stay with in-laws or not?
- Thread starter Iqa
- Start date
I stayed with my in-laws for 3years plus and it turned up to be a series of nightmares.
My mother in law literally shouted at me for things that I did not do. Basically, she believes her darling son deserves someone better than me... like those gentle Vietnamese gals... Well, she told me that before we actually got married.
I'm someone with independent thinking and prefer mutual respect... For this, it's not really achievable with her... she's always right kind of attitude. For he past 30 years, she's the queen among her husband and 2 sons. No one question her authority. She do not have to "give face" to the 3 men who will always give in to her. In fact, I had a mild depression when staying with her.
Now that I've moved out and pregnant, I'm very much happier. However, she starts to make things difficult for my husband as she strongly believe I'll not let her have the grandson... or my son once he's born... Actually, I do plan to keep my distance from her although I'll not mind bringing my son over to pay them short visit, once weekly.
My mother in law literally shouted at me for things that I did not do. Basically, she believes her darling son deserves someone better than me... like those gentle Vietnamese gals... Well, she told me that before we actually got married.
I'm someone with independent thinking and prefer mutual respect... For this, it's not really achievable with her... she's always right kind of attitude. For he past 30 years, she's the queen among her husband and 2 sons. No one question her authority. She do not have to "give face" to the 3 men who will always give in to her. In fact, I had a mild depression when staying with her.
Now that I've moved out and pregnant, I'm very much happier. However, she starts to make things difficult for my husband as she strongly believe I'll not let her have the grandson... or my son once he's born... Actually, I do plan to keep my distance from her although I'll not mind bringing my son over to pay them short visit, once weekly.
Yah.. I would say Im the lucky ones out of the rest. But if you left with no choice but to stay with ur in laws, I would advise u to be patient, try not to argue with them even though they can be nasty as times coz at the end of the day u will still have to face her as u all live under the same roof. The art of survival is to respect them, no argue back no matter wat n act blur if u can. Even though u know u r right, once u both had quarrelled u'll definitely get negative impression for her. That's solely my personal opinion.. This applies to u whereby u got no choice but to stay with ur in laws forever. Good luck!
KiBin
Member
as the saying goes... "act blur, live longer"...
My hubby n I used to hv the same pblm.. He is the only child n his dad passed away several years ago.. So he is pretty much a mummy's boy..
He keep saying he hv to check w his mum until I got so upset n blast at him saying tt he is nt wrong in respecting his mum decision but I hv to consider my parents' too.. So I said if we can't come to an agreement, we might as well dun get married as I hv given the utmost compromising factor n tt is to stay w his mum even after we gt marry..
So in the end, he kinda consulted his frens n came to realise tt he is marrying me n not his mum.. It's about 2 families decision n not just his mum..
Till this date, even when I m pregnant w his son, his mum hates my parents as I manage to psycho my hubby into considering my parents feelings during the wedding arrangement.. She is somehow jealous tt my hubby sides me 1/2 the time now.. N tt I spend my weekend w my parents instead.. But come on, I m staying w her.. So I spend ample time at Hm, it's just tt she had her own activities 1/2 the time.. So it's nt my fault tt she is nt Hm 1/2 the tym..
She even try to psycho my hubby to change my confinement arrangements even tho it is agreed tt my mum is doing it for me as my mum is not working n she is.. N her reason for the change is tt she dun feel right tt she is not doing my confinement as it is her grandson we r toking abt.. My hubby gt so pissed tt he said 'then not her parents grandson meh?! She doing confinement w them for 40 days then come Hm already.. After tt u can c ur grandson everyday where as they only c theirs during the weekend'..
Lucky I hv my hubby's support now, if nt I sure get pre-natal n post-natal depression!!
He keep saying he hv to check w his mum until I got so upset n blast at him saying tt he is nt wrong in respecting his mum decision but I hv to consider my parents' too.. So I said if we can't come to an agreement, we might as well dun get married as I hv given the utmost compromising factor n tt is to stay w his mum even after we gt marry..
So in the end, he kinda consulted his frens n came to realise tt he is marrying me n not his mum.. It's about 2 families decision n not just his mum..
Till this date, even when I m pregnant w his son, his mum hates my parents as I manage to psycho my hubby into considering my parents feelings during the wedding arrangement.. She is somehow jealous tt my hubby sides me 1/2 the time now.. N tt I spend my weekend w my parents instead.. But come on, I m staying w her.. So I spend ample time at Hm, it's just tt she had her own activities 1/2 the time.. So it's nt my fault tt she is nt Hm 1/2 the tym..
She even try to psycho my hubby to change my confinement arrangements even tho it is agreed tt my mum is doing it for me as my mum is not working n she is.. N her reason for the change is tt she dun feel right tt she is not doing my confinement as it is her grandson we r toking abt.. My hubby gt so pissed tt he said 'then not her parents grandson meh?! She doing confinement w them for 40 days then come Hm already.. After tt u can c ur grandson everyday where as they only c theirs during the weekend'..
Lucky I hv my hubby's support now, if nt I sure get pre-natal n post-natal depression!!
Same kinda feeling.. and worse of all, the flat is under his mum's name.. and we have no luck w BTO all this time.. sians..
sometimes i will stay over w my mum to hide and destress..
Chewysee
Member
At least you all can try BTO. We cant even afford cause our marriage was unplanned. If i go back to mum's or dad's, they will think my hubby never protect me enough. later more problems. Aiya... i think this is my life bah. What to do? who ask me to be so careless. Feel so unwelcome here. everytime have to tahan their attitude. really pek chek. sometimes really thinking if this is all worth it anot. I really just want a life alone with my bb.
Chewysee
Member
Haha. Thanks! I really appreciate this website. Can share our feelings. It is good to know that i'm not alonehi Chewysee , I cn emphatize w you heheh
hehei can understand what u mean.. i always go to my parent's place to hide, but i nv tell them what happen.. i always use the excuse that the weather v hot.. i need to slp in air-con rm.. coz my mil dun allow us to install air-con coz she say not gd for the body.. but the weather is super hot.. then if i shower too many tyms or on too many fan, she will say that i waste electricity and the bills will be v costly.. haix.. i dun dare to tell my hubby what happen.. coz i dun want him to flare at his mum coz his mum will bear grudges against me..
sometimes i try to find a balance w my mil, but i will tend to hit my limit and flare at my hubby.. then bo bian will have to tell him wat happen.. haix.. so tired at times..
yea.. this forum is gd for us to vent out our frustrations, share our feelings and clarify our doubts...Haha. Thanks! I really appreciate this website. Can share our feelings. It is good to know that i'm not alone
my hubby thinks its a gd webby too.. he reads from time to time to understand how i feel and all..
Chewysee
Member
Wahh... Envy you leh. My hubby already knows how I extremely hate his mother. I am somebody who cannot keep things in my heart. But I think he going crazy soon if I keep complaining because he keeps getting stuck in between situations. So in order not to make his life difficult, I try to keep my feelings to myself. Which is extremely depressing.
so nowadays, whenever I get angry, I try to think of bb and calm myself downmy hubby prefers me to complain to him whenever things happen, even if it is every nite, rather than i explode all at once to him or explode at his mum.. but there are times nowadays (think it is the hormones part) tt i will just cry and won't say anything that drives him mad..Wahh... Envy you leh. My hubby already knows how I extremely hate his mother. I am somebody who cannot keep things in my heart. But I think he going crazy soon if I keep complaining because he keeps getting stuck in between situations. So in order not to make his life difficult, I try to keep my feelings to myself. Which is extremely depressing.
i guess hubby must b understanding, especially when u r staying w his mum.. coz it is for u to fit into a different lifestyle, ask ur hubby to imagine staying with ur mum.. ask him to put himself in ur shoes.. thats wat i ask my hubby to do..
but i guess i am lucky coz my hubby noes what his mum character is like..
Chewysee
Member
I try to feedback to him everynight, but he gets very annoyed. Then when I explode all at once, he say I'm being mean. Then when I ask him to be empathetic, he says he don't mind if my mum was like his. Then I will tell him "ofcourse you're saying things so easy la! Cause it's just an example what, and my parents are very understanding, they don't nag at you or scold you" i was scolded by his mother several times you know, like she literally shout at me infront of hubby but he does nothing! He just stand there and keep quiet. And because I have to respect that she is his mother, I keep quiet, then I go toilet and cry. You see, what kind of person I am with? She can go around scolding other people's daughter like that? As If I don't have mother or father? I don't even dare to tell my parents about this. What the hell?! You think this kind of husband can mah? Arbo I ask his mother to come up to my house and I ask my parents to scold her son infront of her la. See how she feels.
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Chewysee
Member
Wah.... Why must move in tgt with you all? Very stress leh. He no other siblings to take care of his mother?