very troubled

[`julee]

i believe marriage has to have trust & love. and it comes with a responsibility esp with a family...

sadly... my hb hav been working on and off since we married.. i fell into depression after giving birth.. the lost of my friends, the wake of reality and hard life.. and he always going out leaving me and baby alone at night. i cried every night hugging my bb close to me...
after that i got so use to it, i didnt care much.. i knew i had to trust him.
the longest time he stayed in a job is 3months.. tats it... and most of the time, its either my parents or his mom sponsor us.. its getting really tiring to WAKE HIM UP. its been 2 years.. and he is jobless.... he doesnt let me work & many time i go against him & still find a job.. i cheated on him once because i was so UP to hurting him soooo much.. i din realise it will hurt me more.. i know it was my mistake and i was up to making it up to him....
i know i had to make this marriage work..
the last job i did, he ask me for money....!!! to pay his monthly installment of his bike!! i was earning peanuts, jus enuff for my transportation to work & my dd's monthly needs.. even wen i was working, i had to send my dd to my granny & pick her up after work, and hardly even if he is not working he looks after her.. he only does wen i FORCE him too...
i ask for a divorce but he didnt want it & cried and told me he will change.. he got a good job. i tot he changed.. but he took MC every other day.. feels like his salary going to doctor for his MC...
and now he is jobless again...
i tried to find another job, he took care of dd while i go for an interview.. we got into a quarrel cause he thinks i am lying to him. he tried to commit suicide with dd.. i arrive jus in time to get a punch from him to ask me to go away from dd since i was a sluty mother... and he threaten to commit suicide and even carry dd up the stairs.. i called the police..
i din charge him cause i was had my mistakes to.. even the policemen say that i wont get my dd if i divorce him cause i cheated on him.. (?? back then it made sense somehow...)

my parents got so pissed off at him & told him if he cant take care of me & dd they can. after all this time, they hav been. they always bring us food, bring us out & buy us clothes.. hb onli does this to make me happy & most of the time its his mother's money... his mother dote on him so much that wenever he ask for money she gives, usuali because she pity that her grand-daughter hav no milk.. but because of that, my hb becomes very dependant on her and that he noes even if he doesnt work, his wife & daughter still have food.
i never told anyone this but my mother seem to find out on her own...
he doesnt let me work yet he doesnt work. & if i go against him, he asks me for money...
he takes money from his mother.
he is hardly home even wen he doesnt work...
he always leave us alone at home.
wen mil & i nag, he will ask us to shut up.
wen my mom nag he cries & says he will change & get a job.. but he never do.. this is like sooo many times already.. he is never at the same job for longer than 2 weeks... and then he jus sits at home or with his friends.. in front of other people he will boast about "his" job.. i had enough of covering his backside..
& wenever we fight about his job he will accuse me for not being loving to him. being guilty of cheating him, i will close one eye about his job and tell him to change....... and after that he will force me to hav sex with him.. wen i say no, he says i don love him.. and wen i say that love is not sex and that even my mom dont want u in the house, i still thick face and bring him in....
my feelings for him faded so much that i don like him to touch me..
i feel so troubled.. my mom says i am so stupid to marry a useless bum... his mom surrenders and says i should go to work since he is lazy to work...

i don love him much anymore.. he promise me so much and didnt deliver any... he was all sweet words... wat kind of father doesnt work? wat kind of hubby doesnt give me lunch money?? he only give us money wen my mom starts to nag... then it will b back to square one.. i have kept quiet long enuff.. i cant stand him. i dono if he could change anymore. he cried and beg me to give him another chance and i did.. but he didnt....
i am scared of divorcing him; afraid i will not get my child custody.. afraid tat he do and try to kill himself & dd again... i am so afraid.. i dono wat to do.................

 

[Leanne]

Wa......... Have you highlight to him the importance of securing a job & saving up? If so, seems like he's still a bit lost.

 

[LoVeS]

since he dun wrk he cant support himself or ur dd i dun see why custody goes to him leh. seriously he is plain lazy n he wont change, since u dun love him already n he cant change for the sake of u n ur dd, if given to me i will rather divorce wif him.

 

[ditsypixie]

really sorry to read this troubled thread of urs..
have u tried sitting down and toking to him about how u reali feel?
i noe when things cum to this stage,its reali difficult to tell urself tat he can still change for the better,but at least u noe u tried.
u must also gv it a tot tat fate has brought u both together n "created" ur dd.
im not a love guru n cannot give u much advice on this,but i want u to noe u are not alone...
life will not always be the way u want,but with encouragment,i hope u can pull thru this tough obstacle..
stay strong for ur dd.:tsmile:

 

[Leanne]

u must also gv it a tot tat fate has brought u both together n "created" ur dd.

Well said.

 

[Leanne]

Julee, you know what makes me go on? What keeps me going on?

Times & times again, i feel my husband doesn't love me at all. It becus of that incident which brought him with me, unwillingly.

I feel really depressed. I nearly sink into depression. (By cutting my wrist etc), but the thought of my DS, keeps me going.

Julee, any pro MSN me k?

 

[`julee]

i kept telling myself i hav to stay in this relationship because of dd.. because i wanted to at the beginning. backing out feels so naive & childish.. but he keep repeating it...

and i guess, even w/o him working all this while, i can stand on my own two feet w/o him...

 

[aby]

dear julee..:wong19: My msn is on whenever I'm online, and u r welcome to nudge me anytime ya.. :wong19:

Dear, i know how u r feeling as I've been through depression 3 times ah.. :embarrassed:

It's good to talk it out with friend, best to go out and have a good discussion with him.. He needs to know what is expect of him in this marriage.. He's the head of this family, a father and a hb!! Is counselling possible for both of u?

Pls do not be afraid and stay on being a good mom to your ger!! She needs u very much!! Stay strong.. The law is fair to all who deserve it!! ancing_tongue:

Msn me ya?!

 

[`julee]

aby, it seems like i am the only one who wans a perfect family. i told him lets seek help.. since we no high education, mayb we need help.. he refuse help. i drag him to CDC to see brochure, still don wan help... i dono laa.. its very frustrating now, reli........

 

[Leanne]

aby, what's ur email add? i wanna chat w you too!

 

[LoVeS]

He himself dun wan to do anything abt the probs u 2 facing be it financially or communication or his prob he seem like cant b bother abt it. I juz feel he is NOT sincere in doing anything. I juz feel tat u haf to really tink properly if u still wan to go on like tis? There is tis sentence in chinese translate to english is short term pain is better than long term pain. As ur DD grow up financially will grow aso, do u tink tis family can go on like tis? Of coz i dun encourage divorce but if it is really not working so why force things go on?

Juz my 2cents worth~

 

[aby]

Poor u.. Sad to say usually the men deny that the fault lies with them.. Too proud, too lazy, too can't be bother!! In fact i salute those men who agrees to undergo counselling and seek help when they need it!! These are the courageous ones!!

Seeking help makes them feel small, useless and a coward.. But after the help when all are settled then they feel the goodness of it!!

I know it's not easy getting ur hb doing so.. I have a few friends who faces similar prob as u!! Poor women ah!! :embarrassed:

Do u have friends whom ur hb respect and listen to? Probably they can help by advising him? USually men listen more to their buddies, hopefully good ones.. Thank GOD my hb listen to his brother!! He has been a great help to us, in marriage and child discipline etc!!

 

[`julee]

He himself dun wan to do anything abt the probs u 2 facing be it financially or communication or his prob he seem like cant b bother abt it. I juz feel he is NOT sincere in doing anything. I juz feel tat u haf to really tink properly if u still wan to go on like tis? There is tis sentence in chinese translate to english is short term pain is better than long term pain. As ur DD grow up financially will grow aso, do u tink tis family can go on like tis? Of coz i dun encourage divorce but if it is really not working so why force things go on?

Juz my 2cents worth~

my tots exactly... how long more should i give him time..... he keep saying he will change & i keep believing... sigh

 

[aby]

aby, what's ur email add? i wanna chat w you too!

abyane18@hotmail.com.. Always welcome!! :wong19:

 

[LoVeS]

my tots exactly... how long more should i give him time..... he keep saying he will change & i keep believing... sigh

if he is showing improvement bit by bit it ok BUT if no improvement at all i dun see why keep wasting time n ur trust. It like as if abuse ur trust in him for changing for better. Julee all i can say is do u wan LONG term PAIN or SHORT term PAIN? If he himself dun wan to do anything n juz but using MOUTH say will change no1 can help him n things will juz b the same. U muz tink of ur DD n ur future lor. Yes is a fate to b together but, do u tink in future ur DD will b proud of such daddy for been so lazy only wan mummy go work n earn $$?

 

[Leanne]

Agree with loVes.

Julee, you yourself said you can stand with 2 foots on your own with DD, then shouldn't be a pro.

Highlight the consequences of him not working. & see.

 

[Leanne]

abyane18@hotmail.com.. Always welcome!! :wong19:

Thanks aby! Had added! :wong19:

 

[LoVeS]

Agree with loVes.

Julee, you yourself said you can stand with 2 foots on your own with DD, then shouldn't be a pro.

Highlight the consequences of him not working. & see.

i tink julee highlighted b4 but he juz plain lazy~ If a man cant even work hard for his own family n child i duno how to change him. Abt the custody i dun tink u will lose aso lor, why not ask consult a legal advice frm laywer? As u see he cant even support himself, while u can so DD might not go to him lor. In fact he will need to gif u allowance after divorce..

ALWAYS tink of ur DD own future. If a family is suffering it doesnt do children any gd aso.

 

[jedamum]

while it is worthwhile to give him a chance, i think the part on him trying to commit suicide with your dd is horrifying. do tread on this carefully as i think the safety of your dd is more impt than anything else.

 

[aby]

my tots exactly... how long more should i give him time..... he keep saying he will change & i keep believing... sigh

Ya how may times must we forgive and how long must we give!! Sigh!! :embarrassed:

Sayang, poor u.. I think he's also frustrated too..

Believe it or not? My hb sleeps at home while I work 2 jobs to support our daily expenses ah!! That time we just ROM.. We married with -ve savings..

When i preggie 10 weeks, I went interview and as they dinask whether I preggie I din say.. The HR manager was so upset when i appear in maternity clothes the next week!! And my secretary told him off, why preggie cannot work meh? Don't look down on women hor..!!!"

My hb tried to look for jobs but with 2 Os is really difficult.. Then he works as security guard, met friend and felt rather paisay too.. I must kept encouraging him "it's ur job, no need paisay one.."

Then he lost his job again.. After Ace was borned, I worked as a cleaner in my Primary School as my mom is there selling food and I brought Ace along to be with us the whole day.. When i arranged for interview every morning for hb, can see his relunctant face etc.. He will go then come back without good news.. We often quarrel there! Tell u the truth, he later confessed that he merely went out, nv go interview ah!! And the reason behind all these procrastination is LOW SELF ESTEEM but high EGO before the wife ah!!!

Well, as wife we suffer seeing our hb "good for nothing!".. Sigh! :embarrassed: As we pray and wait for miracles to happen, naggings and arguements don't actually help! And yes it takes 2 habds to clap! So how?

Sayang:wong19:, don't panic, don't despair 1st! Now u are the clearer minded one in this marriage so stay clear minded k? He's confused and scared to admit he's in trouble and at fault and needs help! And Sayang, pls stop listen to those -ve remarks like u cheated thus u won't get the custody etc etc.. Think again, what's the best for ur child? Fatherless (thus divorce) or a happy family (give ur hb ONE more chance)!!

Find ways to get him relax and talk.. Men don't like to be threaten or cornered.. Men loves attention and respect.. U may feel ur hb doesn't deserve it right now as he's really @#$%^&*.. For the sake of ur ger and ur future, would u want to give him another chance.. 1 more? :nah:

It really take lots of paitence and courage to handle such men.. Really!! Can vomit lots of blood on the way and dehydrate by crying alot on the way.. But if by giving this final chance, it really works out, I believe it's worth all the pain n effort!! And pls be prepared, it's not a one time effort, a good marriage is a life time commitment, just like parenting.. :001_302:

So think, are u going to give him one more chance OR are u giving him up to start life differently for urself and ger??