Parenting : punishments ?

[mummy of three]

I'm a mother of 3 .. age 1, 3 and 5. I'm having a major problem with my anger when my no. 2 (3yo boy) misbehaved, throw tantrums and refuses to co operate. juz ytd nite, I canned him.. after leaving him the cane marks, i feel so bad.. I dun feel bad abt what others may think.. but in fact im more concern abt what I'd just shown him its the negative side. and it really bothers me the whole nite.. till now..
this afternoon, the childcare centre's supervisor called to ask if there's any problem, and she's refering to the marks on his legs.. I felt more lousy after that.. what had i done ? this boy is indeed training my patience.. my limits, my everything..
Sometimes, I feel that I shld care lesser so that I wouldnt have more disagreements with him but I find that hard.. after all he's still my son, I need to know what's he doing? how's he feeling? what does he wants.
I hated him when he falls sick.. and especially when I know that my in laws kept stuffing him with lots of snacks yet no drinking of plain water, he will end up having fever, cough and phlem. and on top of that, as he was a 24 weeks premature baby, every time he cough, my goodness, i will have endless nights of sleep... I really feel so unfair when I say "no more biscuits esp u r gonna hv dinner soon" but my in laws still pushes or ask if he wants this or that. I feel myself no power when my kids are with my in laws. whatever I say no, they will still give or insist.. I feel so tired..
and now, the cane marks will make me feel so bad and lousy till they disappear...
Help.. I dun wanna treat him this way.. can anyone tell me how and what can I do to improve my r/s w my kids, esp my no.2. he is draining my patience and calm. I'm so tired.
I do wish to find an enrichment centre for him to let him stay focus and be occupied. but of course cost is my main concern as my husband is the sole breadwinner of the family and i had juz started my PT job recently after these 5 years being a FT mum..

 

[Oppsgal]

Try to control your anger. Maybe put him in a naughty corner instead of using caning.

Hid the cane? Tell him the reason for punishment before put at a corner for 5 minutes.

 

[mummy of three]

hi Oppsgal
I had tried this method b4.. its useless now. felt that, he feel, stand stand lor..'now im actually using another method, I make them sit down with eyes close. sometimes w music on, or sometimes, i juz want them to "listen" to themselves.
this is when i can control my anger.. but what if i cant ? help..! is there any way to control self anger ?

 

[littlehelper]

Got qutie of a problem here.Is like the mid-child syndrome.Your second child is the one caught inbetween.I believe many middle children have this prob.They don't have much time from their parents.They were born into a family with another sibling therefore the love is shared.And not too long after that another comes taking away the love.
However, this is not an excuse for him to throw tantrums and you need not feel guilty that you have not spent time with him.But you have to teach him how to get along with you and the others.

Try naughty mat now instead of corner cos it already does not work.Also,use that only for certain things.Don't send him to the corner for every single little thing he does that you are not happy with if not it will end up a failed method again.Also, set very clear expectations of what you want him to do.Try to say :" I want you to stand up and tell me what's wrong" instead of :" Stand up, DON'T lie on the floor, DON'T scream"Avoid the don'ts. And if your son is 3, he should be able to talk in quite clear sentences. Get down to his eye level and ask him what is wrong.Listen to him then explain what he can do instead of throwing a tantrum.Have different means of punishment if he does different things.For example, if he does not share a toy with his sibling/snatches toy away, his toy will be confiscated.If he throws a tantrum/bites he will have to sit on the mat.

For yourself, if you really cannot control your temper, ensure that the kids are playing safely, then go to the room and have some time alone.Don't bother about whats happening outside the room. Take deep breaths and calm yourself down.
All the best with the 3 kids. Give lots of praise to them and punish when appropriate

 

[mummy of three]

hi littlehelper,

thanks.. o yes.. i nearly forgotten abt the quiet time for myself to calm down..

you had mentioned that a 3 yo kid shld be able to talk.. well.. i guess due to prematurity & oso his in born characters, he's either stubburn, refuses to talk when being questioned, or he couldnt express himself as I ever punished him to carry his own school which was v heavy, when ask, "is ur bag heavy?" he replied no.. many things, he doesnt know how to reply & could express what he want properly leads to miscommunication.. that's y I felt so drained off by his attitute + hard character he has (stubburn, short temper, easily give up & unable to focus, simply bo chap attitute) sometimes so many of his short comings make me difficult to think abt his positive things..
Many told me he's a ver sensitive child & demands alot of attention. on top of that, he's active + playful. being a very "me" + quiet of myself, i find it hard to get along who is so mischivious...
but again, i know im his mum, i must learn to understand & get along w him. If I dun, who will ?

 

[jasobias]

hi littlehelper,

thanks.. o yes.. i nearly forgotten about the quiet time for myself to calm down..

you had mentioned that a 3 yo kid shld be able to talk.. well.. i guess due to prematurity & also his in born characters, he's either stubburn, refuses to talk when being questioned, or he couldnt express himself as I ever punished him to carry his own school which was very heavy, when ask, "is your bag heavy?" he replied no.. many things, he doesnt know how to reply & could express what he want properly leads to miscommunication.. that's why I felt so drained off by his attitute + hard character he has (stubburn, short temper, easily give up & unable to focus, simply bo chap attitute) sometimes so many of his short comings make me difficult to think about his positive things..
Many told me he's a ver sensitive child & demands alot of attention. on top of that, he's active + playful. being a very "me" + quiet of myself, i find it hard to get along who is so mischivious...
but again, i know im his mum, i must learn to understand & get along w him. If I dont, who will ?

hi,
i know its draining having 3 kids.My sons r ages 5 n 7 n i have a baby 3 months old.I took my 5 yr old out of kindy coz i was on bedrest during pregnancy n cldnt send him to school so he spent most of the time with me.Wasnt bad as i had some time then but with baby,its madness.Just preparing their food or helping them with their work n looking after a wailing baby knocks the air out of me.My 2nd son too misbehaves alot.To avoid losing my temper which i so often do,i hide my cane.I cane only when hubby is ard so its under a more "controlled" environment.My heart too feels so heavy when i have to cane them.Naughty corner doesnt really work.
I guess the only thing we can do is control ourselves.Its so easy to lose it.But after reading abt how the father of a little girl killed her just coz she ruined his cigarettes is a reality check for me.Its scary thought.But i know many parents who in fits of anger have gone "cane crazy".
I choose to spank them coz spanking causes pain to my hands to so its easier to stop.I do give them several warnings b4 tht.
Spend more time with the 2nd son.I try to have "alone " time with each kid.Like i wld leave baby with mum for a while to bring each one for lunch or dinner or shopping or just bring him to school n we spend the time talking in the train or bus.They know i love themvery much n tht they get beatings coz they misbehaved.
Hope things get better for u n they will once they r abit older.Just take a breather now n then.

 

[littlehelper]

Oh i see.Then instead of questioning him, you can ask him yes no questions or just answer the question for him like. :" i know you are upset about ------- but you have to (the appropriate way). " If he is active, bring him out to the playground and let him run, drain his energy instead of letting him drain yours.
Also, try to spend more time with him also a chance for him to know what you expect from him and give you time to understand him.
1 year old don't need so much attention from you can play on his own but still, don't leave him out.
All the best.Its definitely a juggle to handle 3 kids. but also a joy to spend time with them

 

[mummy of three]

hi littlehelper

sometimes a yes no question will oso make him confused & often we get the wrong answer. I believe he doesnt "screen" thru or think b4 he answer. & even after telling him the answer & wanting him to reply that way,he cant.
BUT ! "hahaa" suddenly a turn a ard.. when you ask him what's his favourite colour, he cld reply, "red.. my papa car is red!" or when you ask, you wanna have rice or noodle..? he wld definately answer " I want noodle !
so sometimes when maybe he did wrong, he panick & doesnt want to think aldy..
im so so tired.. sometimes I even hv crazy thots like, is it 8 zhi bu he (chinese) or what if 1 day he will end up faint after i cane him... what will i do ? the feeling is mixed.. so mixed & vexed of what i shld do..
every time i plan to bring him out, do something individually w him, he sure to make me angry.. if its small matter.. scold scold den ok.. but when serious mistake, I wld juz bit my lips & keep quiet & hopefully everything goes well till we get home.. den I will quickly settle him (eg bathe, food or milk den sleep) without much conversation, I will then stay in my room for a rest. but sometimes, he jus wun sleep which make me panick abt my temper, I wld oso keep him in his room & make sure he will soon fall asleep...

 

[wenz]

ya mid child syn... i'm facing this too initially...
lucky i manage to tame down my gal now...

it wasn't easy and need lotsa patience and self control...

 

[diymummy]

It could be what the mummies say - mid child syndrome.

My hubby was a middle child as well. He won't give trouble when he was young but he always wanted to be independant. So he's actually more independent than his elder and younger siblings.

It could be a passing phase of insecurity. Your 2nd child might be behaving like this because he wants attention or he feels that he is seen as a lesser child - not the eldest so no one respect him, not the youngest so no one dote him. These feelings are not true but he feels that they are in his simple young mind.

I think punishing him is ok and even though reasoning with him seems to go down the drains but I know that the reasons will still stay in his head. He's just testing boundaries. I think the one-to-one activity time is good though it seems not to be appreciated, continue with it when you have the courage to.

The other thing you can try is to tell him how much you love him before he goes to bed. Like maybe kiss him good night, tell him you love him, so that he will feel secure and soon come to see that he is equal to his other siblings.

I know it's trying with 3 kids. Hang in there...

 

[Ting]

i understand how u feel, cos when i shout at pin/smack her, i immediately feel the pain myself.
but sometimes, when the anger is triggered (by continuous actions), its not hard to flare up.
n right now, your son is in the terrible 2s n 3s stage, thus its his rebellious stage now. need more patience. sometimes i will also lose my cool when dealing with pin.
cos she is so active, so curious n so demanding tt at times she can be quite a handful.

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

Hi mummy of three,

you might want to talk to your husband about how best to discipline your children, most children look up to the daddy.....if possible try to get him to spend time with your 2nd child.

It is hard when you are staying at home with 3 kids some more, it's not easy...but anger & guilt is a vicious cycle...beat & feel guilty later, I believe every mummy goes through that. Don't try to do everything yourself, share with your husband....after all they are his children too.

And yes, children needs lots of praises & love when they r young, so tht they feel confident. Punishment is a must when you feel tht wat they hv done is wrong....don't feel guilty when you punish them, cos' children needs boundaries when they r young.

Like one of the mummy said, if possible talk to them at their eye level, assure them that you love them 1st then tell them tht their action is wrong that's why they r punished for their actions.

Also if you can take time out for yourself, hv tea with frens or just go out hv fun by yourself, catch a movie.....

If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to us.......:tlaugh:

 

[apollo]

actu i personally feel that no one can tell u whether ur method of 'punishing' ur child is right or wrong..

every child is diffe, thus everyone of them needs diffe attention and punishment. even if certain punishment works well on a certain child, doesnt mean will works on urs. best is to trial and error, know ur child characters b4 deciding which method is the best of u and him =)

 

[Oppsgal]

Is it true that girls are easier to discipline than boys?

When mummies start discipline their children? Got any tips to share?

 

[mummy of three]

Hi mummy of three,

you might want to talk to your husband about how best to discipline your children, most children look up to the daddy.....if possible try to get him to spend time with your 2nd child.

It is hard when you are staying at home with 3 kids some more, it's not easy...but anger & guilt is a vicious cycle...beat & feel guilty later, I believe every mummy goes through that. dont't try to do everything yourself, share with your husband....after all they are his children too.

And yes, children needs lots of praises & love when they are young, so tht they feel confident. Punishment is a must when you feel tht what they have done is wrong....dont't feel guilty when you punish them, cos' children needs boundaries when they are young.

Like one of the mummy said, if possible talk to them at their eye level, assure them that you love them 1st then tell them tht their action is wrong that's why they are punished for their actions.

Also if you can take time out for yourself, have tea with friends or just go out have fun by yourself, catch a movie.....

If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to us.......:tlaugh:

hi phoebii,

thanks.. Im trying very hard now.. He does still make me mad.. but so long i can control my anger, I will definately not punish them harshly but more quiet time that I will give them and myself like sitting down on a carpet and close their eyes. and at the same time, I have my own time as well..
Friends.. you mentioned friends.. maybe I settle down very early, I'm almost 27, and all my friends are juz married or still single.. ever since my 2nd child, I've somehow lost them.. sadly I feel its the extra commitment I'm giving to my family and I simply have no time for them.. or everyone of us couldnt meet a time slot.. and always ended up cancelling of meet ups. and topics are so different and views are so different now. they are now talking abt fashions, what's going on ard them.. in offices.. and their unhappiness abt another friend.. I can hear them.. I can understand or try to understand their point of view.. but when it comes to the unhappiness of another friend.. I somehow find it they think too much and believe that everyone has their own views and thots and at that very point, both or all of them couldnt agree each other.
Maybe to me now, love is patience.. these few years have shown me that there's nothing much to be unhappy bcoz of couldnt agree with each other, rather how can we come out w a better solution to solve the idea of making everyone happy and contented..
Ever since motherhood, my friends have been drifting away.. if I let go my family and went out w them, I wouldnt know what's going on at home.. where there's once, I dunno even know how well are they progressing, or even what they like or dun like.. that's y I chose to stay home and see every little things, as I dun like the feelings when ppl or doc ask abt the kids things and I couldnt answer. But I do very much wanna join back my friends though "you xin wu li".
Now, every time when my friends complain things to me, I often reply them, time will tell and nobody wanna hurt each other purposely. and our communications are always thru sms & facebook.

 

[mummy of three]

Is it true that girls are easier to discipline than boys?

When mummies start discipline their children? Got any tips to share?

hi oppsgal,

what i hv heard of, normally gals are faster in developments when they are young, and you see when they reach puberty, the guys actually shoots up so fast.. that's y in the end, the guys are taller and stronger den gals even they are younger or same age.
gals are gals, they have a basic characters like being more loving, caring and understanding.. unlike boys, they are born to be active, bo-chap type, play is more impt than studies..
BUT... hahahaa.. still there are minority where there are cases opposite.. :tlaugh:

 

[Ting]

Is it true that girls are easier to discipline than boys?

When mummies start discipline their children? Got any tips to share?

not true..
it all depends on the character n upbringing of child.
pin is not easy to discipline.
she is quite a good girl(she asks politely, shares her things/food, etccc), but just that she hv a mind of her own n big ego(like mummy), so she just does things her way though we tell her not to.

 

[Ting]

actually i personally feel that no one can tell you whether your method of 'punishing' your child is right or wrong..

every child is diffe, thus everyone of them needs diffe attention and punishment. even if certain punishment works well on a certain child, doesnt mean will works on urs. best is to trial and error, know your child characters before deciding which method is the best of you and him =)

i agree.
some kids need to use soft approach, while some like to take it the hard way.

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

hi phoebii,

thanks.. Im trying very hard now.. He does still make me mad.. but so long i can control my anger, I will definately not punish them harshly but more quiet time that I will give them and myself like sitting down on a carpet and close their eyes. and at the same time, I have my own time as well..
Friends.. you mentioned friends.. maybe I settle down very early, I'm almost 27, and all my friends are just married or still single.. ever since my 2nd child, I've somehow lost them.. sadly I feel its the extra commitment I'm giving to my family and I simply have no time for them.. or everyone of us couldnt meet a time slot.. and always ended up cancelling of meet ups. and topics are so different and views are so different now. they are now talking about fashions, what's going on around them.. in offices.. and their unhappiness about another friend.. I can hear them.. I can understand or try to understand their point of view.. but when it comes to the unhappiness of another friend.. I somehow find it they think too much and believe that everyone has their own views and thots and at that very point, both or all of them couldnt agree each other.
Maybe to me now, love is patience.. these few years have shown me that there's nothing much to be unhappy bcoz of couldnt agree with each other, rather how can we come out w a better solution to solve the idea of making everyone happy and contented..
Ever since motherhood, my friends have been drifting away.. if I let go my family and went out w them, I wouldnt know what's going on at home.. where there's once, I dont know even know how well are they progressing, or even what they like or dont like.. that's why I chose to stay home and see every little things, as I dont like the feelings when ppl or doc ask about the kids things and I couldnt answer. But I do very much wanna join back my friends though "you xin wu li".
Now, every time when my friends complain things to me, I often reply them, time will tell and nobody wanna hurt each other purposely. and our communications are always thru sms & facebook.

Yup, for me too...my friends are mostly single, but because my son is in childcare, I got to know some of his frens mummies.....

Parenting is not easy, we always hv a choice in watever we do....but if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to the mummies in this forum :tlaugh:

Meanwhile, keep your spirits upancing_wub:

 

[mummy of three]

It could be what the mummies say - mid child syndrome.

My hubby was a middle child as well. He won't give trouble when he was young but he always wanted to be independant. So he's actually more independent than his elder and younger siblings.

It could be a passing phase of insecurity. Your 2nd child might be behaving like this because he wants attention or he feels that he is seen as a lesser child - not the eldest so no one respect him, not the youngest so no one dote him. These feelings are not true but he feels that they are in his simple young mind.

I think punishing him is ok and even though reasoning with him seems to go down the drains but I know that the reasons will still stay in his head. He's just testing boundaries. I think the one-to-one activity time is good though it seems not to be appreciated, continue with it when you have the courage to.

The other thing you can try is to tell him how much you love him before he goes to bed. Like maybe kiss him good night, tell him you love him, so that he will feel secure and soon come to see that he is equal to his other siblings.

I know it's trying with 3 kids. Hang in there...

hi diymummy

I know abt the mid child sydm, I heard & read b4. Many times, I think bcoz of their eager to fight for the love and the attention, make him kinda of stubburn, short temper & rebelious. if stubburn which in terms of being persistence to strive for better self, I will worry less. but everytime, he seems to give up v easily. eg: I ask if he wants to go for a holiday, he answered yes. but when i say "then can you please use the toilet & not wearing any more diapers?" he answered no. I ask him how? he replied me, den I cannot go. not wanting him to give up, I told him that there's lot of things to play during holiday, dont u wanna go? I got his reply, dun want! & he sat there & play his own & nv show any interest for holiday anymore.
As he still wet & soil his pants once in a while, bringing 3 out is a big chore where I think it will be best if he can settle his toilet training. I actually wanted to encourage him that if he can do it, we shall hv the funs..
things which he loves, when ask, he eagerly nod his head that he wants but when tell him to do something we wanted him to do/say/eat that he doesnt know/like, he rather say no & he will not get his "carrot". we always use such ways to encourage him to learn a new skill, or try out a new food, but not everytime it will succeed.. any new ideas ???