What to do? Divorce, Separation or PPO?

[Newmumi]

Hi there friends, Im a FTWM , wid a 2yo old. Recently, there has been many quarrels leading to violence by my hubby. We are both in our early twenties. Loves story started at 17. Married at 19 and gave birth at 20. This was a planned pregnancy by hubby as both families rejected our r/s. Had gone for a abortion twice before giving birth to my son. First with my 1st love and 2nd with current hubby. 2nd abortion was due to his brother suicide,therefore had no choice. Exactly 1yr later after much trying , I got preggy and we let both families know . Financially , we both could afford having a child. After much objection, we still got married. We went through a hard time of shifting places, no family support , me making sure everything is ok. We have had many fights leading to bad violence in 2012,where he drag & whacked me out from my workplace till hubby was charged in court last yr for spousal abuse. This was reported by my father. Despite all this, I.kept withdrawing all my statements from police to safeguard him as I wanted a completed family for my son. Eventually he was let off with a warning and fine.. All our problems started with the issue of money. Hubby has a drinking addiction just like FIL. Talking abt his family, MIL & 1 BIL has passed away. We are not close and they don't care at all.

My parents have always supported me .however they are over defensive to the point that I cant make decisions except them including for my son. They do verbally abuse me and would say if I got killed or died, they would adopt my son and not passed it to hubby. I understand they are saying and doing all this out of the affection they have on me. But, I feel its too much at times. Back to my hell story, after I gave birth to my son in 2011,hubby only stayed with us till son was 3mths son. There was a big fight argumen, End up my mum & brother hit me. Hubby came out to help me resulting in mum getting hit by him accidently. You can imaginee what happen next? Police came, parents throw both of us out while they hold on to our son saying they will never return him back. After much talking, they took me in only. Hubby went back to his fathers place. I was always seeing to everything of my son while working. Hubby did contribute at times. We stayed separately for a year plus which was 2012.till I thought it was enough as I wanted to stay w hubby dearly. I couldn't tolerate how my parents treated me, alws asking money. My mum had helped to look after my son for 11 mths till I put him into childcare.

My over defensive father had also reported to MCYS that I was not doing my part as a mother and accuse us of not giving money for our son.. I was working as a sales manager and working long retail hours.It was totally shitty and keep wokring hard to earn more money! My parents added on more problems where I had to visit the mcys and fsc (family service centre) for the baseless allegations of neglecting the welfare of my son. Then I made my decision to move out with son and hubby but it lasted for a few mths as the rented place as soo dirty. Again found a place in sept last yr and stayed on till now. All the while, hubby stayed for 6 mths at his work place since he was not welcomed by his family.

This yr i had requested to resign due to the long hours. Instead was offered a position in office for office hours. We both were very happy all along till problems started. Hubby had stopped drinking 6 mths till he started this recent few mths from april. Now he had gotten worst that he doesnt contribute and here im at my wits end trying to oversee everything. Waking up at 6am, to and from sons sch, fetching him by 7pm, feeding him dinner ,putting him to sleep and going to sleep at 1 or 2am. Can u imagine how much struggle I had went through this 6 mths all by myself.? Hubby always gave reasons and was so lazy. He goes to work only when there's work(freelance job). The house rent of $800 , I even have to fork half of it. He takes a longer time to pay me back.

Recently this 2 days we kept fighting and end up in me getting hurt on my back. Poor son was stucked im between us and i think he will neber forget the incident. After I got hurt, I called my parents to move back. But they quickly rushed down and called the ambulance .I went to hosp to have a Xray done. Nothing is serious. He hasnt called to ask me anything right now. Ive shifted to my parents place w son. Inform landlord abt moving out and offset the deposit but they are tellinh me to pay the rent first amd next mth they would pay us back. I just resign my job on the same day i got hit, from the company ive been for few years as I couldnt cope with the pressure. I cant take it anymore. I dont share my problems to any1 and here im suffering. Hubby used to be so loving now he only cares abt himself.

Parents are asking me to take a PPO against him but im worried this would aggravate things. Hubby is hot tempered and never thinks of the consequences. He doesn't mind even he goes in. But ive started to doubt his attitude towards me since he keeps moving away from us. I dont feel the love anymore.. im soo sick and tired of this life . I really wish I could make things better. But Im not sure where is my direction. Now hes running away from all problems and putting it hard on me.

What shall I do? Proceed to make a PPO or stay separately till he reforms or file for divorce? I do see many of friends young as me having a happy family. I wish to have a complete 1.but I doubt I can have 1. I do love him soo much but he pushes me away.

Thank you for reading my story. Not here for any sympathy, but to share my sorrows. ; ((

 

[Newmumi]

We are in midst of getting our BTO flat which will be next yr 2013. Im not sure whether to cancel it and hubby is the first owner despite me having more cpf cos upon applying I was below 21 so used hubbys name. Now I want to change. Not sure whats the procedure and whether he will agree.

Haiz! What a life? Dreadful =_=

 

[nicepeople]

Hi Newmumi,

A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate behaviour like shouting, swearing, pushing, drunkenness, withholding of care, and etc
1. If your husband has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviours, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your life?
2. Remind yourself that relationship such unhealthy patterns/behavious will not subside or decline without some radical shift of your husband attitude and character. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviours will only grow. He has to before some change occurs or you can trust him again.
3. Remember that abusive person usually does not want to be exposed for the behaviour, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victim, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victim distorts reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with him of such behaviour – you will not, using reason, convince him to stop abusive behaviour. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behaviour will not cease.

So how should you handle this situation? No one can decide for you. You have to look at the pros and cons. If I’m in your position, I have no other choice but I need to make a radically shift and sometime difficult decision - to protect myself and my kid and health by not allowing all these things to get to me and cause depression.
Will he be upset because you file for PPO but you have to realize - he put himself in this situation because of the bad choices he made. He has to deal with his issues and get some help on his own. I didn’t wish to see you end up hurt, dead, or emotionally dead. Getting a PPO is self-respect and self-protect and it can be useful, for child custody if you want to file a divorce.

I‘m not a pro-divorce. However, you have nothing to gain or loss at this moment since you are not staying with him. Focus on your work and caring for your son. If he wants to return then you have to set some conditions for him, this can be done through a third party (such as a counsellor) to be the mediator. Don’t burn the bridge (marriage) leave it open… unless you are very very sure.

Just a word of encouragement… And when you are down, consider this. The more you get knocked down, the more experience you'll develop in getting back up. And that experience can take you surely and steadily to the top. At some point you'll get knocked down one time too many. After that point, it will be very difficult for anyone to keep you down for long. Are you down? Then you're ready -- ready and determined to move yourself up and make it stronger than every before.

 

[Newmumi]

Thank you for the advice nice people. Have been seeking advice lately by a psychologist. Im now on the recovery to pull myself up for the benefit of my son and also to strong.

I did told him I would take PPO as I cant tolerate this.anymore and he just told me he doesnt need me if I did that. I assume he has taken me as a fool all along abusing his authority as a husband. Now all I think its time for me to get up by my feet by mself and face all setbacks. Hes a man but hes running away from his problems and continues drinking thinking it will cure him. Ive given now his space to reform and analyse. I hope it will be a wake up call while we stay separately. Im ready for a counseling session but it take 2 hands to clap to salvage this marriage. I cant keep giving. We both have to give & take.

If its only giving, this is not love , just advantage. I still hope he will reform (wishful thinking) & come back to us.if it turns out worst, I will consider divorcing. No point saving a marriage with 2 minds thinking far apart.

 

[quincy1986]

my friend filed for PPO and her hubby went ahead to file for seperation. due to his pride, he was in denial that he hurt my friend. not sure if your hubby is the same.

 

[Newmumi]

Im not sure yet, but men in general have their high pride and ego which never changes. They will never forsake it even for family. I guess it will be the same for him as he always shifted all the blames on me - provoking,cursing swearing ,vulgarities blah blah blah.. Now thinking if I should just let him be and stay separately or just make PPO..

 

[nicepeople]

Hi Newmumi,

Maybe your husband will not be willing to go for counselling and I'm glad you are taking charge of your life. Start the process. If he is not willing to deal with the situation, you must deal with your own emotions and your own decisions. You are far more likely to make wise decisions if you get help of someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation. You cannot make someone deal with his problem but you can deal with your problems. The challenge of reality living is to take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and seek to do the most constructive thing in each of life’s difficult situations. This is the best approach for your own emotional and mental health. The truth is, no one else is in charge of how you feel. And that means, you are also not in charge of how anyone else feels. If you want to be free, empowered, at ease and peace, then it is necessary for you to take responsibility for your own feelings. Do it for your sake and your son.

Although, I happy that you are seeking advice from a psychologist, in my experienced, if you want to deal with your emotion and mood a counsellor is a better choice. A counsellor will help you to validate your negative feeling, communicating the deep hurt, pain, and anger you are going through and drain the trauma you are experiencing. PM me if you need a counsellor, he doesn't charge much and he often provides free if the person is facing some financial difficulty.

You are not helpless. You can and will take the steps needed to get through this difficult situation.

 

[edy]

You are still young TS, able to make money and has sense of responsibilities ... why would you want this useless husband of yours to drag you down and your son future?

I am very sure you do not want your son to grow up seeing his aggressive, drunk and violence father.

If i were you, I would divorce this drunkard and move forward with your own life and perhaps getting a tertiary education as well.

Be Strong and do the right thing! Staying on this marriage just because you want to give your son a "complete" family is a false hope.

 

[selp]

Actually given your very dangerous situation, I rather you be independant and rent a place on your own. Don't stay with abusive family. Your child will be affected negatively. Apply PPO if it can protect you and your son and if you are prepared to give up this r/s. It's not difficult. You sound like a potentially independant woman. You can do it and have already beeing doing most things yourself.

Otherwise, you will need to get a counsellor for your husband and yourself, together. Or a close friend who can help. But some friends may not help if it will trouble them too much.

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Well, I can only say as a mother, always think for the child. What type of environment would you want your child to grow up in? From there, I think you will be able to get the answer you need.

 

[Newmumi]

Thank you all for your concern and words of advise.

Im going through a difficult phase right now as my parents have told me to get out from their flat. When I told this to him, first he said we can find a room again to rent.but now he's telling me im treating him like a fool and making use of him for money. After quittin my job, ive yet to get another job after consistently going for interviews. Still not giving up yet. So far, im footing all the expenses of my son and mine but im going broke soon. I had asked him for $$ but he had only given me $50, giving me lots of reasons. He had been continuously asking for forgiveness since the last incident but I feel like he's not putting any effort to charge like cut his drinking, we haven met for 2 weeks since hes at work. I just found out he got paid over 1k for working a week and spend 500 within a day. Haiz upon questioning, he keeps saying im using him for money blah blah. What is even $50? Son has fallen sick and here im am looking after. He knows but hes saying at least i have a house to stay when hes staying at the street. I have a very soft when someone asks for forgiveness and cos of the love I have on him,I keep pushing the idea of taking a PPO to give him another chance. Now hes treating me like a fool after listening to all his friends.

The reason why my parents are chasing me and my son out is cos, they want to take control of my life - pushing me to get a PPO and divorce, I cant sleep too long since im at hme,dont like me disciplining my son, keep using MCYS to threaten me of taking away my son to give up for adoption.

Its getting too hard and I feel like running away from everyone.. everyday I feel like people around me are nightmares. Son cries everday asking for his dad.

 

[edy]

Your parents are doing the right thing for you.

At this point you have to listen to your parents! get a PPO and divorce.

If a man can not even provide, care and protect his family, this man deserves no one.

At this stage it is you to cause so much pain for yourself, your son and YOUR FAMILY!

Do something Girl and Be Strong. It is time to move forward.

Thank you all for your concern and words of advise.

Im going through a difficult phase right now as my parents have told me to get out from their flat. When I told this to him, first he said we can find a room again to rent.but now he's telling me im treating him like a fool and making use of him for money. After quittin my job, ive yet to get another job after consistently going for interviews. Still not giving up yet. So far, im footing all the expenses of my son and mine but im going broke soon. I had asked him for $$ but he had only given me $50, giving me lots of reasons. He had been continuously asking for forgiveness since the last incident but I feel like he's not putting any effort to charge like cut his drinking, we haven met for 2 weeks since hes at work. I just found out he got paid over 1k for working a week and spend 500 within a day. Haiz upon questioning, he keeps saying im using him for money blah blah. What is even $50? Son has fallen sick and here im am looking after. He knows but hes saying at least i have a house to stay when hes staying at the street. I have a very soft when someone asks for forgiveness and cos of the love I have on him,I keep pushing the idea of taking a PPO to give him another chance. Now hes treating me like a fool after listening to all his friends.

The reason why my parents are chasing me and my son out is cos, they want to take control of my life - pushing me to get a PPO and divorce, I cant sleep too long since im at hme,dont like me disciplining my son, keep using MCYS to threaten me of taking away my son to give up for adoption.

Its getting too hard and I feel like running away from everyone.. everyday I feel like people around me are nightmares. Son cries everday asking for his dad.

 

[Newmumi]

I know the decision lies on me. Its easier said than done since I chose this upon myself. At times, I do feel that I dont need this marriage. But, like I said I have no one to share my problems with.

You might think that what my parents means is right. But I've sucha a horrible life living with them since I was 14. They have neither supported me during my teen years financially and nor given me the moral support I needed when I was down. Till now even though ive gotten good praises by outsiders, they do condemn me and demoralize me. If I choose to divorce, I can see myself suffering more than how I am now. They are wishing for me to commit suicide and each day they curse me with vulgar language. It feels so shit. Is it my fault for getting married young and giving birth? I do contribute to the household $300 yet they demand more when I used to earn only less than 2k.

I have to tolerate till im stable in a job.meanwhile, ive to depend on whatever amount he gives me since I cant ask my parents. I dont wish to any my problems to theirs. Thus im not escalating to the worst scenario of divorce.

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

Sad to hear of the way your family is treating you, but is there any reason why are they so hostile to you since young? Could it be something you had done? I mean, im not so sure about your background, but if you really felt suppressed in such a family, have you look for any social welfare help? Maybe these are the pple who can really help you. You are still young, looking for job shouldn't be a prob, just that now is coming to last quarter of the yr, a lot of companies had stopped recruitment. But nonetheless, you still can try. As for your hubby, we as outsiders cannot say much too, coz we aren't in that relationship and only you know the best yourself. Solve the most urgent prob 1st bah, then slowly solve the rest.

 

[Newmumi]

Hi Fisherman friend,

My parents esp my father is very over defensive to the point that im unable to voice out. Thus,I found solace in friends and got acquainted w many sorts of people. I was a rebellious kid, staying out late at nights w girl friends, drinking , smoking but still schooling. They have always abuse the authority of MCYS to threaten me resulting in me going to girls home and probation etc. I did realise it was enough so at 17 I was quite focus in studying and went on to further. But thereafter met hubby, dropout halfway of banking studies lose interest, found a job worked hard , got married , supported myself and now still trying to handle all setbacks.

My parents are angry cos they were against my marriage,rebelling against them,to them money matters the most so when I got my first job earning 1k, they expect me to only keep 300 and the rest is theirs. I regularly fought w them cos they would always accuse me of being a prostitute when I stayed over night and they totally had no trust on me. My parents have very high expectations as most of my relatives have good statuses. Ever since den I have not spoken to my relatives and I stay as far as possible.

 

[edy]

Yes i know it is easier said than done. Do not let all these bring you down.

Please do not even think about committing suicide. Life is precious

With a baby and less than 2K salary a month is going to be a tough situation for you.

Are you still smoking? Are you able to quit?

Have you work out a budget planning?

Who is taking care of your son right now?

How much is your room rental right now?

 

[Newmumi]

Yes i know it is easier said than done. Do not let all these bring you down.

Please do not even think about committing suicide. Life is precious

With a baby and less than 2K salary a month is going to be a tough situation for you.

Are you still smoking? Are you able to quit?

Have you work out a budget planning?

Who is taking care of your son right now?

How much is your room rental right now?

Never have I ever contemplated suicide nor will for the sake of my precious toddler son. The reason why I stand strong and work hard. I took a vow to change in becoming a better mum. So no hanky panky - Drinking & smoking quit since I was preggy Already on budget and keeping my limitations. Son goes to childcare mon - fri. Used to be paying $800 monthly for almost a yr (open market)when together w hubby and son till we just moved out early this july. Awaiting rental deposit by previous landlord. Upon shifting back to parents place, paid $300 just for lodging. No food. I can easily get a job in retail due to my experience and communication skills but due to the lack of support from family, I have to find a office job in admin with a pay cut resulting with low salary. Sigh. Soo sian!

Thanks for your kind words. Staying strong and optimistic

 

[nicepeople]

Today, tomorrow, or in the next few days a difficult challenge will come along. What will you see in it? What will be your first reaction? Will you look at it as an unfortunate setback, or will you find in it the opportunity to grow and to move yourself ahead? So far, you have made it through every challenge you ever faced. And though they were often difficult, those challenges ended up strengthening you. Now those past challenges number among your most valuable experiences. When you're confronted with a challenge, refuse to let it intimidate you. Instead, look ahead to the other side. See and understand the very real value of pushing yourself through that challenge, of rising to the challenge, of learning what it has to teach, of becoming strong enough to transcend it.
Life is difficult and life is worth every difficulty. Even if your troubles were multiplied by ten or by one hundred, they would not exceed in magnitude the joy, the beauty, the possibilities, the experience of being alive. The only reason troubles come along is because life has already come along. It would be impossible to even recognize any difficulty if you did not have the extreme blessing of being alive with which to compare that difficulty. Accept the difficulties, work your way through them. When it seems you cannot go on, go on. When you're exhausted, get some rest. Then get back up and keep on going. Choose to make triumph rise from tragedy. Choose to make every defeat a temporary one on the way to ultimate victory. Every opportunity to be a victim is also an opportunity to move ahead. Take heart. You are better than anything which could bring you down. Let the troubles and difficulties move you forward as they are there to do.

Love you mom!

 

[Newmumi]

Thank you for your encouraging words and believing in me. I appreciate it.

Yes, I agree w you this is life, life has many setbacks and challenges to be faced. Im prepared to face and overcome no matter how I fall. Transition and change are a part of life and the human experience. All of life is ever changing. I wanna work towards a better life for us.

Today, tomorrow, or in the next few days a difficult challenge will come along. What will you see in it? What will be your first reaction? Will you look at it as an unfortunate setback, or will you find in it the opportunity to grow and to move yourself ahead? So far, you have made it through every challenge you ever faced. And though they were often difficult, those challenges ended up strengthening you. Now those past challenges number among your most valuable experiences. When you're confronted with a challenge, refuse to let it intimidate you. Instead, look ahead to the other side. See and understand the very real value of pushing yourself through that challenge, of rising to the challenge, of learning what it has to teach, of becoming strong enough to transcend it.
Life is difficult and life is worth every difficulty. Even if your troubles were multiplied by ten or by one hundred, they would not exceed in magnitude the joy, the beauty, the possibilities, the experience of being alive. The only reason troubles come along is because life has already come along. It would be impossible to even recognize any difficulty if you did not have the extreme blessing of being alive with which to compare that difficulty. Accept the difficulties, work your way through them. When it seems you cannot go on, go on. When you're exhausted, get some rest. Then get back up and keep on going. Choose to make triumph rise from tragedy. Choose to make every defeat a temporary one on the way to ultimate victory. Every opportunity to be a victim is also an opportunity to move ahead. Take heart. You are better than anything which could bring you down. Let the troubles and difficulties move you forward as they are there to do.

Love you mom!

 

[mmy_lizz]

Thank you for your encouraging words and believing in me. I appreciate it.

Yes, I agree w you this is life, life has many setbacks and challenges to be faced. Im prepared to face and overcome no matter how I fall. Transition and change are a part of life and the human experience. All of life is ever changing. I wanna work towards a better life for us.

newmumi, way to go! really.
indeed very strong & keep going.

if you are interested, Suria Mohd(Nutritionist) Team is doing some recruiting SAHM to get income with freedom. She herself is one & a successful one.
I can only think of that to help u.. i also went to her also when im at my end wits. Let me know..