Putting up with in laws bcos of kids...:(

[eileenpxp]

hihi...Just thinking of venting some frustration here...

i gave birth to 2nd baby and my maternity leave is coming to an end soon..i can fully understand why some women chose to be stay home mums after birth now...

My mum in law retired and take care of my 1st baby (now 2 years old) previously..the arrangement was to leave my daughter there day and night and bring her back only during weekends. Things were quite alright and CORDIAL in laws relationship lasted 1 year +..in fact we were very appreciative of her support until lately..

After my 2nd baby (boy) was delivered....my father in law's relationship with my MIL (mum in law) became worse and my MIL treated my home as a refuge centre. There was a day when i invited my mum to stay over and the STORM began! She accused me n hubby saying we want to CHASE her out after employing a maid (my intention is to let maid help her to look after 2 kids at my place...and MIL would go back daily to her place located 1 bus stop away..).

``Storm 1'' subsided after I had a face to face clarification with MIL in my hubby's presence and MIL apologised to me the next day saying she was oversensitive due to the bad mood caused by her quarrels with hubby. Everything was back to normal for 2 days. ...

``Storm 2'' happened 2 days later..out of the blue..MIL called my mum and apologised to her saying she was sorry about the earlier episode..then she went on to `` complain'' about the whole list of things which she was unhapply bout me...my mum of cos tried to defend me and my MIL went on and on..insisting that i m at fault...(i feel that she is like the school principal complaining to my mum during the meet the parents session...or WORSE than that). The conversation revealed that MIL is a narrow-minded, petty woman who kept bottling up the nitty gritty stuff! Worse still, she even compared me to her future daughter in law and told my mum that the future daughter in law is better than me in many ways as she helped her with household chores whenever she visited her. MIL complained bout me hiding in my room most of the time after I delivered....she could not understand that I need time to latch baby and i needed rest (days before maid came)

After Storm 2....i was pissed off ...i wanted my hubby to stand up for me...i needed to convey msg that i was irritated the very least...my hubby mildy questioned my MIL at my house and she blew her temper! Thinking long term..i kept my cool and i didnt argue with her....
MIL tried to show her displeasure by not having any contact with us for few days ..then apologised to my hubby few days later.

Now, contact resumed...but i CANT quite face her anymore after all these happened..as these incidents showed that she is UGLY in terms of character and also strained my relationship with my hubby as a result...I still have to tolerate her for the sake of my 2 kids and hubby...i have to bear all these as a full time working mum...

SIGH...sigh....i hope mummies out there understand how i feel.....its not easy asking in laws to help taking care of kids as you never know how they think of you until they really speak up...and it will be worse when you meet those sensitive type of in law just like my MIL...

thks for hearing me out....!:red: :embarrassed:

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

I understand how you feel....is ur mother in law is gg thru menopause? is that why she is behaving the way she did?
After we got married, me & hubby do not want to depend on in laws to look after our son, cos' we know that all these will happen, so we chose infant care

 

[chiro]

sayang sayang..

can empathise wif u...its stickier esp when mil is sensitive, petty & insecure....we are always here for u

 

[apollo]

i also think ur mil might be going thru menopause. women during this stage tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive and some might be down with depression.

hard on u alrdy... hang on! =)

 

[angelwendy]

Relax k.. i understand how u feel.... even now my baby haven born yet.. & my MIL is not like that.. but i do have frenz MIL is like that also... hmm.. maybe cause i scare this kind of things will happen.... so me & hubby plan to either let me take care of baby, or let my son go infant care... & also maybe due to my mother & father is taking care of my sis son... they spolit him so much.. so i think better don't leave him with them also... but sayang ... i know is hard but no choice cause u need to work... just see her, don't talk much then go home... at least she is not staying with u right??

 

[eileenpxp]

i also think your mother in law might be going thru menopause. women during this stage tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive and some might be down with depression.

hard on you alrdy... hang on! =)

Well..being in sales related job position..i have seen pple from all walks of life...hahaha..

i dare say my MIL is some1 not easy to get along with..so depression/ menopause is of small influence here....

even my maid who is new told me she preferred my mum to my MIL who tends to be fussier over small things

Lucky my hubby is a very nice person... i guess thats why i married him...btw: MIL was even jealous over my hubby helping me with household chores and she told my mum! Imagine...??? !!! and my mum told her off saying its right for hubby to share the burden...and how m i (as a full time working mum) to cope with all chores and daughter and I didnt even hire any helper back then?

all mummies out there...count yourself lucky for not having such a SENSITIVE OLD AGE MIL!

:err:

 

[CanCanMum]

*sAyAngs*

actually from wad i read yr mil shd be behaving intolerable after her relationship wif fil soured.

old pple horrr, they dun appreciate wads Bai Tou Dao Lao....like my mum and dad, always quarrel almost every other day...until i told them next time both dead, no need to quarrel liaOooo lorrr!!!

if u dink of it another way, perhaps u wonx feel so angry.....*hUgs*

imagine if we quarrel wif hubby and our relationship hangs like a thread, and if u r about 50plus in age, wil u feel emptY? Coz u dun have any 1 else to turn to if anything happens...coz u r only left with your sons and daughters....coz yr hubby refused to talk to u or angry wif one another but refused to budge? And due to the stage of marriage your mIL and FIL are in, they are too stubborn to work things out, so? They vent their frustrations/unfairness/anger on u instead.....they wonx do it on their sons but they will do it on DILs/SILs coz they are afraid their own sons/DDs will oso be "taken away" by their wives/hubbies....

its a very silly kind of thinking but i find elders like to anyhow imagine things.....zzzz

i dun really understand how the older generations pple think but i will always find them unreasonable, stubborn and inflexible lols~~~perhaps i will act in this way too....in future haha....i only got ONE son

so there is little to do wif these pple but to kan kai and to minimise frictions. As long as yr hubby dun side wif anyone, its still fine at this stage...:tlaugh:

 

[angelwendy]

Well..being in sales related job position..i have seen pple from all walks of life...hahaha..

i dare say my mother in law is some1 not easy to get along with..so depression/ menopause is of small influence here....

even my maid who is new told me she preferred my mum to my mother in law who tends to be fussier over small things

Lucky my hubby is a very nice person... i guess thats why i married him...btw: mother in law was even jealous over my hubby helping me with household chores and she told my mum! Imagine...??? !!! and my mum told her off saying its right for hubby to share the burden...and how m i (as a full time working mum) to cope with all chores and daughter and I didnt even hire any helper back then?

all mummies out there...count yourself lucky for not having such a SENSITIVE OLD AGE mother in law!

:err:

For mine.. not reali sensitive.... but only thing is that she like to buy shares... & also like to ask hubby buy... this is wat i don't like.... but small matter la... cause trust that hubby know how to control...

 

[diymummy]

At least your mum sides with you. Hahaha.. If my mil were to complain to my mum, my mum will sure side with my mil and then come and give me a good lashing down.

My position is same as Phoebii mummy. We chose infant care.

Is your mil still looking after your first child? Maybe she can "focus" on the first child and then let the maid handle more of the 2nd child? Then she just keep watch of the maid to make sure she doesn't do anything funny. I mean, don't have to tell her to keep watch... I think with people around maids generally won't do anything funny.

Hard on you hun. At least your hubby's on your side. Though I must agree that most times must just swallow complaints coz complain too much will also strain relationship.

 

[Ting]

hard u on babe.
i guess sometimes really gotta count on your luck to see what kinda MIL u hv..
hoepfully my future MIL wont be like tt too.
but at least your hubby's on ur side n your mum also stands by u, so things r still ok. just hv to tolerate more. n if she's gg thru menopause, pray tt it'll be over soon!

 

[apollo]

Well..being in sales related job position..i have seen pple from all walks of life...hahaha..

i dare say my mother in law is some1 not easy to get along with..so depression/ menopause is of small influence here....

even my maid who is new told me she preferred my mum to my mother in law who tends to be fussier over small things

Lucky my hubby is a very nice person... i guess thats why i married him...btw: mother in law was even jealous over my hubby helping me with household chores and she told my mum! Imagine...??? !!! and my mum told her off saying its right for hubby to share the burden...and how m i (as a full time working mum) to cope with all chores and daughter and I didnt even hire any helper back then?

all mummies out there...count yourself lucky for not having such a SENSITIVE OLD AGE mother in law!

:err:

sry to say tt but by complaining such small issues to ur mum, ur mil is disgracing herself.

i dont stay with inlaws, i stay with my parents still, with my hubby & ds.. even staying with my mum will hav conflicts.. at least u r not staying with ur mil...

btw hw old is ur mil?? y she so dont lik ur hubby help u?? she v old fashion thinking??

 

[eileenpxp]

mummies out there..

thks for your listening ears!

well...she just turned 60 not long ago....well..u will be surprised if i tell you that she is a religious person, a devout SOKA believer who ought to be a peace-lover....

apparently she is far from it...in fact prior to her complaining...i have already got to know her displeasures on such petty stuff through my hubby as my hubby ``hinted'' to me before. I m okay as long as she doesnt step on my toes last time....i just respected her since she didnt complain to me directly...

well....she recently hurt her back...and apparently injury quite bad..so she's unable to carry my baby according to her...

anyway, i will take things a step a time...btw prior to hiring a maid:
she has earlier promised to shuttle herself to my place after i start work to save us the hassle of bringing whole lot to her place daily...

and the best thing now-->>>...she backed out ..and demanded us to bring maid and kids to her place instead...if she had agreed earlier..how can she back out like that....?! for me: i m a direct person..i wouldnt mind if this arrangement has been properly communicated .....not when i m still left with 3 more weeks of maternity leave?

just last week...(due to super long weekend)...she insisted my daughter to stay overnight at her place for a 3rd straight night after she spent 2 nights there....
and when my hubby asked her to bring my daughter back..she lamented saying that we couldnt trust her taking care of a kid.....come on..she is the one who say she couldnt even bathe my gal due to back problem and we have to seek her permission to bring back our gal during weekends!

fyi: she ``made use'' of my gal to be the ``shield'' in the her quarrels with her hubby (as my daughter is the apple of my father in law). How can i not be worried putting my gal at such a place that is filled with quarrels ...the quarrels sometimes led to pushes/ door slamming/ objects throwing even???

 

[diymummy]

Actually 2 yo can go for playgroup already... Ever considered that? Let her join playgroup play play... At least not the whole day facing quarrels...

 

[eileenpxp]

just to add: she is a temperamental person who likes to pass sarcastic remarks to us...she frequently:

- speak loudly/ rudely to my hubby
- expect my hubby to be her chauffeur (disturbing us during weekends by asking us to send her here and there...)
- spoil my gal (now my gal will be very naughty whenever she is around)

:embarrassed:

 

[CanCanMum]

just to add: she is a temperamental person who likes to pass sarcastic remarks to us...she frequently:

- speak loudly/ rudely to my hubby
- expect my hubby to be her chauffeur (disturbing us during weekends by asking us to send her here and there...)
- spoil my gal (now my gal will be very naughty whenever she is around)

:embarrassed:

*shakes head*

she thinks old pple = experienced and can Order pple around

 

[Ting]

i think many old ppl r like tt..

 

[apollo]

u dont u send ur girl to childcare? since now ur mil so sensitive alrdy, might as well send to childcare. send to cc, ur mil sure will say ur dont trust her, but u think again, now she also lik tt say alrdy. so might as well send to cc.. just told her send to cc ur girl can learn more things, make some frens..

 

[chiro]

hubby stand on your side is more important, imagine i stayin with in laws and hubby stand on parents side worse if my sil come back- whole family say the same thing and is the 'can say people , people cannot say them ' kind. I vent my frustrations by flaring up, slam door blast music when i was pregnant.now tat my son is out, my hubby will refuse me to carry my son and would rather feed him fm, and i will storm out of the house without hubby bother to stop me and i will take the car key and go for a spin

 

[Dreamrat]

I feel u! My mil is super sensitive too. It really irritated me and I quarreled with her twice (she denied her accusation of my mum bullying her as she told her relative that. She locked the main door, so my mum had to take out key to open doors when visiting my baby. Btw, she nvr lock the main door when we are ard). I learnt that there is no use explaining to her ( tried and knew that she had her own mind. No matter how u explained to her). I told hb that I dun wan her to take care of baby cos mil complained about her pain everyday. Pls! I dun need her to sacrifice. Mil will tell me she eats her lunch at 4/5pm. She also told me she is very stress when I asked about baby's EBM intake as I started working.

Btw, she was a gentle person when I first met her. It is only when she stayed with us and discussed about baby's matter, it revealed her true colours. My hb sided her cos after all he is the only child. My mil is even worse than urs. She can talk while tears flowing down. I dun wan my daughter in grow up with her influence.

 

[kylnn]

Hi Eileenpxp, I think your MIL is depressed over her problems with her hubby, so her emotions are overwrought and she's taking it out on you. Poor thing.

I think you could consider putting ur baby in infantcare & toddler in childcare. It might not be good for them to be with ur MIL as who knows what she might tell them while you at work. Not good for them to listen to all those false negative words about mommy. Also not good for them to be caught in between grandma & grandpa's quarrel. Your inlaw's place is definitely not a good environment for them to grow up in. Also it may be dangerous since MIL is now emotional unstable; she may take it out on your kids or an accident might happen due to negligence.

Maybe just tell her that putting the kids in childcare is a temporary thing and that you just want to try out. And that childcare is good as the teachers there will teach them things.

By the way, if MIL complain to your mom again, tell your mom to reply 'I donno! Children grown up just let them be!" That's what my dad said to my MIL when she called to my parents haha. After 2 phonecalls, MIL gave up!