Weak hubby - Tomb Sweeping

[jojoki]

my mil and i are also not on talking terms. when i was pregnant she totally never did anything nor asked how am i. When i gave birth she did not want to visit in hospital bcos said the place is "dirty". Then whn i returned home.. she came to see my bb. And thn bragged about how she boiled abalone n cordyceps soup for the dil (my hubby's ex-wife) when she was pregnant and thats why her grand daughter (hubby's 1st dd with ex wife) is sooo beautiful to my confinement lady. When my CL asked "Oh! So did u boil for you this DIL (me)?" and she said "her mother bought cordyceps and i bought abalone for her" And I was like bullshit!! the small 1 pc of abalone was bought by her put I PAID for it!!!! she din even paid for it and she got the nerves to say she bought it.

THen she went on to tell my CL to shaved my bb's hair n eyebrows la... thn chant something while doing so bla bla bla about her rituals! Whn i overheard all these... I told hubby immediately "I'm NOT going to do watever ur mum is saying, let u know first. She can do it with her own kids but not MINE!"

I can totally emphatize with with Cheyenne.. MIL can be soooo difficult, interfering n a real pain in the butt, esp of ur hubby is mummy's boy. I had quarelled with hubby many times thanks to his mother!! IMHO Cheyenne, if u still love ur hubby even a tiny bit... dun give up on the marriage. REally, children needs their father. U must really try to work it out.. using different approach. Swallow ur pride if u need to. It s hard to be a single mother... n if u still love him, divorcing is PAINFUL.

I sincerely wish u the best and really hope things will work out good for u. Meanwhile, be happy and have a wonderful pregnancy.

 

[beatricemom]

i would really suggest a cooling off period, i agree that maybe you should stay at your mum's place together with your DD for a period continuing your confinement before coming to any decisions.

From your threads, i gather your hubby is not really a weak person, but rather he is confused and does not know how to handle the matter. Men like to keep matters to themselves and they will hardly confide in their friends or family if problems arise. Unlike us women, we would blah out any frustrations, anger, emotions to anyone anywhere.

I have my fair share of my problems with my MIL too, I was staying with them in the 1st 4 yrs of marriage. being a 'tenant' they of course did not show the utmost hospitality to me to and even pass nasty comments to my hubby, throughout the 2 yrs my hubby kept slient as well. my MIL could even go off on a one mth holiday went ahead with the booking of the tiks and due to leave in 1 week's time without consulting if i would be able to take 1 mth off work (she was caring for my girl then). HORRIBLE!
And when my girl was born, she would also scare me with alot of antics that i have nvr heard of before. The last straw was my daughter was locked inside in of the bedrooms and had to call civil defence in to crack open the door. All this happened when my girl was only 2 yrs old! And she could passoff the incident as a joke saying its so funny!!
I swear I almost used a chopper and charged at her when I heard that my daughter was locked in the room! and throughout my hubby didnt say anything at all.

even my DD was a baby she nvr really took good care of her well, changing her diapers only once a day! even when DD was struck with rotavirus and hospitalised, she couldn't be bothered to go to the hospital and visit or even ask if she was any better. instead she went to play mj instead.

when we moved out of PIL's house, boy was i glad!
even now with my DS i could n't care less if she wants to see the bb or not. If she doesn't want to see, so be it. my hubby started to slowly realise that each time we need help for kids or family... its always my family n my extnded family who readily helpd out no obligation!
i've been in the same situation as you as well. thinking of divorce, seperation etc. We even stayed seperately for 2 mths as a cooling off period, me and DD @ my mum's while he con't to stay with his parents.
it took me 7 yrs to show my hubby that his family works like that.

so i'm sure u will survive it all too! Divorce should be the last resort. talk to your hubby one last time in a calm manner and decide what is best for the kids and u. Now that BB no 2 is coming, it's nt the time to think of all these problems. focus on having a safe and smooth delivery by staying calm. do simple yoga and breathing in excercises in the meantime.
Think through the problem again after your confinement.

Good Luck and JIA YOU!

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

Actually, I do find some funny parts in this thread.

1) Since so many of you have problems with your MILs, can I safely assume that you ladies would therefore strive to be a more understanding, less demanding, more tolerant & less superstitious MIL ... when it's your turn in the future?
:biggrin: :biggrin:

2) Since MIL & DIL are supposed to be of the same species, scientifically speaking ... I really wonder how these MILs were treated when they were somebody else's DILs. Are they doing all these nonsense ... becoz they are "out for revenge" or are they just "preserving tradition"??
:brolleyes: :brolleyes:

 

[pkshl]

Actually, I do find some funny parts in this thread.

1) Since so many of you have problems with your MILs, can I safely assume that you ladies would therefore strive to be a more understanding, less demanding, more tolerant & less superstitious MIL ... when it's your turn in the future?
:biggrin: :biggrin:

2) Since MIL & DIL are supposed to be of the same species, scientifically speaking ... I really wonder how these MILs were treated when they were somebody else's DILs. Are they doing all these nonsense ... becoz they are "out for revenge" or are they just "preserving tradition"??
:brolleyes: :brolleyes:

my MIL is just lucky that her inlaws passed away when her kids were so young. unlike my mum, still staying with my grandpa(dad's dad) & its horrible bcos he's so unhygiene & now abit senile, likes to anyhow scold us, especially my mum who suffered for so many yrs. my mum had slight depression bcos of this.lucky she managed to overcome it & advise me its better to stay on my own after marriage. after i got my own house,i realised she was so right.

my MIL was nice to me previously but now i tink after she looked after 2kids for 1yr+, she abit haywire. now like to critise me & compare me with other people. worst, now like to plan things for us without even consult us & when i object she give me face(my hubby will not do the talking, so im always the bad 1 here). say she old-fashion, i will agree. definately worst than my mum. once, my mum told my MIL must keep up with society, cannot be so old-fashioned minded. :001_302:

 

[Daddy D]

Wonder if DIL have problems with FIL?
Or if SIL have problems with PIL?

My in-laws and my dad has passed away... so never encounter above. Only got my mum... n that's already a handful at times.
Different case though... cos' I'm the one who's always arguing with my mum.... I make it a point to leave my DW and kid out when I want to speak my mind to my mum.
Typically, she's the old fashioned, supersititious kind. And I being the youngest, I guess I fall into the mummy's boy category.
When mum disagrees with me, or my DW or what my kid does, she will kick a fuss with me. I will reason with her nicely but always end up raising voice cos' she's sibei sturborn (due to age?)
After disagreement, sure stop talking for a few months.
This morn argue again... over a small BD cake... cos' she dun allow my DD to celebrate with BD cake for Aunt's BD, cos' Uncle didn't have previously. Sibei RIDICULOUS! It's only a small $1 cake! In the 1st place never say cannot buy, buy liao then say not fair since Uncle didn't have. TMD, the cake is more for my DD, also not for her! TMD... I didn't remember my Bro's BD in Jan... now then tell me... my SIS' BD 1st Apr... of cos I easier to remember lah! My Bro also dun mind, she mind!
Another few months no need to talk to mum liao.
Thank goodness not staying together.
Tough as a son liao... I cannot imagine for DIL.
My take, better leave the son/daughter to handle the own mums.

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

Different case though... cos' I'm the one who's always arguing with my mum.... I make it a point to leave my DW and kid out when I want to speak my mind to my mum.
Tough as a son liao... I cannot imagine for DIL.
My take, better leave the son/daughter to handle the own mums.

My sentiments exactly ... & BIG clap clap for you too.
Especially the sons ... it's definitely a dirty job, but really should just do what a man's gotta do.
:wink: :wink:

my SIS' BD 1st Apr... of cos I easier to remember lah!

Hmmm ... I didn't know so many people have April Fool's Day as their birthday.
My Seamus & my MIL were both born on 1 Apr too ... had a hard time convincing people it was neither a joke nor a scam when I sent them the sms notifying them of my son's arrival.
:biggrin: :biggrin:

 

[CDL]

I sympathesize with you Cheyenne. MILs are a handful to say the least. The way I see it, there are several issues to address -

1. Tomb-sweeping - short term solution would be to think creatively and come up with something to prevent your baby from having to go (doctor's appt/feign illness). Longer term solution would be to get your husband's consensus that baby shouldn't go for such trips. Oncw husband agrees, then it will be easier to speak to MIL (relying on the fact that his sibling also doesn't allow their kid to go);

2. Issues with your MIL in general - she will not change neither is she possibly going to admit her errors. To minimise conflict, you must explore living seperately from her. This could mean moving with your husband and kids back to your parent' place or even renting. The distance alone will give your some peace of mind and it will be easier to tolerate her during the few occasions when you meet. Again speak to your husband and get his agreement on this;

3. Issues with your husband - I agree with someone else who has posted here- your husband does nto sound weak but rather confused and caught in the middle. When you speak to him give him alternatives he can consider that he would be more inclined to accept. For instance - even after your confinement, you could consider staying with your folks for part of the week (weekdays?) and with your MIL during weekend? or get your husband to have his mother involved in some activities during the times when you are at home (shopping, mj, holidaying - anything to reduce her presence at home or get MIL to stay with another child for a period).

It is clear that you have been tolerating your MIL for a while and you feel that your husband is not supportive enough. Sometimes a different approach to the issues may give you a better result and often the result that you are looking for. Hang in there and think about how you can connect with your husbnd better.

Hugs to you.

 

[Ottermum]

Wow Daddy D your wife so lucky to have married you...don't have to do the clashing with MIL....hee!!

Vroom Vroom...IMHO MILs now must be thinking "last time i got bullied by my MIL i also keep quiet what...why nowadays these DILs so difficult to handle?!"

Generation gaaaaaap la...last time mata wear shorts leh...

next time think i scared ah...better not stay with DS's family...hope i don't get senile need to wear diapers kind...

who wanna go old folks home play mahjong with me??:wong12:

 

[yellowpudding]

Wonder if DIL have problems with FIL?
Or if SIL have problems with PIL?

My in-laws and my dad has passed away... so never encounter above. Only got my mum... n that's already a handful at times.
Different case though... cos' I'm the one who's always arguing with my mum.... I make it a point to leave my DW and kid out when I want to speak my mind to my mum.
Typically, she's the old fashioned, supersititious kind. And I being the youngest, I guess I fall into the mummy's boy category.
When mum disagrees with me, or my DW or what my kid does, she will kick a fuss with me. I will reason with her nicely but always end up raising voice cos' she's sibei sturborn (due to age?)
After disagreement, sure stop talking for a few months.
This morn argue again... over a small BD cake... cos' she dun allow my DD to celebrate with BD cake for Aunt's BD, cos' Uncle didn't have previously. Sibei RIDICULOUS! It's only a small $1 cake! In the 1st place never say cannot buy, buy liao then say not fair since Uncle didn't have. TMD, the cake is more for my DD, also not for her! TMD... I didn't remember my Bro's BD in Jan... now then tell me... my SIS' BD 1st Apr... of cos I easier to remember lah! My Bro also dun mind, she mind!
Another few months no need to talk to mum liao.
Thank goodness not staying together.
Tough as a son liao... I cannot imagine for DIL.
My take, better leave the son/daughter to handle the own mums.

wah...daddy d! a few months no talking?

 

[Daddy D]

wah...daddy d! a few months no talking?

Exxagerate a bit lah... maybe tok a bit since still see everyday cos' my mum takes care of DD... but always I initiate to make-up then kena more scolding.... TMD.... she's the kind everything dun say, sweep under carpet, or expect me to know what she's thinking.... TMD...
Always kena over small issues... old liao too free... think so much...
My DW also find it amusing... do more I kena scold... do less I kena scold...other's fault I also kena scold... TMDDDDDDDD.... think liao MORE ANGRY.... tonite sure give me tat sickening black face... TMDDDDD

 

[jasline26]

wow Daddy D! if every husband same as u so understandable ,can understand how wife feels. thats really GREAT ! sometimes wonder Wad MIL is thinking ! so hard to handle LOL!
like 1 hell vs 1 heaven! cant talk at all 11:

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

Vroom Vroom...IMHO MILs now must be thinking "last time i got bullied by my MIL i also keep quiet what...why nowadays these DILs so difficult to handle?!"

Generation gaaaaaap la...last time mata wear shorts leh...

Actually, I raised those questions pertaining to "MILs were once also DILs leh" ... simply becoz such mentality also exist in army camps & school camps lor: senior must bully junior, becoz they were also bullied when they were juniors.
:embarrassed: :embarrassed:

 

[rainypink]

haha. so funny..

i know i will be a v gd MIL. but of cuz my DIL not those sibei guailan kind lah. if not i also chu pattern for her to see. :tlaugh:

 

[autumn82]

I think my DIL next time would be complaining to my DS.. "Where ur mum gone to again this time!? Out of 365days, I only get to see her for 2 days, which is CNY." LOL.

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

haha. so funny..

i know i will be a v gd MIL. but of cuz my DIL not those sibei guailan kind lah. if not i also chu pattern for her to see. :tlaugh:

Well, according to Murphy's Law ... since you already have fears for those sibei guailan kind of DIL, then you will surely get them lor.
Happy sparring ... in advance.
:rofl: :rofl:

 

[rainypink]

Well, according to Murphy's Law ... since you already have fears for those sibei guailan kind of DIL, then you will surely get them lor.
Happy sparring ... in advance.
:rofl: :rofl:

ah! then i will cry my eyes out in front of my son or daughter and say , you see!!! She bully me!!! ancing_wub:

my MIL do that! :001_302: and won. :err:

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

ah! then i will cry my eyes out in front of my son or daughter and say , you see!!! She bully me!!! ancing_wub:

my MIL do that! :001_302: and won. :err:

That makes her your role model lor ... so why complain about whatever she's doing to you then? :brolleyes: :brolleyes:

 

[Ottermum]

ah! then i will cry my eyes out in front of my son or daughter and say , you see!!! She bully me!!! ancing_wub:

my MIL do that! :001_302: and won. :err:

next time if my DIL bullies me...i'll sit on the floor n cry n wail loud loud like the auntie who missed her flight in HK airport...

heh heh...sure win one....:wong29:

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

next time if my DIL bullies me...i'll sit on the floor n cry n wail loud loud like the auntie who missed her flight in HK airport...

heh heh...sure win one....:wong29:

Obviously, you've forgotten to consider one very important factor.
If you do that, your son would definitely be embarassed thoroughly by you ... & end up taking the side of your DIL.
:rofl: :rofl:

 

[Cheyenne]

To answer VroomVroom Boys - My MIL have problem with her own MIL before, always heard her complaint. And she 'kind' of divorce with her husband (my PIL).Kind of cos,as per her olden days no legal paper.PIL don't stay with us,she nor her sons care where he goes, live etc. But,since got DD,PIL is here every day to 'help' MIL out to take care. play with grandchildre, so MIL can concentrate on her house work(she got jie pi).PIL also join for reniunon dinner, but never stay overnight.

Hence,MIL kept reminding her sons (hubby is the elderst) that how she single handed brought them up and suffer all these years... blah blah..... Perhaps that is why,she built her kingdom (control) over the years.

As some of you have memtioned - hubby is just confused, sandwiched etc and not weak. I do agree. But, my point is that he have to wake up and DO SOMETHING.He is pretty clear which side he should stand at time,but he never. How can someone be confused for 5 over years and continue to stay confused ?

Hence, to my conclusion, he is weak, cos he does not want to retaliate.Perhaps, in the earlier year, with his intervension,situation may not end up to what it is now (to choose either one of us, wife or mother). Too bad,he had been weak for years and the situation is just like a volcano waiting to explore beyond repair.

To daddy D- how I wish you can share some of your strength with my hubby.