irresponsible baby's father?

[sunburst]

When we had our 1st kid, hubby did not dare to carry or look after bb at all... He had to be taught from basics and even supervised all the time. He only got the hang of it after bb was abt 4mths. When we just had our 2nd kid, he was a confidant daddy who helped look after bb from day 1. But of course he needs to be reminded & supervised once in a while coz he is not as consecitious as my mum or me.

We are both working, but I make him do all the night feeds... Coz I did most of it for our 1st kid. Nonetheless I still have the habit of waking up a few times at night to check both my kids are ok (too cold, too hot, tangled in blanket etc)

 

[shiyi]

thanks man..
yest brought back so much work home to do..
goot thing that he noticed im tired, and volunteered to wake up when the bb cries in the middle of the nite..
bb woke up for almost 10 times cos shes coughing!

 

[apollo]

thanks man..
yest brought back so much work home to do..
goot thing that he noticed im tired, and volunteered to wake up when the baby cries in the middle of the nite..
baby woke up for almost 10 times cos shes coughing!

this is a good start!! actu ur hubby is a good hub and father, he just nd time to learn. give him chances to learn. i'm sure aft last night, he will be more willing to try to tc ur girl more. =)

 

[meiteoh]

Why don't you talk to him and encourage him to play a more proactive role as a father and get to know his child? I feel that it's unfair for us to say that men don't know how to handle babies when we don't help them at all. We have the edge over our husbands because of our pregnancy and other factors like the time we spend with them, breastfeeding and so forth. So why not share what we know with them? Sometimes their concerns are valid like scared they'll hurt the baby and so forth. It's normal - babies look fragile and it takes time for someone to adjust to this new addition. They shouldn't feel pressured into doing it yet they shouldn't be left to think that it's okay not to do anything. Communicating positively helps a lot (if only I knew how to explain that in detail!).

My hubby too was unsure of what to do with Eva when I gave birth to her. He had trouble coping in the first week after we came back from the hospital and sometimes he'd complain as if to scold himself, wondering why he cannot stop her from crying or if he's a lousy father. I continue to encourage him and tell him that he shouldn't think like that, he just needs time and patience. I actually MAKE my hubby change Eva's diapers, wake up in the middle of the night just to carry her to me for feeding and then back to her room, change her diaper and put her to bed. When he's around, I MAKE him give her baths, take care of her and play with her. I close my eye to certain things which he doesn't do that well and tell myself that at least he's doing something. I share with him my little tips and secrets on how to pacify her, what she likes and so forth. For example, when she was about two to three months old and my hubby was working late all the time, Eva used to cry whenever he carried her and try to put her to sleep, so I'd share with him what I knew worked for me.

True enough, things got much better for him. Now he complains when he doesn't spend enough time with her. When he works late, I'll call him and let him talk to her on the phone - she can't say anything but she can hear his voice and she knows. In fact, last night, when she heard him over the phone, she went "Papa" and when he asked her what she was doing, she went "Mum mum".

Sometimes we need to remember that our husbands too need a little encouragement and guidance to become fathers. Learning together, like apollo said, not only helps your husband build a good relationship with his children but also helps to solidify your marriage and help you both to grow as a couple.

 

[pineappletart]

im embarassed to say i can't wake up for my son night feeds. Is always my hubby who wakes up for our son night feeds. in fact, my hubby sometimes 'blame' me cos he's so tired the next day since both of us got to work. So we take turns for our son's night feed.

hmmm... actually me too.

reason being:

- he does not have a 9-5 job (free time) which I think this reason is good enough :001_302: he can afford to sleep late~~ I have to start work at 9am workplace at Jurong and I live in Yishun)

- he can sleep RIGHT AWAY after feeding our baby (he's a deep sleeper) where as once Im up, it'll take some time for me to fall asleep again, say 30 mins or so. sometimes up to an hour.

weekends wise, this routine remains the same cause baby will be up around 7am, then Ill be the one who'll wake up and take care of baby. and he'll continue to sleep till 10am or so. so I think it's pretty fair.

but recently he complained to SIL that he does multiple feeds at night. (WAH, to be honest I feel like stuffing a banana in his mouth!) wth! :err:

when I return home from work (some days 1 plus some days 5 plus), my mom will let me bath and nap a while then I'll take care of baby all the way till he comes home around 10-11pm. then I'll need to wake up at 7am. I think its pretty fair. :wong10:

 

[adriniu]

Oh your hubby is ang mo... because last time my client hubby also ang mo... they like party also even when they have kids... i think maybe is time for you to talk to him... now is the chance to be more stay home... but i think it depends too.. because not all ang mo like that...

Hello! I have friends who are married to ang mos and while i agree that not all ang mos are like that, i feel that most of them are so because I guess it's their lifestyle and the way that they were brought up. Sometimes, while managing the additional role of being a father, they still want to keep their current lifestyle. I guess its best to ease them into their new role without making them feel pressured. Talk to him to let him know how you feel. If he is the sort of guy who may get defensive or feel that you are "accusing" him of not being hands-on, why not write him an email? Email gives him time to think thru what you wrote about ur feelings and give him time to response. Sometimes, face to face talks, kind forces one to have to respond immediately and the talk may not be as effective. Since he is a new father, from a friend's experience, best not to constantly remind him that he is not hands-on as this may generate negative feelings and instead of him wanting to perform his fatherly duties genuinely, he may doing it out of obligation and feel stifled by fatherhood instead, which in the long term, in my opinion, not good.

 

[lynnie85]

Usually mummy is the one who gave and sacrifice more...it's never whether fair anot...Just do what you can and I believe you are doing great now...try to communicate with him and let him know you really need help as you need rest too... if it still doesn't work, perhaps you may have to consider helper to help you so that at least it will lessen your burden

 

[meiteoh]

Hello! I have friends who are married to ang mos and while i agree that not all ang mos are like that, i feel that most of them are so because I guess it's their lifestyle and the way that they were brought up...

If that's the case, we could say the same for Asian dads too - I've lost count of the number of Chinese fathers I know who can't be bothered to lift a finger to help their wives, including my own dad.

Haiya, it doesn't matter whether angmoh or not - what matters is whether the person has the initiative and the right attitude.