stay with in-laws or not?

[peppermint]

Dear..i dnt understand chinese laa..bt i dowan to be labelled as a bad Dil like his Sil..

Sorry ah, but I think most MILs will always label their DILs as no good. No matter how good she is. So you can forget about trying la. Just stay a distance and be polite. That's all. Don't bother to waste time and effort unless she is really the nice MIL kind.

 

[Iqa]

Peppermint..so true..but i cn see she likes 2nd Dil..

 

[Alisa]

my hubby n i have been trying to ballot for BTO.. all along his plans was to let his mum move in w us and let her rent her house out for extra income.. but as of recent months, he seems to change his mind abt it and say most prob we will move out alone.. think i m the factor for the change of mine..



i guess sometimes not much choice for us ladies.. female n male r not exactly equal when it comes to marriage..

my hubby ever thought of this too, to ask his parents to stay with us then they rent out their flat but after my son is born, mil & me got into some heated disagreement and even fil don like me (sometimes) then i heard he was talking to his friend about mil & dil relationship and he say he will drop about asking his parents to stay with us in the future!!! YEAH!!!

 

[mumm]

if can, dun stay wit in laws!!!!! i havin tis exp right now. staying w my mil n the whole family. n den hav to tolerate her saying my bad to my baby and infront of all the family members! sometimes its jus so angry to hear those directly at my presence. no choice, waiting for my BTO to come soon!! cant wait!

dun expect ur hubby mummy or family to treat u like their own. dey wont, onli ur own family r the true ones.
no matter how, mus tolerate in laws and i understand hubby is sandwiched in betw wenever i in bad mood. thanks hubby though. hehe

 

[KAmum]

I would prefer stay w your parents. Lucky my bf (mama's boy that he is) agreed to stY w my family after marriage whuuuuuu ! MIL problem solved (for now.) stay w someone else Iqa. Anyone but them. What peppermint says is true, no mattr how hard u try n please her, it wnt work. Believe.me the harder i tried the more i got yelled at. Zzz fck

 

[KiBin]

KiBin hon..ive always been the 'aiyaa up to u laa'..hahaa...now regret liao... ^^v

Anyway..im still wondering wad comes in a guy's head if the word marriage pops out..hehee..and i heard 95%(or so) guys change when they're married..clarify pls..

depends on what you see as change... but as the saying goes "leopard never changes it's spots"....

certain things are hard to change... with marriage, by staying together, you get to see "more" of each other's character and habits and you might feel there is change although all along it has been more or less the same...

 

[KiBin]

Family outing wif them is so not fun..the mum gets tired easily n wants to go home early..bla bla...

looks like you have built up some resentment against her now and it would not be easy to live with her in future...

 

[Iqa]

I took the big step of getting engaged to him..it wasnt hard at all..
Bt now,for the BIGGEST STEP EVER,wahh super hard uhh..things happen one after another..sumtimes like 1 2 give up liao..but cannot mah..
Every mum wants the best for her child..maybe dats y she wants a gd Dil to take care of her son wen she dies?
So maybe i cn jux try putting up wif her?
Maybe she's not dat bad afterall?
Maybe...maybe...maybe...
Certain part she's ok laa bt certain part no laa..

 

[peppermint]

I took the big step of getting engaged to him..it wasnt hard at all..
Bt now,for the BIGGEST STEP EVER,wahh super hard uhh..things happen one after another..sumtimes like 1 2 give up liao..but cannot mah..
Every mum wants the best for her child..maybe dats y she wants a gd Dil to take care of her son wen she dies?
So maybe i cn jux try putting up wif her?
Maybe she's not dat bad afterall?
Maybe...maybe...maybe...
Certain part she's ok laa bt certain part no laa..

true, but your man must also learn to look after you and care for you... not just rest every burden upon you... marriage is a 2-way thing... it takes 2 to work


from what you shared, it looks like he is still too dependent on his mum... probably his mum will expect you to be as meticulous as her and follow her example... then she will judge all your actions and behaviour... she may want to make sure that you fit into her ideal image of a perfect daughter-in-law


some more... she even went to the extent of criticising what you wear now... then how to stay with her like that ???

I second that! Iqa, listen to us. If she can even bother to criticized on your dressing, what more can she not do?!!
Unless your future MIL is a fashion designer or a fashion editor... Haha

 

[peppermint]

I took the big step of getting engaged to him..it wasnt hard at all..
Bt now,for the BIGGEST STEP EVER,wahh super hard uhh..things happen one after another..sumtimes like 1 2 give up liao..but cannot mah..
Every mum wants the best for her child..maybe dats y she wants a gd Dil to take care of her son wen she dies?
So maybe i cn jux try putting up wif her?
Maybe she's not dat bad afterall?
Maybe...maybe...maybe...
Certain part she's ok laa bt certain part no laa..

Iqa, it's not about finding a good DIL so that the good DIL will take good care of her son when she's no longer around.

MILs are just unhappy that now her son has another woman in his life and that she needs to share or may not even get to share or control his life anymore. No matter how good you both treats her, how much money you both give her, she will still be insecure.

There are many things you haven't seen. Once you are married, there will be this issue with money. Have you asked your boyfriend:

if he has his own saving account or is it joint account with his mummy??

Are you able to accept that if he refuses to close that joint account with his mummy?

You think he will disclose how much is in there? Or ask mummy??

If he intends to have a joint account with you??

At the end of the day, who controls the house financials?

Do you have a say over how he use his monthly salary? Or mummy will handle for him??

 

[Alisa]

Iqa:



You will surely regret if you choose to stay with your in-laws, since you describe how much you dislike your MIL now, even before marriage already this pattern. Then your boyfriend also sticks to his mum so much, and keeps standing up for her. Please delay the wedding, until your new flat is ready. If you give in now, you probably may experience misery everyday of your life, just like many of us here also have bad experience with in-laws. Think carefully.


Did you ask yourself: Why do you want to marry in the first place? Loving someone and living together with someone are both 2 very different issues. Are you financially capable now? Do you have a stable job now? Is your relationship mature enough? Do you and your boyfriend love each other so much that you both are willing to go through thicks and thins together? Do you both love each other so much that you both are willing to live a shared life together? Have you thought through all these questions already? Did you ask your boyfriend too?


There are couples who marry on impulse, and then to end up in divorce later. I am not saying it will happen to you. I only hope you both can have a quiet time and think through all these carefully, before you agree to marriage. This is all for your own good. The female is always at the losing end, if the relationship turns foul. So please ponder, while you still have the time now.


Once you married, your children belong to your in-laws too. They will want to be in control, wherever and whenever they can. And you become theirs. This is especially so, if you were to live with your in-laws after marriage. It is always better NOT to live together with your in-laws.

i totally agreed with kimitsusei! They will wan their with YOUR baby! U cannot do things YOUR way, have to be THEIR way! Even tho the way the do are WRONG! i have lots of disagreement with my in-laws all due to the way we take care, they feel its wrong and they way they do, we feel is wrong too!

 

[peppermint]

Some other questions you should think about:

How often can you spend time with him, just the both of you?

How often can you spend time with him and your parents? Trust me, your MIL will get jealous now that her son is going to call another woman "mother".

Do you have to report to her on whatever you do?

On your off days and if your hubby is still at work, you wouldn't be able to have rest at home because you will need to 'entertain' her.

If you are doing home mask, she will start to question you. How much you spent on these beauty products, etc. Because she will assume you are spending her son's money. Believe me, my MIL is unhappy whenever I have colored nails. She said it aloud (in Cantonese) that I have hubby to support me. When it's my own money that I used for Mani and Pedi. I didn't rebuke her. I tolerated but I went crazy with her. Hahahaha.

How about your FIL? Is he easy to get along?

Do you think you will get privacy at all when you stay together?

Are you able to trust your MIL as to not to ransack your stuff when you are at work? Tough question. Most of us wouldn't know until you know her longer. I have friends' MILs who are so crazy that the MIL wore her undergarments, pour all her facial products into another bottle for their own use, etc. Well, my MIL then Aunty uses my shaver w/o my knowledge, stole my costume jewelleries when I stayed over at their place during dating time.

Must you also disclose your monthly salary because her son does that?

Will she be unhappy if you come home late after a night out with your friends? Trust me, some of them are clocking you. What time you come home, how long you shower. Whether you waste water bill or not.

My hubby used to be a mummy's boy and he is still but not so attached anymore. It takes years and one bad incident to change him.

Have you read my thread - Mdm L from hell? It's under home life, relationship & finance. There are a lot of MILs threads started by other mummies too. Go experience it.

 

[Alisa]

Some other questions you should think about:

How often can you spend time with him, just the both of you?

How often can you spend time with him and your parents? Trust me, your MIL will get jealous now that her son is going to call another woman "mother".

Do you have to report to her on whatever you do?

On your off days and if your hubby is still at work, you wouldn't be able to have rest at home because you will need to 'entertain' her.

If you are doing home mask, she will start to question you. How much you spent on these beauty products, etc. Because she will assume you are spending her son's money. Believe me, my MIL is unhappy whenever I have colored nails. She said it aloud (in Cantonese) that I have hubby to support me. When it's my own money that I used for Mani and Pedi. I didn't rebuke her. I tolerated but I went crazy with her. Hahahaha.

How about your FIL? Is he easy to get along?

Do you think you will get privacy at all when you stay together?

Are you able to trust your MIL as to not to ransack your stuff when you are at work? Tough question. Most of us wouldn't know until you know her longer. I have friends' MILs who are so crazy that the MIL wore her undergarments, pour all her facial products into another bottle for their own use, etc. Well, my MIL then Aunty uses my shaver w/o my knowledge, stole my costume jewelleries when I stayed over at their place during dating time.

Must you also disclose your monthly salary because her son does that?

Will she be unhappy if you come home late after a night out with your friends? Trust me, some of them are clocking you. What time you come home, how long you shower. Whether you waste water bill or not.

My hubby used to be a mummy's boy and he is still but not so attached anymore. It takes years and one bad incident to change him.

Have you read my thread - Mdm L from hell? It's under home life, relationship & finance. There are a lot of MILs threads started by other mummies too. Go experience it.

its true that u will not have privacy, in anything u do. now, no matter how tired i am, i still cannot take leave to stay at home cuz his mom is around and even if i am on MC, i am not! i have to do things. sometimes i wish i will go book a hotel and just sleep.

 

[Iqa]

Alisa hun...ur Mil really did that?! That is sooo blearghh..ure 1 strong woman to b able to put up wif that..
Oh ya..
My work requires me to carry boxes.evry single day...big boxes filled wif heavy books.tiring mah..
Ok so,i ever slept there for a week to see what happens in their everyday life..me & fiance took a week off frm work..2nd day i cannot tahan edi..off day=rest day wad..wake me up soo early..then aftrnoon go here la go there laa..take taxi summore!!its not that im stingy la..bt i oso nid to use money lor..

 

[peppermint]

Alisa hun...ur Mil really did that?! That is sooo blearghh..ure 1 strong woman to b able to put up wif that..
Oh ya..
My work requires me to carry boxes.evry single day...big boxes filled wif heavy books.tiring mah..
Ok so,i ever slept there for a week to see what happens in their everyday life..me & fiance took a week off frm work..2nd day i cannot tahan edi..off day=rest day wad..wake me up soo early..then aftrnoon go here la go there laa..take taxi summore!!its not that im stingy la..bt i oso nid to use money lor..

wayang wayang a bit... say you not feeling well... cannot go anywhere... then laze in bed whole day... can't you just reject firmly by saying you need to rest today?

Yup. I'm not the wayang kind. But I does that when I want to avoid his mother. At times, I will even give in doing it his way after all my 'wayang' like headache, cramps etc.... Then i say I'm doing it because she is your mother, so got to show respect. Shows that I'm so gracious and i am making a sacrifice.
Half way, I can pretend to be very tired or headache is getting worse and good excuse to end whatever thing that I have to do with her early. And if my face black black, hubby cannot say much because I'm not feeling well. Heh!

 

[KiBin]

Alisa hun...ur Mil really did that?! That is sooo blearghh..ure 1 strong woman to b able to put up wif that..
Oh ya..
My work requires me to carry boxes.evry single day...big boxes filled wif heavy books.tiring mah..
Ok so,i ever slept there for a week to see what happens in their everyday life..me & fiance took a week off frm work..2nd day i cannot tahan edi..off day=rest day wad..wake me up soo early..then aftrnoon go here la go there laa..take taxi summore!!its not that im stingy la..bt i oso nid to use money lor..

from what you posted, i think you better consider and discuss with your HTB on how to deal with future life...

i also encounter MIL problems so i prefer not to stay with MIL...

 

[KAmum]

Wow peppermint and Iqa, you both damn strong. Hahaha i dont think i can tahan so long @-@

 

[peppermint]

Wow peppermint and Iqa, you both damn strong. Hahaha i dont think i can tahan so long @-@

Kamum, I no choice. I'm already married to him and sadly to his family as well. And to think that she was a nice Aunty until I slowly have a taste of her medicine. Luckily I'm not staying with her so I still get to breathe at the right pace until I see her on Sunday for lunch.

 

[felicity]

I am facing the same as some of u. My husband bought this flat n stay with his parents b4 I married him. His elder siblings all moved out le, so he is youngest n like some of u said abt ur own husbands, most doted on. I've been living with my in laws for 4+ years so far... I am v easy going and fortunately so is his mum, so no conflict this far.

My only complaints to my gfs is I don't get to cook or learn to cook cos that's my MIL's kitchen, not mine! I dun like to go in touch this touch that... And the kind if utensils she uses are different from my mum's which im more used to. Sometimes still feel like a tenant.

Now expecting will worry in future will have conflict in bringing up baby though :/

 

[Iqa]

I do too much wayang edi..hehee..3 mths edi i nvr go there..i say bz werking no time to visit2..hahaa..