Weak hubby - Tomb Sweeping

[Cheyenne]

I have enought!!! Can't stand a weak hubby anymore!!!

Last Monday,he sms me to said that coming Sun (today) he will follow his mum (MIL staying with us) for the annual tomb sweeping (really at the cementry, hot and no shelter, not those in the temple). I replied does he plan to bring our DD along, he said : nope, and trying to find ways not to do so.

And yet today, he just kuai kuai follow suit and hurry DD to shower before leaving. I told him, 2 years ago,we let MIL bring my DD and she end up high fever when she come back. We had such a hard time for those few days with her high fever and ask if he want history to repeat. He did not answer.

How many mumies out there actually brought your little one to tomb sweep ?

This is not the first time, hubby is weak.For most of the time, if he can 'sweep things under the carpet' he would and kept asking me to 'endure, for his sake'. But never, the other way round. I do know that he is sandwich in between, but, there must be a limit to this.

Things happen years back (long story). For the last 5 year,MIL being living with us under the same roof and till today, we never talk at all (not a word). We just treat each other transparent. Occassional, she will use her vulgurality on me. He still wants me to go on living like that for the next 5 years and more. I can't do it. Can you, if you are in my shoes ?

I keep telling myself to endure for 2 more months till EDD,after which confinement at my mum place. And then, I will file for separation on grounds that he don't protect is wife nor child and end this.

 

[autumn82]

11: Erm... I dink it's not very good to bring kids along... But u relax.. dun be sooo angry... *sayang* Not good for little one in yr tummy now...

Just dun dink too much, wait until yr edd..

Abt yr mil, ever tot of shifting out? Get another place w/o her??

 

[Cheyenne]

Thanks Autumn 82.

Mine is a long time problem that being building for the last 5+ years. Yes,bring wanting to shift out, But, this is our house, we can only chase her out. Our finance are not high enough to cope with 2 house.

In fact,I kind of 'threaten' hubby with my 2nd preggy that either she go or I go. So in the end, he promise to look for a private apartment outside and now making plans to shift out after delivery. He gave all sort of excuses : eg. can't move while preggy, housing agent (who is his friend) kept changing . postpone appt. Each time, the 3 month deadlines I gave him were further extend w/o reasons.

Till I fed up, I got my contact for a housing agent,who arrange for house viewing within a week that I've contact him. Then we went housing viewing and more or less decided on where. Then, while waiting to see the banker, hubby again dragged me for 1 whole month. Gave him the detail on the banker and documents needs, he just 'sit' on it. If I don't push,he can continuing seating on it.

That why, my delivery is the final date for all this. No more extension beyond it. After confirnement, I will go see the lawyer for necessary documents and end this once and for all. He can continue to be his filial son for all that I care.

 

[Queenbabe]

Haiz , dun be so angry .
Understand ur situation but what to do ?
If dun have his mother , u wont meet ur DH right

So ur mum can help u look after DD , tell ur DH cannot bring DD go .
Kids r too sensitive , somemore it will be very smoky & dusty there ..

 

[Ottermum]

Poor Cheyenne!!!!
I really understand your frustrations...cos i also stay with DH's family at the moment...(our flat's ready end aug this year can't wait!!)

Please spare a thought for your DH...imagine it's the other way round you are stuck in between your mum n him how do you think you would handle it?

Next time just be firm and DON'T GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO TELL YOU 'ENDURE FOR MY SAKE' those crap...

For example...just tell him straight on the face that DD's not going to tomb sweeping PERIOD!!! NO MEANS NO!!!

it's not good to chase MIL out la... but since it's your place just do n say what you deem fit...of course not to be rude to her she's your DH's mum after all...

maybe 1 day she's the one who can't take it n decides to move out??

ask yourself if you n DH still love each other why separate becos of others??

not worth it la...your children won't have a complete home....

now you gotta endure for your children sake...

 

[Daddy D]

Hmmm... just my point of view...
U n hubby communicating via SMS on this matter? Perhaps the lack of communication for the other matters kinda built up all these frustration...

I remember back when I was a kid, the cementry trip is like a "MUST" do thingy... cum relative gathering and catching-up sessions... perhaps that's where the older generation is coming from. Now less of these kinda bonds.

Even go swim or beach under hot sun... kid will also fall sick... like my DD... sick now after today's beach session... can blame on alot of things... the weather, the father, the mother...

when relationship is poor with in-laws, I think it's kinda hard to undo the damage... old ppl r very obstinate... cannot change their perceptions/mindsets... like cast into stone.

When it comes to divorce, only the kids will suffer at end of the day... all relationships suffer... lawsuits... custody...kids' lifestyle...etc. Once the damage is done, it's also cast into stone.

But if u think u can give your kids a better life on your own.... or your life will be better without your MIL/Hubby.... no one can change your mind.... but will they really disappear from your life? I doubt so....

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

This is not the first time, hubby is weak.

Things happen years back (long story). For the last 5 year, MIL being living with us under the same roof and till today, we never talk at all (not a word). We just treat each other transparent. Occassional, she will use her vulgurality on me. He still wants me to go on living like that for the next 5 years and more. I can't do it. Can you, if you are in my shoes?

This is real bad ... even as a man, I am of the opinion that your husband is weak. How could he even allow this situation to boil over for the last 5 years ... without even "adding a single drop of water or lowering the fire"?

Just like you have your own valid reasons to dislike your MIL's ways, I'm sure she has her own valid reasons for disliking you too.
But, by choosing to live on like an ostrich, your husband has seriously shown himself to be a very selfish person by being a very bad husband & a very bad son ... thinking along the same lines, I already can deduce that he's a very bad father too.

So how can such a set-up constitute a complete home, in the first place?
You must have contemplated long enough to come to this decision ... but how long have you been married in the first place?
I ask becoz this would decide if the separation is necessary & for how long ... this is critical becoz I'm not too sure if you will automatically get custody of your children (the newborn, yes ... but what about your other child?).

I suggest you look up a lawyer during your confinement to discuss all the possibilities & all your options ... before you throw in the towel on your husband. Do it only after you are sure of everything ... becoz once you start this journey, there is really no turning back.

If you do need the contact of a good divorce lawyer, just PM me.
:wink: :wink:

 

[Porukadotzu]

this tomb sweeping thing also quite bothering me... i heard yesterday mil saying my baby gal "can" go there..but to imagine small baby visit those cemetery in forrest waaahh!! even me as adult also difficult to go such places! last year i went there with my big tummy almost sliped... but my hubby's aunt happily bring her 3 kids (around 9yr - 6yr - 4yr), i mean i know its a good thing to be fillial to grand parents.. but the place to go is not really the appropriate place..! it's like in a small jungle up on a hill and need to use those parang to cut away branches..omg!

 

[Catty]

Lucky my mil will never let me (preggy) and my 2 yrs old DD to go Tomb Sweeping..

Maybe you should really cool down yourself first till when you finish your confinement and give you & your DH 1 month time to think everything properly first if in 1 month time he still did not make ways to settle all this matter than you just do whatever you want, just for the sake of your unborn baby give the daddy 1 last chance to settle things ba..

 

[actan1]

I dun really liek tomb sweeping... it is a chore to me... have been persuading my mom not to go this is some tradition that will not pass down thru me... If your hubby wants to go, let him go by all means but dun bring the baby along...

 

[Daddy D]

Hmm... seems like everyone thinks this is a CHORE now.... actually me 2.... I was stuck at the bishan place for 2 HRS... hot n stuffy.... aiyo....
Luckily my mum says DD no need to go... anyway not good for young kids to go to those place with urns.... so DW n DD stayed at home...
If temple with just the tablet, still ok.... in order now to stay for long....I always "teach" DD to tell her AH MA... say she's tired/hungry/thirsty/wants to leave.... then AH MA always relents n everyone can go back earlier!
So far it works! HAHA!

 

[yakii]

Ermm for me i dun find it a chores but i will not allow my young kid to go there....So far my DS went once(on a normal weekday) to pay respect to his great grandma and my late brother. On this type of cheng ming..NO WAY i will allow my DS to go...so smoky, so stingy and so crowded.

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

Guess I'm the only odd one out then ...
I actually bring my kiddos, along with my wife & my parents, when we go perform the Qing Ming obligations ... luckily, my grandparents' tombs have been respectively excavated & so, it means we just hafta go to 1 temple in CCK, 1 temple in Upper Changi & then, Mt Vernon ... all in one morning.

However, I seriously think we've lost focus of the real issue here: while the Qing Ming obligations happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back, there will be other back-breaking straws ... even if this one is resolved.

To me, it's very simple ... putting together 1 man & 1 woman, with vows of "in rich & in poor ... till death do us part" is already no simple task ... even when there is love & good sex to help the situation, simply becoz these 2 people could come from very different upbringing & environment.

Matters can only be worst when you put 2 women together ... especially when:
1) they are both from different eras ... but compelled to rule over the other
2) they are supposed to love ... & perhaps expected to share the same man

IMHO, if the man cuaght in between dun stamp his foot down & mediate things like a man is supposed to do ... then, he's only inviting trouble to stack up. At the end of it all, this stack is only gonna decend like an avalanche & crush everybody alike, including himself, his mum & his wife.
:brolleyes: :brolleyes:

 

[applebreeze]

Cheyenne, allow me to say some things. Although i'm not married, i can understand your position as a mum now jus wanting to protect your child. On the other hand, i guess the 'fighting' btw ur MIL and urself is taking a toll on ur DH so much so that 'not wanting to side either u or ur MIL' is his way of escaping.

Since you are feeling very pissed off now, jus wanna advice you dont make any decisions now since u r angry cos at times we make decisions that we regret when we r not in our normal state of mind. Cool down first and look at other possible options. Jus remember at e end of the day, think about why u n ur DH got tog and jus make sure that is the decision u want and dont regret it. I'm sure you still love ur DH it's jus that u r very frustrated over the situations now.

Whatever it is, clear your mind first. =)

 

[Cheyenne]

Dear All, thanks for your concern and trying to calm me down.

For Tomb sweeping - no other kids went, not even my hubby's brother 2 years old kid went. Why, cos both BIL & wife are firm enough to say no. MIL just want to 'show off' that got grand children going with her. She can easily say no to my DD and 'escape' when we get her busy. Hence, conclusion, hubby too weak to insist or stand firm.

For moving / not on talking terms - all these happy long ago, long story and it just built up over the years. It is just like a rotten apples in a basket, if you don't remove it, it will spread to other apples. Both DH and I saw how our DD is suffering eg. every night, she sleep @ past midnight, close to 1am. Why, because, she insisted MIL to bath for her before changing to PJ. I'm sure you will ask, why can't we do it ? Cos, DD scared Ah MA will be angry at her if we do so. See even my DD knows about the broken relationship.

And we can't scold DD when MIL is around when she is naughty,cos she will cry and MIL will quickly sayang her and said, no worry, no one can bully her grand children. This means I can't teach my DD, else, I'm pushing her further away from her and nearer to Ah Ma. And yet, how can a mummy ignore this and keep quiet when her child mis-behave ?

Of course, there are so many other incidents over these year. Hence, my decision was not made over night or just over this situations. Yes, I do agree that it is stupid to divorce over MIL, but this is the only way out of this nightmare of 5 over years. Yes, I can understand hubby being sandwich, but at least he should be firm at times and have his say instead of giving in all the time.

No matter what, DD is our child, not MIL child. I even went for counselling for a year plus, in the end, I tell myself, why am I wasting my $$ and time when the problem does not lie with me. I tried to get DH to go, he declined and said: not that he have an affair, why should be go ?

Separation is the only way to wake him up hard and serious. There is a high chance that I will won the custody as my pay is higher than him, my parent back ground are better too = better environment for child and I'm currently paying 70% of DD maintances (school fees, milk and some meals). Even now,coaching of school work is also done by me. If given a choice bwtween DH and I, DD will stick more closely to me.

 

[BbpHir3]

I did think of divorcing wib my DH b4.. but cuz of DD, i endured.. everytime i got angry.. he'll quarrel with mi juz as much.. den end of the day, when both of us r on the bed.. preparing to slp, continue-ing the cold war.. he'll juz sae sorry.. n sorry n sorry.. problem avoided, not solved.. the main thing is to solve the problem.. let's sae u get a divorce wib him.. the problem is still unsolved n when he decide to remarry after that, the one hu suffered will be our fellow women.. think bout it...??

i brought my DD to the tomb sweeping.. reason: 1> it's in m'sia ( chance to shop!!:001_302 2> the m'sia relatives nv c DD b4.. muz show face ( PIL's idea) 3> respect the dead.. so no choice haf to go.. my mum objected.. but still went, cuz need to buy DD's stuff.. (end up nv buy.. cuz we went cold storage.. not Jusco or Giant or alike.. prices higher than Sg's NTUC.. haiz...) for the next tomb sweeping.. i wun bring DD go ( my excuse of not goin oso).. DD now having cough, phlegm n running nose.. might b due to the dust n smoke.. sigh..

 

[Ottermum]

How about not having a divorce but staying separately?

If your mum's ok about it then don't go back after your confinement...stay at her place for good...

Best if your DD follows you...let your DH knows you really can't stand staying with his mum...let him stays with his mum alone lo...

either this or divorce tell him choose 1...

although i'd prefer you to endure for your children' sake but if you really can't take it anymore then maybe it'll make things easier by not staying together??

 

[Daddy D]

I think most of your problems arises from staying together with MIL.

If take MIL out of the equation...
- U have less relationship conflicts with MIL
- Your hubby no need everything listen to MIL
- Your DD no need scared of MIL
- U dun have to wait till MIL not around then scold DD
- You have more personal space

But of cos, I'm sure there's some reasons y u guys r staying with MIL, despite all these unhappiness.

All the best!
Do what you think is best for your kid

 

[Cheyenne]

Thanks All.

First of all, DH got this men pride (I have a strong pride too).Never say sorry.I can say what I want/think, he will just let it pass and hopefully never bring up again. When he can't take it, he just vent it out by hurting himsel (ever cut himself and show me the dried up lines on his arm, or told me he bang his head on the wall, now headache). Or keep quiet.

The thing is, if it is also so difficult for him, why not be brave and solve this once and for all ? rather then endure endure endure, till explode.

As for divorce, we need to have a separation period first (3 years, I believe), before we can actullay sign the paper for proper divorce.

Yes,I'm going back to my mum place for confinement. I very much like to bring DD,but can't cos :she would still be schooling.And DD had not spend a night at my mum place before (only did when she is 3 yrs, before school).Plus,she is so used to Ah Ma routine,afraid she can't cope, then I end up adding stress on her. Also, if I did,Ah Ma will not allow. Hence, the only way is thru legal channel to do so.

Also DD is due to enroll to P1 by June. I'm telling myself to play hard hearted and ignore these and let DH handle it by himself. I've already reminded him 3 times so far, to decided where (current place or my mum place) to enrol DD.

Staying with in law is ok, as long as they must know their limit and boundary ie. when to step in and when to step out. The younger generation are more open and understanding, they know when to excuse themselves. Too bad,my MIL falls into the very very old generation ie. super traditional,illerate,super protective.

Anyway, I'm just counting down the days to delivery and eventually end this. Any good lawyer to recommend me ? VroomVroom Boys ?

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

As for divorce, we need to have a separation period first (3 years, I believe), before we can actullay sign the paper for proper divorce.

This part ... depends on how long you have already been married.
If you can produce evidence that you've been to a counsellor ... then this period may be well shorten some more, as the 3-yr period is supposed to be for a "cool-off" effect, in case the decision was a spur-of-the-moment kind.

I very much like to bring DD,but can't cos :she would still be schooling.And DD had not spend a night at my mum place before (only did when she is 3 yrs, before school).Plus,she is so used to Ah Ma routine,afraid she can't cope, then I end up adding stress on her. Also, if I did,Ah Ma will not allow. Hence, the only way is thru legal channel to do so.

Like I pointed out before, I'm not so sure how things work for the separation period ... I suggest you make an appointment with the lawyers & have a thorough discussion on your current situation (basis for divorce) & your future prospects (expectations of divorce). After that, then you can make up your mind on what is the best course of action ... maybe it need be divorce after all, as one of the mummies have suggested.

Anyway, I'm just counting down the days to delivery and eventually end this. Any good lawyer to recommend me? VroomVroom Boys?

My ex-classmate owns the law firm, which I use for all my legal matters ... let me check on which staff of his is in the best position to help you. I'll PM you the contacts in good time ... standby. In the meantime, spend your energy on taking care of yourself, your baby & your daughter.
:wink: :wink: