I have to hold back the tears n act one fierce lo. Even till now, though i got over the wanna cry stage, the heart still ache la. But i always remind myself, if i dont teach, in the end suffer de is him. I dont want him to end up being a no manners spoilt brat. In future when he comes out to society sure jialat. So i use this to keep remind myself.

Im 95% the crazy mummy who goes down to his level. Sing n dance n jump n crawl ard to entertain him n all. Act laugh act cry act clown. His personal rocker sofa pillow music player etc. Piggyback him carry him. But when he misbehave like throw tantrum, not obeying like touching things he shdnt thats dangerous, doing things he shdnt like spitting out his water, throwing things etc. Those very serious one. I will firmly fiercely says no. Stop it or im gonna shoot.

I think for yr boy age, to me la. I feel its the setting right m wrong yes n no stage. When he reach the toddler stage like my terrorist, they r more on testing yr limit. Cos he wld always purposely try to do things he not suppose to n watch me at the same time to c my reaction. After my warning im gonna shoot he will give that cheeky grin or giggle n run. Everytime i tell him 'mameh shoot liao hor, yi, er,' then he will 'san' n run..
Everytime i tell him no i always explain y no. Everytime i scold or shoot him i will tell him what he have done, y he shdnt. After the whining or crying stops i will tell him i still love him but he cannot behave that way. Then show him tell him what he shd do instead.
This works for him n me la. So far so good. Terrorist n cheeky but not beyond controls.

Now instead of those shitty remarks. I always hear mama friends tell mama that her daughter very good leh. The kid will scare n listen etc etc. N now mama slowly accept my ways of teaching my boy.
This is y i say, let time do its work. N actions speaks louder than words.
During the initial stage i tried explaining but no one listens n everyone decide that im wrong. Now the end product shut them up..

 

[shi_san_yee]

Muahaha. Thats y i really wanna meet u!! Rarely i find single parents who really set their mind to devote to their kids..

For me. I said byebye to all friends who r unable to accept n understand having a kid ard during outtings. My only two closest gf, both love my boy to max. N im grateful to have them la. Esp one who comes almost every weekend to visit us.
I dont want my boy to feel rejected or unwanted. Whether he knows it or not. I know its kinda over protective la. But i know what im doing is right for him.. So now, in his life, everyone loves him!!!
Sadly, both my parents overlove him n kinda spoil him giving in to his every demand. Initially i was very stress over this. N i kinda refrain them from doing it. After some time, i decide to change 'plan'. Cos i know they spoil my boy cos they love him. N its mainly harmless things. He will only be this age this stage for once, when he grow up when they grow old or leave, i dont want any of them to have any yi han. So i start to let go n let them b. As long as its harmless things la. Like keep carrying ard the hse. Carry whenever he whines etc.

When everyone spoils him, im left with no choice but to b the evil one lo. I do spoil him also la. But to a certain limit. Whatever way u use to discipline. U have to b very firm with ur stand.

When i first shoot him. I have to hold back the tears n act one fierce lo. Even till now, though i got over the wanna cry stage, the heart still ache la. But i always remind myself, if i dont teach, in the end suffer de is him. I dont want him to end up being a no manners spoilt brat. In future when he comes out to society sure jialat. So i use this to keep remind myself.

Im 95% the crazy mummy who goes down to his level. Sing n dance n jump n crawl ard to entertain him n all. Act laugh act cry act clown. His personal rocker sofa pillow music player etc. Piggyback him carry him. But when he misbehave like throw tantrum, not obeying like touching things he shdnt thats dangerous, doing things he shdnt like spitting out his water, throwing things etc. Those very serious one. I will firmly fiercely says no. Stop it or im gonna shoot.

I think for yr boy age, to me la. I feel its the setting right m wrong yes n no stage. When he reach the toddler stage like my terrorist, they r more on testing yr limit. Cos he wld always purposely try to do things he not suppose to n watch me at the same time to c my reaction. After my warning im gonna shoot he will give that cheeky grin or giggle n run. Everytime i tell him 'mameh shoot liao hor, yi, er,' then he will 'san' n run..
Everytime i tell him no i always explain y no. Everytime i scold or shoot him i will tell him what he have done, y he shdnt. After the whining or crying stops i will tell him i still love him but he cannot behave that way. Then show him tell him what he shd do instead.
This works for him n me la. So far so good. Terrorist n cheeky but not beyond controls.

Now instead of those shitty remarks. I always hear mama friends tell mama that her daughter very good leh. The kid will scare n listen etc etc. N now mama slowly accept my ways of teaching my boy.
This is y i say, let time do its work. N actions speaks louder than words.
During the initial stage i tried explaining but no one listens n everyone decide that im wrong. Now the end product shut them up..

Hahah sounds like you've got your boy under good control! Now s still doesn't understand anything much, when I scold him he will smile at me; I don't know how to react, laugh or scold more! I beat his hand when he grabs bowls, cups, wires etc; I flick his mouth when he bites weird stuff; I yell very loud when he's somewhere reaching for something when I'm far away to shock him then he will look at me with that blur look. I guess I gotta take it slow but steady in teaching him. But when my niece hits him, pinches him or play very rough to the point he really scream and cry, I only carry him away. Not my daughter I better not discipline or else my SIL might not like. I just hope s doesn't become like her, very ill-disciplined. Honestly, even my dogs are better behaved than her 

My folks spoil him also, but they know from example of my niece that s must not be spoilt that way, otherwise he will suffer when he gets bigger. But they will do all the standard grandparents spoiling; carry when crying, pat to sleep ALL THE TIME, carry when he doesn't want to sleep etc,. I put my foot down and that's why I come back everyday toread bedtime story, put him to bed, let him cry it out till he sleeps, no carrying/rocking after 8pm then I go back to work.

You've seen my picures in fb, u see this Lao auntie, don't know if it's weird we sit down and chat lor haha! At my age, still so blur, carrying a baby, don't laugh at auntie ok?! Haha

 

[glam-mummy]

My husband and I stay together with our son. He rarely helps out in the house and he doesn't take care of our son. Yes on surface my kid have a complete family. but I'm looking after my son like a single mum.

I bring him through and fro from my mums place when I'm at work. I change him and bathe him. Even when I'm sick, I still drag myself up to look after him and cook for him. All he does is things that he like to do. He happy he play with baby. Sleep in during weekends or watch online movie at home etc. Weekdays, he will always have his "last min" alcohol session. His reason for drinking and going out, he scared will drift apart with his friends and need to network etc..

Not all friends will agree what we are doing and they will simply just comment without considering our feelings.

End of the day, if you really follow what they say and marry the child's father, one day if divorce, kid will suffer the emotional loss.

IMO, don't start. so you don't have to end it.

 

[shi_san_yee]

My husband and I stay together with our son. He rarely helps out in the house and he doesn't take care of our son. Yes on surface my kid have a complete family. but I'm looking after my son like a single mum.

I bring him through and fro from my mums place when I'm at work. I change him and bathe him. Even when I'm sick, I still drag myself up to look after him and cook for him. All he does is things that he like to do. He happy he play with baby. Sleep in during weekends or watch online movie at home etc. Weekdays, he will always have his "last min" alcohol session. His reason for drinking and going out, he scared will drift apart with his friends and need to network etc..

Not all friends will agree what we are doing and they will simply just comment without considering our feelings.

End of the day, if you really follow what they say and marry the child's father, one day if divorce, kid will suffer the emotional loss.

IMO, don't start. so you don't have to end it.

I sympathise with you. It is unfortunate that your husband doesn't involve himself in your son's life, he will regret that one day. In fact, my brother is like that too; so his wife decided to get a job and now, both of then neglect the child and leave the parenting to my folks. BUT my folks do not seem to think it's a big problem, simply because my niece still has parents, still a complete family. For me, they expect me to not have a life, and spend my life bringing my son up. I have no problems with doing that; I have a problem with the double standards though.

My mum told me to 'just get married', and when i divorce, 'it's ok, at least the child has a legal father and will get support from him'. It makes no sense to me. I know that MANY marriages happen because a baby is on the way. Some of these end up in divorce, many others remain married but live an empty marriage life and of course there are those with happy endings.

I think my son's father might have been an okay father, and would probably be quite involved in his life (I'm only guessing from what I see on the occasional visits)but that's hypothetical, but if we ever married, neither of us would be happy. We argue all the time, I hate his temper, I hate his stinginess, I hate his demands, and I will always remember how he told me to abort my child because I called the wedding off.

Friends will always have comments. Some out of care and concern, some give suggestions because they think it's the right thing to do and others, only because they just want to have a say. I had loads of these comments, suggestions, advise. Almost all hurt me. And I'm glad I went ahead with my decision and stood firm by it. Some of these friends were even offended that I didn't heed their advise. There will always be these 'friends'. I try to take them with more than a pinch of salt.

 

[shi_san_yee]

safety and privacy issues on FB

I saw that my ex has put up many of my son's photos that he's taken from the various times they met. He has also put up these pictures on his facebook account. Do i have the right to get him to remove it? I don't want him to accuse me of finding fault with him, but I'm not too happy that my son's face is his profile picture, and he's is not even on my friend's list. Is that my prerogative to get him to take the photos down or how do i put it in a nice way?

 

[lydiaveroni]

hi shi_san_yee,

i went thru almost the same ordeal as u. except i abort the baby in the end. but my case was my ex bf and his mum pressiurized me into it. like a car salesperson, bombing me with text telling me to abort and all that shit. imagine a mum doing that. what example are u setting to your son? and i still remember my ex said: if u keep the baby, you're on your own. i was 17weeks pregnant then. they made me depressed.

now, i regret that i didnt put my foot down to cut all ties with them in the first place. if i changed my number and cut it off they wouldnt have been able to hound me.

i understand the anger and i feel you. if you dont feel comfortable, dont need to "give face". their son left u in the first place. And did his pareents knew bout the pregnancy? how easy of them to carry their grandson so happily when u went thru the whole labour process yourself. im fuming mad when i read this. the next time when that man requests to meet, make sure he bring his parents and u bring your mum. tell them u wanna cut all ties with them and how he walked out on u and baby and ask u to abort. if they insist tat he's the baby's father, tell them that other than the sperm, that man had no part in the baby's upbringing. let them know u feel extremely uncomfortable letting your son meet them. your mum should act pissed also and describe how much u went thru to give birth to this baby boy and you guys are coping extremely well without them. and end it with telling them u will bring up your son to be a good person, in future to be an upright and responsible man, who can face the consequences of his mistakes. when its too late, its time to let go. this ending shld shut them up.

no need to be polite and give in to these pple. ive learnt it in the hard way