Unstable relationship with wife

[wanderful]

Ever since the baby is born, my wife would always like to pick quarrel with me over minor problem at home ranging from cleaniness,walking around the house,must give baby full attention, weekend must stay at home ,laundry can only do on sunday, doesn't allow baby to touch here and there.....and many more.

We do not have financial worries, no third party and i always stay at home with family.....occasionally maybe once a month go for my favourite sports..

 

[diymummy]

Is your wife taking care of the baby full-time? Have you ever talked to your wife abt how she is reacting? If she is the full time care giver to your child without any other form of help at home, it can be really stressful and tiring and even more so if your wife is a clean freak.

During my maternity leave, I was at home with my son 24 hrs. Weekends I also just want my hubby to be at home. It was a very stressful season for me and I also lose my temper alot at my hubby, not because he is not doing enough but beacuse I really feel very tired and very stressed from the lack of social interaction for myself as well.

I think you should try to talk to your wife abt her feelings and see what the root of the problem is then try to resolve it.

 

[wanderful]

Is your wife taking care of the baby full-time? Have you ever talked to your wife about how she is reacting? If she is the full time care giver to your child without any other form of help at home, it can be really stressful and tiring and even more so if your wife is a clean freak.

During my maternity leave, I was at home with my son 24 hours. Weekends I also just want my hubby to be at home. It was a very stressful season for me and I also lose my temper alot at my hubby, not because he is not doing enough but beacuse I really feel very tired and very stressed from the lack of social interaction for myself as well.

I think you should try to talk to your wife about her feelings and see what the root of the problem is then try to resolve it.

Hi Moderator,

Yes, she is a full time care giver but will be back to the work force soon. Well i have offer to employ a maid to help in the house chores but she refused simply because of personal privacy and doesn't want to has more burden keeping an eye on the maid...

 

[myanlay]

remember being that stage. 1st time mummy and etc. My husband blow his top and it was like a turning point for me. He is very quiet man, doesnt talk much But he sure know how to show his expression. I wanted to do all by my own and didnt know actually he was waiting for me to make mistake. Then one day I blew my top and stressing on him tis and tat. What he do next was pissing me off. He walk off to and go to sleep. The next day He simply do nothing about it. Then I demand for reply. Wow how spicy he can be. He said Being a father doesn't mean I have the right to change him and since I thought I was being a good mother, yet I fail to be a good wife. Blaming on me or pick a fight is very tiring so as a man sleeping his more reasonable as you dont trigger a man patience as he can leave me and leave everything behind. Is that what I want? He warn me to stop complaining and comparing the first few year of our marriage was a wake up call for me. You got to be stern and in control then she will change for you. We women like to be control or to be tame. There many things that to be respected and both of you got to change together then raising kids will be wonderful.

I was an executive myself once and now I am stay home mummy. Whatever I am now, I got his full support and I am so thankful for him for turning me from a brat to PERSON. We have 4kids and we are celebrating 10yrs marriage in June.

Embrace life not blame life.
Good Luck.

 

[noelsmum]

Maybe your wife might be suffering from post natal depression. Find a time to have a chat with her but do it when both of you are calm and not angry. Does she go out with her friends? And if you don't think that you can talk to her, maybe write her an email to express how you feel. But put it in the gentle way. Women do tend to think that they do everything because to a certain extent they do take care of the baby and home more than the husband. But at the same time, we can overlook how much our husbands have done for us. And if things do go worse, maybe go for marriage counseling. Sometimes we tend to listen to advise that's given by a 3rd party. There's also a possibility that she can't see what she's doing to the marriage. I've to watch myself constantly that I don't get mad and yell at my husband all the time. I want him to enjoy our son but there are times that I wish he'll do more to care of our son and I forget that he's stressed at work and there's are times that he has to travel for work too. And it's when he tells me how he feels that I understand him better.

 

[supergal]

Maybe your wife might be suffering from post natal depression. Find a time to have a chat with her but do it when both of you are calm and not angry. Does she go out with her friends? And if you don't think that you can talk to her, maybe write her an email to express how you feel. But put it in the gentle way. Women do tend to think that they do everything because to a certain extent they do take care of the baby and home more than the husband. But at the same time, we can overlook how much our husbands have done for us. And if things do go worse, maybe go for marriage counseling. Sometimes we tend to listen to advise that's given by a 3rd party. There's also a possibility that she can't see what she's doing to the marriage. I've to watch myself constantly that I don't get mad and yell at my husband all the time. I want him to enjoy our son but there are times that I wish he'll do more to care of our son and I forget that he's stressed at work and there's are times that he has to travel for work too. And it's when he tells me how he feels that I understand him better.

it shouldn't be post-natal cos the baby was already one year old...unless the wife has been behaving as such ever since the baby was born!

 

[supergal]

hi wanderful,

from what you have described, i think you are pretty much a family man! and i think you are doing so much more in helping (like the household chores) as compared to many men out there! i had the same feeling as your wife when i was on maternity leave...cos i had to look after my boy 24/7 and will get a little pissed whenever he text me that he will be late home...like 8pm (usually is 7pm). and when we go out, i used to look at only fashion apparels but now, i will straight away zoom to kids or baby section in department stores...my life seems to revolve around only the baby and nothing else! my husband even commented that i was obsessed with the baby.

i guess that was because your wife really needed someone around the house...to talk to or to help to look after your baby..for that little while. i think i'm also quite a demanding person in the sense that i expect my hubby to be able to do whatever i can do...like feeding, changing diapers, putting baby to sleep, bathing, etc....and even waking up in the middle on the night to help with the night feeds! sometimes he takes like 15min to eat his dinner, i will tell him off (cos i usually take my meals in 5 minutes) and said why are you taking so long to eat a simple meal!!!! i guess sometimes he is also pissed off at me for wanting him to do this and that...and he will even ask for my permission to meet up with his frens after work..like once in a month only..for fear that i will be angry to be leaving myself to take care of baby alone...now our relationship is much better because he understands what i wanted him to be in his fatherly roles and i will try to be more understanding to him as well. i truly appreciate him for being my great assistance in helping to look after our little one and sometimes, i find him doing a better job than i am. i feel fortunate to have him around me..

i guess it voice down to expectations in the end. get your wife to loosen up a bit. indeed, i really find working is less stressful as compared to being a SAHM! she will have to learn to let go at times! i don't have much help with the taking care part and when my baby is 2 months old, i had to send him to the infant care cos i need to work! and now, my baby is still a healthy 8 month old! infant care isn't really as bad as many pple thought...true that the poor child may be sick often but i take it as part of the process in helping him to build up immunities!

i think you are nice man...hope you will have a chance to talk to your wife soon on expectations issues!

good luck!

 

[wanderful]

Thank you everyone for the advice & sharing your experience. Seem like all of you has become a much better, understanding and sensible wife thru experiences over the years. Sometimes i really dun understand why...

During the first 3 months, i still get to meet up with friends once a month until my wife blow her top and always complaint that i
treat my friends and family members better than her.....can't stand her for making such comment.
Even until today, she wld brought up this topic whenever we have argument..bickering and quarrel are so often that we wld raise our voice until the whole block can hear us....sad thing. What kind of family is this.. I do not think she is suffering for depression due to her strong character ,personality and she is always blunt with her remarks. think i'm the person going to suffered from depression soon or stroke probably.

I do encourage my wife to meet her friend for some tea during the weekend afternoon but she always claim that the baby will become cracky when she come back. Maybe she think the baby is not well taken care off because of the way i handle ...she tends to be over protective. i have suggested to her to order special delivery if i cannot come back on time because i have something on, she would tell me that she can't cope and has no time for dinner because the baby will be yelling for her attention...is it so difficult need 2 person to look after the baby...i have even turn down my boss to working overtime last month( 5 week project)...isn't that good enough.
Well, i'm just a normal husband hoping to have a happy & peaceful family....if my wife can be more flexible and close an eye on certain matter...life would be smooth sailing. Well it the weekend, wonder what to expect at home tonight..will it be another round of storm.

 

[noelsmum]

Maybe, you could raise to your wife that you could lose your job if you turn down working overtime. But honestly, have a chat with your wife. If this goes on, I won't be surprise if you walk away from the marriage or have an affair. But wait, that's not what I'm encouraging you to do. But let her know that you love her and want things to work out. But if the home is hell and not a sanctuary, it's easy for you to walk away over time

 

[furbee]

Our baby is out yet, but i do face similar probs with my husband. He's the sort to stay home 24/7, hooked on his online games. It was hard sharing my thoughts with him especially when i was in my 2nd trimester.
Was hoping he can lend me a listening ear, sit beside me, and even bring me out for a simple meal. But it all din't happen. Ya, everyone has different lvl of patience, and even tolerances lvl. therefore i salute him, he can be so patient with me nagging him of playing & playing.
He does work, and still find time for his games. I accepted thats the way he is, and accompanied his gaming habits till today.
Though he now finds time to acc me doing my favorite activities, i also do hope that when baby is out, i can still find my patience to talk to him.

Even I cant stand my temper, or worst a control-freak. But as time passes, and nothing change, i feel that i'm always in control and thats when the real problem is and i wont admit.
I am glad to have a hubby who can straightforwardly tell me my weakness(thou i hate to admit), and even my temper. When you love someone, there's always a way.
Dont feel hurt, angry or upset if ur words dont get through to her. Cause it takes damn a lot of time and patience before things work out well (thou may not be the perfect picture).
Hope everything will be better for u ^^

 

[rainbow123]

Hi TS, i think your wife is badly burn out..
I guess the only way out is have a good talk with your wife . Tell her how u feel .
Of course no quarrel please . Just tell her to listen while you talk , no interrupt from her . Then let her talk when you finish .
You need to manage the expectation between both of you .

Looking at you remind me to be nicer to my hubby ..

 

[stonston]

Since she don't like to step out of the house, ask her to come forum and chit chat with other mummies! Then she won't feel 'isolated'

 

[MsKoh1973]

Your in laws still around? Maybe can bring your wife and kids to visit your in laws, at least she can get out of the existing environment and do something different. If she think that you not taking care of the bb well, then u may want to let her know that u want to learn from her how to be better.

When my girl young, I also dun feel comfortable leaving my husband alone w my girl, there was once, tho my husband watching her (just see away for a minute or so), my girl fell off the bed and stuck up side down in between the bed and the wall. I heard the loud noise, run inside the room, my husband still sit on the bed, staring, dunnoe how to react, goodness.....

Is really not easy to handle the bb, esp whole day, last time my husband oso said he can handle, but when my girl cried (only one month old), my husband go shake her and scream at her to shut up. My husband is well known for his patience, and yet he could do such things. kekekekek

Give her a little bit of time, maybe u can buy little gifts for her to cheer her up, or buy some games that u and her can be engaged at the same time while looking after the bb. U need to build up her trust in u to handle the bb.

If you really love her, give her and yourself more time to adapt to the new life.

 

[hotmilktea]

my hubby and I has communicated that no matter what, each of us will be the priority, not our kids in the future. that is because we see a lot of our friends and families that focus too much on their children and as time goes by, all the communication evolves around the children, and there seems there is no two of them anymore. every single thing is children this, children that. but we have come to agree that both of us are the ones that grow old together, our kids will be sticky to me, as mummy. but how long will the kid stick with me? probably only the first few years of their lives and later they got their own live, their got their own friends, and do they still wanna sleep in the same room as us? not for sure. i just got pregnant and of coz as this is our first pregnancy, i am very careful about my health and the baby...but i will always remind myself that my hubby will be the one that listens to me and be with me all the time. i dont know what will happen when my baby is born, i might turn out to be a mummy freak - but i have my hubby to remind me about his presence

 

[HoneybunnyZ]

Hi TS, I wish my hubby would read your posts ...
And I am the exact opposite situation here. I am the one that get shouted at for sometimes the smallest reason, he does not help at all most times even times when I am
Sick he can just leave things or dishes or rubbish there till I asked him
Nicely to please help or my mom's helper came to bring me food and she would do it for me. Of cos my mom helper would be rather annOyed and she would tell my mom and my mo would grill me ... So the story goes on.

I was never good at housework and I used to be the kind that finds creativity in mess whereas my hubby is also super disorganized and messy
But I am making an effort to improve as I want to set a good example to my boy.
I can't even fight back when I am shouted at for sometimes no big reason ,
You know the feeling you got to swallow and swallow your tears and anger back till your heart and throAt hurts ? Cos I don't want my son to see me lose it and screamed back at my hubby. I dont wish to frighten him. So I ren and still talk to my boy properly and do my usual stuff with him... End up I emotionally stress till I fell sick
I know he tired, he works 5 day week, got to travel, though he gets to leave at 6pm most times, he works in JE and we live in the north east.
But .... Putting bread on the table oh yes I am grateful .... However if a man is Always tired , Always in a bad pms mood, always picky but never look at himself.... So untidy I tell u guys u be shocked... It really doesn't matter what position you hold in the office you know.
Just one simple example: cut nails on table, or chair, it stays there till I see it the next day ... Yes finger n toe nails everywhere on table....
There was once because he was again snapping non stop at me ... After my not slept , I told him I want to separate. It's bad enough preg he also like so lazy to get dinner and I worked so late still got to walk a distance to buy food for him ... Cos y? He tired lor

So TS I think you should gather what you read here, catch her in a good mood and have a good talk with her. Be tactful and careful not to sound like you are comparing, let her know you appreciate her taking care of the baby and tell her you recognize it's very stressful .
Do encourage her to go out on a date with you even just two times a month better than nothing.
Does she enjoy massage or facial? Treat her to one once a month
But communicate with her you need your space too not because you don't care, but we need our space once in awhile to relax stay sane from all the daily stress at work.
Maybe neg with her like twice a month you mentioned you ll do some activities on your own, take a couple hours 'off' not the whole day.
Let her know you love and respect her work at home and you are trying your best to contribute but if work requires ot, please ask her to understand you are doing it for the family.

Don't wait till like me, I wish my hubby is at home but he will sudd get so stressful to be around I rather he travels
You think I want to just concentrate on my boy only ? How not to when my boy talks to me more than my hub, smiles more than him in one month, and is more loving than my hub?
It's hard to talk to someone whom always seem so cold and sighing away like the world is ending just because at times his colleagues play politics.
I have been at the brunt of the worst politics before I know it's horrid...
But if a spouse is always so unpleasant to be around with , relationships can fall apart.

I understand being a sahm can be emotionally draining more than physical at times and I yearn to have frens you know... I lost all my single frens, most I know always don't hang out often ... Friendships are one sided ...so i guess she can't lose her closest fren and that is - you.
Sorry for the long post....

 

[Triquetra]

Somehow I feel that both of you need to see a marriage counsellor and not just her. I understand where your current mindset comes from but I think your wife can feel it even if you have not told her word for word what you said about "i'm feel more relieved at work than at home.....married life really unthinkable".

When given such feelings or impression, there is no doubt why your wife isn't contented but frustrated. Like what others have said, being a SAHM is not just physically exhausting but emotionally and mentally as well. Maybe you are still not aware of how important or how much of a difference your presence can make, not just as a pair of helping hands but also as a form of emotional/mental relief and support.

I know it is not healthy for her to be so dependent but I guess adapting is a long process and will require time. Regarding the tea with friends on weekend, some mommies will take longer to feel comfortable enough to leave her child with another person. Or it can be that somehow she is craving for some quality family time with you and the child but is lost and confused about how to achieve that.

When a wife has an undestanding and loving husband, a lot of other things will seem more tolerable. By understanding, it isn't just doing things but doing things out of empathy. Your wife may be unhappy because you have been giving her a feeling that you are just doing things out of obligation and not because you are able to empathize with her.

Everyone wants to feel loved, wanted, needed and appreciated. I guess all these feelings which she used to feel is sort of replaced by the feelings of an unhappy partner stuck with her because he is forced to.

Perhaps you wanna try changing that and see if your relationship with her improves. Remember it won't happen overnight. Else you can find a right time, using the right tone (not the reprimanding one) and right words to let her know how you feel. Tell her that you care about this marriage and thus wanna see a marriage counsellor together to see how you can make it better.

 

[wanderful]

Since she don't like to step out of the house, ask her to come forum and chit chat with other mummies! Then she won't feel 'isolated'

actually she feel better when she go out with the baby...better dun ask her to come to forum else she will be able to read my post.
very risky

 

[wanderful]

Your in laws still around? Maybe can bring your wife and kids to visit your in laws, at least she can get out of the existing environment and do something different. If she think that you not taking care of the bb well, then u may want to let her know that u want to learn from her how to be better.

When my girl young, I also dun feel comfortable leaving my husband alone w my girl, there was once, tho my husband watching her (just see away for a minute or so), my girl fell off the bed and stuck up side down in between the bed and the wall. I heard the loud noise, run inside the room, my husband still sit on the bed, staring, dunnoe how to react, goodness.....

Is really not easy to handle the bb, esp whole day, last time my husband oso said he can handle, but when my girl cried (only one month old), my husband go shake her and scream at her to shut up. My husband is well known for his patience, and yet he could do such things. kekekekek

Give her a little bit of time, maybe u can buy little gifts for her to cheer her up, or buy some games that u and her can be engaged at the same time while looking after the bb. U need to build up her trust in u to handle the bb.

If you really love her, give her and yourself more time to adapt to the new life.

due to our frequent argument i really have no confidence to have another children

 

[wanderful]

my hubby and I has communicated that no matter what, each of us will be the priority, not our kids in the future. that is because we see a lot of our friends and families that focus too much on their children and as time goes by, all the communication evolves around the children, and there seems there is no two of them anymore. every single thing is children this, children that. but we have come to agree that both of us are the ones that grow old together, our kids will be sticky to me, as mummy. but how long will the kid stick with me? probably only the first few years of their lives and later they got their own live, their got their own friends, and do they still wanna sleep in the same room as us? not for sure. i just got pregnant and of coz as this is our first pregnancy, i am very careful about my health and the baby...but i will always remind myself that my hubby will be the one that listens to me and be with me all the time. i dont know what will happen when my baby is born, i might turn out to be a mummy freak - but i have my hubby to remind me about his presence

congratulation for being a mummy soon... stay cool coz pregnant woman tends to get agitated easily.
before my baby was born, my relationship with spouse still not so tense...everything start to change after baby born probably because she is all by herself taking care the baby(when i'm at work)...coz her mum dun drop by due to some illness.
hopefully, things will change when we send the baby to child care....

 

[wanderful]

sometimes i really dun understand why my wife can blow up her top over a minor things..not sure whether can i hang on. The decision to end a marriage is a very difficult and painful one to make especially with children around....wonder how often do couple has argument.