very troubled

aby

aby

Member
And yes, committing suiside is a really foolish thing to do.. He's trying to run away from problems or??? Aiyo.. He really has the courage to die meh?

Talk to him nicely.. Tell him this.. "WE (highlight WE, BOTH of US) have problems and we can't solve them.. Why not WE face them TOGETHER? Shall WE go to counselling TOGETHER and solve them.. WE may have solutions thus having a better life esp for OUR ger?"

Or do u think it's good for my hb to share his experiences with ur hb? A man to man talk? My hb understand why some men are like this.. He shared it's really a struggle against EGO.. And it's really easier to choose the easy way - lazy.. The more he choose to laze back, the more difficult it is to get out of the SHIT!!! :001_302:

Let me know if u need a man to man session between ur hb and mine.. I shall loan him to you for an evening.. How abt it?
 
Angelmum

Angelmum

Moderator
LoVeS said:
i tink julee highlighted b4 but he juz plain lazy~ If a man cant even work hard for his own family n child i duno how to change him. Abt the custody i dun tink u will lose aso lor, why not ask consult a legal advice frm laywer? As u see he cant even support himself, while u can so DD might not go to him lor. In fact he will need to gif u allowance after divorce..
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I agree that u might not be at a losing.
1) u can work n support yrself n child
2) u hv a steady job. he doesnt. Ensure yr CPF has monthly employer's contribution.

jedamum said:
while it is worthwhile to give him a chance, i think the part on him trying to commit suicide with your dd is horrifying. do tread on this carefully as i think the safety of your dd is more impt than anything else.
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3) he has suicide issue, dangerous for him to keep child.

U may hv cheated but that doesnt give him the right to be lazy n rely on ppl. A married man shld be responsible for his own family, not his aged mother or wife. A man who cant even earn a decent living + threatened to end an innocent kid's life is no way better den you! Dont be frighten. If u want a divorce, make sure u r standing on firm grounds.

Did u kept the police record of his suicide threats? Must keep it if u want to win custody. If dont hv, see whether u can hv one for rainy days. A man who wants to die with yr kid is really dangerous. After repeat chances so doesnt repent .......... got to think of a 'bright plan'.


Keep us updated. Can always log in to vent.
 
LoVeS

LoVeS

Well-Known Member
city.pumpkin said:
I agree that u might not be at a losing.
1) u can work n support yrself n child
2) u hv a steady job. he doesnt. Ensure yr CPF has monthly employer's contribution.



3) he has suicide issue, dangerous for him to keep child.

U may hv cheated but that doesnt give him the right to be lazy n rely on ppl. A married man shld be responsible for his own family, not his aged mother or wife. A man who cant even earn a decent living + threatened to end an innocent kid's life is no way better den you! Dont be frighten. If u want a divorce, make sure u r standing on firm grounds.

Did u kept the police record of his suicide threats? Must keep it if u want to win custody. If dont hv, see whether u can hv one for rainy days. A man who wants to die with yr kid is really dangerous. After repeat chances so doesnt repent .......... got to think of a 'bright plan'.


Keep us updated. Can always log in to vent.
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Yeah i agree on tis part, u may cheat on him b4 but doesnt mean he got the rite to keep lying to u abt changing n go look for job. Although modern days dun really need man b the one earning $$ only BUT the least he should b able to support himself lor. Sumore he is threatening DD's life which a FATHER shouldnt b doing lor.
 
Endoh

Endoh

Alpha Male
Hi Julee,

My heart goes out to you, having to deal with the survivability of your marriage and also balancing motherhood along with it.

1. The upbringing of a person often reflects in adulthood. Bad habits and undesirable behaviours often root from years of inactivity to overcome them. Being his wife, I assume you have had a considerable amount of understanding towards his upbringing over the years. Behavioural problems, particularly one's drive towards life and responsibilities are easily spotted through daily errands. For example; the "bo-chap" attitude, lazy mentality and such. If you haven't, perhaps it would be a good time to sit down and examine what contributed to the laid-back behaviour.

2. Based on what you wrote, your husband seems to be totally lost over the rightful responsibilities of being the man of the family. Perhaps some questions you can start asking are; Does he possess the sense of urgency towards the current situation? Is he proactive in resolving the issues? Have his roles and duties as a husband & father been instilled in him throughout these times?

It may appear silly that someone has to instill these thoughts and responsibilities to him, but in reality - yes, some people cannot visualize and automatically digest these.

3. The kind of friends around us, somewhat has an influence in the way we view life issues and handle situations. As much as we believe that if one is firm enough, friends can effect little on us. However, in reality again that is something that we see time and again. Do you know his friends & colleagues, if any? Do you know which categories of his friends belong too? (Married? Not married? Children?) Do you know their activities when they hang out? Should his friends have partners or wives, have you gotten to know them so far?

Understanding his friends and their social make-up will provide you a slight hint on social influences on him. The demographics of his friends will also enable you to spot which of his friends and their partners you can turn to for help, for example; seek their help to relate the problem to him and offer appropriate advice on his responsibilities.

4. When you said both your parents and his mum are sponsoring your family, that itself is a tell-tale sign that he is probably still in his comfort zone. Since that's the case, the most immediate thing to accomplish is making him snap out of it. Seek out the factors that allows him to sit in this comfort zone, and find ways to isolate these immediate solutions to him. These immediate aids provided to him can give him the wrong ideal that help is always there when he needs it. However, is that the case? Shouldn't he be helping himself? Shouldn't he be helping his own family he set up?

5. I'm hope this is not too hurtful, I'm trying to be as tactful as I can be but obviously your affair still has a lingering effect in him. Could this also contribute to his "bo-chap" attitude? I think your honesty is a big lesson to the rest of the married members on the severity and long term effects of extra-marital affairs.

Seek to address this resentment in him, which is obviously very much burning in his heart. Nobody can say for sure how you should do this, but perhaps that is one of the issues which is instilled in him, leading him to the extend of not providing for his family. Absurb, some will say. Why bother to assure him when he is not providing for the family in the first place? My point is, through assurance - make him see the importance of providing for his family and not relying on others. A certain form of reflection, repent & realization is necessary, even the sense of guilt may trigger him off to rethink. Nobody says this is easy... and rest assured it will never be easy.

6. Your parents and his mum have also sounded out, so this is a good cue for you to take. Seek their help and cooperation when deciding certain issues.

7. Keep divorce out of the picture, for now. Divorce is a very threatening word to mention. You have had a taste of it when he threatens with suicide. What you are feeling, he is feeling it too but on a different magnitude. In fact, relationships with constant reminder of break-ups and divorces often end up that way compared to relationships that keep this idea at the back of their head.

No, I am not saying you cannot divorce. Divorce to me, should always be kept as the last option. Especially when there is a child involved, divorce will have a direct effect on the child. The child should NEVER become a pawn between the two of you.

Have you tried counselling service? Have you tried other mediums which may be of help? If you have not, you might want to consider because airing dirty laundries to strangers like counsellors and social workers is not acceptable to many. Hence, a lot of couples ended up with divorces without fully making use of all avenues of helplines available. I didn't suggest divorce with my ex-wife until after 3 months of intensive counselling, which allowed me to balance different factors in making that decision.

This is just my unofficial sharing based on friend's experiences and my own. It's not an absolute solution but some issues I feel you should start thinking about. Getting upset doesn't solves the problem, as the saying goes - get to the root of the problems. Get rid of the roots, the problem disappears without even you doing anything.

If this unofficial sharing is not appropriate and insufficient, I can introduce a friend to you too. Kloudiia is a professional certified love coach, in which I enjoy reading through her case studies alot. Pay her a visit and write to her, you might be able to get some professional viewpoints from her. Afterall, it's easy for a woman to relate to another woman due to that women instincts.

Guys like me, prefer to be more direct - sometimes appearing to be tactless. My final advice is, don't change him BUT lead him to change himself. A couple together is not rescuing each other, but growing together with each other.
 
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ethans mummy

ethans mummy

Member
hey sayang! so sad to heard fm u...

but pls give him 1 last chance again if u can lo...have a heart-to-heart talk wz him & tell him abt ur feelings & thinkings...

~ take care & dun be upset ~

our mummies will oways stand by you & dd!
 
Leanne

Leanne

Active Member
Ed, wonder how long you spent in typing this.

Julee, see how Ed advise you :)

I got to agree with these 2 sentences :

No, I am not saying you cannot divorce. Divorce to me, should always be kept as the last option. Especially when there is a child involved, divorce will have a direct effect on the child. The child should NEVER become a pawn between the two of you.

y final advice is, don't change him BUT lead him to change himself. A couple together is not rescuing each other, but growing together with each other.

P.S : Ed, you're sucha well-learnt man, it's your ex-wife's loss in divorcing you.
 
Endoh

Endoh

Alpha Male
Please don't say that. I am just like anyone of you. The only thing I am thankful about is having elders and mentors around me since I was very young. These are the people whom has shared their life stories and principles of life with me, otherwise I cannot grow as an individual.

The same way others are generous in sharing with me, I will share whatever I can. The writeup took slightly over an hour in Words before I pasted it here. If it helps to salvage a marriage and another person to improve himself, an hour of writing is nothing. The eventual result - if it works - is priceless.

I have my flaws too, you don't see it that's all. Nobody is perfect.
 
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Carol

Carol

Member
I believe sometimes you have to go to the extreme for a man to really see the light . For a marriage to work out , it's no use having you giving and he taking all the time . Dun think of divorce . Sit down , think hard . Do you really wan to grow old with this guy . Dun think of his flaws . Think of his strong points . If you do , then think how to lead him to change like wad Endoh advised . You have to really wake him up .

But if you are bent on a divorce , you may not lose custody . He does not have any proof of you cheating on him . If you got a job , it'll help you in winning the custody . The judge normally considers which party can provide for the child better and sometimes they do let the child decide for herself . And he has a tendency of commiting suicide . Since you called the police , there's a report filed . He's on the losing side .

Hope Im of help :001_302:
 
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ditsypixie

ditsypixie

New Member
yups!i totally agree with wat endoh has mentioned..
divorce can never be brought into the picture until it cums a point where u reali cant take it(even after seeking help).the big D word can create a devastating effect on the 3 of u,where at this point both side of parents play a fairly impt supporting role in encouraging harmony.
but i do not deny tat ive got some frens who divorced n living happily w/o their dh,but of coz it can b heart wrenching at first.
so pls,try to "kick" tat tot out for the time being n c how he'l change for the better...

thks endoh for ur encouraging words of wisdom...!:Dancing_wub:
 
rjj

rjj

Member
I am so impressed from a late 20 'uncle', who can write so well..... Well 'typed'!

Julee, it's almost impossible to change a person, it's always changing ourselves to lead the other person change themselves..... It's tough, but it can be done. But I am seriously concern for your child. For all the things that you are going to do or plan to do, please consider her safety. Just tat thought... oh mine!

You take good care, ya! Have just prayed for you & your family.
 
Angelmum

Angelmum

Moderator
Endoh said:
Guys like me, prefer to be more direct - sometimes appearing to be tactless. My final advice is, don't change him BUT lead him to change himself. A couple together is not rescuing each other, but growing together with each other.
Click to expand...

huh u guy ah, how come 'worthy lady'? :tlaugh:

got change ask Eddie change yr 'sex' wohaha
 
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xiaodaisy

xiaodaisy

Active Member
sometimes things don go as wat we wanted .. but go as how ur heart feel, if u tink u want tis family to go on n still loves him den try ur best to save tis love.. but if really no more feelings den give it up den cos with no more feelings n have to stay together for e sake of dd den its really not worth to make urself suffer loh.. btw if u going for interview i guess u better let ur mother look after dd den ur hubby cos i tink he a little unstable ya, scare if he really wanna die wif dd how? aniwae if really divorce he won get dd de cos u once report police abt he n dd wanna die rite? den got case dere n he won get dd de as for e cheating thing unless he got prove or else he won be able to get dd wan.. so don think so much, anything u can also nudge mi in msn i'm online everyday, do take care of urself meanwhile.. cool down n tink all over again to see wat u really want.. sometimes u feel u don love him anymore, but maybe if really without him u will tink actually u still love him? or maybe u can go back to ur mother hse wif dd first n some peace first .. take gd care !!
 
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