very troubled

[`julee]

update:

my hubby & i are seperated. he is staying at his mom house at this exact moment since thursday night. i tot this seperation would make us think better.
of coz, he refuse to get seperated at the first place, seeing how he scarie he became again, i had to do it. i am afraid tat something bad would happen to dd since he is not thinking right.
on friday night, he went to my (mummy) fren house and 'seek for pity-ness' frm her & her dh. my fren din noe wat to do. he was crying to her dh.. i dono wats his motive of doing that, but if he wans pity he should come to my house first ba.
he came at around 10.30pm and cry in front of our house and said he will change..
somehow, my heart has become cold and cruel.. i cant let this happen to me again & again...

this is making me confuse and i havent been eating or thinking right this few days. i dig back old memories hoping that i can smile and cherish those perfect moments.. i read my diary & blog entries back again... and i realise how much i written about how i wish he could change, how i wish he could get a job. this was till before our marriage even..

i bought dd out yesterday jus the two of us with my sister and i never have been happier. usuali out with dh we were always in a hurry & he usuali drag dd out of the toys department saying, there's no need to see toys if we cant buy it or saying that there is already too much toys at home. my dd enjoy playing at the toy department even wen i didnt buy anything.

there is one part of me that feel i should give him a chance. and scolding myself for being so cruel and cold hearted towards him these days...

and there is another part that feel that i can be happier without him. i am happier without him now. my dd doesnt even ask where her father is. and that if i give him another chance i am going to lose out... & i deft feel that i don love him anymore.
my family advises me to do wat is feels right. they have seen enough of me giving many chances and he failed to give us wat we need.


:embarrassed::embarrassed::embarrassed:

 

[Endoh]

Rightfully, nobody should intervene in your family affair nor tell you what to do. We can only spare a listening ear, and advise a couple of options for you to think through and decide for yourself. For now, I'll give you something more precise.

on friday night, he went to my (mummy) fren house and 'seek for pity-ness' frm her & her dh. my fren din noe wat to do. he was crying to her dh.. i dono wats his motive of doing that, but if he wans pity he should come to my house first ba.

When I told you initially that "These immediate aids provided to him can give him the wrong ideal that help is always there when he needs it", this is precisely what I mean. As long as one day there is someone who will be doing something for him either monetarily or verbally, he will not be getting things sort out with his own capabilities. How long is this going to go on? Next 6 months? Next 6 years? Forever?

It's about time you make yourself clear to everyone around you that nobody is to help him or defend him. As long as he has this wall of defence readily available, he will never fall short of fully using it. The direct result? He will never learn.

this is making me confuse and i havent been eating or thinking right this few days. i dig back old memories hoping that i can smile and cherish those perfect moments.. i read my diary & blog entries back again... and i realise how much i written about how i wish he could change, how i wish he could get a job. this was till before our marriage even..

there is one part of me that feel i should give him a chance. and scolding myself for being so cruel and cold hearted towards him these days...

There is nothing confusing about this actually. It's good to have hope over everything, and also wished for things to be better. However, at no point should the harbouring of hope become wishful thinkings literally. Stop dwelling in the past because it is not going to change THE PRESENT, nor is it going to change THE FUTURE - for each day he is still reliance on others.

It's also good to be forgiving and always be able to give chances. All of us made mistakes, none of us are spared. Again, you have to re-compose yourself and ask a realistic question that you probably already know in your heart. Have the chances you gave been taken granted for? Have the many opportunities given to him fully grabbed with sincerity, determination and not empty talks?

You don't have to answer me, nor anyone else here in this forum or your family. Take a very good look in the mirror, ask yourself and answer to yourself.

I have to reinstate that I am not advising you to head for divorce straightaway. There are many other options still not used yet. Consider "cornering" him into attending counselling session with you, even though this is not something very nice to do. If he can't even put down his pride for that one hour or so each week, you would have already know the answer... to what extend will he salvage this marriage.

Remember, it takes two hands to clap. A marriage without duo-efforts is just a possession, and not a family.

 

[`julee]

endoh... u alwis give me this... very encouraging reply... i look forward to ur replies each time.. & damn i cant write a blog like u do!

wat u say is true.. i have a solution in my head for my future & my dd's.. the only thing now is to overcome this period of time.

and deft, my new month resolution is to move forward & stop dwelling wit the past & keep going back to square one.. its almost end of the year already... i have to do this.. my patience is tested enough. 3 years of empty promises... it may seem a short time, but i reli had enough...

i thank all the mummies & daddies for taking ur time to read my sorrowful thread and took ur time in advising me. i really appreciate it.. i thank u all for ur listening ears.

 

[BunnyKiss]

Julee, I admire your courage and determination, for a very young woman like u. If you know me and my past, you probably know that I wasted 6 years to realise I need the "change". Indeed last year I made a great leap, started work, moved out, and next month the D process will be finalized.

Met with your DH, and sixth sense told me, he's very immature (sorry to say so), and no one can change this fact except for he himself.

Applaud your wise decision. At least first improve your living, and later on (maybe) your relationship. Wish you all the best. Need help, I'm always here..

 

[priscilla]

Julee, do not look back but just press on ahead on your decision to work and support yourself and your child. As for your husband, take this opportunity that if he comes and asks for another chance and for forgiveness, make him go with you for counselling if you have decided not to process with Divorce first for the sake of your child. However, do not harbour hope of changing him, like what Endoh has shared, it is for him to discover it himself.

What good is a man if he cannot provide for his family. If it is his own low self-esteem and ego, then he has to work on it himself. And for the time being, the separation may be good for both of you to think about what the future holds for you.

It is also important to let your mil know that by providing your husband money all the time is not going to help him grow up and become financially independent since it is so easy for him to get money from his mum. And I will say that you are right to be ignored his crying and pleading since he has repeated disappoint you. Let him know what is the basic requirement you expect him as a husband and father. Ask him what will his little girl think of him when she understand and seeing other children's father works and he is always lazing around and work one day and mc other days.

And if he wants respect from other, he has to have self-respect and he has to earn his respect. To have a submissive wife, the husband must be able to provide for the family and also give security to the family.

I agreed that for marriage, it needs two individuals involved to work at it, what good will it be if one is working hard to salvage it and the other could not be bother and not work at it and kept giving empty promises.

 

[`julee]

i went for interview this afternoon for a customer service job.

i got it. and i cried myself silly after i walk out... i am delirious with joy that i got myself a job & finally move forward. haiz... finally somethings happen positively..

 

[edy]

Congratulation Julee ancing_wub: ... I am very happy when i read that you have gotten a job! Work hard and there will be a bright future waiting for you and your dd :red:

Regards,
-e

 

[rjj]

i went for interview this afternoon for a customer service job.

i got it. and i cried myself silly after i walk out... i am delirious with joy that i got myself a job & finally move forward. haiz... finally somethings happen positively..

WOW.... although I can't help you much, but am so happy for you.... at least you now know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel...

All the best!!! Keep it up!!!

 

[vion]

Congrats Julee for ur sucessful application for job........... Best of luck to u always.....

 

[priscilla]

Congratulations! I believe you can do well in it! There is a bright future waiting for you.

 

[Supergirl]

You are great, Julee!

It takes great courage to make changes in life and I think you have done well! I admire your courage!

All the best for your future!

 

[ditsypixie]

congrats julee!!!
so happy to hear u've got the job!
actually wanted to intro a cust svc job to u in my co. but just b4 i cud pm u,i just read ur entry..juz wanna cheer u on for taking the "big" step..no matter wat happens,pls stay strong for ur dd n remember we will always be here to lend a listening ear ..hopefully u'll find joy in everything tat u do from now.

cheerios!:red:

 

[EforEileen]

Hi,

So sorry about wat happen to you..
Actuali reading ur story reminds me of myself.. Cos I have being goin thru the same thing as you are for the past 6 yrs of my marriage... and much worse than you...

If you reali wanted to go for divorce but unsure its a good step, best is that u find advice from a lawyer about custody of your child and how long it took to finalise ur divorce.

Chinese have a saying, "advise couple to patch up but never advise seperate"

I tink tis sayin is stupid cos why muz ask pple to patch up when you noe they have being suffering alot from it... So its best to end everything when you NOE he wont be a good husband, a good father.. Draggin on and on will only cause you and ur child more pain, more suffering..

Jus a piece of my thought...

Wish you all the best on your new life!!!

 

[Endoh]

and i cried myself silly after i walk out...

No wonder the sky was dark and yet it didn't rain. The fluid all went to you. LOL!

Congrats. That's a piece of good news. Good luck and have fun in your new job getting to know new colleagues and people. I know your child will be pampered.

 

[mar_mum]

I didn't read every single post, but jus wanna say that whatever you do, don't forget the future of your child. She may not look for daddy now, but how about when she grow up and start school? The issue of being without a daddy will affect her. You may be separated with ur hubby but try to let ur gal have time with him also UNLESS he dun wan.

In a failed marriage, the kids are the ones who suffer. Have had 2 female friends who had to bring up their kids without hubby. Felt so sorry for the kids.

 

[charmaine]

julee congrats on getting a job.

i totally agree with what endoh has mention.
leave when it is time to do so and when there is no feeling of remorse or whatsoever.
both nana and urself will be much more happier to lead a life of ur own.

take care and hugs

 

[little_twin_stars]

all the best Julee...

U are a strong woman and u will be able to make it.
Now look forward to more happy times with ur dd.

 

[`julee]

No wonder the sky was dark and yet it didn't rain. The fluid all went to you. LOL!

Congrats. That's a piece of good news. Good luck and have fun in your new job getting to know new colleagues and people. I know your child will be pampered.

i deft had fun today at work...

thx all!!

endoh.. it rained in the east side, i tot finally 'cleanse' myself & my future..

 

[Endoh]

I am in north, thats why. All the water went to you in the east. I hope your workplace is not flooded. :tlaugh:

 

[rjj]

just heard thunder in the north leh... the cloud has been blown to this side of the island????