Why can't you accept that she and i are JUST FRIENDS?

[CanCanMum]

hi all mummies and daddies,

i tot of writing this for some advises and views, as my current circle of friends and acquaintances are limited.
just put down the phone with my best friend an hour ago.:nah:She recently has this problem with her hb which makes me very worried about her relationship with her hb. I have known her and her hb since poly days and the last thing i wish to see is their relationship getting sour or any worse. any1 out there can share their views on this?

A few weeks back, she found out that her hb has been receiving smses on his hp after working hours and even weekends, from a lady. And everytime they are on family outings her hb will be busy replying her smses because he thinks its rude to ignore or reply at a later time.

after she questioned him he claimed that this female colleague is just his friend.

like most woman, my gf gets angrier everytime this girl sends an sms to him, and sometimes it can be 10 to 20 times per day, reporting everything she does, what she saw, anything she finds interesting etc and etc. As if very close friends.

although my gf gets to read every single sms that comes in, she is still unhappy. So far her hb has been quite open abt letting her see the smses though...

if u asked me i will, too be unhappy if i see smses from a female friend or colleague in my hb's hp everyday, and flooding his hp. So i totally ustd my gf's feelings.

but my gf's hubby is not willing to let go of this friendship for her. He says it is a matter of principle, not that they are having an affair or what. And that my gf "thinks too much". He says if he let go of this friendship does he mean that everytime he looks for a friend he has to ask for her permission 1st? And he just doesnt ustd why she cant accept this friend of his.

so this has been dragging on for weeks, with quarrels almost everyday and everytime they rake up this issue and finally, yesterday my gf had a really big fight with him and moved to her mums place to cool down.

seems like he will not give in and my gf cannot stand them having a close relationship in which he claims to be platonic.

personally i think that he should give up on this, if its what he claimed to be, close friendship, if it really makes my gf so miserable and uncomfortable, so as to assure her security and lifelong happiness. Who knows what might happen?? But my gf is also worried that if he really does that, he might hate her for the rest of his life for interferring his way of socialising. Isn't it a dilemma or contradictory??? i am really at a loss to how i can advise my best friend.

they are married since 2002 and have 2 kids. My gf's hb is quiet, unassuming, and hardly have any friends. :embarrassed:

 

[WeeFee's_Mummy]

i know wot ur gf is going through becos i see smses from girls all the time in my dh's hp.

i don't think the problem is that she doesn't want him to contact her. i think she is unhappy that they are that close.

i'm sure u understand wot i mean when i say that women treat emotional fidelity very seriously. the fact tt her hubby is so close with his colleague shows that he is sharing parts of himself with another woman. ur gf feels threatened.

mebbe wot she needs to do is explain to her hubby tt she is just unhappy tt they're too emotionally close. this kind of intimacy should only belong to a wife. anyway why should a husband complain to another woman about his unhappiness? what is his wife for?

tt said, tt doesn't mean they can't be frens. joke in office, go for lunch, tok cock is fine. but not to get too personal lor.

jus my 2 cents worth.

 

[CanCanMum]

Yeah precisely! But her hb still refused to keep a distance from that friend worh, dunno why??? Will that principle of his override anything else?

Thanks for sharing yr views.

 

[EnFlor]

the other woman (even a close fren) sending frequent sms and reporting everything to her hubby....well, that is just not right, in my opinion. :nah:

Tell your gf to organise a small gathering. Invite this woman along. And hint to your hubby that his fren could invite her bf/male friend along. You could also pull in some single male frens or aquaintances to the gathering.

Get to know her. Let her get to know you and everything about your kids...but divulge in just the rosy ones. Give her an idea that you are perfectly happy in your marriage. Be more intimate with your hubby before her, in the sense - touch his arms, pat his back, put your arms over his shoulder, whisper and giggles in his ears, lean on his shoulder, etc

Who knows, through such gatherings, something good can turn out - some other guy likes her, maybe she realises her limits, etc.

But most importantly, tell your gf not to forget to pamper her hubby, just like during courting period. I believe he misses such moments. So rekindle the passion again. The last thing she should do is to move back to her mum's home. What was she thinking!!! Letting go of the leash can be pretty harmful.

 

[Endoh]

I will just keep it short and simple.

Sometimes with the "married" status, it's always better to keep a distance or draw a line with the opposite gender. It isn't so much of whether it's a right to have close friends of the opposite gender. It's just a matter of, if an argument or unhappiness can be avoided, why not?

If I am your friend's hubby, I will probably sms the other girl and let her know it's not really appropriate to be sms-ing so much everyday. Gotta spare a thought for the wife's feelings.

多一事 不如 少一事

:wink:

 

[WeeFee's_Mummy]

Sometimes with the "married" status, it's always better to keep a distance or draw a line with the opposite gender. It isn't so much of whether it's a right to have close friends of the opposite gender. It's just a matter of, if an argument or unhappiness can be avoided, why not?

i agree. marriage is about compromise ba.

think the hubby needs to think really hard about wot his priorities are - friendship with a woman whom he doesn't owe anything to ... or wife who has been with him for 6 yrs & bore him 2 kids.

decisions decisions!

 

[Leanne]

Some men are just insensitive. They think it's alright to have lotsa communication with some women. But when the wife mingle arnd with men by sms-ing etc, they will kpkb..

roll eyes* seriously the wife need to ask her husband to put himself in her shoes.. If he continues, ask the wife to communicate with a close male friend everyday too. To spite him & makes him understand!

 

[CanCanMum]

thanks to all the suggestions and helpful thoughts. my gf managed to return home yesterday and her hb has promised to keep a distance, and i m quite happy for her.

But he said to her that he will not have that same trust in her anymore... P)

so i told my gf what she shd really concentrate now is to try and foster the trust back in him again. try not to peep into his hp or check on him anymore. But she says the tension is there, and somemore tomorrows a PH and shes not sure if this sms thing will happen again....

human relationship is so fragile...

 

[Endoh]

If he continues, ask the wife to communicate with a close male friend everyday too.

EHHHHHHHHHHH GOOD IDEA!

QUICK GIVE ME HER NUMBER!

:tlaugh:

 

[CanCanMum]

:nah:nah...:wong10:

 

[shopaholic]

But he said to her that he will not have that same trust in her anymore... P)

I dont understand what he is trying to say here. Isnt he very open with the sms-es? Did your gf resort to peeping at his hp? Anyway, somehow, I feel he's trying to find fault with his wife by saying things like that.

Honestly, I dont know what the other woman is trying to do by sms-ing a married colleague. As a woman, I can understand why your gf is feeling the insecurity. And the husband is not doing enough to reassure her. Given me, I would hv demanded (not request!) my husband to stop replying altogether. It just doesnt feel right for a woman to share her every moments with someone, surely this sounds more than friends? I dont know abt others, but me, I'm not comfortable with this. I will tell him : If he values the wife and the family, he shd know where to draw the line.

As for your gf, like what some mummies hv shared, try to rekindle the passion and let this episode pass. Quarreling everyday will only push him away to pour his sorrows to someone else. To make a marriage works, both must make an effort on this.

 

[CanCanMum]

yeah she has demanded but the reply is still the same, thats his 'principle'. Even i have asked my own hb abt his view and he said whats wrong with having a female friend? But i asked him back that would it still be alright if yr hp is flooded with her smses? Then he kept quiet....so i think most or almost 9 out of 10 women will not tolerate this kinda behaviour let alone my gf. Furthermore they hv known each other for 22 long years!

 

[SunShine07]

Honestly, I dont know what the other woman is trying to do by sms-ing a married colleague. As a woman, I can understand why your gf is feeling the insecurity. And the husband is not doing enough to reassure her. Given me, I would hv demanded (not request!) my husband to stop replying altogether. It just doesnt feel right for a woman to share her every moments with someone, surely this sounds more than friends? I dont know abt others, but me, I'm not comfortable with this. I will tell him : If he values the wife and the family, he shd know where to draw the line.

I agreed with you totally.

Just to share, this is what I am facing right now. :we3sad: Exactly the same. I have been quarrelling with him and cold war for three weeks. the only difference is that this woman is also married. I really dun understand why she could do this. Though i dun have any evidence, but as far as i know, this woman has been meeting my husband almost everyday. I knew this through his hp smses. Worst is, sometimes, they go drinking together. Even though i've confronted my hb and that woman, they said the same thing. "we are just very normal friends." How am i going to be convince by all these. I saw a sms from that woman asking my my hb" what time can you accompany me until" I just feel uncomfortable. and also a call from her this morning at 650am.

One night, when he comes back as late as 4am in the morning, he won't even care or bother to tell or inform me that he is coming back late? what kind of respect?

He always said that he is feeling stressed with work and money, that's why he need to go out drinking with friends. He said tat i am over sensitive? Am I???

I quarrelled with him. I told him, if he really love his family, he should not do this to us. But he claim that he did nothing wrong, that he just needed someone to talk to, they are only normal friends.....I told him that if he carry with he life like that, he will eventually lose his family one day.....but he still continue. Come back home late, always smsing......

I felt so betrayed. Because all these while i have been very devoted and faithful to this marriage even though he abused me badly before.

The worst is, when i was pregnant, there was once we quarrelled, i got so angry because he pushed me. I was very upset and went back to stay with my mum. But i realised later that he went out with a gal to KTV session. I feel so disppointed with him.....but still, i forgive him again and again.

Sometimes, when i got to work late, he would thought that i go out with another man......and this always happen. And everytime, i got to explain to him again and again that i didn't do anything like and i won't do anything like that.

And because of this, i only work and go home. i have no friends after that. it so difficult for me to go out with my gf, because whenever i am out, he would keep calling me and ask and check on me.....and to make sure that he won't feel insecure, i try not to go somehere else after work....i give him all my attention, in fact my life......in the end????

Till now he is still not back yet....didn't inform me.....sigh

I really feel very betrayed.......i kind of hate him now.....

 

[Endoh]

Reading the above stories, now let me get everybody work on thinking.

The events above primarily surround one factor - SECURITY.

While one party is not feeling secured, should the other party see how he/she can help to overcome that lack of security? Or should the lacking partner "cut the crap and get over it" himself/herself?

Something to think about...

 

[SH74]

Reading the above stories, now let me get everybody work on thinking.

The events above primarily surround one factor - SECURITY.

While one party is not feeling secured, should the other party see how he/she can help to overcome that lack of security? Or should the lacking partner "cut the crap and get over it" himself/herself?

Something to think about...

totally agree!!

of cos if 1 party is not secure, the other party shld try to understand n help overcome that insecurity la. it takes 2 hands to clap mah. moreover, husband n wife, mus help each other, make each other happy, so can hv a harmonious family life. if both parties really love n care abt each other, they'll def do that instead of ask the lacking partner to jus get over it him/herself.

 

[CanCanMum]

Hi Liang Jia,

i believed the reason of ur willingness to forgive and forget is representation of your love for yr hb, and that u still loved him.

However i read that he has abused u before. If it is okay for me to ask was it emotionally or physically? i think woman should not suffer alone.

The only reason i can think of for the other married woman to be talking, going out w/ yr hubby must be that she too has her own marriage problems with no one to talk to and so she chose yr hubby to confide in. Sometimes they just need a male point of view.

"He always said that he is feeling stressed with work and money, that's why he need to go out drinking with friends. He said tat i am over sensitive? Am I??? "

Have u tried to share his problems? In my opinion, work should never be brought home. Be it happy or sad. But i do agree that sometimes it is difficult for a man to open up and talk - i do not understand either. But if they want to, they will. I believe to certain extent drinking with friends will help ease some stress becoz they need some space of their own too.

"I quarrelled with him. I told him, if he really love his family, he should not do this to us. But he claim that he did nothing wrong, that he just needed someone to talk to, they are only normal friends.....I told him that if he carry with he life like that, he will eventually lose his family one day.....but he still continue. Come back home late, always smsing......" " it so difficult for me to go out with my gf, because whenever i am out, he would keep calling me and ask and check on me"

For the same thing that i have told my gf, do not always end up in a quarrel even though u r very frustrated and clueless. If he is all stressed up by work and finances it would not be good to add up his stress level by questioning/quarrelling again and again. It will do more harm then good and worse still the problem still lingers.

From what i understand yr hubby seems to be quite stressed by his problems and becoz there is no solution he just have to avoid talking or facing it altogether.

If its possible try to find time to talk to him about it and how both of u could work out some small and short-term solutions step by step so that he is not alone facing it. Let him know that u cared and is willing to share his troubles. I do think that he still love and cared for u coz otherwise he would not have bothered about yr whereabouts and get all worked up.

It is difficult for u especially with all the feelings that u have now, but like what the mummies here have said it takes two to make a marriage work.

Hope that u will find some of my contributions helpful. :tlaugh:

 

[CanCanMum]

Reading the above stories, now let me get everybody work on thinking.

The events above primarily surround one factor - SECURITY.

While one party is not feeling secured, should the other party see how he/she can help to overcome that lack of security? Or should the lacking partner "cut the crap and get over it" himself/herself?

Something to think about...

Yes security is important in married couples. Making someone feel secure etc. But sometimes infidelity can be camouflaged with the so-called 'security'. Quoting some examples from movies, setting aside how realistic it is to be - husband sends flowers to wife fortnightly to express how much he still loved her but actually such doings are to keep the wife assured and trusted so that he could make his affair with another woman less noticed.

i think there is a very thin line between security, betrayal and trust. And some may fall into the so called 'grey areas' ... or maybe i watched too much movies--hahaha. Keeps me thinking now over and over.

 

[SH74]

actu i realised that many young single gals nowadays prefer older / married men. for a stronger sense of security n maturity.

n some young single gals nowadays like to try break up happy marriages n loving relationships so they can brag to their peers. they feel a GREAT sense of satisfaction if they managed to win the guy over.

i hv somewhat a similar incident b4 as well. i told my dh that based on my observations n the things his gal coll said to me, i find her v suspicious (suspect she's interested in my dh since she join the co., trying to break me n dh (that time bf) up). i asked him to stay away fr her as much as possible. i was v persistent that time 'cause my observations n instincts towards such things usu v accurate.

he wasnt v happy at 1st, said that i dun trust him, i was being too insensitive, think too much, think too highly of him,... so i kept quiet, try to REN. cannot b too persistent 'cause it'll only make things worse. jus like flying kite. cannot pull the string too tight, cannot let the string too loose also. so aft some sharing, he finally understand n find ways to reassure me.

at 1st he reassured me that she's not his cup of tea but that doesnt help at all 'cause i know my dh dun like such gals. wat i want fr my dh is to not let her hv chance to hang ard near him, give her chance to imagine / fantasize having a guy like my dh as her bf. i would say that this gal coll made our relationship even stronger.

anyway, recently, finally something happened which proved my suspicions abt that gal coll right. she didnt manage to break me n dh up but she did to another guy coll who's gg to get married.

 

[SunShine07]

if he is unhappy and wanted someone to talk to why choose a gal friends? Aren't you inviting troubles for yourself in a relationship? I do face problems but i have never tot of sharing it with a guy friend? Even when he abused me (physically) very badly, i didn't tell anyone. i dun dare to let my parents know about it, if my dad knows, i will get my hb into troubles......

I have been keeping problems to myself, because i really have no one to talk to now. And sometimes i dun know how to share or how to start with....And eventually i also dun like to share with anymore.

 

[Endoh]

anyway, recently, finally something happened which proved my suspicions abt that gal coll right. she didnt manage to break me n dh up but she did to another guy coll who's gg to get married.

This can be a very extensive scenario to be discussed.

What I observed is that, some of these girls do not break up others for the joy of it. Somehow, there is this inferiority about themselves to begin with. Subsequently, this inferiority becomes a driving force to win over men - or we can say, deriving their self-worth by such conducts. No doubt it's wrong, it can be quite pitiful to end up resorting to this to get their self-worth. They are of value, they are still desirable etc.

Of course, what cause the sense of inferiority is another touchy topic itself. Some of us would jump the gun and say they think too much. I do come across individuals who are inferior because of tormenting past experiences with the opposite gender.