Unstable relationship with wife
- Thread starter wanderful
- Start date
it's fate that brings man and woman together. it's up to you to cherish. just remember what you loved her for when both of you were dating. what was the feeling when you proposed to her and she accepted.
please do not consider divorce! what female need is understanding. take some time and have a good talk. show your love and care through hugs and words of encouragement. give her surprises. there's many things you can do.
hope it will get better when your children grows up~
please do not consider divorce! what female need is understanding. take some time and have a good talk. show your love and care through hugs and words of encouragement. give her surprises. there's many things you can do.
hope it will get better when your children grows up~
I remember in the first 2 or 3 years of marriage, we argued a lot because we have different ideas and we come from different backgrounds. When we moved to Hong Kong, the first two years, we argued a lot because we were learning and getting used to a new place. I think when there's a shift or something new in your lives, there's bound to be arguments as both parties are adjusting to changes. It takes time. I think people these days take the easy way out by getting divorce. Is that what you both really want?
sometimes argue is bo pian one, someone has to compromise, someone has to give and take, like my husband, he noe that I have been taking care of the house, thinking and making most of the decision, and he oso noe I bad temper, since we day one pak tou already like tat, so he noe what he is in to. though he do grumble, but he noes that if he cannot tahan these little things, he will loose big.
Hi noelsmum,
been married for more than 3 years...think you are right that many couple take the easy way out nowadays...looking at divorce rate is quite alarming. Trying to turn a deaf ear when she try to pick on me but always fail to control my temper. well maybe it my fate
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Hi Edwinie,
everytime quarrel where come the mood to do all those stuff. ...it it getting frequent nowadays like drinkin coffee
go back home also sian.....hopefully the situation will get less tense when the child is send to childcare...thanks
Maybe you both should talk things out or go for counselling. I admit that sometimes hubby and me have arguments and sometimes it's can get ugly but at the end of the day, both of us realise that we do want to stay married and both try to compromise and give in. I disagree with Ms Koh's statement that if her husband cannot tahan, he will loose big. I don't believe that one party is more superior over the other and one will lose more than the other. I believe that a marriage is a partnership. Sure, sometimes we can take each other for granted and the marriage can die. Some people stay married for the sake of being married but the husband and wife do not talk to each other. Husband might end up having affairs outside and wife become bitter and angry. That's my take on a marriage. It takes time and effort to stay married and connected to each other.
i don't know what is the situation like, so i can't comment much.
you mention that your wife will 'nag' and then you will lose your temper. i understand this with my dad. both of us are very headstrong. sometimes, i talk to him about things to improve or do better, we can quarrel already. is it a character clash problem? if yes, you are in a better position to control. first time will be hard. just let yourself be her 'punching bag'. if both quarrel, it's like adding firewoods to the explosion. tolerate her a bit more! give yourself a target of 1 week. then you see whether your change in approach make the situation better. sometimes, have to grit your teeth through her outburst, but i think it is worth it. From you coming to the forum means that you have the determination to salvage the situation. so i believe you can do it.
trial and error. try all the different methods. do all that you can. don't let the word 'divorce' come into your mind at all.
maybe you can take leave one day, ask your wife to rest. prepare a few recipes the day before, go supermarket get the ingredients. make nice breakfast, lunch and dinner. do some simple housework. take care of your child. i think that can be a very sweet thing to do. don't have to do the tedious ones. just show some action... just a suggestion. =)
you mention that your wife will 'nag' and then you will lose your temper. i understand this with my dad. both of us are very headstrong. sometimes, i talk to him about things to improve or do better, we can quarrel already. is it a character clash problem? if yes, you are in a better position to control. first time will be hard. just let yourself be her 'punching bag'. if both quarrel, it's like adding firewoods to the explosion. tolerate her a bit more! give yourself a target of 1 week. then you see whether your change in approach make the situation better. sometimes, have to grit your teeth through her outburst, but i think it is worth it. From you coming to the forum means that you have the determination to salvage the situation. so i believe you can do it.
trial and error. try all the different methods. do all that you can. don't let the word 'divorce' come into your mind at all.
maybe you can take leave one day, ask your wife to rest. prepare a few recipes the day before, go supermarket get the ingredients. make nice breakfast, lunch and dinner. do some simple housework. take care of your child. i think that can be a very sweet thing to do. don't have to do the tedious ones. just show some action... just a suggestion. =)
TS,
Being strong in character doesn't mean that she can't fall into depression, sometimes we can get very overwhelmed by things around us especially when we are new parents.
Hubby and I argued a lot of times during this past year, especially when we just moved back to my in-laws place after my confinement. Until that he even felt that I should just bring baby back to my parents' place to stay instead.
I am a SAHM, and yes although mealtimes can be quite difficult sometimes with a baby, but its a matter of finding a schedule with the baby, maybe both of you can eat dinner together with your child, show your wife that it's possible to eat with him/her as well. Maybe try to bring wife and baby out and while she's in a good mood, try to talk to her, don't lose your temper.
Spending the whole day with baby and sometimes you might just want a proper conversation with another adult and/or some personal time to yourself to do your own things, maybe that's why she became so demanding? It's not easy, but both need to work things out together.
Being strong in character doesn't mean that she can't fall into depression, sometimes we can get very overwhelmed by things around us especially when we are new parents.
Hubby and I argued a lot of times during this past year, especially when we just moved back to my in-laws place after my confinement. Until that he even felt that I should just bring baby back to my parents' place to stay instead.
I am a SAHM, and yes although mealtimes can be quite difficult sometimes with a baby, but its a matter of finding a schedule with the baby, maybe both of you can eat dinner together with your child, show your wife that it's possible to eat with him/her as well. Maybe try to bring wife and baby out and while she's in a good mood, try to talk to her, don't lose your temper.
Spending the whole day with baby and sometimes you might just want a proper conversation with another adult and/or some personal time to yourself to do your own things, maybe that's why she became so demanding? It's not easy, but both need to work things out together.
Action carries more weight than words. If u claim u feel that way, it will in turn influence ur action while at home. Be it ur facial expression or tone of ur voice. Women are sensitive creature and all these negative signal can be easily picked up by ur wife. In return, she will start to complain this n that and whatever not just to get rid of the frustration she had.
Perhaps u both can consider engaging part time cleaner, many local aunties providing these services be it once a week or bi- mOnthly.
Try rotating the job that ur wife does, instead of 24x7 revolving around ur kid, n u on household. Perhaps she can have a break away from kiddo while u take care.
Wow ts u're seriously a good husband.. My husband is a gaming freak.. His eyes are glued to the screen. When I tell him to look after the baby when I'm not free, ya he really look after.. He use his eyes and look at the baby for few secs and back to his game again leaving the baby on the bed crying.. I told him to help carry the baby. Ya he really carry, he carry to his mum zzz.. Don't worry ts.. You're already very good.. Thumbs up for you.. Jia you~
diymummy
Moderator
I think you should try talking to your wife and sounding her out. When she loses her temper maybe you can get her to calm down. Then ask her why she is angry. Try to reason it out with her and it might change the situation. Sometimes when we are angry, a lot of emotions go flying around and we lose control of ourselves and the situation. Since there is a possibility that she might be suffering from post-natal depression coupled with the stress with the baby, she might find it useful to talk thru her emotions with someone.
You might also want to set up "rules". For example, my hubby and I, we have a "rule" that we won't go to bed angry with one another. So we will always talk it thru. Initially such talk sessions can go into blaming sessions but that's how we learn to communicate with one another better. The less angry person must always try to take control of the situation.
I agree with noelsmum that there's no such thing as losing more or less. It's a partnership and you learn to work with and around each other's strengths and weaknesses. You learn to love each other more and in that itself you learn to be considerate to people around you as well. Now you may feel that you're "losing" by giving in... We all have times of need. Now she has, maybe next time you might have.
Your sian-ness is valid. We are not invalidating your feelings but more encouraging you to hang on and try to find a way to work things out. Yes it would need work and it can get painful. But it's all for a better end.
You might also want to set up "rules". For example, my hubby and I, we have a "rule" that we won't go to bed angry with one another. So we will always talk it thru. Initially such talk sessions can go into blaming sessions but that's how we learn to communicate with one another better. The less angry person must always try to take control of the situation.
I agree with noelsmum that there's no such thing as losing more or less. It's a partnership and you learn to work with and around each other's strengths and weaknesses. You learn to love each other more and in that itself you learn to be considerate to people around you as well. Now you may feel that you're "losing" by giving in... We all have times of need. Now she has, maybe next time you might have.
Your sian-ness is valid. We are not invalidating your feelings but more encouraging you to hang on and try to find a way to work things out. Yes it would need work and it can get painful. But it's all for a better end.
Hey wanderful,
Sorry to hear about your predicament.. but most of the time it takes 2 hands to clap. Maybe you're missing out on some of her "messages" that she is trying to relay during her quarrels with you while you are broading about how "unthinkable" your life is with her.
Try to think about what she says and maybe you'll be enlightened and understand your wife better.
Good Luck!!
Hi there,
Here are some FREE Resources that may help you better understand what your wife is going through. Cheers!
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Here are some FREE Resources that may help you better understand what your wife is going through. Cheers!
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I am a SAHM with a preschooler and 7mo bb, my hubby is always busied with work, technically, we only meet on Sunday when he is off. Lot of pressure, stress and matter cook up in me, everyday I only keep thinking why why why I am the only one who face all the shitty home staffs. Then the actions started, lot of nagging,lot of complaint, showing rusty face etc. I think my hubby feels shitty too. Till one day, I cried and talk to him about how much I hate myself behaving like " drama housewife', only then he start to realized I got hard time trying to catch up with him. He slow down, share time with me and I really appreciate I am holding on his hands once again. Maybe you can try to hand your wifey hands again, reasonalise yourself ( since I cam sense your unhappiness here, I believe your wife can feel it even stronger). dun give up upon your wife, help your marriage by helping your wife. Btw, I am married for 11 years now, and this kind of situation does happen again. So holding hand with your heart is important.thank you mummies for the advice & encouragement. Been busy away from the forum because of the election & family matter
will take each step one at a time...never know what will happened next with e weekend coming.
will keep everyone update.
extremepower
Member
Go for counselling man. Can be suffering. Perhaps, every weekend go out to zoo, etc..
Staying at home too much is not a good thing.
If she can get a better pay, ask her to work and get a maid. Let the in-law supervise.:001_302:
Staying at home too much is not a good thing.
If she can get a better pay, ask her to work and get a maid. Let the in-law supervise.:001_302:
kujiramama
Member
I hope it is a passing phase for you, cos from the way you described your situation, my hubby is like you and I'm almost like your wife! (except for the cleanliness freak part)
I'm also a SAHM and 1st time parents. Ya, sometimes the baby gets to me and I will channel that bad energy to my hubby, often ending in quarrels. But talking has really helped. So try to talk to your wife. Maybe when your wife is angry over nothing, just give her a surprise attack by planting a kiss on her cheeks! Might work better than to start a fight with her?
And, just accept that mothers tend to be a bit protective(in whatever ways possible) when it comes to kids. They always think they have the best methods, best solutions etc when it comes to kids. You know, I have to admit, even when my hubby gave me some suggestions which I will immediately write him off, only to find myself using his method and claiming it as mine! SO relax... Think of your lovely baby... Ya.
I'm also a SAHM and 1st time parents. Ya, sometimes the baby gets to me and I will channel that bad energy to my hubby, often ending in quarrels. But talking has really helped. So try to talk to your wife. Maybe when your wife is angry over nothing, just give her a surprise attack by planting a kiss on her cheeks! Might work better than to start a fight with her?
And, just accept that mothers tend to be a bit protective(in whatever ways possible) when it comes to kids. They always think they have the best methods, best solutions etc when it comes to kids. You know, I have to admit, even when my hubby gave me some suggestions which I will immediately write him off, only to find myself using his method and claiming it as mine! SO relax... Think of your lovely baby... Ya.
You've got to try to hang on... Yr wifey's too tired I guess... Any parents or in-laws who can help take care of baby for an hour? Then both of u take a break, have a walk or meal outside before going home taking care of baby? Heh heh when I just gave birth, I was always looking forward my parents to help take over to look after baby, so I can zzz in the day... So I guess it's similar case... Just that both of u are overloaded... Yr wife overloaded with baby n u with work... Have a nice chat with her... Let her know that u love her n baby... As for housework, how abt getting part timers to clean up the house once a week? I think it'll help yr family house hold chores...
extremepower
Member
yup. part time maid does help.
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