those parents who leave their babies in parents house:

[cmeilim]

I had that option - to leave Eva with my parents for an entire week and see her only on the weekends. The catch? My parents are in KL and I'm in SG. In fact, it was forced upon us but we said no.

There are a few reasons as to why but the main ones are because I wanted to breastfeed for as long as possible AND we would like to be proactive as parents. For us, our parents' time are over and the late nights, diaper changes, feeds, etc (anything and everything you can think of that possibly relates to child care) is on OUR plate now.

I know of people who do that (leave their kids overnight at their parents/IL's place) but unlike Singapore, we're talking about more distance - at least 3-6 hours' drive; yes, it's unbelievable but MANY parents in Malaysia to do that. People who work in KL and send their kids to their in-laws or parents in another state like Perak or Pahang and so forth. My neighbour is taking care of her grandson and the parents are working here in SG. They dont't even come back to see their child every weekend - twice a month is the most, my mum tells me. I know of a friend who leaves her son with her ILs in Taiping and sees him twice a month OR during long weekends (public holidays, etc). My hubby's friend here in SG ships his daughter off to his ILs in JB and only sees her during the weekends.

For these people, there is nothing wrong with such an arrangement. They see it as a way of saving money without having to worry about the child being mistreated or finding babysitting arrangement. Sometimes it's also because of spousal pressure.

That friend whose kid is in Taiping - when I asked her why she didn't just find a babysitter in KL late last year when she first gave birth, she remarked that her hubby prefer his mother to take care of their son and promised her that they would change the arrangement and bring him back permenantly in February this year. It's now May and their son is STILL in Taiping. She doesn't like it but she doesn't want to piss off her hubby. It is also because of this arrangement that she had to stop BFing - a pity, to be honest.

It's hard to judge because we're not in their shoes. Of course, we wish for the ideal for all parents AND baby but sometimes not everyone is as selfish as we make them out to be. Sometimes I do admit that I wonder why people want to have kids if they are going to leave the "dirty work" to other people, go out and enjoy late nights and etc...but that's just what we see in the front. We dont't know anything else unless we are in their shoes.

Well said, meiteoh. I agree with u that we can't be too judgemental, at least in most cases. Parenting choices r ultimately personal, subjective choices that each parent make. Whatever choices we make, I trust we know the costs, sacrifices, tradeoffs n the consequences we hv to be responsible for.

 

[bubbleblue]

hi ladies, my mum has the same request like shiyi's mum. Worst of all, my mum wants to continue working and leave my baby under a maid's care (at my mum's place of course). I felt exploited and disappointed that on one hand, she claimed that she wants to take care of my child but on the other hand, she wants me to hire a maid (which is beyond my means). I became very stressed now cos I have told her my constraints and my thoughts.

I also want to raise my own kids my own way. So I proposed infant care centre when iI am working, she will rebuke my proposal that the infant will get sick often and it's not good for the baby's health. It's impossible for me and my hb to take care of my baby at nights since we are both working. I was very mad but swallow my words to avoid a heated argument.

I was thinking we must learn and be a pair of responsible parents isnt it? Any first time parents know how to care for baby at nights?

Sorry to grumble my story here but I really need to talk it out. I am in my second trimester of pregnancy now and felt extremely stressed when I have to think of these issues. I hope my baby wouldnt turn out grumpy.

 

[jasobias]

hi ladies, my mum has the same request like shiyi's mum. Worst of all, my mum wants to continue working and leave my baby under a maid's care (at my mum's place of course). I felt exploited and disappointed that on one hand, she claimed that she wants to take care of my child but on the other hand, she wants me to hire a maid (which is beyond my means). I became very stressed now cos I have told her my constraints and my thoughts.

I also want to raise my own kids my own way. So I proposed infant care centre when iI am working, she will rebuke my proposal that the infant will get sick often and it's not good for the baby's health. It's impossible for me and my husband to take care of my baby at nights since we are both working. I was very mad but swallow my words to avoid a heated argument.

I was thinking we must learn and be a pair of responsible parents isnt it? Any first time parents know how to care for baby at nights?

Sorry to grumble my story here but I really need to talk it out. I am in my second trimester of pregnancy now and felt extremely stressed when I have to think of these issues. I hope my baby wouldnt turn out grumpy.

hey bubbleblue,
it is possible for parents to take care of their own baby at nite even if they r working or first time parents.Inexperience shld never be used as an excuse.For my first son i was pretty sickly(well i still am!),hubby took care of the baby at nites by himself.Fed baby every 2 hrs..without fail.He did it for all our 3 kids n yes he goes to work the next morning.Sometimes u just need to make tht sacrifice n believe me the returns will be plenty!!
If ur mum doesnt want to look after the baby then her opinion is no longer valid.Put ur baby in either infant care or find a nanny.Many mums r doing this.U still have time to search for a nanny so its great tht u realise u have a problem now rather than later.

 

[bubbleblue]

THANK YOU so much, jasobias. you gave me great courage and hope! As a first time parents, I am determined to bring up my kids on my own. Me and my hb had decided to send our baby to infant care centre as we have a few choices around our home area. Your hubby is really a super-dad! I hope we will be wonderful parents as our first baby arrives this Sept and reap fruitful returns (like you mentioned).

 

[Blurblur MTB]

i feel dat something is very wrong w d parents (esp mothers) if they can bear to not bring their baby home every nite. unless really no choice, e.g. both parents work late. if not, i really dont un y any parents can leave their baby at other ppl (even if it's own parents or in laws) house n only bringing them back 2-3 times a week. feel dat d parents r not ready to b parents at all. so irresponsible. wonder how d kid will feel.

If given a choice I would love to bring my girl back home with me. But I won't want to wake her up and 5 plus 6am to drive her all the way from Serangoon to the west where my mum stays. However I do travel to my mum's pl everyday after work to fufill my duty as a mum, I feed her if she has not eaten, shower her, make fruits for her, and try to put her to bed if time allows. So normally I'll reach home at about 11pm latest (depending on what time my husband finish work). So am I a irresponsible mum? Sometimes pple do something with a reason, not neccessary that both work late then can leave the child at parents place. As long as they do their part as a parent, does it really matter where the kid is?

 

[flyaway]

I want to bring my babies back from my in-laws' place on a daily basis but hubby think otherwise. He said the back and forth drive + wake up during the nights is a killer even though I am trying hard to get my car license so that I can drive whenever he is tired.

How to convince him cos from MIL place to his work place wld take 30-40 min? I am trying to outsource most of my housechores so that hubby and I will have more time to rest or bond with our baby. Having a in-house maid is the last resort unless both of us are exhausted from taking care of 2 kids.

Am returning to work soon so need to find a solution...

 

[Triquetra]

I bring my daughter back daily.
I really cannot imagine not seeing her for too long. My heart was already aching badly and tears just kept flowing the last time I went Taiwan with hubby for 5 days. Her cheeky smiles and little actions always randomly appear in my head during work and I always look forward to seeing her after work. She really motivates me

 

[euzigran]

My daughter loooved his pacifier as a baby and I was sure she would run a hopefully not the same thing as three years. But it was largely dismissed in about a year. Occasionally we find one, and POP in your mouth and refer to a couple of minutes, but I think it depends on the child.

 

[Leahlee]

My daughter loooved his pacifier as a baby and I was sure she would run a hopefully not the same thing as three years. But it was largely dismissed in about a year. Occasionally we find one, and POP in your mouth and refer to a couple of minutes, but I think it depends on the child.

my 1 month old boy refused to be pacified.. only want breast breast breast all the time... how to train?

 

[Summer01]

Hi all, I've been toubling abt this issue too since my son is borned. The arrangement now is my son stay with parents in law weekdays and I bring him hm weekend. I'll visit him almost every weekdays. There has been lots of argument too btw hubby n me on this topic. Once when I couldn't bear, I brought him back on thurs nite instead of usual fri. However, we stop doing so since son was sick n not advisable to transport him to n fro during the period. I'm still expressing milk n latch him whenever I can, he is 8 mths plus. It can be quite tiring, the life until I start question what am I doing ? I am depressed cause can't tuck him to bed everyday, yet I don't have much energy to keep wanting bring him hm daily. My husband works late, me alone see son n my career recently is not very smooth, wanna chg job. The worst part, aft I've done all, seems like son prefer mil more. They really love him very much till tell my son to call her 'mar mar', instead of ah ma. I knw I'm being sensitive here but my heart really ache when crying son wanz hugs fr her than me. Sorry, just feel like complaining a bit here, pls ignore me. .

 

[pkshl]

Hi all, I've been toubling about this issue too since my son is borned. The arrangement now is my son stay with parents in law weekdays and I bring him hm weekend. I'll visit him almost every weekdays. There has been lots of argument too btw hubby n me on this topic. Once when I couldn't bear, I brought him back on thurs nite instead of usual fri. However, we stop doing so since son was sick n not advisable to transport him to n fro during the period. I'm still expressing milk n latch him whenever I can, he is 8 mths plus. It can be quite tiring, the life until I start question what am I doing ? I am depressed cause can't tuck him to bed everyday, yet I dont't have much energy to keep wanting bring him hm daily. My husband works late, me alone see son n my career recently is not very smooth, wanna chg job. The worst part, after I've done all, seems like son prefer mother in law more. They really love him very much till tell my son to call her 'mar mar', instead of . I knw I'm being sensitive here but my heart really ache when crying son wanz hugs fr her than me. Sorry, just feel like complaining a bit here, pls ignore me. .

hi, i can understand yr situation. but unlike u, i opt to bring my son home every night without fail whether is it rain or storm.

my son is being taken care of by my inlaws & my mil will hog on him, even wen im at her place, she keeps on carry him until i fedup, i juz 'snatch' him over, telling him' we r gg home'. & bcos of she always carrying him, now my son has developed a habit of always wants to be carried which im very pissed. & my mil always say my son prefers her more. thing she do i dislike, i complain to my hb, he always tel me to ignore cos his parents r like tat. now i juz 1ear in 1ear out & close 1 eye, as long as they dun interfer in how i teach my son or what i do, ive nothing against them.

given yr situation, are u able to bring yr son home yrself daily? dun worry abt the part where yr baby is close to yr mil, kids r smart, they know who are their parents & like what my hb said, kids r naturally closer to their mothers cos there's a bond there.(we gave birth to our kids so that explains the bond btw mother & child).

sometimes my hb works late, i will bring my son home myself, unless is raining or my son is sick den ive no choice but to leave him overnight there. but my mil cant cope wen my son stays overnight at her pl, he will cry nonstop for us cos everynight he sleeps with us. after 3 sleepless nights, my mil surrender & tel us to bring my son home :tlaugh:

 

[clingbel]

Hi,

I am a mother with 2 kids. DD is 2.5yrs old and DS is 6mths old.
My DD is very attached to me cos, since infant till now she has nvr left me unless I am on biz trips. She was in the care of babysitter when she is b4 1.5yrs old, bring her home everyday.

Now, she is in CCC. Hubby will fetch her everyday to & fro from CCC. Son is left with mother in law, initially, I bring him home everyday. And, mother in law complains and nags at me, complains to every relatives that she saw and via phone. Gradually, I bring son home on alternate days, mothercin law is still not satisfied, she wants DS to stay in her home everyday except fri nite and wk-ends. She hogs him...... Yes, ppl will say DS is my child I have the rights to take him back. For me, why do i wanna sour the r/s between me & hubby becos of this? A family is to have togetherness. I just felt that, my son is a joy, and he is also ought to be shared with mother in law, who dotes him extremely and yes, children are intelligent and they know who their parents are. Why do i say I share my son with mother in law, this will allow the child to feels that he is comfy with all the family members that handles him. And, he won't just seek to 1 person when he cries.

Me, DH & DS goes over to mother in law's hse daily to bond with our son.
As usual, mother in law will say nasty remarks to my DD. things like "see mummy dotes didi and not u anymore." Extra effort needed for me to neutralise such issue for DD.

Hubby is not supportive and I am tired out with all the preparation of necessities into my DD to sch-bag daily, sterilizing bottles, washing & hanging of both kids & our own laundries. Hubby is just like a Emperor waiting to be served on with just a single call out to me. I am overly tired, I am not a super mum like some of u here.

Sorry for such lengthy post.

We are all of different individuals just like each babies whom will only be suitable of a type of FM etc etc etc, each household has their own way to remedy each situation they face and deep down no one can really point to say that the parent is not responsible or are responsible....... there are alot of factors to the result of the plans for leaving our child with in laws or not leaving with in laws/parents.

Some of my girl friends that has kids give up to look after their own child due to the in laws extreme possesion and in-supportive partner... there must be 1 party to give in, in any situation......

Penny of my tots. & sorry again for such a long posting.

 

[viva848]

Feel safer to leave my kid with my parents... rather than CC...
luckily we stay not far away from my parents house...

 

[Summer01]

Hi pkshl, may I know how old is your baby? I'm grateful mother in law willing to take care of my son but on the other hand, quite worry son will get spoilt. Confirmed! She really treat him good and baby is smart, know that and he also close with her. So basically son is ok at night with us and also in laws. And I long time understand we really need to close one eye with that to avoid argument. You asked am I able to bring him home by myself every night. Answer is ok and not ok. When I cannot take it and start action to bring him home during weekdays, its like I'm causing trouble to everyone. Father in law will insist to drive me and son home cause worry we take public transport. Once I rejected him firmly but I think I've hurt him. Then my hubby will be dead tired the next morning when we gotta send son to in laws place. Now, we come to decision to bring son home from thurs nite till sun and when he turns one year old, bring him hm every night.

Sigh. .. hope the plan can be carried out smoothly... when you think baby can start recognize us as his daddy and mummy and closer to us ? Kinda sad he still treat me like 'stranger'

 

[Summer01]

Hi clingbel, thanks for sharing! Agree with you that family is togetherness and dont't intend to sour the relationship. I also get lots of comment from friends that I should insist , be firm since son is mine. However, really have to think big pic. We just have to accept as everyone wants the best for son

 

[sunburst]

Both my boys are looked after by my mum. We bring them over on Sunday night, stay the night then go to work. We only bring them home on Friday nights. Despite tt my mum place is far from our place, we will go over for dinner & see our boys every weekday after work. It is tiring to shuttle the distance but I will miss them if I don't see them everyday.

Thankfully my parents are receptive to how I want my boys to be looked after. So glad tt I don't have to put my boys with my in laws... Have so many issues with them (long story). Anyways what is important is to find a suitable caregiver whom you can trust, so tt ur mind can be at ease when u are at work.

 

[WinnieL]

we live with my in-laws, but my girl goes to my mom's during the day while we're at work, then pick her up at night after work. Reason - MIL works and not always at home. FIL can't look after kids.

But occasionally, when MIL not working, she'll look after my girl & relieve my mom from childcare activities.

 

[peacefulgal]

do you guys bring back the baby at nite or leave them to stayover then pick them up during the wkends.. my mum says leave her in the wkdays..but i think i will go crazy missing her haha

no i dun bring DS back during the weekdays as i need to go to work very early the next morning. I will pick him up on Friday night every week.

 

[pkshl]

Hi pkshl, may I know how old is your baby? I'm grateful mother in law willing to take care of my son but on the other hand, quite worry son will get spoilt. Confirmed! She really treat him good and baby is smart, know that and he also close with her. So basically son is ok at night with us and also in laws. And I long time understand we really need to close one eye with that to avoid argument. You asked am I able to bring him home by myself every night. Answer is ok and not ok. When I cannot take it and start action to bring him home during weekdays, its like I'm causing trouble to everyone. Father in law will insist to drive me and son home cause worry we take public transport. Once I rejected him firmly but I think I've hurt him. Then my hubby will be dead tired the next morning when we gotta send son to in laws place. Now, we come to decision to bring son home from thurs nite till sun and when he turns one year old, bring him hm every night.

Sigh. .. hope the plan can be carried out smoothly... when you think baby can start recognize us as his daddy and mummy and closer to us ? Kinda sad he still treat me like 'stranger'

Hi summer01, sorry for late reply, i juz saw yr post today.

my son is coming 16mths. He's a terror now,throwing temper as & when he like. Terrible Twos is like tat. sign...

Glad that u made the decision to bring yr son home at least 4days a week. Dun worry, baby already recognize u when he's born, especially u cos u r the mum. As he grow older, he will want u & ur hubby more den yr inlaws.

whenever i go & fetch my son, he's so happy when he sees me & my hubby. he will start his baby talk den want us to carry him. Im sure yr son will also be very happy to see u & yr hubby when u reach yr inlaws place.

Actually i dun tink u will cause trouble to anyone if u bring yr son home daily. R u able to take bus with yr son yrself? if u havnt try, u should go ahead & try. Tel yr FIL u can cope by yrself, no need for him to drive u home. u can take the bus with yr son. Does yr inlaws live far from u?

There were times when my hubby is late at work & i also bring my son home myself, i also take bus. When my son was younger, we also bring him home daily, we juz wrap him up to prevent him from catching cold den carry him lying down since he is still very young. Now tat my son is bigger & now learning to walk, is also a challenge for me cos he is much heavier now & he always 'talk' or sing song in the bus or do funny actions.

U can talk to yr inlaws, tell them u want to take care of yr son at night so that they old folks can have good night rest. Thats what i always tell my mil if she insist my son to stay overnight. I tel her what if morning she has no energy den faint how . even though she tells me it wont happen but i juz firmly reject her, now she never ask my son to stay overnight.

There was once when i was down with fever/flu & my hubby was on reservist. We had to leave my son at my inlaws place for 3days. When we went to fetch my son on the 4th day, he was so happy he laugh & quickly crawl to us. Den my mil said she cant cope when my son stay overnight for 3days. she said 1st night still ok, 2nd & 3rd night my son refused to sleep, keep crying, FIL said cos he miss us den dun want to sleep.

 

[shiyi]

my girl is used to slping in her own bed with us ard. now when we want to leave her at my mum's hse she will make a fuss and in the end, we will still have to pick her up.. haiz