Who to compromise?

[Koala bear mummy]

Latest update from my sis last night, she was at his hubby's house. His mum just came back and she enter their room to chat wit them, so my sis ask her hubby to bring up the subject. He started by saying nicely my sis' parents are asking for the few items fr customary. You know what his mum reply straightaway? 'Anything you need tell my son can already , he will pay for everything....' ' N 1 more thing ar, no need to meet up with your parents , just tell him what you all want and he will converse it to me.'
WTF IS THIS mother in law TRYING TO SAY MAN??!!!

How can she treat my sis and my parents with such great disrespect? It is just basic courtesy to meet up with my parents to discuss bout the items what. Not that my parents are non-negotiable bout it. Now things are like that, how to even sit down with them and discuss amicably? Gosh.....

Frankly, this is first time I heard in-laws don't want to meet. This is a well established formality. Your sis should find out what is the issue / problem with her prospective pil. NOt a good start lor.

 

[applebreeze]

Frankly, this is first time I heard in-laws dont't want to meet. This is a well established formality. Your sis should find out what is the issue / problem with her prospective parent in law. NOt a good start .

Yes that's right. She is obviously making things difficult for everybody. My sis is damn upset right now. All she wanted was to have the customary as a form of respect for both side family, morever my grandmother is still around too. The more customary has to be there. Dunno what all tis ppl are thinking.

 

[diymummy]

What is your sis' future hubby's take on all this? As in what does he think abt the whole situation?

 

[applebreeze]

What is your sis' future hubby's take on all this? As in what does he think about the whole situation?

My future bro in law's take on this is very simple. He is willing to go as wat my family wants. He is very willing to do tt cos all he wants is to marry my sis, take care of her, love her all his life. But he also does not understand why his mum is like tt. My parents now are very unhappy over his mum's remarks.

 

[diymummy]

I think it's good that your sis' hubby-to-be is on her side.

Since his mum is so unreceptive abt this whole customary thing, how abt asking the hubby-to-be to talk to his own mum to ask why she is reacting that way?

It could be something stupid like menopause. If she is still unreceptive, then the hubby-to-be might want to consider buying the GDL things on his own expense.

Feel that GDL things from the in-laws side is a form of respect, yes. But if the parents are unwilling to buy and the hubby-to-be is, then so be it. Still need to give the cakes out and stuff because it's a form a celebrative annoucement on the girl's side when your parents go to your relatives to give out the cakes.

As for Si Dian Jing, yes, the mil should buy and put it on for your sis as a symbol of accepting her into the family. But if the mil feels that a bangle will do, so be it.

 

[apollo]

I think it's good that your sis' hubby-to-be is on her side.

Since his mum is so unreceptive about this whole customary thing, how about asking the hubby-to-be to talk to his own mum to ask why she is reacting that way?

It could be something stupid like menopause. If she is still unreceptive, then the hubby-to-be might want to consider buying the GDL things on his own expense.

Feel that GDL things from the in-laws side is a form of respect, yes. But if the parents are unwilling to buy and the hubby-to-be is, then so be it. Still need to give the cakes out and stuff because it's a form a celebrative annoucement on the girl's side when your parents go to your relatives to give out the cakes.

As for Si Dian Jing, yes, the mother in law should buy and put it on for your sis as a symbol of accepting her into the family. But if the mother in law feels that a bangle will do, so be it.

i agree with u but i feel that now the pro no longer lies on whether inlaws or the hubby is paying. is the inlaws' attitude towards the bride's family.. and i feel that IF the mil dont gif the bride si dian jin, it's OKAY. cos end of the end, the mil will lose face and not the bride. =)

 

[diymummy]

i agree with you but i feel that now the pro no longer lies on whether inlaws or the hubby is paying. is the inlaws' attitude towards the bride's family.. and i feel that IF the mother in law dont give the bride si dian jin, it's OKAY. cos end of the end, the mother in law will lose face and not the bride. =)

Yeah I agree with you that the mil will be the one losing face because she didn't buy the Si Dian Jin.

And also agree that the problem now is with the in-laws attitude. The hubs would need to ask his mum what in the world she is thinking.

I feel some parents feel very insecure abt "losing" their son to another woman. They cannot let go so they make life difficult for their daughter in law. And if the parent is the money minded type even worse. They will feel that the daughter in law is sucking the son's money. So the son would have a hard life trying to reassure the mother in terms of allowances and stuff like that.

 

[Koala bear mummy]

Yeah I agree with you that the mother in law will be the one losing face because she didn't buy the Si Dian Jin.

And also agree that the problem now is with the in-laws attitude. The hubs would need to ask his mum what in the world she is thinking.

I feel some parents feel very insecure about "losing" their son to another woman. They cannot let go so they make life difficult for their daughter in law. And if the parent is the money minded type even worse. They will feel that the daughter in law is sucking the son's money. So the son would have a hard life trying to reassure the mother in terms of allowances and stuff like that.

Good suggestion. Better ask the son to go find out what's brewing on his parents' minds. We don't want to second guess people rite.

I also experienced the 'insecurities' of parents for fear of 'losing' their son to the new young woman. It is unfortunate and can cause misunderstandings, misgivings and unhappiness. Even fathers can be possessive over their sons like in my hubby's case. Anyway, say some more and I will be sidetracking.

Good luck to the sister though. Prospective inlaws not friendly obviously and it will do her good if she will prepare herself for such future interactions.

 

[applebreeze]

Good suggestion. Better ask the son to go find out what's brewing on his parents' minds. We dont't want to second guess people rite.

I also experienced the 'insecurities' of parents for fear of 'losing' their son to the new young woman. It is unfortunate and can cause misunderstandings, misgivings and unhappiness. Even fathers can be possessive over their sons like in my hubby's case. Anyway, say some more and I will be sidetracking.

Good luck to the sister though. Prospective inlaws not friendly obviously and it will do her good if she will prepare herself for such future interactions.

I have advised my sis to move out, get their own home. With a MIL like tis i dun tink she can survive long. When they have their children in the future, my mum will do the confinement for her. Help her out with their baby. Her MIL told her before, next time if got baby already, dont ask her for help because she dun have the energy to look after a baby. blah tis blah that... I seriously tink she does not like my sis. I heard from my sis also that the MIL dun like her elder daughter in law too. But lucky they smart, got married already moved out to their new flat.

 

[Ting]

if i m your sis, i will ask my hubby, u want me or your family?
no respect for my family then how to marry? like tt if i marry in, then how much respect will i get?
the future MIL is really TOO MUCH.
if i were her, i will just go ahead n marry n not invite them n whatsoever.
i'm like stonston's pattern. hehe, they dun even hv to know my child's existance then no nonsense from them.
now they r like tt, next time marry alr will be worst!!
she will hv more problems when she hv kids too!

 

[diymummy]

If your sis and bro-in-law can move out before getting married. That is the best.

 

[apollo]

Yeah I agree with you that the mother in law will be the one losing face because she didn't buy the Si Dian Jin.

And also agree that the problem now is with the in-laws attitude. The hubs would need to ask his mum what in the world she is thinking.

I feel some parents feel very insecure about "losing" their son to another woman. They cannot let go so they make life difficult for their daughter in law. And if the parent is the money minded type even worse. They will feel that the daughter in law is sucking the son's money. So the son would have a hard life trying to reassure the mother in terms of allowances and stuff like that.

yup i agree!! v funny lorr, they seems to forget they are once ppl's dil too! why now make things diffi for others??

I have advised my sis to move out, get their own home. With a mother in law like tis i dont tink she can survive long. When they have their children in the future, my mum will do the confinement for her. Help her out with their baby. Her mother in law told her before, next time if got baby already, dont ask her for help because she dont have the energy to look after a baby. blah tis blah that... I seriously tink she does not like my sis. I heard from my sis also that the mother in law dont like her elder daughter in law too. But lucky they smart, got married already moved out to their new flat.

then ask ur sis dont wry at all... cos the pro really lies on her mil.. both DILs cant please her?? i think she is very hard to please, tt's y...

and tell her to be glad that her mil does NOT want to help her look aft her future babies.. lik tt will prevent conflicts and she can bring up her children the way she wants..

if i m your sis, i will ask my hubby, you want me or your family?
no respect for my family then how to marry? like that if i marry in, then how much respect will i get?
the future mother in law is really TOO MUCH.
if i were her, i will just go ahead n marry n not invite them n whatsoever.
i'm like stonston's pattern. hehe, they dont even have to know my child's existance then no nonsense from them.
now they are like that, next time marry already will be worst!!
she will have more problems when she have kids too!

i agree.. applebreeze, things will also get worse aft getting married unless ur sis n of cos ur family stand firm since her inlaws-to-be has totally no respect for ur family!

u see, some mil n dil get along SO WELL b4 the baby is born, but once the baby is born, conflicts come, mil's pattern all shoot out one by one...

 

[Koala bear mummy]

I have advised my sis to move out, get their own home. With a mother in law like tis i dont tink she can survive long. When they have their children in the future, my mum will do the confinement for her. Help her out with their baby. Her mother in law told her before, next time if got baby already, dont ask her for help because she dont have the energy to look after a baby. blah tis blah that... I seriously tink she does not like my sis. I heard from my sis also that the mother in law dont like her elder daughter in law too. But lucky they smart, got married already moved out to their new flat.

Horrid future/mil. Since she's so obvious, your sis also don't need to give too much face. Some people you have to be tough back. The last time my pil were strong in their comments, I did not say anything or show any sour face but 'disappeared' for almost 3 months. My hubby stayed with me and did not visit his parents altho I told him to. My inlaws eventually sent fruits and flowers on my b-day (which was a surprise).

Some people really ' jing jiu bu he, he fa jiu.' (Don't take toasted drink, take punitive drink)

 

[apollo]

Horrid future/mother in law. Since she's so obvious, your sis also dont't need to give too much face. Some people you have to be tough back. The last time my parent in law were strong in their comments, I did not say anything or show any sour face but 'disappeared' for almost 3 months. My hubby stayed with me and did not visit his parents altho I told him to. My inlaws eventually sent fruits and flowers on my b-day (which was a surprise).

Some people really ' jing jiu bu he, he fa jiu.' (dont't take toasted drink, take punitive drink)

wow~~ at least ur inlaws sensed sth not right... cos some elderly thinks tt they are older so DIL MUST respect them.. but to me, if u wan ppl to respect u, then have to respect others 1st =)

 

[CocoaBear]

Ask the future husband to buy and give si dian jin? Never heard of mother in law bully daughter in law, only heard daughter in law bully mother in law. Only old old days will be the other way round.

 

[Funz]

Me teochew and hubby cantonese. I did not get si dian jin, I got si dian zuan. LOL. But all paid for by hubby cos PILs... haiz dun tok lah.

Anyways, for us, most of the stuff are represented by ang baos. For us, we manage to smoothen the dowry exchange thing by paying for most of the required items that either parents dun agree with ourselves. So for those that both agree to provide, fine, those the either party wants but the other party dun agree, DH and I get. Like that everyone got what they wanted and we get to go through the whole dowry exchange with minimal issues or so we thought.

Weddings.... *shivers*

 

[swee]

Was reading all the posts... So funny.. Now still so traditional one ah...

So heng.. my PIL and my mum all very shui bian... My mum did not ask for anything and my pil did not insist that they send anything over...

in the end, my pil paiseh.. ask my hubby to put 2K into angbao and give my mum... she was so surprised that she dono what to do with it..

My mum did not ask for her "share" during wedding dinner and my pil also did not ask for any "share" in the angbaos for the dinner... instead my pil gave us 25k for dinner, house & honeymoon...

 

[ahpei]

Hi all,

I like to post this situation on behalf of my sister who's experiencing it.
She is getting married next year. To save cost, she and her hubby are gonna have a wedding buffet lunch cum solemnization at a bungalow chalet instead of wedding dinner. Itinerary is morning customary and follow by wedding lunch in the noon.

The problem now lies with the customary, it is gonna be done out of respect for both side of parents. My sister is cantonese so roast pig is a must have from the guy's side. The guy's side is teochews, so to them 'si dian jin' is a must have for their daughter in law right? If they give also symbolises that they accept her into the family and shows they can get along right. But the thing is when my sis tried to bring tis up to her future in laws, the mum especially changed subject saying when the guy's elder brother got married last yr, she only gave a gold bracelet during the tea ceremony. But to my family's and many ppl's perception, tea ceremony and the bride dowry is a different issue, isnt it?

My sis came back to us and told us what happened, my mum was saying to her, She dont want to give 'si dian jin', nvm. But next time when my sis married into the family, the mother in law cannot bully her in any way. Is this true?

Now my sister and her hubby is very vexed over tis issue. They want both parents to see down and talk bout the terms. My parents are willing to minimize the items if they have a budget. But the guy's parents' attitude really sucks. The items that my parents want for my sister are:

- roast pig
- guo da li
- si dian jin

I wanna ask, are these things too much to ask for from a cantonese family?

Dear all,

I need your opinion on this and some solutions. My future brother in law is also fed up wit his parents. to the point he says, if they refuse to compromise, he will ROM wit my sis and fly off to honeymoon. No celebration at all. This is really upsetting many ppl. Pls advice.

i am from a hakka/cantonese family... my hubby is from a hokkien family. they are not well off, and his parents did not even able to buy his own house.

we ROM first, and didn't have a grand ceremony... after that, we went to JB and spent a few hundreds Singapore Dollars to take our wedding photos... when his parents asked us to prepare for a grand banquet to be held in his hometown, and yes, with LOANs, my parents told my hubby that we should not waste our money.. if we are tight, my parents don't mind not having anything...

my hubby didn't need to spend any effort to convince my parents, with reasons why we didn't want to have any banquet.. but he spent a very very very long time convincing his own parents... of course, they quarreled many times during discussion... even when his grandparents can understand his plight, his own parents can't.

oh ya.. when we ROM, i only got a necklace from his mom.. and i think, it's my hubby who paid for it... and thereafter, nothing.

 

[helenkong]

wow, after hearing u guys' stories make me feel shivers.

My ex husband is Hokkien, and i'm Fook Chao. Perhaps not many of you ever heard of my ethnic.
Hokkien and Fook Chao is quite similar which it is a must to have Si dian Jing, some kueh, some clothes- red, some furniture,and etc.

Fook Chao is consider expansive in traditional wedding.
During my wedding discussion, of coz both sides of parents met, and discuss the details.
They dun really know what is fook chao is and then they said they follow girls' side traditional. So be it.
Then, they slowly realized that Fook Chao actually have lots of things...thus, I am a christian. Of coz most of it already cut nearly half.
For Fook chao is, Men pay ALL for girl.
Girl just have to wait and get marry. That's all.
My dad is the one who arrange everything the things like below to request:
1) Ping jing (Money to "ding"- if not mistaken, my dad asked for RM 100k.)
2) Banquet ( 30 tables+ extra 10 tables)
3) some Kueh. ( at least 100 boxes- give relatives)-my family is big...so...T.T
4) wardrobe, dressing table, and of coz a bed.( Normally its already there when u got married, but for us- Bed can be exceptional. Thus, wardrobe and dressing table are must for girls. Cannot share with husband-like the wardrobe. )
5) clothes- Red.
6) the rest cant remember d. BUt the things above is a must. Cannot skip.

So at 1st they tot rm 100k is kinda reasonable for us as they tot its including - banquet, wardrobe, dressing table, and etc.
But, unfortunately its not. That one is only Ping Jing. @.@ Expensive...right?
Well, lucky my ex hubby is kinda rich. So they also dun wan so troublesome and accept everything that we have requested.
Thus, my dad is kinda big fish too...as he planned nicely of what he wants. Actually he also even tag along the wedding presents like ang mo which they wish their friends to buy for the couples. = =
Of coz, Chinese dun have such thing la...dunno you guys got o not.
All and all, my dad requested only 1 time and they did it all. Quite satisfied with the whole thing.
But about si dian jing, my MIL didnt give me. She claims that she already gave me too much from expected. I guess she have the right to do so...although Si dian jing means a symbol of recognize as part of the family.
But anyway, i adi divorce. I took away the wardrobe, dressing tables and many more from that house.

In thier family, indeed if u didnt receive si dian jing, they cannot bully. U can fought back with them and say " You have no right to talk to me like that...If wanna talk, talk about si dian jing lar....U guys dun even give me si dian jing...what face u wan to talk to me..?" of coz, my mother teach me one...

So, i guess your sister should stand strong. try to persuade Bro in law to talk with his parents. Try to negotiate...explain the facts if they dun do so. If not, ur sister n bro in law will be very hard to sustain unless they moved out.
Even though they did moved out, the issue is still there.

 

[apollo]

wow, after hearing you guys' stories make me feel shivers.

My ex husband is Hokkien, and i'm Fook Chao. Perhaps not many of you ever heard of my ethnic.
Hokkien and Fook Chao is quite similar which it is a must to have Si dian Jing, some kueh, some clothes- red, some furniture,and etc.

Fook Chao is consider expansive in traditional wedding.
During my wedding discussion, of coz both sides of parents met, and discuss the details.
They dont really know what is fook chao is and then they said they follow girls' side traditional. So be it.
Then, they slowly realized that Fook Chao actually have lots of things...thus, I am a christian. Of coz most of it already cut nearly half.
For Fook chao is, Men pay ALL for girl.
Girl just have to wait and get marry. That's all.
My dad is the one who arrange everything the things like below to request:
1) Ping jing (Money to "ding"- if not mistaken, my dad asked for RM 100k.)
2) Banquet ( 30 tables+ extra 10 tables)
3) some Kueh. ( at least 100 boxes- give relatives)-my family is big...so...T.T
4) wardrobe, dressing table, and of coz a bed.( Normally its already there when you got married, but for us- Bed can be exceptional. Thus, wardrobe and dressing table are must for girls. Cannot share with husband-like the wardrobe. )
5) clothes- Red.
6) the rest cant remember d. BUt the things above is a must. Cannot skip.

So at 1st they thought rm 100k is kinda reasonable for us as they thought its including - banquet, wardrobe, dressing table, and etc.
But, unfortunately its not. That one is only Ping Jing. @.@ Expensive...right?
Well, lucky my ex hubby is kinda rich. So they also dont want so troublesome and accept everything that we have requested.
Thus, my dad is kinda big fish too...as he planned nicely of what he wants. Actually he also even tag along the wedding presents like ang mo which they wish their friends to buy for the couples. = =
Of coz, Chinese dont have such thing ...dont know you guys got o not.
All and all, my dad requested only 1 time and they did it all. Quite satisfied with the whole thing.
But about si dian jing, my mother in law didnt give me. She claims that she already gave me too much from expected. I guess she have the right to do so...although Si dian jing means a symbol of recognize as part of the family.
But anyway, i adi divorce. I took away the wardrobe, dressing tables and many more from that house.

In thier family, indeed if you didnt receive si dian jing, they cannot bully. you can fought back with them and say " You have no right to talk to me like that...If wanna talk, talk about si dian jing ....you guys dont even give me si dian jing...what face you want to talk to me..?" of coz, my mother teach me one...

So, i guess your sister should stand strong. try to persuade Bro in law to talk with his parents. Try to negotiate...explain the facts if they dont do so. If not, your sister n bro in law will be very hard to sustain unless they moved out.
Even though they did moved out, the issue is still there.

WOW!!! RM100K is ALOT!!!!! my parents didnt request any ping jin, but my hubby got gif a small amount yi si yi si.. but my mum only take ard 5% of it and return the rest in an angbao to my hubby.. my relatives asked y dont she take 95% and return the 5% back? my mum said cos they have given those 'impt' and traditional things tt my family requested alrdy.. haha