Kokura
Member
Hi ladies, I am sharing my testimonial here because I want to encourage all those who are facing infertility issues. I know how your journey is like because I went through the same suffering as you. I hope you will feel inspired after reading this.
I ROM IN 06 & HELD MY WEDDING DINNER IN 07. I WANTED TO HAVE 2 BABIES BY AGE 30. HOWEVER, I POSTPONED IT AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY TO CONCEIVE. BOTH OUR PARENTS HAD MANY SIBLINGS & MY HUSBAND HIMSELF ALSO HAD MANY SIBLINGS. I ALSO WANTED TO LIVE UP TO MY HUSBAND'S EXPECTATION OF ME TO WORK IN A RENOWNED MNC & EARN A RESPECTABLE SALARY. FURTHERMORE, WITH MOVIES CONSTANTLY PORTRAYING COUPLES GETTING PREGNANT AFTER HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND, WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY TO SUCCEED.
IN DEC 08, I DECIDED TO START TRYING AS I WANTED TO MEET MY “2 BABIES BY 30” DEADLINE. 1 MONTH PASSED BY & SOON 3 MONTHS FLEW BY. NOTHING HAPPENED. WE TRIED EVERYTHING WE COULD THINK OF – EXERCISING REGULARLY, EATING HEALTHILY, CONTROLLING OUR TEMPER, MONITORING MY TEMPERATURE DAILY & PLOTTING A CHART TO CHART MY FERTILE PERIOD, TESTING MY URINE EVERY MORNING TO DETECT MY FERTILE PERIOD, USING DIFFERENT SEX POSITIONS, ETC, ETC ETC. YOU NAME IT, WE DID IT. STILL NOTHING HAPPENED. WE DECIDED TO GO FOR A GENERAL FERTILITY SCREENING. THE RESULTS TURNED OUT TO BE FINE. I EVEN WENT FOR A TEST TO ASSESS MY FALLOPIAN TUBES. THAT TEST TOO, TURNED OUT TO BE ALL RIGHT.
SOON, 6 MONTHS TURNED INTO A YEAR & WE STILL HAD NO GOOD NEWS. WE WERE GETTING ANXIOUS AS WE DID NOT WANT TO BE OLD FIRST-TIME PARENTS. I GOT MY HUSBAND TO GO FOR A SPERM TEST. THE RESULT SHOWED THAT HIS SPERM QUALITY WAS VERY BAD. WE WERE VERY UPSET AS WE HAD NOT EXPECTED THIS. MY HUSBAND REPEATED THE TEST A COUPLE OF TIMES TO SEE IF IT IMPROVED. UNFORTUNATELY, IT DID NOT, DESPITE OUR BEST EFFORTS & SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY ON VITAMINS, TCM, ETC. THE CHINESE PHYSICIAN WHOM I HAD BEEN SEEING A FEW YEARS EVEN TOLD ME TO GIVE UP. I PERSISTED & I SAW ANOTHER PHYSICIAN INSTEAD. HOWEVER, THIS PHYSICIAN WHOM I SAW MONTHLY HAD EVEN LESS HOPE IN ME AS I COULD SEE A 'HERE COMES THIS DESPERADO AGAIN” EXPRESSION ON HER FACE. IT WAS MENTALLY DRAINING ON US AND ON TOP OF THAT, THE AMOUNT OF MONEY WE HAD SPENT ON TRYING FOR A BABY EASILY RAN INTO TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WE WERE LIVING IN AN ESTATE WHERE THERE WERE MANY YOUNG FAMILIES. THERE WAS ONCE WE ENTERED A LIFT, ONLY TO FIND OURSELVES SURROUNDED BY A COUPLE CARRYING THEIR BUNDLE OF JOY IN ONE HAND, & ANOTHER COUPLE HOLDING THEIR LITTLE CHILD'S HAND. AND GUESS WHAT WE WERE CARRYING? NTUC GROCERIES BAGS!!! IT WAS SUCH A BITTER IRONY I NEARLY WANTED TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL...
MY HUSBAND URGED ME TO GO FOR IUI. BUT I STRONGLY RESISTED THE IDEA AS I HAD A BAD PHOBIA OF INJECTION. WATCHING SOMEONE ON TV RECEIVING AN INJECTION MADE ME SCARED. WATCHING SOMEONE RECEIVING ONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME MADE ME TERRIFIED STILL. DOING DAILY SELF-INJECTION DURING THE COURSE OF IUI WAS DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE. PERIOD. ARE U NUTS? HOW CAN I HOLD A SYRINGE & INJECT MYSELF??? SO I KEPT TELLING MY HUSBAND THAT WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO TRY NATURALLY.
IN EARLY 2010, I FINALLY CONCEIVED. I WAS TOO SHOCKED TO BE ELATED. AFTER SO MANY MONTHS OF RECEIVING A BLOODY REPORT LITERALLY, SO TO SPEAK, IT WAS SURREAL. I WAS THINKING, “OH REALLY? AT LOOONG LAST”. I EVEN WENT TO GET A SECOND PREGNANCY TEST KIT TO MAKE SURE MY JOY WAS NOT A FAKE ONE. THE SECOND ONE TURNED POSITIVE TOO. I WAS NOW ASSURED & CONSOLED MYSELF THAT EVEN IF I COULD NOT HAVE 2 BABIES BY AGE 30, THEN AT LEAST I WAS PREGNANT WHEN I WAS 30. HOWEVER, I SOON BEGAN TO SPOT. I IGNORED IT AS I DID NOT WANT TO BE PARANOID. THE SPOTTING CONTINUED & I DECIDED TO SEE A GYNAECOLOGIST. SHE GAVE ME 2 INJECTIONS & DID A BLOOD TEST. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON. WHEN SHE LATER DID AN ULTRASOUND, ALL SHE SAW WAS AN EMPTY SAC, NOT A DEVELOPING EMBRYO AS IT SHOULD BE IN A NORMAL PREGNANCY, AND SHE BROKE THE NEWS - I HAD MISCARRIED. MY JOY WAS SHORT-LIVED. I WAS TERRIBLY UPSET THAT MY LONG-AWAITED JOY WAS TAKEN AWAY. WHY? I SUSPECT IT WAS DUE TO OVER-EXERTION FROM BEING MADE TO DO A PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO CONCEIVED A LITTLE EARLIER TOLD ME SHE EXPERIENCED SPOTTING TOO. SHE RECEIVED INJECTIONS & HER BABY TURNED OUT TO BE ALL RIGHT. HUH? WHY WAS MY BABY NOT ALL RIGHT TOO??? HER REVELATION MADE ME EVEN MORE UPSET AS THIS MEANT I, AS A VOTARY OF THE LOTUS SUTRA, HAD FAILED TO RECEIVE THE PROTECTION OF THE HEAVENLY DEITIES. IN BUDDHISM, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. HOWEVER, IN MY DARKEST HOURS, I WAS TOO UPSET TO BE ENLIGHTENED. I CRIED & CRIED AT THE UNFAIRNESS OF IT. I READ AN INDIAN MEMBER'S TESTIMONIAL & IT MADE ME FEEL RELIEVED THAT I NEED NOT UNDERGO DILATION & CURETTAGE, A SURGICAL PROCEDURE TO REMOVE CONTENTS OF THE UTERUS. I THOUGHT THIS COULD BE THE BUDDHIST CONCEPT OF LESSENING KARMIC RETRIBUTION. I REMEMBER THIS GOSHO THAT I USED TO ENCOURAGE MYSELF “Although I and my disciples may encounter various difficulties, if we do not harbor doubts in our hearts, we will as a matter of course attain Buddhahood. Do not have doubts simply because heaven does not lend you protection. Do not be discouraged because you do not enjoy an easy and secure existence in this life.”
IN 2011, UNDER RELENTLESS PRESSURE FROM MY HUSBAND, I DECIDED TO GO FOR IUI AS I WAS NOW 31 & STILL CHILDLESS. I WAS TERRIFIED OF INJECTIONS & I GOT A NURSE TO DO DAILY SELF-INJECTION FOR ME. THIS MEANT I HAD TO UNDERTAKE A MORE THAN 2-HOUR BUS & TRAIN RETURN JOURNEY JUST TO RECEIVE AN INJECTION THAT LASTED ONLY A FEW SECONDS. IT MAY SEEMED SILLY BUT I HAD NO CHOICE AS I COULD NOT DO IT MYSELF. I BLAMED MY HUSBAND FOR MAKING ME CONFRONT MY PHOBIA HEAD-ON. AS PART OF THE FERTILITY REQUIREMENTS NEEDED, I UNDERWENT A BLOOD TEST. THIS TIME, IT WAS REVEALED THAT I HAD VERY POOR FERTILITY. SO IT WAS NOT JUST MY HUSBAND... I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HAVE MIXED UP MY BLOOD WITH SOMEONE ELSE & I WENT AHEAD WITH MY IUI. TO IMPROVE MY CHANCES OF SUCCESS, I EVEN WENT FOR ACUPUNCTURE DESPITE MY PHOBIA. UNFORTUNATELY, I RECEIVED A BLOODY REPORT 2 WEEKS AFTER & I BLAMED MY HUSBAND FOR MAKING ME SUFFER FOR NOTHING. A FERTILITY NURSE ASKED IF I WANTED TO GO FOR IVF INSTEAD. I SAID NO AS I FELT IT WAS LIKE A DEATH SENTENCE BECAUSE THIS MEANT I WAS NOT FERTILE AS A WOMAN.
THE FOLLOWING YEAR IN 2012, I WENT FOR AN EVEN MORE DETAILED & EXPENSIVE BLOOD TEST TO CHECK MY FERTILITY. THIS TIME, THERE WAS NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. MY FERTILITY WAS INDEED VERY BAD FOR A YOUNG WOMAN LIKE ME. I WAS BEWILDERED AS I HAD NOT EXPECTED IT. THE SAME NURSE ASKED IF I WANTED TO CONSIDER ADOPTION. SHE WAS A MOTHERLY FIGURE & SHE MUST HAVE SEEN SO MANY INFERTILE COUPLES THAT SHE KNEW ADOPTION WAS THE ONLY WAY IF I WANTED TO HAVE CHILDREN. I WAS UPSET KNOWING THAT I COULD NEVER HAVE MY OWN BABIES & THAT I NEEDED A STRANGER TO TELL ME THIS. I WAS CRYING IN MY HEART BUT I PUT ON A BRAVE FRONT & POLITELY REJECTED HER. I DECIDED TO GO FOR A SECOND ROUND OF IUI. THIS TIME, THE DECISION TO DO SO CAME FROM ME, NOT MY HUSBAND.
HALFWAY THROUGH THE DAILY INJECTION, I DECIDED TO DO IT MYSELF INSTEAD OF COMING ALL THE WAY TO THE FERTILITY CENTRE. ONE OF THE NURSES SHOWED ME. HOWEVER, I WAS SCARED & MY HANDS TURNED SWEATY AS I HELD THE SYRINGE. I MANAGED TO DO AN INJECTION UNDER HER SUPERVISION & I TOLD HER I WILL INJECT MYSELF FROM TOMORROW AT HOME; I WILL NOT BE AFRAID ANYMORE. HOWEVER, I OVULATED THE VERY NEXT DAY WHEN I DID MY URINE TEST, SO I NEED NOT DO ANY MORE INJECTION. I THOUGHT WITH A POSITIVE MINDSET NOW, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SUCCEED & FINALLY CARRY MY OWN BABY. 2 WEEKS LATER, THE RESULTS CAME. ALAS, IT WAS NOT TO BE. AGAIN. EVEN THOUGH I WAS UPSET, I WAS CALMER NOW BECAUSE I HAD FINALLY OVERCOME MY LONG-TIME PHOBIA OF INJECTION. IT WAS AN INDESCRIBABLE FEELING - I FELT I HAD FINALLY OVERCOME MY KARMA & AS WHAT BUDDHISM TEACHES, THAT I HAD TRANSFORMED POISON INTO MEDICINE.
SO EVEN THOUGH I WAS HESITANT ABOUT DOING IVF NEXT, I WAS LESS RESISTANT TO THE IDEA NOW. I CONFIDED IN MY NEW ZEALAND FRIEND & SHE SENT ME A TESTIMONIAL FROM HER GOOD FRIEND, WHO LIKE ME, HAD DIFFICULTIES CONCEIVING & UNDERWENT A SUCCESSFUL IVF. AFTER READING IT, I WAS VERY TOUCHED. SO TOUCHED, I PLUCKED UP THE COURAGE TO GO FOR IT. NOW, THIS WAS NO SMALL DECISION AS THIS MEANT THE NUMBER OF DAYS I HAD TO DO DAILY SELF- INJECTION WAS MUCH LOOONGER & I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO DO 2 KINDS OF INJECTIONS, NOT JUST ONE.
I CONFIDED IN ANOTHER FRIEND WHO WAS A SOCIAL WORKER & SHE REFERRED ME TO A LEADER WHO UNDERWENT THE SAME PROBLEM AS ME. I WENT TO HER HOUSE TO SPEAK WITH HER & I ASKED MANY QUESTIONS FREELY, & THIS GAVE ME THE KNOWLEDGE & CONFIDENCE IN UNDERGOING IVF.
I ASKED MY REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST WHAT WERE THE CHANCES OF SUCCESS GIVEN MY AGE GROUP, EXPECTING HIM TO REPLY “30%” BECAUSE THIS WAS WHAT I HAD READ ONLINE. HOWEVER, I DID NOT GET TO HEAR THIS. INSTEAD HE SAID, “WELL, AS YOU KNOW, GIVEN YOUR VERY POOR FERTILITY, YOUR OVARIAN RESERVE IS VERY, VERY LOW. I CAN'T SAY FOR SURE”. MY HEART SANK. NEVERTHELESS, I MADE IT A POINT TO KEEP POSITIVE.
TO COPE WITH MY PHOBIA OF SELF-INJECTION, I BEGAN A DAILY BATTLE TO COMBAT MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. WHENEVER A THOUGHT LIKE “I WILL NEVER SUCCEED BECAUSE IF I COULD SUCCEED, I WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED LONG AGO.”, I BATTLED IT WITH A POSITIVE ONE LIKE “I WILL DEFINITELY WIN BECAUSE I AM A LION KING! THE LION KING FEARS NO OTHER BEASTS. NOR DO ITS CUBS. NICHIREN FOLLOWERS ARE LIKE ROARING LIONS, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ARE LIKE BARKING FOXES”. THIS COUNTER-ATTACK WAS NOT EASY AS MANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ASSAILED ME IN A DAY, & IT WAS MENTALLY TIRING TO HAVE TO REPEAT THIS THOUGHT PROCESS OVER & OVER AGAIN. MANY A TIMES, I FELT LIKE GIVING UP SINCE THERE WAS NO GUARANTEE THAT I WILL SUCCEED. THE SUCCESS RATE IS ONLY 30%, WHICH MEANT OUT OF EVERY 10 WOMEN WHO ARE BELOW THE AGE OF 35, ONLY 3 WILL SUCCEED. THIS WAS THE GRIM REALITY.
ANOTHER POSITIVE TASK I DID WAS TO ADOPT AN ENERGETIC GAKKAI SONG & CHANGED THE LYRICS TO SUIT MY SITUATION. I EVEN ADDED SOME ACTIONS WHILE SINGING TO ENCOURAGE MYSELF. IT MAY SEEMED FUNNY BUT TO SOMEONE ABOUT TO UNDERTAKE A MOMENTOUS TASK IN HER LIFE, THIS WAS NO JOKE. I DID ALL THESE AS I DID NOT WANT DEVILISH FUNCTIONS TO CONTROL ME. I WANTED TO WIN. NOW.
IN 2013, ON THE DAY OF MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY AND OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, WE UNDERTOOK THE ARDUOUS IVF JOURNEY. IT WAS A MERE COINCIDENCE THAT THE START DATE OF MY IVF COINCIDED WITH THESE 2 MEANINGFUL DATES.
WHEN A NURSE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THE 2 DIFFERENT KINDS OF INJECTIONS, I NO LONGER FELT SCARED & MY PALMS NO LONGER TURNED SWEATY. I FELT IT WAS A GOOD START. THE GOAL OF EVERY IVF IS TO PRODUCE MORE THAN 10 HEALTHY EGGS SO AS TO INCREASE CHANCES OF FERTILIZATION & IMPLANTATION. AFTER ALL THAT DAILY STIMULATION, FROM THE ULTRASOUND ALL I COULD SEE WAS JUST 4 EGGS... FOUR? SO I HAD ONLY 4 EGGS FOR THE EMBRYOLOGIST TO FERTILIZE. I FELT MY CHANCES GETTING LOWER. STILL I TRIED TO BE POSITIVE.
THE NEXT DAY, IT WAS EGG RETRIEVAL. I UNDERWENT MILD GENERAL ANESTHESIA & AFTERWARDS WAS TOLD THAT ACTUALLY, THE DOCTOR ONLY MANGED TO RETRIEVE ONE EGG. WHAT? THERE WERE 4 ISN'T IT? I ASKED. YES, THE NURSE REPLIED, BUT THEY WERE JUST EMPTY SACS, NOT HEALTHY EGGS. I FELT MY PANIC BUTTON BEING PRESSED REPEATEDLY & WAS FEARFUL OF WHAT MIGHT LAY AHEAD. I KEPT TELLING MYSELF TO STAY CALM. I CHANTED FERVENTLY FOR MY ONLY EGG TO BE FERTILIZED SUCCESSFULLY & THAT THE EMBRYOLOGIST WOULD DEFINITELY BE MY SHOTEN ZENJIN. THE HOSPITAL WOULD CALL TO LET ME KNOW THE RESULT. I HAD HEARD OF WOMEN WHO UNDERWENT THE WHOLE PROCEDURE ONLY TO BE TOLD THEIR EGGS DID NOT MANAGED TO BE FERTILIZED SUCCESSFULLY, WHICH MEANT THEIR IVF WAS A FAILURE. I DID NOT WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM.
2 DAYS LATER, I RECEIVED THE CALL. MY EGG HAD BEEN SUCCESSFULLY FERTILIZED! IT WAS TIME FOR EMBRYO TRANSFER. NOW I KEPT CHANTING THAT MY EMBRYO CAN BE IMPLANTED CORRECTLY AND SUCCESSFULLY INTO MY UTERUS. THAT WENT WITHOUT A HITCH. UNFORTUNATELY A FEW DAYS LATER, I FELL FROM MY BED & I BEGAN SPOTTING. IT WAS SO DEJA VU. I WAS FEARFUL & I CALLED THE HOSPITAL TO ASK IF I NEEDED TO COME FOR A CHECK-UP. THEY KEPT SAYING THERE WAS NO NEED TO. MY HEART WAS POUNDING & I WAS SO TEMPTED TO GO BUT I CONTROLLED MYSELF & AGAIN, I CHANTED WITH ALL MY MIGHT, AS IF TO PRODUCE FIRE FROM DAMP WOOD. I DID NOT WANT TO COME SO FAR ONLY TO ACCIDENTALLY SPOIL MY CHANCES OF SUCCESS.
2 WEEKS LATER, I WENT FOR A PREGNANCY BLOOD TEST IN THE MORNING & THEY SAID THE RESULT WOULD BE OUT IN THE AFTERNOON. MY HUSBAND & I WENT TO HQ TO CHANT. WHILE WE WERE HAVING LUNCH, THE CALL CAME. THE NURSE ASKED FOR MY IC TO CONFIRM THAT I WAS INDEED THE IVF PATIENT. SHE SOUNDED DEAD SERIOUS & I TOLD MYSELF TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST. I TOLD MYSELF NOT TO CRY BECAUSE THIS IS A COFFEE SHOP & THERE ARE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. THEN, SHE FINALLY SAID “CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR BLOOD TEST SHOWS YOU ARE NOW PREGNANT!” I CHOKED WITH TEARS & COULD NOT SPEAK. AFTER ALL I HAVE WENT THROUGH, AFTER SO MANY MONTHS OF HEARTBREAKING DISAPPOINTMENT, I FINALLY SUCCEEDED! DESPITE THE HIGH STATISTICAL ODDS AGAINST ME, DESPITE MY DOCTOR'S & PHYSICIAN'S LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN MY CASE, I SUCCEEDED. IT IS EXACTLY AS WHAT IS WRITTEN IN THE LOTUS SUTRA. “Those who believe in the Lotus Sutra are as if in winter, but winter always turns to spring.”
NEVER GIVE UP HOPE & NEVER GIVE UP PRAYING. NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO.
I ROM IN 06 & HELD MY WEDDING DINNER IN 07. I WANTED TO HAVE 2 BABIES BY AGE 30. HOWEVER, I POSTPONED IT AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY TO CONCEIVE. BOTH OUR PARENTS HAD MANY SIBLINGS & MY HUSBAND HIMSELF ALSO HAD MANY SIBLINGS. I ALSO WANTED TO LIVE UP TO MY HUSBAND'S EXPECTATION OF ME TO WORK IN A RENOWNED MNC & EARN A RESPECTABLE SALARY. FURTHERMORE, WITH MOVIES CONSTANTLY PORTRAYING COUPLES GETTING PREGNANT AFTER HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND, WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY TO SUCCEED.
IN DEC 08, I DECIDED TO START TRYING AS I WANTED TO MEET MY “2 BABIES BY 30” DEADLINE. 1 MONTH PASSED BY & SOON 3 MONTHS FLEW BY. NOTHING HAPPENED. WE TRIED EVERYTHING WE COULD THINK OF – EXERCISING REGULARLY, EATING HEALTHILY, CONTROLLING OUR TEMPER, MONITORING MY TEMPERATURE DAILY & PLOTTING A CHART TO CHART MY FERTILE PERIOD, TESTING MY URINE EVERY MORNING TO DETECT MY FERTILE PERIOD, USING DIFFERENT SEX POSITIONS, ETC, ETC ETC. YOU NAME IT, WE DID IT. STILL NOTHING HAPPENED. WE DECIDED TO GO FOR A GENERAL FERTILITY SCREENING. THE RESULTS TURNED OUT TO BE FINE. I EVEN WENT FOR A TEST TO ASSESS MY FALLOPIAN TUBES. THAT TEST TOO, TURNED OUT TO BE ALL RIGHT.
SOON, 6 MONTHS TURNED INTO A YEAR & WE STILL HAD NO GOOD NEWS. WE WERE GETTING ANXIOUS AS WE DID NOT WANT TO BE OLD FIRST-TIME PARENTS. I GOT MY HUSBAND TO GO FOR A SPERM TEST. THE RESULT SHOWED THAT HIS SPERM QUALITY WAS VERY BAD. WE WERE VERY UPSET AS WE HAD NOT EXPECTED THIS. MY HUSBAND REPEATED THE TEST A COUPLE OF TIMES TO SEE IF IT IMPROVED. UNFORTUNATELY, IT DID NOT, DESPITE OUR BEST EFFORTS & SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY ON VITAMINS, TCM, ETC. THE CHINESE PHYSICIAN WHOM I HAD BEEN SEEING A FEW YEARS EVEN TOLD ME TO GIVE UP. I PERSISTED & I SAW ANOTHER PHYSICIAN INSTEAD. HOWEVER, THIS PHYSICIAN WHOM I SAW MONTHLY HAD EVEN LESS HOPE IN ME AS I COULD SEE A 'HERE COMES THIS DESPERADO AGAIN” EXPRESSION ON HER FACE. IT WAS MENTALLY DRAINING ON US AND ON TOP OF THAT, THE AMOUNT OF MONEY WE HAD SPENT ON TRYING FOR A BABY EASILY RAN INTO TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WE WERE LIVING IN AN ESTATE WHERE THERE WERE MANY YOUNG FAMILIES. THERE WAS ONCE WE ENTERED A LIFT, ONLY TO FIND OURSELVES SURROUNDED BY A COUPLE CARRYING THEIR BUNDLE OF JOY IN ONE HAND, & ANOTHER COUPLE HOLDING THEIR LITTLE CHILD'S HAND. AND GUESS WHAT WE WERE CARRYING? NTUC GROCERIES BAGS!!! IT WAS SUCH A BITTER IRONY I NEARLY WANTED TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL...
MY HUSBAND URGED ME TO GO FOR IUI. BUT I STRONGLY RESISTED THE IDEA AS I HAD A BAD PHOBIA OF INJECTION. WATCHING SOMEONE ON TV RECEIVING AN INJECTION MADE ME SCARED. WATCHING SOMEONE RECEIVING ONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME MADE ME TERRIFIED STILL. DOING DAILY SELF-INJECTION DURING THE COURSE OF IUI WAS DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE. PERIOD. ARE U NUTS? HOW CAN I HOLD A SYRINGE & INJECT MYSELF??? SO I KEPT TELLING MY HUSBAND THAT WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO TRY NATURALLY.
IN EARLY 2010, I FINALLY CONCEIVED. I WAS TOO SHOCKED TO BE ELATED. AFTER SO MANY MONTHS OF RECEIVING A BLOODY REPORT LITERALLY, SO TO SPEAK, IT WAS SURREAL. I WAS THINKING, “OH REALLY? AT LOOONG LAST”. I EVEN WENT TO GET A SECOND PREGNANCY TEST KIT TO MAKE SURE MY JOY WAS NOT A FAKE ONE. THE SECOND ONE TURNED POSITIVE TOO. I WAS NOW ASSURED & CONSOLED MYSELF THAT EVEN IF I COULD NOT HAVE 2 BABIES BY AGE 30, THEN AT LEAST I WAS PREGNANT WHEN I WAS 30. HOWEVER, I SOON BEGAN TO SPOT. I IGNORED IT AS I DID NOT WANT TO BE PARANOID. THE SPOTTING CONTINUED & I DECIDED TO SEE A GYNAECOLOGIST. SHE GAVE ME 2 INJECTIONS & DID A BLOOD TEST. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON. WHEN SHE LATER DID AN ULTRASOUND, ALL SHE SAW WAS AN EMPTY SAC, NOT A DEVELOPING EMBRYO AS IT SHOULD BE IN A NORMAL PREGNANCY, AND SHE BROKE THE NEWS - I HAD MISCARRIED. MY JOY WAS SHORT-LIVED. I WAS TERRIBLY UPSET THAT MY LONG-AWAITED JOY WAS TAKEN AWAY. WHY? I SUSPECT IT WAS DUE TO OVER-EXERTION FROM BEING MADE TO DO A PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO CONCEIVED A LITTLE EARLIER TOLD ME SHE EXPERIENCED SPOTTING TOO. SHE RECEIVED INJECTIONS & HER BABY TURNED OUT TO BE ALL RIGHT. HUH? WHY WAS MY BABY NOT ALL RIGHT TOO??? HER REVELATION MADE ME EVEN MORE UPSET AS THIS MEANT I, AS A VOTARY OF THE LOTUS SUTRA, HAD FAILED TO RECEIVE THE PROTECTION OF THE HEAVENLY DEITIES. IN BUDDHISM, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. HOWEVER, IN MY DARKEST HOURS, I WAS TOO UPSET TO BE ENLIGHTENED. I CRIED & CRIED AT THE UNFAIRNESS OF IT. I READ AN INDIAN MEMBER'S TESTIMONIAL & IT MADE ME FEEL RELIEVED THAT I NEED NOT UNDERGO DILATION & CURETTAGE, A SURGICAL PROCEDURE TO REMOVE CONTENTS OF THE UTERUS. I THOUGHT THIS COULD BE THE BUDDHIST CONCEPT OF LESSENING KARMIC RETRIBUTION. I REMEMBER THIS GOSHO THAT I USED TO ENCOURAGE MYSELF “Although I and my disciples may encounter various difficulties, if we do not harbor doubts in our hearts, we will as a matter of course attain Buddhahood. Do not have doubts simply because heaven does not lend you protection. Do not be discouraged because you do not enjoy an easy and secure existence in this life.”
IN 2011, UNDER RELENTLESS PRESSURE FROM MY HUSBAND, I DECIDED TO GO FOR IUI AS I WAS NOW 31 & STILL CHILDLESS. I WAS TERRIFIED OF INJECTIONS & I GOT A NURSE TO DO DAILY SELF-INJECTION FOR ME. THIS MEANT I HAD TO UNDERTAKE A MORE THAN 2-HOUR BUS & TRAIN RETURN JOURNEY JUST TO RECEIVE AN INJECTION THAT LASTED ONLY A FEW SECONDS. IT MAY SEEMED SILLY BUT I HAD NO CHOICE AS I COULD NOT DO IT MYSELF. I BLAMED MY HUSBAND FOR MAKING ME CONFRONT MY PHOBIA HEAD-ON. AS PART OF THE FERTILITY REQUIREMENTS NEEDED, I UNDERWENT A BLOOD TEST. THIS TIME, IT WAS REVEALED THAT I HAD VERY POOR FERTILITY. SO IT WAS NOT JUST MY HUSBAND... I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HAVE MIXED UP MY BLOOD WITH SOMEONE ELSE & I WENT AHEAD WITH MY IUI. TO IMPROVE MY CHANCES OF SUCCESS, I EVEN WENT FOR ACUPUNCTURE DESPITE MY PHOBIA. UNFORTUNATELY, I RECEIVED A BLOODY REPORT 2 WEEKS AFTER & I BLAMED MY HUSBAND FOR MAKING ME SUFFER FOR NOTHING. A FERTILITY NURSE ASKED IF I WANTED TO GO FOR IVF INSTEAD. I SAID NO AS I FELT IT WAS LIKE A DEATH SENTENCE BECAUSE THIS MEANT I WAS NOT FERTILE AS A WOMAN.
THE FOLLOWING YEAR IN 2012, I WENT FOR AN EVEN MORE DETAILED & EXPENSIVE BLOOD TEST TO CHECK MY FERTILITY. THIS TIME, THERE WAS NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. MY FERTILITY WAS INDEED VERY BAD FOR A YOUNG WOMAN LIKE ME. I WAS BEWILDERED AS I HAD NOT EXPECTED IT. THE SAME NURSE ASKED IF I WANTED TO CONSIDER ADOPTION. SHE WAS A MOTHERLY FIGURE & SHE MUST HAVE SEEN SO MANY INFERTILE COUPLES THAT SHE KNEW ADOPTION WAS THE ONLY WAY IF I WANTED TO HAVE CHILDREN. I WAS UPSET KNOWING THAT I COULD NEVER HAVE MY OWN BABIES & THAT I NEEDED A STRANGER TO TELL ME THIS. I WAS CRYING IN MY HEART BUT I PUT ON A BRAVE FRONT & POLITELY REJECTED HER. I DECIDED TO GO FOR A SECOND ROUND OF IUI. THIS TIME, THE DECISION TO DO SO CAME FROM ME, NOT MY HUSBAND.
HALFWAY THROUGH THE DAILY INJECTION, I DECIDED TO DO IT MYSELF INSTEAD OF COMING ALL THE WAY TO THE FERTILITY CENTRE. ONE OF THE NURSES SHOWED ME. HOWEVER, I WAS SCARED & MY HANDS TURNED SWEATY AS I HELD THE SYRINGE. I MANAGED TO DO AN INJECTION UNDER HER SUPERVISION & I TOLD HER I WILL INJECT MYSELF FROM TOMORROW AT HOME; I WILL NOT BE AFRAID ANYMORE. HOWEVER, I OVULATED THE VERY NEXT DAY WHEN I DID MY URINE TEST, SO I NEED NOT DO ANY MORE INJECTION. I THOUGHT WITH A POSITIVE MINDSET NOW, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SUCCEED & FINALLY CARRY MY OWN BABY. 2 WEEKS LATER, THE RESULTS CAME. ALAS, IT WAS NOT TO BE. AGAIN. EVEN THOUGH I WAS UPSET, I WAS CALMER NOW BECAUSE I HAD FINALLY OVERCOME MY LONG-TIME PHOBIA OF INJECTION. IT WAS AN INDESCRIBABLE FEELING - I FELT I HAD FINALLY OVERCOME MY KARMA & AS WHAT BUDDHISM TEACHES, THAT I HAD TRANSFORMED POISON INTO MEDICINE.
SO EVEN THOUGH I WAS HESITANT ABOUT DOING IVF NEXT, I WAS LESS RESISTANT TO THE IDEA NOW. I CONFIDED IN MY NEW ZEALAND FRIEND & SHE SENT ME A TESTIMONIAL FROM HER GOOD FRIEND, WHO LIKE ME, HAD DIFFICULTIES CONCEIVING & UNDERWENT A SUCCESSFUL IVF. AFTER READING IT, I WAS VERY TOUCHED. SO TOUCHED, I PLUCKED UP THE COURAGE TO GO FOR IT. NOW, THIS WAS NO SMALL DECISION AS THIS MEANT THE NUMBER OF DAYS I HAD TO DO DAILY SELF- INJECTION WAS MUCH LOOONGER & I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO DO 2 KINDS OF INJECTIONS, NOT JUST ONE.
I CONFIDED IN ANOTHER FRIEND WHO WAS A SOCIAL WORKER & SHE REFERRED ME TO A LEADER WHO UNDERWENT THE SAME PROBLEM AS ME. I WENT TO HER HOUSE TO SPEAK WITH HER & I ASKED MANY QUESTIONS FREELY, & THIS GAVE ME THE KNOWLEDGE & CONFIDENCE IN UNDERGOING IVF.
I ASKED MY REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST WHAT WERE THE CHANCES OF SUCCESS GIVEN MY AGE GROUP, EXPECTING HIM TO REPLY “30%” BECAUSE THIS WAS WHAT I HAD READ ONLINE. HOWEVER, I DID NOT GET TO HEAR THIS. INSTEAD HE SAID, “WELL, AS YOU KNOW, GIVEN YOUR VERY POOR FERTILITY, YOUR OVARIAN RESERVE IS VERY, VERY LOW. I CAN'T SAY FOR SURE”. MY HEART SANK. NEVERTHELESS, I MADE IT A POINT TO KEEP POSITIVE.
TO COPE WITH MY PHOBIA OF SELF-INJECTION, I BEGAN A DAILY BATTLE TO COMBAT MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. WHENEVER A THOUGHT LIKE “I WILL NEVER SUCCEED BECAUSE IF I COULD SUCCEED, I WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED LONG AGO.”, I BATTLED IT WITH A POSITIVE ONE LIKE “I WILL DEFINITELY WIN BECAUSE I AM A LION KING! THE LION KING FEARS NO OTHER BEASTS. NOR DO ITS CUBS. NICHIREN FOLLOWERS ARE LIKE ROARING LIONS, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ARE LIKE BARKING FOXES”. THIS COUNTER-ATTACK WAS NOT EASY AS MANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ASSAILED ME IN A DAY, & IT WAS MENTALLY TIRING TO HAVE TO REPEAT THIS THOUGHT PROCESS OVER & OVER AGAIN. MANY A TIMES, I FELT LIKE GIVING UP SINCE THERE WAS NO GUARANTEE THAT I WILL SUCCEED. THE SUCCESS RATE IS ONLY 30%, WHICH MEANT OUT OF EVERY 10 WOMEN WHO ARE BELOW THE AGE OF 35, ONLY 3 WILL SUCCEED. THIS WAS THE GRIM REALITY.
ANOTHER POSITIVE TASK I DID WAS TO ADOPT AN ENERGETIC GAKKAI SONG & CHANGED THE LYRICS TO SUIT MY SITUATION. I EVEN ADDED SOME ACTIONS WHILE SINGING TO ENCOURAGE MYSELF. IT MAY SEEMED FUNNY BUT TO SOMEONE ABOUT TO UNDERTAKE A MOMENTOUS TASK IN HER LIFE, THIS WAS NO JOKE. I DID ALL THESE AS I DID NOT WANT DEVILISH FUNCTIONS TO CONTROL ME. I WANTED TO WIN. NOW.
IN 2013, ON THE DAY OF MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY AND OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, WE UNDERTOOK THE ARDUOUS IVF JOURNEY. IT WAS A MERE COINCIDENCE THAT THE START DATE OF MY IVF COINCIDED WITH THESE 2 MEANINGFUL DATES.
WHEN A NURSE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THE 2 DIFFERENT KINDS OF INJECTIONS, I NO LONGER FELT SCARED & MY PALMS NO LONGER TURNED SWEATY. I FELT IT WAS A GOOD START. THE GOAL OF EVERY IVF IS TO PRODUCE MORE THAN 10 HEALTHY EGGS SO AS TO INCREASE CHANCES OF FERTILIZATION & IMPLANTATION. AFTER ALL THAT DAILY STIMULATION, FROM THE ULTRASOUND ALL I COULD SEE WAS JUST 4 EGGS... FOUR? SO I HAD ONLY 4 EGGS FOR THE EMBRYOLOGIST TO FERTILIZE. I FELT MY CHANCES GETTING LOWER. STILL I TRIED TO BE POSITIVE.
THE NEXT DAY, IT WAS EGG RETRIEVAL. I UNDERWENT MILD GENERAL ANESTHESIA & AFTERWARDS WAS TOLD THAT ACTUALLY, THE DOCTOR ONLY MANGED TO RETRIEVE ONE EGG. WHAT? THERE WERE 4 ISN'T IT? I ASKED. YES, THE NURSE REPLIED, BUT THEY WERE JUST EMPTY SACS, NOT HEALTHY EGGS. I FELT MY PANIC BUTTON BEING PRESSED REPEATEDLY & WAS FEARFUL OF WHAT MIGHT LAY AHEAD. I KEPT TELLING MYSELF TO STAY CALM. I CHANTED FERVENTLY FOR MY ONLY EGG TO BE FERTILIZED SUCCESSFULLY & THAT THE EMBRYOLOGIST WOULD DEFINITELY BE MY SHOTEN ZENJIN. THE HOSPITAL WOULD CALL TO LET ME KNOW THE RESULT. I HAD HEARD OF WOMEN WHO UNDERWENT THE WHOLE PROCEDURE ONLY TO BE TOLD THEIR EGGS DID NOT MANAGED TO BE FERTILIZED SUCCESSFULLY, WHICH MEANT THEIR IVF WAS A FAILURE. I DID NOT WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM.
2 DAYS LATER, I RECEIVED THE CALL. MY EGG HAD BEEN SUCCESSFULLY FERTILIZED! IT WAS TIME FOR EMBRYO TRANSFER. NOW I KEPT CHANTING THAT MY EMBRYO CAN BE IMPLANTED CORRECTLY AND SUCCESSFULLY INTO MY UTERUS. THAT WENT WITHOUT A HITCH. UNFORTUNATELY A FEW DAYS LATER, I FELL FROM MY BED & I BEGAN SPOTTING. IT WAS SO DEJA VU. I WAS FEARFUL & I CALLED THE HOSPITAL TO ASK IF I NEEDED TO COME FOR A CHECK-UP. THEY KEPT SAYING THERE WAS NO NEED TO. MY HEART WAS POUNDING & I WAS SO TEMPTED TO GO BUT I CONTROLLED MYSELF & AGAIN, I CHANTED WITH ALL MY MIGHT, AS IF TO PRODUCE FIRE FROM DAMP WOOD. I DID NOT WANT TO COME SO FAR ONLY TO ACCIDENTALLY SPOIL MY CHANCES OF SUCCESS.
2 WEEKS LATER, I WENT FOR A PREGNANCY BLOOD TEST IN THE MORNING & THEY SAID THE RESULT WOULD BE OUT IN THE AFTERNOON. MY HUSBAND & I WENT TO HQ TO CHANT. WHILE WE WERE HAVING LUNCH, THE CALL CAME. THE NURSE ASKED FOR MY IC TO CONFIRM THAT I WAS INDEED THE IVF PATIENT. SHE SOUNDED DEAD SERIOUS & I TOLD MYSELF TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST. I TOLD MYSELF NOT TO CRY BECAUSE THIS IS A COFFEE SHOP & THERE ARE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. THEN, SHE FINALLY SAID “CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR BLOOD TEST SHOWS YOU ARE NOW PREGNANT!” I CHOKED WITH TEARS & COULD NOT SPEAK. AFTER ALL I HAVE WENT THROUGH, AFTER SO MANY MONTHS OF HEARTBREAKING DISAPPOINTMENT, I FINALLY SUCCEEDED! DESPITE THE HIGH STATISTICAL ODDS AGAINST ME, DESPITE MY DOCTOR'S & PHYSICIAN'S LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN MY CASE, I SUCCEEDED. IT IS EXACTLY AS WHAT IS WRITTEN IN THE LOTUS SUTRA. “Those who believe in the Lotus Sutra are as if in winter, but winter always turns to spring.”
NEVER GIVE UP HOPE & NEVER GIVE UP PRAYING. NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO.
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