An unhappy confinement period

[tanglin]

I went to see my mother in law yesterday for dinner with my husband.First thing she asked was WHERE ARE MY GRANDSONS.Crap she has only been to see my sons elder 1-about 6 times since birth.He is 23 mths now.younger son 8 mths-3 times.twice after birth when i was still in hospital and once when my baby went through his op.Even when she came to visit him after his op she just came look see look see then went gossiping to other beds.Imagine her scolding me without looking at the time it was 10 pm.i PUT MY SONS TO SLEEP FIRST WITH MY MUM AND HELPER WATCHING THEM BEFORE I CAME.Then she started nagging and nagging and my husband paid me $200 in advance not to answer her back so i had no choice i did not want her to insist on us comming to her house 2 morrow so i just kept quiet.What the hell is wrong with this funny mother in law. Insecure is it???? I told my hubb last night was the last time i am giving her face cause i dont believe she did a PERFECT JOB IN RAISING HIM AND HIS SIBLINGS UP.

wah...$200 to shut you up? i also want leh!!:001_302: at least can use the money to buy some tonics for myself later to make up for all the nonsense i had to tahan...

that time when my mil & her sisters came to visit us in hospital after delivery, they also just took one glance at the baby and spent the rest of their visit checking out the room, rec kee everything from toilet to meal contents, made comments here and there and asked their #1 favourite question, 'how much?" oh ya, they also commented amongst themselves right in front of me that i still looked fat even though i've delivered. hello, it's only one day after delivery??

 

[tanglin]

Agree! I'm facing the same thing. So many more areas of conflict as a) got differences in views on parenting and caring for kid; b) I gotta stay at home almost 24/7 so face mother in law 16/5(all my non sleeping hours during weekday).

We also had cordial rship so far before my girl came along, but I knew it wasn't easy already. Cos I was living with them since marriage and I always wanted to escape from the house each weekend or when I'm clearing leave. Sometimes even when I'm on MC!

Now it's really quite sour largely bcos I got very bad temper and flare up. dont even care that they are my ILs... I talk back . So I find it very hard to stop doing so and be nice and subservient all over again. Can't wait to move out though I know it will be a different set of bigger problems being stay at home mum on my own, with hubby...

if you are the more tolerant dil, staying on has its merits cos you save $$ and energy. (i'm assuming the inlaws contribute in some ways, either house is theirs or they cook for the household etc). also someone to look after your child even if it's just for a little while and even though all they do is 'look' only LOL when you need to leave the house urgently for short while. i had to bring my son everywhere with me since he's a baby, or wait for hubby to come back from work to run errands cos i've no backup at all.

but if you are the no nonsense kind, it will be better to put up with these inconveniences and move out to restore your sanity. cos it just gets more intolerable in the long run.

btw, Happy Mother's Day to you and all other mommies on this thread! we didn't have it easy compared to other moms blessed with helpful inlaws, but we still made it through all these while, so i think everyone of us deserve a good pat on the back!:001_302:

 

[vinder79]

wah...$200 to shut you up? i also want !!:001_302: at least can use the money to buy some tonics for myself later to make up for all the nonsense i had to tahan...

that time when my mother in law & her sisters came to visit us in hospital after delivery, they also just took one glance at the baby and spent the rest of their visit checking out the room, rec kee everything from toilet to meal contents, made comments here and there and asked their #1 favourite question, 'how much?" oh ya, they also commented amongst themselves right in front of me that i still looked fat even though i've delivered. hello, it's only one day after delivery??

Exactly the same happened to me u see i am quite big sized but my mum said that my tummy was deflated after i gave birth.MIL's brother also had the guts to say that she looked more like my husbands's wife.My hubb saw my temper raising and told him to shut up.Hubby grand ma was there and they threaten me that if 4 no2 dont have 30 days celebration the granny wanna speak to me and my mum.I told my MIL OFF"dont need to say so much i also can call my mother and 2 grannies down "and she change tatic.Its like i told his granny your grandson dont wanna invite his side of the family not much i can do she said cause i am elder i must think for both.I said what to do your family boys only think in between their legs.(luckily maternal grannypaternal i die la)

 

[bbgal_2010]

todae i reali hate her so much...bought her for dinner to celebrate mother's day she request us to buy a new hse in malaysia for her as mother's dae present..den sell the old hse away...as she tok to her xiao gu n they are arranging her to view the hse when she is bk to malacca...arrrrrrrrr i nver say i wan buy hse leh...wad rubbish is she gving mi nw...she said that old hse to big to tidy as she is alone in the hse she is veri tired of hsekeeping...i told her if that is the case i will employed a maid for her isn't it going to make more sense? She replied me..old hse nw sell can fetch better price..den? the hse sell liao $ oso kept by her..den new hse we pay? Therefore i cor his sister's n brother up to discuss bout this matter..wah...all telling mi no $ n oso decision is all up to mi n my hubby...n if i say NO...i"m the bad guy coz I'm singaporean..proud..dun wan take out $..but if i take out this sum of $..i kinda think that i'm so stupit coz no 1 wan to put in a share in it n my hubby said take it as investment...but helo wad if we in need of $ isn't it going to tighten up our pocket? Esp..wif a newborn baby nw...i can't predict wad if i in need of $? What shd i do? Esp she told all her relatives nw she going to move new hse...

 

[Renzie]

investment? a house in malacca?

Firstly will the new house be under her name or your name? Next time if need money and if its under her name then how, and if she's still alive and staying there, then how? If need money urgently, plan to ask her to move out ?

Do what you feel that its best, its your money. Don't need to look at their faces or HER face. Your baby comes first. And since when does nationality comes into factor.

Do your own financial calculation and show the figures to your husband whether or not he has the extra cash to invest. He might not be aware of how much he might need to come out every month, and you'll need to save some money for the baby's future as well. Or is he planning to bank all the savings into his "investment" ?

Why does being a singaporean means you need to pay? And if you don't take out means that you are being proud? You have a baby now, a family, you'll need to consider if its viable to tie up your money in property especially when you might need the money urgently. Property takes time to liquidate especially if the area is not that popular. I had seen quite a number of empty houses filled with weeds, for sale, so imagine this if there's no takers for the house and you are stuck with the need for urgent cash.

Sorry babe, I'm not trying to be depressive here, but you would need to consider the "what ifs" and the worst case scenario, and if you have any back up cash. Investment is when you have the extra money to play around with, and considering that you are actually buying her a new home, you can consider it gone. Unless your husband is willing to chase her out of the house when the need arise. Talk to him about it.

AS for her telling the whole world about moving into a new home, just ignore her. Let her do the explaination if she doesn't have a new home to move into. Whether you become the good or bad guy, just ignore them. If you wish, you can call his sister and brother to explain that you are financially tight and need to consider for the baby as well, thus is unable to commit into a new home for the mother. I'm sure that they'll understand. And probably could help take your side when those san gu lu po gossip.

 

[wawa]

If you dont wish to see her coming to your house every now and then or requesting all of u to move into the "new" house in future, then stand firm in your stand. That is NOT TO AGREE IN BUYING A NEW HOUSE.

Once you buy it, in future if you are forced to move over or see her coming over almost daily, you really cant blame anyone. You chose to buy it so you should have bear the consequences.

Of course, be prepared to tolerate her nonsense for the rest of your life. I dont think your hubby going to help any side, just stay at work late before coming home.

Is your mil trying to get you to buy a house in JB area? I stayed in JB (not with inlaws) and nowadays houses in JB is not as cheap as they are used to be. A new 2 storey intermediate house cost at least 300k in ringgit.

 

[Ting]

babe, she wanna move new hse can, tell her, use the proceeds of the old hse to buy a new one.
say u no money.
if your hubby can afford, ask him to pay himself. but b4 that, make sure he is putting aside a substantial amt for u n baby.
the rest, he wanna invest then invest..
if he doesnt hv enuf money, then tell him to FACE THE FACTS n tell his mum himself.
his mum wanna show off she is moving hse then let her be. anyway, end up also she paiseh.
make your stand clear, if his siblings wanna agree to get new hse for their mum, then ALL hv to chip in.
let them know, its ALL or nothing.
n since she say old hse so big, then buy a small new hse. say a one room one hall or 2 rooms one hall or something.
give excuse that she dont hv to clean up so much since small hse.
also an excuse that u dun hv to move over to her new place since there is not enough rooms.

 

[apollo]

babe, can buy and invest on the hse, but make sure the hse is under u and ur hubby's name. she just stay in tt hse nia.

and who say singaporean means must pay money for inlaws? they tot u v rich? pls lahh, even u rich also doesnt mean u HAVE to buy hse for her. and somemore SG living standard is so high, the more u earn means u also hav to spend more.

 

[vinder79]

babe, can buy and invest on the house, but make sure the house is under you and your hubby's name. she just stay in that house nia.

and who say singaporean means must pay money for inlaws? they thought you very rich? pls lahh, even you rich also doesnt mean you HAVE to buy house for her. and somemore SG living standard is so high, the more you earn means you also hav to spend more.

If i were in your place and dont wanna make things 2 hard on mine and hubb relationship i would make the decision apollo suggest.tHAT ALSO DEPENDS IF I CAN AFFORD IT.I mean seriously what happens if house is under her name and she passes on???I MEAN THEN WHO GETS THE HOUSE. Tell hubb to be fair to your baby as you guys can do an investment for her.Be realistic this is a house in a country that has BUMI PUTRA which i think means that only for malaysian muslims the house is freehold.(Not that sure gd if u check it out)
And a mothers day gift turns out to be a house be careful fathers day gift turn out to be Bently or Lambo how?

 

[tanglin]

wah..your mil's appetite very big leh. :elvis:
a house for mother's day present?
then what will you have to buy her next year, a luxury car to go with it?

agree with Renzie - work out the exact figures you need to fork out every month for the next ?? years and show it to your hubby. also list down all your current monthly expenditure and future ones like your girl's education, healthcare etc. if he's the money conscious kind, it will jolt him awake immediately to make the right decision even without you saying anything more. sometimes dollars and cents talk better sense to the men than their wives..

honestly, in a situation like this i'd rather be the bad guy than to take on a commitment like this. after all, it's not as if your mil has to sleep on the streets if you don't buy her a house, nor is she living an uneasy life under someone else's roof. more so when she can easily use the proceeds of her current one to downgrade to a smaller one that she claims to prefer. so what if you really buy her a house? will she start to treat you like her own daughter then? if the rest of your hubby's siblings and relatives think you're the bad guy, then ask them to play the good guy and buy her the house themselves.

 

[tanglin]

message deleted cos too much details. never know who will be reading my posts out there?

 

[cocraze]

if you are the more tolerant daughter in law, staying on has its merits cos you save $$ and energy. (i'm assuming the inlaws contribute in some ways, either house is theirs or they cook for the household etc). also someone to look after your child even if it's just for a little while and even though all they do is 'look' only LOL when you need to leave the house urgently for short while. i had to bring my son everywhere with me since he's a baby, or wait for hubby to come back from work to run errands cos i've no backup at all.

but if you are the no nonsense kind, it will be better to put up with these inconveniences and move out to restore your sanity. cos it just gets more intolerable in the long run.

btw, Happy Mother's Day to you and all other mommies on this thread! we didn't have it easy compared to other moms blessed with helpful inlaws, but we still made it through all these while, so i think everyone of us deserve a good pat on the back!:001_302:

Definitely moving out cos it was original plan even before we got married. We got a BTO flat so had to wait a few years for flat, but went ahead and got married anyway since got place to stay with his parents.

But yes, definitely more convenient and less tiring staying with them cos dont need to cook and wash. I just settle my baby's washing and feeding. But they lived together for so long, so they used to each other's specific living habits, but Im not. And is such that I feel wary/scared of upsetting the routine at home...where to place things...Can you imagine I only get to have my bath towel washed once a week, and must only be on Sunday? I guess thats the trouble with having limited space to hang clothes out to dry. Nowadays, Im so stinky already in the morning (from feeding and bathing baby in morn), but I just have to 'ren' and bathe only at night when hubby is home.

When it comes to taking care of baby, Im responsible almost 24/7 except when hubby is home. FIL used to help carry and entertain her in the mornings and evenings when he is at home, but I think I pissed them off a bit too much. So he's been showing less interest in 'stepping in' when I need a breather (to surf net, watch TV). That said, they still do help keep an eye on her when I NEED to do official/proper things like bathe, eat meals, wash her clothes/bottles.

MIL is stay-at-home, but cannot help much cos of her health. Only help carry her when Im busy in the daytime (eat lunch). Other than that, she does some household chores, nap, listen to radio, talk on phone. Oh yah, and she has time to go to hairdressers' to wash her hair twice a week (for some reason, she doesnt wash her own hair). She come home, nice nice hair, still can spray those type of irritating (stinking, to me) aerosol hairspray somemore. Hate it when they do that at the extra sink in the kitchen, cos the dish rack is right behind that. Imagine you place your eating utensils or baby bottle brush there, and they spray hairspray. Me? I had to MAKE APPOINTMENT with hubby to babysit girl while I went to have my 4 months' uncut hair trimmed....feel so 黄脸婆。

Sorry for the long and (maybe) irrelevant post. Need to vent...

 

[bbgal_2010]

Definitely moving out cos it was original plan even before we got married. We got a BTO flat so had to wait a few years for flat, but went ahead and got married anyway since got place to stay with his parents.

But yes, definitely more convenient and less tiring staying with them cos dont need to cook and wash. I just settle my baby's washing and feeding. But they lived together for so long, so they used to each other's specific living habits, but Im not. And is such that I feel wary/scared of upsetting the routine at home...where to place things...Can you imagine I only get to have my bath towel washed once a week, and must only be on Sunday? I guess thats the trouble with having limited space to hang clothes out to dry. Nowadays, Im so stinky already in the morning (from feeding and bathing baby in morn), but I just have to 'ren' and bathe only at night when hubby is home.

When it comes to taking care of baby, Im responsible almost 24/7 except when hubby is home. father in law used to help carry and entertain her in the mornings and evenings when he is at home, but I think I pissed them off a bit too much. So he's been showing less interest in 'stepping in' when I need a breather (to surf net, watch TV). That said, they still do help keep an eye on her when I NEED to do official/proper things like bathe, eat meals, wash her clothes/bottles.

mother in law is stay-at-home, but cannot help much cos of her health. Only help carry her when Im busy in the daytime (eat lunch). Other than that, she does some household chores, nap, listen to radio, talk on phone. Oh yah, and she has time to go to hairdressers' to wash her hair twice a week (for some reason, she doesnt wash her own hair). She come home, nice nice hair, still can spray those type of irritating (stinking, to me) aerosol hairspray somemore. Hate it when they do that at the extra sink in the kitchen, cos the dish rack is right behind that. Imagine you place your eating utensils or baby bottle brush there, and they spray hairspray. Me? I had to MAKE APPOINTMENT with hubby to babysit girl while I went to have my 4 months' uncut hair trimmed....feel so 黄脸婆。


U are lucky ardi...me almost 1 yr + have not have any hair cut coz when pregnant they say cannot dye hair cannot touch scissors or sharp items coz baby will have scars...den nw no one to take care of my baby if i'm going for haircut as my MONSTER dun even koe how to make milk for my baby( breastmilk in the fridge den heat up oso dun koe) change pamper oso dun koe the only time she help me is when i'm eatting she juz help me carry her for 10 mins after that she complained that the hands veri aching coz she is heavy...n the laundry n cooking is all done by me alone...not her she is juz the EMPRESS waiting to be serve..when i'm cooking 1/2 wae n baby cries...well i have to stop everything off the fire n attend to my baby..coz my MONSTER is slping..cannot wake my MONSTER up coz she will have headsche..but if dinner not serve again..well..she will have gastric...so dinner must be serve ON THE DOT! I'M more like the "YELLOW FACE OLD WOMAN WITH MESSY HAIR!!!

 

[cocraze]

bbgal_2010,
your monster set to stay until when?
you talked to your hubby and tell your monster about the buying house in msia thingey?

 

[bbgal_2010]

She is going bk tml but she is going to view the new hse as my hubby say not necessary she will buy it if she go n see...n i have find out that for the hse dwn payment i need take out ard 5 to 6k Sing dollar as dwn payment the rest can apply for UOB bank loan (30yrs)every mth we need to pay ard $400 to 500 Sing dollar juz like having an car install ment. He ask me to think bout investing...as the hse is freehold.

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

You ask your hubby if investing a hse in malaysia means tht nxt time you all retire in malaysia issit? I mean if want to invest why invest in malaysia? the exchange rate is not as good if you were to sell it off next time? If were to collect rent, convert to sing also is lesser money???

If really hv to buy in malaysia, then I suggest to put you & hubby's name as owner, so tht next time got any dispute, at least you r the one paying for it and the hse is under your name

 

[apollo]

You ask your hubby if investing a house in malaysia means tht nxt time you all retire in malaysia issit? I mean if want to invest why invest in malaysia? the exchange rate is not as good if you were to sell it off next time? If were to collect rent, convert to sing also is lesser money???

If really have to buy in malaysia, then I suggest to put you & hubby's name as owner, so tht next time got any dispute, at least you r the one paying for it and the house is under your name

i put my both hands both legs up! TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!!:tlaugh:

 

[Jan]

bbgal2010,

my dad is a malaysian... And he actually have piece of lands and a house in Malaysia. But he never consider it as investment. When my mum asked if he wants to buy a house in Johor... his reply was... For What? Do u think it will bring you will earn? My mum jus kept quiet...

So consider...why pay few hundreds a mth when u can save that for your baby for her future... As your child grow, the amt of money u going to spend is not jus 100 or 200... is going to be more than that. If you mother in law wants to buy a house in M'sia, why must make you all pay when all her other children can sneak away from the responsibilities... touch wood... if one day your parents in law pass on... can u all be solely the owners of the hse... will your other siblings can and fight with you for money you gain from selling the hse?

This is jus my view... I think your hubby can't keep taking the responsibilities but not thinking that he is now shoulder with a greater one that is your little princess...

 

[Renzie]

Yeah I agree with the rest. Whose name will the new house is under anyway? Plus how much your hubby know about the property prices in melaka or malaysia? Plus buying a house for your MIL to stay in, how is that considered as an investment? You can only get anything out from the house after she cease to stay there, and how long will that be?

In melaka, depending on which area, the price goes up really really slowly. Imagine 10K difference in about 5-10 yrs (I'm comparing the land which my FIL and SIL bought), then when u include in property tax, bank interest rate, how much do you earn anyway?

Plus do you have the extra money to put into it? Investment doesn't mean that you'll get returns, its the extra money you can easily and readily be written off. Of course, its good if you can get returns, but if you don't? Can you easily just write off the money?

I'm not sure if the property can be under your name, has to put under your hubby's name only. Because for foreigners to own land in malaysia need to invest in at least RM 400-500K ? I know last time was RM 250K but I think recently increase already. Can't remember increase to how much. If you decide to buy the house, please do check all this details, after decided that put under your hubby's and MIL's name how? then she will her portion to someone else....it'll be very complicated....

Your hubby asked you to think about it, it doesn't mean you have to agree. Its easy to just say buy buy invest, but please check up on the conditions etc before agreeing. make sure its to your advantage esp since u r the one paying.

 

[wawa]

Never consider buying a house in malaysia as investment because most of the time you are losing money more than you earn (land in malaysia are too big, how to earn?) The house my hubby and I bought in JB doesnt include my name because I am a singaporean and malaysia charge us about 2% of the price (if i didnt remember wrongly) if we were to include a foreigner name into the house. So my hubby bought it under his own name and do a will.